Last weekend marked the third anniversary of my seachange. The time seems to have flown as I still remember waiting at a nearby cafe for the lawyers to sign on the dotted line so I could get the key for my new apartment by the ocean.
I suspect it’s the project manager in me that’s usually tempted to do a bit of a check-in to see how I’m faring against the goals and plans I set for my seachange, but I’ve decided against it. In essence, I kinda know what I said and what I have and haven’t done. And I know what I regret.
Instead I’m taking advice from some old US blogging buddies* who several years ago suggested…
We should look through the windscreen and not the rearview mirror.
After all… there’s so much more to see out of the windscreen, whereas we have to squint and really focus to look through that rearview mirror. And of course what we’ve left behind can often be somewhat distorted when we peer at it from a distance.
Source: Buzzfeed
For many MANY years I was filled with regret at (what I saw as) having wasted my potential. I based this supposition around the anorexic (and therefore highly disciplined) girl I was in my late teens. Someone who (I think) people thought was vaguely attractive, sporty and relatively okay at school. She had a bright future. The world was her oyster.
A decade or two later I looked back over the years with regret. “What on earth happened to that girl?” I’d wonder. She was the person I compared myself with and I always came up short.
Until one day it occurred to me that I’d been overweight and unhappy for far longer than I’d been young and healthy. I realised that perhaps SHE was the anomaly, not who I’d become. My rearvision mirror (and indeed my own memory) had become very blinkered. I’d done okay in life I realised. My regrets were very specifically (only) around my weight and my physical looks. Which of course I’ve assumed impacted on everything else.
It’s a little the same now. Although I won’t admit it (!!!) I have of course looked at my posts from three years ago, pre-seachange. I have some regrets and again they’re mostly around the fact that I arrived fit and healthy (though still about 15kg overweight) but gained another 30-40kg and stopped exercising. In all honesty I now I feel fat and frumpy and more unattractive than ever. I very much feel like I’m on that downhill run – that the best is over and now I’m just waiting for the end.
Source: Luvimages.com
But I’m trying not to. I’m going to try to look ahead. Through the windscreen.
On the life in general front…
I’m only partially employed so instead of focusing on my state of poverty I’ll remind myself that I have stacks of free time at my fingertips. I’ve just finished a magazine and newspaper writing course and the time is perfect to start pitching some ideas.
I would LOVE to do something more with my book blogging and want to focus on looking for opportunities to earn an income from something which I so love to do.
As for the rest…
You may note I’ve studiously avoided talking about health and weight related goals cos I have NFI and am just plodding along. I’m just trying to minimise both my almost-constant panic and occasional binges.
But…
More than anything I’m going to try to stop looking through the rearvision mirror. I’m tired of regrets and haranguing myself over things I’ve done or should have done. Learning from the past is important but letting go, equally so.
Does the windscreen vs rearview mirror analogy make sense to you?
* I can’t recall who started the windscreen vs rearview mirror series, but thank them all the same.
November 4, 2015
Hey Deb. It takes guts to be as honest as you are. Please remember, YOU are much more than your appearance. I know you understand this, but I think, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realise how little other people care about what I look like – whether I’m 5kgs heavier or lighter – doesn’t mean much to them, or to me, now. Please also remember how much enjoyment your blog brings to people. Maybe it doesn’t make you money, but it’s generally the non-money making ventures in life (friends, family, hobbies) that bring the most happiness. Cheers, Cassie
November 4, 2015
Thanks Cassie. I still remember when I was younger (in my 20s probably) making a comment to a school friend (when back in my home town on holidays or something) about how I’d put on weight. She obviously knew about my disordered eating history and told me that she didn’t even really notice my weight any more. Well, she’d note if I’d put on weight or lost it but to her I was just me. I know logically I’m like that with other people but just worry I’m past the point of being ‘just a bit overweight’ and that I’m almost sideshow act looking! *sigh*
November 4, 2015
When I turned 40 my GP said to me “I’m not going to hassle you about losing weight anymore. You’ve had 15 years to do it and so you are what you are… At your age, it’s better to be fat and fit than thin and unfit.”
Having heard years of messages (from everywhere and everyone) about weight, something about this one stayed with me. I’ve stuck to a regular exercise routine, stopped focusing on the scales and thought about ‘fitness’ (mind and body). Sometimes I don’t feel like going to the gym but I go anyway and put in a 50% effort. Some might think, “what’s the point in even going?” but it’s about routine and on those 50% days, ‘mental fitness! Who was it who said that 90% of the time success was simply showing up??
Three years since that appointment with my GP I am in the best health I’ve been in decades. Yes, I could still drop 15kg but heart attacks and diabetes are less likely to be in my future than they might have been.
November 4, 2015
I’m in a better place now than I once was Kate and can even look at my 3yr-ago-self and realise she wasn’t all bad. She was a bit overweight but fit and looked relatively normal. And I think I’m still stuck in the mindset of regretting that I’ve let myself go (again and even more!) rather than doing something about it….
