Diet Schmiet

Posts about dieting. Not dieting. Intuitive eating. Mindfulness. Eating issues. Disordered eating and eating disorders.   Exercise.

Day 7

2 min read

I was very frustrated with myself last night as some late evening red wine took me up to (or just over!) my WW points limit. Every other time I have ‘seriously’ dieted I have started well. So, I cannot believe I have been less-than-committed this week. Though I have only gone over my points limit once (maybe twice) I just haven’t felt as strong as I have previously.

So it was with nervous anticipation that I set off for my first weigh-in today. It never changes does it? The fear of those numbers. Of success or failure. Elation or devastation. Of what the scales say about one’s own self-worth.

I do know better. But, at the moment, the numbers are what it is all about for me. I have tried dieting (or not-dieting) without weighing but as I can’t guage how I am going, I lose motivation quickly.

Anyway, today was the day. I sat waiting for my turn with the consultant, trying to decide whether I could possibly go to the toilet again. Perhaps it will come down to a few grams.

But then, relief, and a loss of 4.4kgs. A good loss but normal for week 1 when you are as heavy as I am. But, I don’t want to detract from my efforts… sure, I could have been ‘better’, but I guess I tried and only had a few mishaps. Perhaps I am too hard on myself and have been castigating myself over not-much-at-all.

My goal for the next week is to reduce the number of points consumed in alcohol. I hope once I start to not feel as if I am being constrained or restricted and I don’t need a treat (currently alcohol) I will cut back on that as well.

A long way to go, but a good start.

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Day 6

2 min read

Well, weigh-in tomorrow, so wouldn’t you think after a ‘good’ day yesterday I would continue in that vein….?!

I started off okay. It’s Saturday here and I had a hair appointment this morning, so planned a biggish breakfast knowing I would be out over lunch, so breakfasted on toast, baked beans, an egg, slice of bacon and some tomato (6 points).

Then lasted for hours and hours but succumbed to a later-afternoon snack of popcorn. Okay, except for the 4 teaspoons of butter I piled onto the mound after it exited from my air-popper (6 points)!

And, the grilled steak (with one potato sliced in teensy wedges, onion, carrot, tomato and capsicum) would also be okay…. but of course I retired to the bath late afternoon and read an entire novel while scoffing 3 glasses of red wine. And I assume I will drink the remainder of the bottle, taking me to my points total (25 points) for the day.

It’s not all bad. I WAS budgetting for two potatoes, but reduced that once I realised how many points were in the damned teaspoons of butter.

Am also trying hard not to focus on the weigh-in tomorrow though will be devastated if I don’t get a good loss. Shows like ‘The Biggest Loser’ make it difficult for those of us doing it slow. Once upon a time – when I have done Weight Watchers before – a loss of 2-3 kgs first week was excellent…. but I find myself now thinking “what if I only lose a couple of kilos?” Frankly – given that I have been close to my points total on 4 of the 7 days this week and exercise has been limited – I will be LUCKY to lose a couple of kilos. I hope…..

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Day 5

2 min read

As my end-of-week 1 weigh-in looms I am becoming increasingly nervous about the result. After two nights of too much red wine and skirting dangerously close to my WW points limits, I have been much better today.

Organisational restructuring in my workplace has had me a bit stressed this week and I have coped in my usual way – over-indulging. Fortunately I haven’t turned to chocolate and chips etc… though too many glasses of red wine are just as bad. If not worse!

I haven’t done very well on the exercise front and even skipped my usual (never-missed) private pilates lesson. I know the WW consultant told me to focus on the food / diet side of the ‘scales’ for the first few weeks (rather than exercise), but I cannot help but feel I have been recalcitrant on the exercising front. Just laziness and lack of routine if I am honest, but at the end of the day (literally) I let myself off the hook, citing tiredness and a need to wind-down with wine, rather than destressing with exercise!

A low points day for me today – alcohol free and am tired (it is Friday) so just had scrambled eggs for dinner and am having an early night. Tomorrow (Saturday) will be the first whole-day I have at home since starting WW last Sunday. Hopefully I will stave off the boredom and won’t turn to food to keep myself occupied. Or obsess about what I COULD be eating. Or feel hard-done-by because I cannot be eating what I really want to be eating!

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Day 4

2 min read

Even though I have now been overweight for some time (sometimes significantly so), I have never been FAT fat. And even though – having survived eating disorders, including binge eating – I should have some sympathy for the very big, I must admit, I have (instead) often held them in disdain.

