I wanted to get a post out today to join in the “lovin’ life” group but have been a bit jaded on the ‘loving life’ front. I think I’m just struggling with the post-holiday, WTF-am-I-doing-with-my-life? blues.
Anyway, I needed to announce the winner of my Enid Blyton book giveaway and figured I’d capture it all in one fell swoop by doing a check-in post of sorts.
What I’m watching
Nothing. Nothing at all. Bizarrely I’ve not been in the mood for television since before my holiday. I’d been eagerly awaiting season 2 of Ozark, which launched before I went to Italy. Lucifer has returned as has fave shows of mine The Good Doctor and Criminal Minds. And… I’ve not watched anything. In fact I’ve turned my television on 2-3 times only recently and (of all things) I’ve watched Dr Who. (Which I’d not watched since Tom Baker – of the knitted scarf fame – graced our screens!)
Similarly my local girl gang go to the movies every second Tuesday but I keep giving it a miss. (And yet I used to love going to the cinema!)
I’m not sure what my antipathy towards movies / TV is about? When I was working full-time I guess I felt like I needed to focus on reading and blogging in my spare time, but now???
What’s surprised me
That I’m actually more eager to travel again than I expected to be. I never greatly yearned to travel. And when I did it was because I was working overseas and tripped to neighbouring countries. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not suddenly wanting to travel about Asia or the Middle East or even the US. But… a friend suggested the whole villa in France thing which is VERY alluring.
And my niece is going to be working on a cruise ship which treks down to Santiago and Cuba which is also slightly tempting.
And then SINCE my Italian holiday I’ve pondered the idea of spending some time in Portugal. I wasn’t overly enamoured with the place when I was there for 2mths in 1995 but with more of the language under my belt (albeit rusty – the language not the belt, cos I don’t do belts) I wondered if there’s such a thing as a ‘villa in Portugal’ cliche?
What’s been f*cking with my head
It’s a fraught time of year for me. It’s the anniversary of my dad’s passing (and yes, I still struggle with the ‘d’ word.). His Death. The year after that – 6yrs ago – I took my redundancy and finished work and made my seachange. It was very confronting… the whole loss of identity thing.
And now there’s a sense of deja vu as I’ve finished up another gig. I waver between NEVER wanting to work full time again (as I mentioned in last week’s post) and worrying I should be applying for things.
I’ve not got a lot of savings but can probably exist for a few months before becoming destitute so I’ve not been in any hurry to find a new job – figuring I’ll start applying for ANYTHING when the situation gets dire, or something will leap out at me in the interim.
Then someone sent me a link to a job in my old organisation. A couple of levels lower than I was, but temporary – just 9mths or so. I emailed the contact person to ask if there was any chance it could be part-time or job share.
“No!” was their helpful response. Then I stressed. “Should I apply for it anyway?” It’s one thing working at a lower level somewhere else, but not necessarily where I just was. Like a demotion.
And my mother – who understandably worries – tells me of people asking her about my job situation.
I feel like shouting. I ONLY FUCKING FINISHED WORK TWO WEEKS AGO. I’M NOT EVEN LOOKING PROPERLY YET!
And zen settles over me. “I’m not going to look,” I tell myself. Sure, I’ll check the Seek and government job email subscriptions that come through but I’ll decide to give myself until after Christmas and then look more proactively.
I feel better. A sense of relief. A sense of freedom. I can have a holiday. I can relax. Perhaps write. Perhaps binge-watch television.
And I wake the next day to see a job on Seek that is full-time for 9mths and quite perfect. A job I could, and probably should, apply for. FUCK.
Winner winner chicken dinner
Oh… and on a lighter, happier note, the winner of the Enid Blyton Treasury of Bedtime Stories – drawn a random on my computer is: *drumroll*
Tracey V, via Facebook! I’ve been in contact with Tracey and organising to get the book to her. Congrats!!! And thanks again to Hachette for the gorgeous prize.
Meanwhile… what’s been f*cking with your head lately. Or any ideas as to why I’ve not wanted to watch any TV for a few months?
The Lovin’ Life team includes:
October 25, 2018
I’m over people asking me the same about my hubby. Has he found anything yet? You must be worried… It’s all well meaning, but it does my head in. The thing is I think he’s decided, almost anyway, that he doesn’t really want to go back to a fulltime gig. he’s applied for a whole 3 jobs since we got back fro France – and was told at the last one that even though he’s the best qualified applicant they won’t be interviewing him because he’s a “flight risk” – which translates to “old enough that he won’t put up with being treated like shit anymore.” Another said they actively wanted someone “hungry” ie late twenties early 30s who will willingly be burned. He’s volunteering a few days a week & loving it, and we’re surviving ok…I just want to yell every time someone asks…Oh, and yes, they do do the villa in Portugal thing.
October 25, 2018
I wondered about the Portugal thing because quite often in Italy it frustrated me that I couldn’t have conversations or speak more of the language and I realised how easier it would be if that was the case….