November 4, 2015
Deb, I love your honesty and self analysis. On the topic of weight and health, everyone has an opinion about how you should go about it. And reading about all these ‘methods’ on social media really does my head in and as you know has resulted in a 25 kg weight gain. Do I count calories, do I intuitively eat ? Blah blah blah. When you’re feeling vulnerable and obliged to be cheerful and positive, it results indisaster and I am proof positive of this. I am down 2kg so far by the method of focusing on what works for me – food logging – I don’t get myself in a froth if my intake is higher than I’d like, I’m more focused on getting a little accountability and control into my life without being an obsessive banshee. Making this decision has had the payoff that I feel better for taking some control . It’s been a slow loss but I’m in the drivers seat – just doing it my way.
It does sound like that is a desire of yours to become healthier and the most wonderful part is that age doesn’t make that much of a difference – but definitely relate to how you feel.
Xx
November 4, 2015
Hey Liz and I SO know what you mean about being exposed to so many SHOULDS! I’ve actually unfollowed a heap of Instagram people recently who were seemingly obsessed with various forms of food or exercise. It was just a constant reminder of what I WASN’T doing. There are so many bandwagons nowadays I feel like I need to rebel and do the complete opposite (to paleo, quitting sugar etc).
I’m really glad you’ve found something that’s working for you and of course that you’ve kept focusing on your fitness despite your recent injury etc… That’s a great achievement as it would have been so easy to throw it in when faced with a challenge, but you came back even more determined.
November 4, 2015
I can really relate to the looking back at my 17 yr old self and being disappointed with where I am now. And I have a family member who makes this comparison and reminds me they are well meaning. But wasting time on what if’s is probably just that a big waste of time. Taking control of the future can be overwhelming. Baby steps for me work best.
November 4, 2015
Ahhhh… the dreaded ‘What Ifs’. When I was looking for images for this post there were heaps about ‘moving on from our past’ and about the need to learn lessons from it and then move on. I think it’s so true so it frustrates the hell out of me that I bloody live with so much regret. Well, probably anger and frustration more than regret if I’m being honest. And if I’m really digging deep I feel like I’ve failed (on a number of levels) and just can’t forgive myself for that.
November 4, 2015
I absolutely agree, and need to keep reminding myself to stop looking in the rear-vision mirror. I heard someone say the other day that looking back just gives you a sore neck! I think we all have regrets – everyone of us. But do we learn from these regrets or just do more of the same. I am prone to getting sidetracked, easily, very easily. Like right now, when I have work to do! Have a great week. I enjoyed “meeting” you over on Worth Casing Wednesday.
November 4, 2015
Hi Jill and thanks for dropping by. (And I’m the same – very prone to getting sidetracked!)
November 4, 2015
This makes absolute sense to me..especially today. Thank you so much ..I really really needed to read this today of all days xx
November 4, 2015
You’re very welcome. I hope it helped! x
November 4, 2015
I really get that analogy. It actually makes me think of the little sticker I have on my side mirror that says ‘Objects in mirror are closer than they appear’ – they’re out of perspective. I try not to dwell on the past too much. There’s so much I could have done differently. But I’m not dead yet and there’s still things I can do and a life to be excited about. Except when I have PMS.
November 4, 2015
Ah yes… everything’s worse then. (And it’s getting more so the further I get from
4540!November 4, 2015
Good on you Deb! Mirrors are overrated.
I like facing forward but wearing a blindfold so it’s always a surprise… not necessarily pleasant. No expectations. No regrets. Hopefully.
November 4, 2015
That’s a great attitude Cate!
November 4, 2015
oh YOU KNOW this makes so much sense to me. And I rock the no rearview mirror….until I didnt lately.
November 5, 2015
Ah yes…. I can understand that Carla.
November 4, 2015
I LOVE the windscreen analogy. It’s perfect. Deb. Who cares if you’re overweight my darling. You are you, whatever you look like. The soul of a person doesn’t depend on what the scales say or what their dress size is. My friends are all sorts of sizes and shapes. Some Rubenesque and some skinny as a weasel. I wouldn’t have a clue if I had to guess their weight. What does that have to do with anything? You are a lovely person who I’m sure I’d be good friends with (when I will eventually meet you in real life). You must focus on your talents which are many. x
November 5, 2015
We definitely need to meet IRL sometime… And thanks for your kind words. x
November 8, 2015
I love reading these posts as I can identify with so much of what you say. I have a very difficult meeting this afternoon as I am selling something that once meant the world to me. It’s going to be very emotional and difficult as it is finally the end of my dreams in this area of my life. But I’m not going to wallow and am going to remember your words and make myself focus on the view through the windscreen and not the rearview mirror. Thank you x
I hope you can manage to do the same. I know it’s hard when weight issues take over but you are so much more than that. You are a great writer and I also just seem to connect with your posts. Focus on the good and let that give you strength to tackle the rest.
November 8, 2015
Thanks for your lovely comment Trish. I hope your meeting went well and you’re able to focus on what’s ahead!
xx
November 9, 2015
Great post, and it reminds me of some of my own thoughts as time slides by…and unfortunately, what happens in that rearview window vision…as you said, is often a distorted view. When I’m thinking clearly, I see that my younger years were NOT that wonderful, and even though I was thinner, etc., when I am being truly honest, I remember the drama, the angst, and yes, the obsessions with love, etc.