Even while officially making the ‘obese’ BMI category… I have exercised regularly so been big – but sturdy. A trainer once told me that I was lucky that I was so athletic for the first 15 – 20 years of my life. That – and the fact that I am 178cm (5ft 10in) tall – means I hold my weight well. Usually. Even at my previous lowest (highest) point, exercising regularly meant I felt fairly healthy.

Until recently. So now I suspect now I am FAT fat. Not just someone judged to be overweight. Or quite overweight. But FAT. In capital letters. I can’t tell. My hangover from the years of dealing with anoerexia and other eating disorders mean that I have absolutely no idea what I actually look like…

But something has changed over the last few months. For the first time EVER my stomach is constantly in the way! I sometimes have trouble breathing. I cannot take deep breaths when bending over because my stomach protrudes. Pilates moves that were once easy are now challenging. I am embarrased to admit this. I did not ever think I would be in this position. I huff and puff when I bend over to tie my laces. I am like the FAT lady in the street who pants and puffs when walking just a few steps.

How did I go from ‘good’ athlete to this? I wonder….

But now, no time for mulling. I have reached Day 4 of this ‘thing-that-is-not-called-a-diet (non-diet). I have to admit to overdosing (!!) on red wine last night and so added a few extra points to my daily allowance. Oops!

OBVIOUSLY – though skipping pilates before work and doing NADA after work – I decided I would have an entirely healthy day. Of course I did not do this and have consumed the usual points in red wine.

Fortunately I made a ‘brew’ last night with onion, capsicum, garlic and basil dry-fried with kidney beans and pureed tomatoes. I batched it up for lunch today and tomorrow…. so (the fairly low calories / points) allowed me a decent steak and potato dinner tonight – which I cooked: with eye fillet steak, onions, capsicum, onion and garlic in an oven bag with a teensy bit of oil, potatoes, carrot and seasoning. Yummy……

Of course I DID think I might have an alcohol-free night, but I guess I am not quite in that headspace quite yet!

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Day 3

2 min read

Points yesterday – 23.5 out of my 25 point allowance.

Was a bit disorganised last night, so after boasting that I always have my lunches under control I had to just throw a can of tomato soup in my bag as I headed off to work today.

I breakfasted as usual – toast, bacon and an egg (5 points), then souped for lunch (don’t you love how I use these nouns as verbs?!) but had to add some milk so the condensed tomato soup was vaguely palatable (4 points).

This afternoon I had a dentist’s appointment as a filling had come out on the weekend…. so after that decided on something ‘soft’ for dinner and had scrambled eggs on toast (including light evaporated milk and some stock – 6 points!).

Having finished work early I thought I would go for a walk, but had chores to do (library books to return, grocery shopping) and I was tired and had a numb mouth so just came home….

I did do 15 minutes on the jogging trampoline which is better than nothing.

So, day 3 I suspect I will be target about 23 points again.

After making the scrambled eggs I made a brew-of-sorts from onion, capsicum, garlic and basil with tinned tomatoes, kidney beans, stock and lemon juice (only about 3 points per serve) which will do me for lunch for the next two days.

So, I will try to stay motivated. I did quickly jump on the scales tonight -filled with a sudden panic that I don’t feel TOO deprived so maybe it isn’t working….. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I don’t want to get to Sunday and then discover that I haven’t done very well. But, I am sticking to the plan….

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Day 2

2 min read

I survived Day 1, consuming a total of 23 of my 25 points. I was pretty happy with my efforts and decided not to fret over the lack of exercise (or alcohol consumed!).

Day 2 now and I breakfasted on the same as yesterday – toast, egg and low fat bacon (5 points). I had leftover chicken and noodle soup for lunch (4 points). I know I should be ‘snacking’ to keep my metabolism kicking over, but have to admit that I am saving points for dinner (and wine).

Tonight I am feasting on a (180g) fillet steak and some potatoes (chopped up as wedges – zapped in microwave then grilled), plus some other pointless veges (and by pointless I mean, not accruing any WW points rather than them having no meaning!!!). And, I will (again) have some wine. I figure I can clock up another 5 points – or so given that dinner will be 6 or 7 points.

While I am confessing my sins, I must also admit to something else which is a tad embarassing. A couple of weeks ago – having quit Personal Training and lacking in the motivation to walk early in the morning or dark of night – I went out and bought a little jogging trampoline. Did I hear someone say CHOOSE LIFE? Yes indeed – very 1980s! And I did use a jogging trampoline in those days but was about 70-80kgs lighter. I recall being in the University gym and jumping and running vigorously on one…. whereas now I am capable of some sort of trot that looks like I am limping! But, I figure it must be equivalent to a walk. I had thought about hiring a treadmill, which I have done previously, but then I tend to stress about the fact that I SHOULD be running instead of walking and then I try to run (or do interval training, which I know is ideal) and then I get too breathless; then I dread it; and then I hate it; and then I stop using the damned thing.

