It’s a bit more confronting than I expected it to be: this whole not-working and pursuing your passions malarkey.
I’ve been bleating on about the opportunity to follow my dreams for yonks, and now that I have my chance well… quite frankly, I’m struggling.
I have too much time to think about what I should or shouldn’t be doing and wondering what it is I even WANT to be doing.
I am doing the thing I’ve long wanted to do – ie. whatever the bloody hell I want. I’m not spending 10+hrs a day at work (or travelling to and from!). My head isn’t filled with the thoughts required of me by others. I’m not thinking of project milestones or what our government minister needs to know.
My life is my own. Mostly. It can be anything I want it to be*. In a recent post I talked about my over-reliance on SHOULD and OUGHT TO. And here I am – with the opportunity to focus on my own dreams. I can do whatever I’d LIKE to do.
Which leads me to my problem. Because, you see… I’m not sure I actually know what that is.
I feel like I’m on some extended holiday – unsure of its end date. I feel like I’m floating about biding time. STILL!?! I damned-well did that for 20+ years, now was the time I was supposed to start living, not just hang about!
My post-work dreams were all very non-specific. I wanted to write and blog. I wanted to focus on my health and fitness. I wanted to find some balance in my life. I wanted to find some joy. Oh… and I wanted to not-work.
So now that the world’s my oyster (sort of*) and I have a blank page before me; what is it I want to scrawl on it? What trail do I want to blaze?
And how the frig does one work that out?
On a few occasions I’ve done those likes / talents tests designed to identify appropriate careers – but wondered about their veracity. I’m so uncertain of my own mind that I really don’t trust myself to know what interests me versus what I think SHOULD interest me or what others think SHOULD interest me.
But I’m a bit believer in ‘gut instinct’. I’ll analyse something to death but ultimately go with what I think ‘feels’ right. (Scary given how confused I get when it comes to ‘thinking’ versus ‘feeling’!)
I’ve made some huge decisions of late. Many of which have shocked those who know me well. But they’ve ‘felt’ right.
And now… here I am, possibly frittering away precious time rather than doing important things I’m yet to identify. Don’t get me wrong. I have no desire to be back in the workforce. If I could afford to not-work (in the way I did previously) ever again, I’d be ecstatic. But, I’ve got that gnawing guilt in the back of my mind like there’s something I should be doing, but am not.
Does anyone know what the hell that is?
Can anyone relate?
* I should note that I can only live in this frivolous way until my savings run out!