Now my life may not look wonderful on the surface—meaning my outsides—but inside, I’m calmer, more focused, and even peaceful at times. Old age? LOL.
Hang in there…and you have the right idea. Moving forward.
November 9, 2015
I love the way you’ve put that Laurel cos I feel a bit the same. On the outside it may look like my life sucks (and I worry that I see it that way – through others’ eyes) – I’m very overweight, frumpy, not-earning the money I used to earn, more isolated socially, minimal commitments, alone etc…
But IF I allowed myself to enjoy my life as it is now I think I’d be happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Certainly when I really focus on ‘how’ I feel… that’s what I feel.
Wow – thanks for making me put that into words!!!!
November 11, 2015
You are welcome! Go for it!
June 5, 2017
Yes!! And yes again, Deb!! I’ve related life back to the rear view mirror analogy many, many times. The first was quite childish, the end of my first ‘serious’ relationship. What I like about this take on life is that it encourages me to take control of my thoughts and channel them forwards to better and brighter places, people and things.
SSG xxx
June 5, 2017
Oh absolutely!
June 5, 2017
What a great reminder Deb! Looking in the rear view mirror of life can really be a waste of time. We can’t go back so look forward to all the wonderful things that could happen in life. You are sounding so much more relaxed and happy from when I first met you through your blog a few months ago. Have a beautiful day and enjoy!
Sue from Sizzling Towards 60 & Beyond
June 5, 2017
Thanks Sue. I just caught up with someone recently who commented on my change in tone over the last year or so!
June 5, 2017
I love this analogy. I try to live my life this way – looking towards the future with positivity and promise rather than constantly looking behind what has been with regret. It really is a mindset change that I had to take on with our reality as a special needs family. There was no point lamenting was was or what might have been. I needed to look forward so I could guide our kids and give them the best shot at life. This thinking has rubbed off on me personally and professionally too. Once I would have looked back over my nearly three years out of the workforce and concentrated on the goals I haven’t met and the money I haven’t made. But I am making progress, slow but steady, and I’m trying to cling to that. I hope you’re in a better head space now as well x
June 5, 2017
Oh yes I think I wasted way too much time focussed on what I didn’t have and what I hadn’t done, rather than looking forward Kirsty!
June 5, 2017
I tend to find myself looking back at times, but it really isn’t helpful in the grand scheme of things. We can only move forward and my aim now days is to do it with a smile on my face and hanging on to a lot less regrets and “should haves” and “would haves” they just suck the joy out of things. I hope the last six months have seen even more positives in your life Deb xx
June 5, 2017
Other than perhaps to learn from the past I suspect!
And yes they have. There have been highs and lows but I think I’m plateauing out again.
June 5, 2017
What a great post and Deb, your honesty is a gift. I like your take on life…and of course, the only way we can go is onward..and ahead. Thank you for a reminder of this.Thank you for linking up for #lifethisweek 23/52. Next week: Public Holidays.
June 7, 2017
Thanks Denyse. As you know this is an old post but it seems as relevant as ever.
June 6, 2017
That must have been a bit difficult to write Deb. But it’s a great post, and I guess life gets the best of us sometimes and it’s difficult not to fall into a rut. Maybe with all of this free time, you can slowly work in some exercise and see how you feel?
June 8, 2017
Ah yes, it’s an old post Katherine and though I don’t have the exercise down pat yet I’m actually focussing on my ‘incidental exercise’ and getting at least 8000 steps in each day, which I’m finding relatively easy!
October 9, 2017
I love the windscreen saying and if it’s ok, would love to share it?
October 10, 2017
Oh absolutely. Someone I know in the US used to use it and I’ve seen it in a few places!
October 9, 2017
The rear vision mirror analogy of how you can’t keep looking at it to move forward really resonates with me. Whenever I’m a bit down and defeated, I remember it and try not to get lost in the downward spiral of reliving the past.
SSG xxx
October 10, 2017
I’m the same… and it occurs to me that the rear vision mirror often gives a tunnel-vision impression – it’s so narrow compared to what’s ahead.
October 10, 2017
Thanks for reminding us all of the fruitless activity of looking back. I used to get myself caught up in ruminating. Oh my goodness that is so horrid. Thankfully when I expressed it in more recent months, my husband would point out what I was doing and I could stop. I think if you can do that…stop those thoughts and playbacks as much as possible before they even get going it’s a powerful tool. I love seeing and reading the Deb I do now because you are coming right away from ‘where you were stuck’ into the new and more confident place. Onward is appropriate!! Thank you for linking up for #lifethisweek 39/52. Next week: Letter to My 20 year old Self.
October 12, 2017
It’s funny Denyse as I’ve had a not-good week. In fact I had a day or so in which I was really stressed and started to lapse back into the old behaviour and I became really really anxious. I’m hoping there’s a benefit in where I’m ‘at’ now is that I could recognise the irrational thinking, the obsessing and anxiety and attempted to take control of the situation. I feel as if I need to be more resilient but guess it’s a good start that I’m better at recognising the overwhelm before it overcomes me.