So, I figure – I can jump on the trampoline for 10 minutes at a time and it isn’t troublesome and I won’t dread it too much. So I forced myself to do a little prance around for 10 minutes this morning and have – just now – finished my 15 minutes (yay for me!). I am trying to think positively about the small steps (albeit in the form of unattractive trots!) I am making!

So now, it is time to retire to the bath (red wine in hand) before cooking dinner and retiring in front of the television.

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Day 1

4 min read

So, I rocked up to the first one-on-one meeting yesterday feeling quite nervous.  I had been on the scales at home.  I was going to tell them (the WW consultant) that I didn’t want to know what I weighed in case I had gained a significant amount in the past week (you never know!) AND of course you have to wear shoes for health-related reasons….  But I kinda knew what to expect because I had weighed at home so when I obsess in one-week’s time and get on the scales (constantly) in the lead up to the first weigh-in I will know what to expect.

Anyway, the woman I saw was nice enough.  I jumped in early and highlighted my disdain for the usual WW banter.  She was pretty good, though did rabbit on a bit about ‘why’ I was doing it.  Of course I said I was doing it to lose weight.  Then I got a bit more honest and said it was to fit into decent clothes; not despise myself quite so much; have a man vaguely interested in me; and possibly have sex sometime in the next decade.  But – bzzzz – wrong answer apparently.  I am apparently doing this for ‘me’.  Whatever!

So, according to the WW scales (clothed and with sandshoes) I was 132.5kgs.

Because I had done this all before the consultant was fairly speedy in going through the program.  Even though I haven’t participated in WW for about 7 years, it seems they are still counting points – though they have changed – requiring me to procure a whole heap of new resources. 

Given my age, weight and level of exercise (barely anything at the moment) I can eat up to 25 points a day.  Definitely no less than 18 points and if I save any I can bank them for a splurge later in the week.

All in all, the appointment went smoothly and my gag reflex didn’t kick in at all.  And, in an attempt to ensure I stick at it, I bought 13 weeks worth of passes.  Just in case.

Of course I had already bought corn chips to binge on before starting today.  I was tempted to go all-out and get some chocolate etc, but decided to refrain.  Corn chips it was. (Oh, and wine. And champagne, though only a bit of each cos it was a school night!).  As I contemplated this I was conscious of having done it before.  The diet-mentality…. Binging on as much as possible because I was starting my diet the next day and then wouldn’t be able to eat these yummy things. 

Of course the WW rhetoric suggests that you can eat whatever you want, as long as you build it into your points total.  They obviously don’t know that I can eat 4 family-sized blocks of chocolate in a binge.  Or two bags of corn chips….

Corn chips consumed, Day 1 dawned and I had worked out that I could pretty much eat what I usually eat during the day.  Daytime at work is never my problem.  I am coeliac which can be a problem in terms of accessing easy takeaways, so I take my lunch every day. 

I breakfasted – as usual – on toast, with a slice of almost-fat-free bacon and an egg.  Yay!  I calculated that to be about 5 WW points.  I then survived until lunch when I had leftover mince (from Spaghetti Bolognese, though I had eaten all of the pasta previously) for about 6 points. 

Of course I was supposed to do some exercise on my arrival home after work, but laziness set in.  Also it was dark and miserable, so I consoled myself with some champagne (diluted with soda water) in the bathtub – reading a WW magazine – instead.  So, not all bad?!  And, the consultant I saw yesterday said not to worry about exercise for about 3 weeks….which (knowing me) is all of the permission I need!

I am currently cooking dinner and decided on a recipe from the Week 1 book – a chicken and noodle soup.  I figure it is low calorie (4 points max!) and allows me to fit in a few wines.  I know that is the wrong thing to do, but will probably need to wean myself off of my evening wines.  I recall doing WW previously and getting to a point when I decided I preferred the extra rice rather than the wine.  But, as it is only day 1 (and I am trying to assuage the not-exercising guilt) I will give myself a break. 

I will aim to post every day (or as close to that as possible).  Hopefully the posts won’t always be this long (it is almost time to watch ‘The Mentalist’; and I vowed to try to eat before 8.30pm!).

