Even though I have now been overweight for some time (sometimes significantly so), I have never been FAT fat. And even though – having survived eating disorders, including binge eating – I should have some sympathy for the very big, I must admit, I have (instead) often held them in disdain.

Even while officially making the ‘obese’ BMI category… I have exercised regularly so been big – but sturdy. A trainer once told me that I was lucky that I was so athletic for the first 15 – 20 years of my life. That – and the fact that I am 178cm (5ft 10in) tall – means I hold my weight well. Usually. Even at my previous lowest (highest) point, exercising regularly meant I felt fairly healthy.

Until recently. So now I suspect now I am FAT fat. Not just someone judged to be overweight. Or quite overweight. But FAT. In capital letters. I can’t tell. My hangover from the years of dealing with anoerexia and other eating disorders mean that I have absolutely no idea what I actually look like…

But something has changed over the last few months. For the first time EVER my stomach is constantly in the way! I sometimes have trouble breathing. I cannot take deep breaths when bending over because my stomach protrudes. Pilates moves that were once easy are now challenging. I am embarrased to admit this. I did not ever think I would be in this position. I huff and puff when I bend over to tie my laces. I am like the FAT lady in the street who pants and puffs when walking just a few steps.

How did I go from ‘good’ athlete to this? I wonder….

But now, no time for mulling. I have reached Day 4 of this ‘thing-that-is-not-called-a-diet (non-diet). I have to admit to overdosing (!!) on red wine last night and so added a few extra points to my daily allowance. Oops!

OBVIOUSLY – though skipping pilates before work and doing NADA after work – I decided I would have an entirely healthy day. Of course I did not do this and have consumed the usual points in red wine.

Fortunately I made a ‘brew’ last night with onion, capsicum, garlic and basil dry-fried with kidney beans and pureed tomatoes. I batched it up for lunch today and tomorrow…. so (the fairly low calories / points) allowed me a decent steak and potato dinner tonight – which I cooked: with eye fillet steak, onions, capsicum, onion and garlic in an oven bag with a teensy bit of oil, potatoes, carrot and seasoning. Yummy……

Of course I DID think I might have an alcohol-free night, but I guess I am not quite in that headspace quite yet!