More on love – while gazing over Tuscan hills

Thursday, September 19, 2019 Permalink

I’d intended to post something today but was at a bit of a loss (and am also sick). I’m getting daily reminders (thanks Facebook memories!!!) that this time last year I was in Italy. Indeed on this very day last year I was perched outside eating gluten-free pasta with a delicious sauce while gazing at the Tuscan hills.

Recently I opened the notebook we received from Vanessa Carnevale at the writing retreat and found some exercises we’d done.

I cannot remember what the task / theme of this was (something about tears perhaps?!) but the page of short scribble seemed in keeping with the theme of my post earlier this week (on love). When I found it (a few weeks ago) I showed it to my mother.

types of travellers

“Is it about dad?” she asked. It is and it isn’t. It didn’t happen but I guess it’s how I felt. So….

He looked at me and I saw the tears pooling in his eyes.

I think he knew it was the end, that the happy, sad, exciting, scary and sometimes messy life he’d lived would soon be over.

He’d long passed the ability to speak, to open his parched mouth and make sounds, so it was with his eyes he said everything he needed to.

That he loved me. That he was proud of me. That he’d miss me.

Of course I didn’t have an excuse. I needed to say something, to make sure he knew how much he meant to me… while we still had time.

But the words would not come. I just hoped he could read it in my eyes as I’d read it in his.

What were you doing this time last year? Gazing over Tuscan hills? 

** Which reminds me I probably should revisit some of my ‘lessons’ from the retreat last year and see how I’ve progressed ** #eek

  • Min Write of the Middle
    September 19, 2019

    Those words are beautiful Deb. They made me tear up as it very nearly could also be a description of how it was with my Dad too. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t eat. He couldn’t do anything for himself except with his one functioning hand he could scratch himself if he had an itch. On another note, I can’t believe it’s been a year since you were in Italy, already! This time last year I was sick, just as I am sick again now. Must be something about this time of year? Sorry to hear you’re sick too. Hope we’re both well again soon! #TeamLovinLife

    • Debbish
      September 19, 2019

      Yes, I think I’ve often been sick this time of year… I finished up and took my redundancy on 21 Sept 2012 and was as sick as a dog and remember thinking the same thing had happened on another anniversary.

      Dad didn’t wake for the last six days of his life so I guess we didn’t know our last glimpse into his eyes was going to be the final farewell in that respect. We kept talking to him for the next 6 days though.

  • Lydia C. Lee
    September 19, 2019

    What a beautiful piece. Did you do something with it? You should write a story with it. It’s lovely.

    • Debbish
      September 19, 2019

      Nah, course not. I only found it when I re-opened the notebook recently to use for something. I can’t quite remember what the exercise was as I know I struggle with reading my writing to anyone so know I didn’t always share what I’d written during exercises but it was such a supportive and encouraging group I actually did read some of it out.

  • Jo
    September 19, 2019

    Oh my goodness that is lovely!

    • Debbish
      September 19, 2019

      Thanks Jo. I read it now and it seems kinda wanky! *grimace*

  • leannelc
    September 23, 2019

    That was beautiful Deb (and something I wish I could have seen in my Dad’s eyes!) Sorry you’re not feeling the best, and I’m not sure if FB memories are a good thing or not when it comes to cheering us up??? Still, the pic is gorgeous – hope you’re feeling better soon x

    • Debbish
      September 24, 2019

      Oh I know Facebook memories are a mixed bag. Particularly for me at this time of year. My dad went into hospital and didn’t come out in 2011. I took my first redundancy in 2012 and I moved cities and houses. I moved houses again in 2016, returned to full time work in October 2017 (so had to resign from a part-time job to do so) and then finished that contract in late 2018 – to be unemployed again.

      Of course that contract culminated in my trip to Italy this time last year, so…. mixed feelings.

  • Denyse Whelan
    September 25, 2019

    Deb, that was beautiful. Heart felt. Not ‘wanky’. Gosh I know as a parent it would be amazing to know that one of my kids felt that way about me. I think keep looking at those journals. You do have a way with words. Believing in yourself takes courage. I think you already have it. Sorry you have been unwell.
    Thank you for linking up for #lifethisweek. Next week, 30/9/19 the optional prompt is Spring Stories. Hope you can join in too. Denyse.

    • Debbish
      September 27, 2019

      I guess I’m lucky as I know I was (am) whole-heartedly loved by my parents and my brother and I always came first.

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