I hope writing my thoughts down will keep me conscious of what I am doing.  The biggest challenge will be the fact that I have a significant amount of weight to lose.  I have been there before.  I recall how exciting it is to lose weight and feel great – only to then remember you have 20 more kilograms to go.  Coming home on the bus this evening I was sitting there, with this thing-that-is-not-a-diet playing on my mind and before I could stop the thought I wondered if anyone noticed my weight loss.  I had to remind myself that I was only just starting.  I have to be conscious that my mind and my fantasies get ahead of me and in my mind I have already lost kilos and kilos. 

But….. it is just Day one, and there are many more to come.

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D-day

4 min read

Today is the day.  D-day.  Diet number 1,754,343.  Or at least that’s how it feels.  If you read my backstory you will see that I’ve tried them all. I’ve even tried not-dieting in an attempt to lose weight.

I have spent much money in pursuit of a body that will attract minimal attention in the street; a body that will blend in with the myriad of others going about their business rather than one that may garner a shudder of distaste.

I know, from my 42 years on this earth and my 30-odd years of gaining and losing weight, that dieting doesn’t work.  I know that one should make sustainable lifestyle changes.  I have tried that as well. 

But I am struggling.  It’s easy to make excuses and I am as expert as any weight-watcher at doing so.  I justify eating junk or takeaway because I am ‘not-dieting’ and therefore can eat whatever I want because IF I dieted the restricted eating would later result in a binge anyway.  So, I have given myself permission to be as decadent as I have wanted.  I have tried to ‘get in touch with my body’.  And no, this isn’t an R-rated blog…!  I mean that have attempted to ascertain when I am just hungry enough (ie. 7 on the 1-10 scale) to justify eating, rather than waiting until I am ravenous or when I am just bored and not hungry at all.

Yep, I’ve done them all.  And over recent months I have yo-yoed (mentally this time, not physically) as my weight has crept up, wondering what to do.  ‘Should I go back on shakes as replacement meals?  Or no carbohydrates?’  Both of which I have found help me lose weight quickly, though result in a subsequent desire to eat nothing but carbs! 

Nope.  No quick fixes.  Apparently. 

So finally I have bitten the bullet (though not the yummy chocolate ones with licorice in the middle!) and decided to go back to what-worked-best-in-the-past for me.  Weight Watchers (WW). 

About a year ago WW started offering a one-on-one service at a nearby department store.  A friend went and touted its benefits.  Having done WW in the past, I often cringed at some of my fellow weight-watchers.  Sessions were often targeted at the lowest-common denominator and I wanted to get up and slap the ‘leader’ around for being so patronising; only to find later that others appeared to be truly appreciative for the level of simplicity on offer. 

My friend said that she was up-front with the person doing her one-on-one sessions.  She said she didn’t want to talk endlessly about recipes and the like.  No need to hear how people cater for their partners and children while dieting.  No need to talk about the benefits of water, or explain in-words-of-less-than-3-syllables what low GI food means.

So, it was with some trepidation that I made the appointment and will – later today – learn what comes next. 

I must admit I am not feeling particularly motivated.  I desperately want to lose weight but the idea of limiting what I eat and drink or what I CAN eat and drink devastates me.  As a single stressed-out professional, food, red wine, champagne and diet coke are the only good things in my life.  The only time of my day I enjoy is that time in front of the television at night, red wine in hand and food before me, stressful day behind me (until I lie in bed and close my eyes – only to be taunted by my daytime stresses!). 

Of course I know that I should find other things to do at night to prevent the food and alcohol trigger, but I have tried keeping myself occupied and find myself stressed and frantic at the lack of me/alone time I have. 

Today’s initial appointment is a 30 minute appointment and weekly 15-minute appointments will follow.  I gather they cost the same as the hour-long meetings, but I am all for efficiency.  I have wasted way too much money to care about value-for-money.

But – having done this so many times before – I am conscious that my focus needs to be on what will make this time different from all of the other times (as evidenced by my backstory). 

In an attempt to get to my goal weight and stay there:

  1. My goal weight will be realistic and not a weight which I won’t be able to maintain without obsessive behaviour.
  2. I will focus on sustainability – not losing as much weight as quickly as possible.
  3. I will develop a sustainable exercise program and one in which I can envisage continuing and enjoying.
  4. I will seek therapy or counselling for residual issues with food and relationships. 

 

I feel quite nervous as I sit here waiting to head to my appointment.  All week I have been slightly excited as if the appointment itself, or commencement of the program will offer some amazing elixir; as if I won’t actually do the hard work, but rather a wand will be waved and all will be well. 

I was supposed to walk this morning, but I lolled in bed instead.  So, I wonder, what do I think will suddenly be different tomorrow when the time comes to exercise?

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