In late 2012 – early 2013 I worked through a book I’d received for Christmas.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction or self-help type books, but found myself enjoying the challenge offered via Domonique Bertolucci’s The Happiness Code.
I’d only just finished (what I hoped was) my last full-time position, taken a redundancy from a long career in government, made my seachange and was poised for happiness.
Anyone who’s read through my posts written between September 2012 and mid 2013 will recall there was much soul searching as I struggled with my non-professional identity and a life not defined by what I did.
Suddenly I had to ponder WHO I was. Rather than WHAT.
I was recently reminded of one of the chapters in Bertolucci’s book. I think it came about as others were sharing their New Year’s resolutions or goals and the like.
The chapter’s about goal setting. It’s about working out what you want.
Something I struggle to do.
However, Bertolucci suggests we do it from a position of knowing what we DON’T want.
This approach really spoke to me. Whether it’s because I’m naturally a negative person, I’m not sure… but I’m far better at knowing what feels wrong than what feels right. I trust my gut (or my intuition – #whatevs) – something which sings when I’m faced with things that cause discomfort.
Joy, happiness, contentment is harder, and a rarity for me. But I most certainly know when something’s not right.
I know what I don’t want.
When I first read this chapter I realised I’d been unconsciously working through a process of elimination for much of my adult life… leaving jobs, professions, cities and countries when I realised they didn’t fit with my values or when my discontentment grew out of control.
I read these now – 3 years later – and many still speak to me.
But I’ve changed more in the past three years than in many (many) before that, so it’s time for a rethink.
I’m not going to share all of my thinking here, but in essence:
I don’t want my life to be ruled by rigid diet and exercise. I know I’m obese and unfit so need to make some changes, but I’d like to find a balance rather than dieting strictly and hating the life I’m living UNTIL I reach a weight that allows me to enjoy life again.
I don’t have the resilience or nerve needed to run my own business. I’m happy working for myself, but hate the sales’ stuff that comes with selling yourself. So… I don’t want to be a copywriter or a freelancer wondering how I’ll be able to pay my electricity bill or begging for clients.
But… I do enjoy sharing my own thoughts and ideas. So, I want to pursue some feature writing opportunities… perhaps starting with sharing my book reviews elsewhere. And once I realised this it meant I knew I needed part-time work to pay the bills rather than rely on freelancing as a form of income generation.
Thankfully the perfect part-time job came along and (three weeks in) I’m already feeling a sense of relief I’m not ‘expected’ to be earning a living via my writing.
So, it seems that slowly and surely I’m moving towards some new goals and a happier life. #touchwood #andnotthefrog
Are you able to identify what makes you happy, or would this ‘what I don’t want’ process work for you as well?
February 26, 2016
Deborah, I love this post. I read it initially for the title but then as I got further in, I found myself nodding along. I think I need to get myself a copy of that book. Thanks for the tip. It sounds like you have found the ideal work/life balance – congratulations and thank you for this post. Fantastic!
February 26, 2016
Thanks Tonia. I really enjoyed this book and actually wrote something about each chapter (each key). I think it was in my diet blog (Diet Schmiet) at the time but I merged that into Debbish a few years ago. The book came at a perfect time for me and being able to now ponder on the changes I continue to make I can see I’m moving in the right direction.
February 26, 2016
I am so happy for you Deb! For what it’s worth I think you are beautiful both inside and out xxx
February 26, 2016
Oh thanks Janet. Am feeling tired and emotional (and hormonal) so that made me a bit teary! x
February 26, 2016
Agree its best to eliminate what you don’t want to do. When I first when into a management role I wasn’t sure how I wanted to manage people. I then thought of the worst manager I had worked with and always approached the leadership decision in the exact opposite to that person. Suddenly I found myself developing into a confident manager and developing far more skills than I could have ever identified. I, like you Deb have just finished work and I am heading off for 2 years of travel with my husband. I don’t know what my life will be like in 2018 but it wont look anything like I imagine or plan!
February 26, 2016
Oh Margaret, I like your approach to management and can see how it would allow you to find your fit in the role. And your travel sounds very exciting… I’m sure you’ll have a great time – and if there are rough patches – they will (at least) help you know what DOESN’T make you happy!
February 26, 2016
This is a really practical way to look at what you really want from life. I’m the same as you in many ways – trying to make a living after being in gov’t for so long but lacking the business drive to really pitch my copywriting to others. I’m currently writing a book about travel tips for special needs families and I’m hoping to launch my blog as a resource for other parents. It’s early days but this is where my heart lies and where my passion, expertise and skill can really come together. I may also need to seek part-time work in the coming months to support myself but I no longer see that as a faliure on my part. There is a real freedom to accepting what you don’t want – your experiences are no longer framed in failure because you have made the choice not to pursue that road any more. Thanks for writing this – it has cemented my own thoughts. Good luck with the book reviews x
February 26, 2016
You’re very welcome Kirsty and like you, it’s been an iterative process for me. I did some life coaching with someone a couple of years ago and it was around the time I was trying to do some paid work on my blog. But it was something I really struggled with. I liked the idea of earning money from my writing but through my time with her realised that sponsored stuff here (in the way I was doing it) wasn’t a good fit for me. So… I thought I’d focus on writing for others. And then when I started approaching businesses (and heard nothing back) I realised I was going to struggle to really sell myself in the way I needed to. It took a while but I think accepting that ‘that’ wasn’t me was such a relief!