Good to hear hubby’s doing some volunteer work. I was really disappointed when told this other job couldn’t be done part-time or that it would even be considered to be an option. (Given the sort of role it is and I think it’s new so…)
October 25, 2018
It’s a tricky place to be in isn’t it Deb? I remember when I quit my job I thought I’d never find anything else and I was quite okay with that – then the second guessing starts and the “what if I end up living under a bridge in my old age” etc etc. I really hope you find something that you can settle into – maybe a job-share? that gives you time to write and think and have some leisure time xx
October 27, 2018
Part time would be ideal Leanne so I’m keeping my eye out for something. Of course it does need to pay enough to allow me to pay the mortgage etc…
October 25, 2018
It is hard being between jobs Deb. I know that I’ve been there and it isn’t easy but I do believe in the universe and fate so I think that you taking a step back until after the ‘silly season’ is a good idea. Recharge and give yourself sometime to reflect on what you really want to do. You can always do temp work of any kind to pay the bills if you need to but if you can take some time who knows what will happen. Leanne’s idea of a job share is a good idea and would you consider going into business for yourself and making your own job? PS I loved Enid Blyton books.
October 27, 2018
I’d love to work for myself Sue but have kinda tried that and am just not ‘sales-y’ enough to do the self-promotion thing.
I thought temping would be a good option when I first moved up here and was surprised we have no temp agencies. My old govt dept has a basic admin roster to fill in for periods of time as required and that’s an option for me.
October 25, 2018
Sounds like a tough place to be – limbo doesn’t always sit well with me. In the end you know best. One thing I have been telling myself is that nothing is permanent. I applied for and got a job which I start in December which I’m not sure about. It’s a senior clinical role which I would’ve been stupid not to apply for but I don’t know if it’s exactly what I want. Then I realised, it’s not forever…I can do it for a bit, get the experience and then move on. I hope you do get to travel more and figure out what job you want to take
October 27, 2018
Thanks Sanch, I think the biggest problem is not actually knowing what it is I want. It wasn’t until I was searching through old posts for one (about identity) to link to this that I found one that perfectly describes what I’m feeling now, so I’ve been here before. (Surely I can learn from that!)
October 25, 2018
I think being on a fantastic holiday to Italy has probably made you feel a little unsettled Deb. I’m always extremely restless when I return from a wonderful holiday. I guess that’s why I also seem to have 2 to 3 holidays planned ahead, with weekend trips planned in between. I’m sure the right job will come along that’s perfect for you and that you will get back into a routine, that includes watching some of your favourite programs on TV.
October 27, 2018
I think if I was working full time / earning enough money (or any money!!!) I’d probably plan another holiday as well Kathy. And yes, a routine would be nice.
October 25, 2018
I can understand your worry…the hardest part is not knowing what’s happening next. So I get it…
As for tv. We cut the cord last month, because I feel like it’s not always good for us. We could be reading or creating instead. Or meditating. Or working out….so many things to do, so little time
Your travel ideas sound wonderful. I LOVE the idea of traveling, now if I only did it better (meaning didn’t worry, ,stress, or have my back give out on me after the crazy plane rides). But we still go places…it’s too fun not to.
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
October 27, 2018
I must admit Jodie the idea of travel for the sake of it (or even sightseeing) is still not appealing and it’s interesting that the couple of things I’d most like to do is vege in a villa somewhere. It occurs to me I could be doing that sort of thing here – creating the kind of culture / life around me that gives me the sense of freedom and escape I felt in Tuscany. But I’m not quite sure how to do that.
October 27, 2018
I have read this post earlier and nodded and smiled and then frowned a bit…but did not comment. Sorry Deb, I hate that you are somewhat betwixt and between and it’s all very well for others to offer advice..but you are the only one to put that foot in front of the other to whatever and wherever you want to be. Oh I sure hope things start making themselves clearer for your future. Sending love, Denyse x
October 29, 2018
It’s weird Denyse as I’m sitting here working on a job application (taking a break obviously) as I respond to this. It’s the job I mentioned in the post (though another came up just after that). If I could assured of similar opportunities down the track I think I’d take a break for a bit before leaping back into the work force (or attempting to get back into it) but senior level jobs are pretty hard to find here so I’m okay with the idea of applying for this as it’s short-term (so there’s an end in sight). I’d like to think I’m more prepared at the end of the next gig (for whatever comes next) but suspect that won’t be the case.
I’m telling myself I’ll leave it up to the universe. I didn’t apply for the lower level job. I decided I didn’t feel ‘desperate’ but felt okay about this other one….
October 28, 2018
I hear ya. I can safely say I’m feeling a bit similar. A tad lost. Lost in a “found” kind of way. Hard to explain,
I say apply for the perfect 9 month job (with the FUCK at the end). You can always decide not to take it once the offer comes in. But you don’t want to kick yourself later for not doing it. My motto is “do it, then undo it if you need to”.
October 29, 2018
Yes Leanne, I’m gonna do it. (And other that came just after that.) There were so few opportunities when I first got here the fact that two jobs have come up (at an okay level) for short term contracts seems like it’s fate or something…