Today is the day.  D-day.  Diet number 1,754,343.  Or at least that’s how it feels.  If you read my backstory you will see that I’ve tried them all. I’ve even tried not-dieting in an attempt to lose weight.

I have spent much money in pursuit of a body that will attract minimal attention in the street; a body that will blend in with the myriad of others going about their business rather than one that may garner a shudder of distaste.

I know, from my 42 years on this earth and my 30-odd years of gaining and losing weight, that dieting doesn’t work.  I know that one should make sustainable lifestyle changes.  I have tried that as well. 

But I am struggling.  It’s easy to make excuses and I am as expert as any weight-watcher at doing so.  I justify eating junk or takeaway because I am ‘not-dieting’ and therefore can eat whatever I want because IF I dieted the restricted eating would later result in a binge anyway.  So, I have given myself permission to be as decadent as I have wanted.  I have tried to ‘get in touch with my body’.  And no, this isn’t an R-rated blog…!  I mean that have attempted to ascertain when I am just hungry enough (ie. 7 on the 1-10 scale) to justify eating, rather than waiting until I am ravenous or when I am just bored and not hungry at all.

Yep, I’ve done them all.  And over recent months I have yo-yoed (mentally this time, not physically) as my weight has crept up, wondering what to do.  ‘Should I go back on shakes as replacement meals?  Or no carbohydrates?’  Both of which I have found help me lose weight quickly, though result in a subsequent desire to eat nothing but carbs! 

Nope.  No quick fixes.  Apparently. 

So finally I have bitten the bullet (though not the yummy chocolate ones with licorice in the middle!) and decided to go back to what-worked-best-in-the-past for me.  Weight Watchers (WW). 

About a year ago WW started offering a one-on-one service at a nearby department store.  A friend went and touted its benefits.  Having done WW in the past, I often cringed at some of my fellow weight-watchers.  Sessions were often targeted at the lowest-common denominator and I wanted to get up and slap the ‘leader’ around for being so patronising; only to find later that others appeared to be truly appreciative for the level of simplicity on offer. 

My friend said that she was up-front with the person doing her one-on-one sessions.  She said she didn’t want to talk endlessly about recipes and the like.  No need to hear how people cater for their partners and children while dieting.  No need to talk about the benefits of water, or explain in-words-of-less-than-3-syllables what low GI food means.

So, it was with some trepidation that I made the appointment and will – later today – learn what comes next. 

I must admit I am not feeling particularly motivated.  I desperately want to lose weight but the idea of limiting what I eat and drink or what I CAN eat and drink devastates me.  As a single stressed-out professional, food, red wine, champagne and diet coke are the only good things in my life.  The only time of my day I enjoy is that time in front of the television at night, red wine in hand and food before me, stressful day behind me (until I lie in bed and close my eyes – only to be taunted by my daytime stresses!). 

Of course I know that I should find other things to do at night to prevent the food and alcohol trigger, but I have tried keeping myself occupied and find myself stressed and frantic at the lack of me/alone time I have. 

Today’s initial appointment is a 30 minute appointment and weekly 15-minute appointments will follow.  I gather they cost the same as the hour-long meetings, but I am all for efficiency.  I have wasted way too much money to care about value-for-money.

But – having done this so many times before – I am conscious that my focus needs to be on what will make this time different from all of the other times (as evidenced by my backstory). 

In an attempt to get to my goal weight and stay there:

1. My goal weight will be realistic and not a weight which I won’t be able to maintain without obsessive behaviour.
2. I will focus on sustainability – not losing as much weight as quickly as possible.
3. I will develop a sustainable exercise program and one in which I can envisage continuing and enjoying.
4. I will seek therapy or counselling for residual issues with food and relationships. 

I feel quite nervous as I sit here waiting to head to my appointment.  All week I have been slightly excited as if the appointment itself, or commencement of the program will offer some amazing elixir; as if I won’t actually do the hard work, but rather a wand will be waved and all will be well. 

I was supposed to walk this morning, but I lolled in bed instead.  So, I wonder, what do I think will suddenly be different tomorrow when the time comes to exercise?