February 26, 2016
I think a process of elimination is just as valid as knowing what you do want – after all, the end point is the same. I tend to know what I do want but my problem in my 20s and 30s was that what I wanted was not as ambitious as what others EXPECTED. That took a bit of working through on my part!
February 26, 2016
Ah yes… I recently had that conversation re novel writing Kate (but that’s a whole other post). Essentially I wondered if I should be wanting something because it’s what everyone else wants or what they think I want.
February 26, 2016
Also… I haven’t read the book you’ve mentioned (I’ll check it out though). Like you, I’m not so into self-help, however years ago I read Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project and it was life-changing. Further to my comment above, I stopped doing what others expected and did what made me truly happy – not talking big, life decisions, but everyday stuff concerning leisure time etc – the cumulative effect of little changes equalled a lot more happy. For example, I have a friend who likes to go shopping and we’d often catch up in a shopping mall. I loathe shopping unless I have a target and if I have a target I want to be there on my own. So next time the friend suggested shopping I said “I’ll meet you there for lunch”, and I’ve employed a similar strategy ever since. In the time that she’s shopping, I’m doing the stuff that I love – reading, writing, swimming. And I still get to see my friend.
February 26, 2016
Ha Kate, I hate shopping as well, so can relate to that. I haven’t read Gretchen Rubin’s books but follow her on social media and subscribe to her blog as I really like her thinking around some things. (I’ve actually reflected on her posts in a few of my own!)
I wonder if the ability to say no and understand when you’re doing something just because you think you’re supposed to, becomes easier as you get older? I hope it’s not always the case as I’d like to think not everyone has to wait so long and waste so much time…
February 26, 2016
I’m a bit the same. I know what I don’t like and what I’m not comfortable with and that’s often my starting point for decisions. But having said that this new business venture is pushing me into the “not comfortable with this’ zone. I like the making, I like the creating, I like working hard but I hate selling myself and pushing my product. I kinda thought it would all happen organically but I’ve worked out that that’s not going to happen so I have to step out into that place that I didn’t want to go to and make it happen. Luckily I have some good contacts who’ve made the process a little bit easier.
I’m glad you’re finding your path. It sounds like you’re in a good place at the moment.
February 26, 2016
I’m hoping I’m still trying to edge out of my comfort zone a little Char via feature writing etc… I recently sent something off to an editor who said they’d run with hit. It’s an unpaid gig but it’s a start and I was so nervous. Pitching stuff like that will be a huge challenge for me but I kinda like that I can still be myself in that world. When I thought I should be doing copywriting it made me second-guess what I was writing on my blog because I didn’t want potential clients (esp local ones, which was my focus) to be privy to my innermost thoughts. (And I know that doesn’t entirely make sense!)
February 26, 2016
I really like this – I think I have received similar advice when I whine “but I don’t know what I want!!!!” – it is true that I DO know what I don’t want.
I remember when I thought I had to want to be a freelance writer. What?! I don’t want to write about what someone tells me to write about. I want to write about stuff I want to write about.
I also really don’t like the attitude that is a bit pervasive online that if you earn money online, a part time job can’t be one of your income streams. It’s silly. It can be if you want it to be. And I think it is for many, many people! Yet people keep it secret. Pfft. I’m too lazy for secrets.
February 26, 2016
I’m the same Vanessa re ‘what I want to write about’. I suspect my (pipe) dream has been to have a column or something like that – where I share my (oh so enlightened?!) thoughts on a regular basis. I very much doubt websites / newspapers will be knocking down my door anytime soon, but… I can start by trying to get some pieces published.
February 26, 2016
So happy for you, Deb! Congrats on the job and sounds like you’ve found your happy place! I think the older I get the better I am at knowing what I don’t want and what I do want and am able to make choices that make me happy. I love the sound of this book – I love reading about the science of happiness and think this might be right up my alley!
February 26, 2016
It’s a great book Sammie. My mum got it at a local bookshop (and it’s a lovely small hard copy). You can get them from Domonique’s site and most of the usual places as well. She’s actually got a series of books out and I’ve always meant to buy more of her work!
February 26, 2016
I love the sound of this book, I’ve just started reading Oprah’s book, What I know for sure.
A few years ago, you would never have found me reading these kind of books, but now I just love reading things that inspire you and help you make positive changes, I’m adding this one to my list, thanks Deb.
February 26, 2016
I noticed there’s actually a free downloadable work book to accompany this on Domonique’s site when I was linking the post up. I don’t think that was around when I was working through it… (though it was three years ago!) 😉
February 26, 2016
I am so pleased you are finding this balance. I hate sales too and love the idea of working for myself but can see how I would find it stressful wondering how I would find the next client, freelance gig, customer whatever. Great post. I definitely know what I don’t want! I feel like I have changed quite a bit all of a sudden or maybe I have just finally reached my limit with certain recurring issues. So I am excited and nervous about coming changes.
February 26, 2016
Ah yes, I wonder if that’s common Jess… people ‘move on’ in fits and starts – more at some times than others.
February 26, 2016
Thought provoking and I haven’t thought too much about it.
Have you read Embrace ?
There is a lot of merit in knowing what you don’t want.
I’m stepping out of my comfort zone this weekend to go skinny (dipping) with a few hundred others. All about celebrating our bodies , loving the body you have ,in all shapes, sizes and the depletion of stereotypes.
February 26, 2016
I haven’t read Embrace Trish (will Google it).
Good luck with the skinny dipping!!!
February 26, 2016
Sometimes it’s really hard to know exactly what it is we want so I really like the idea of looking at it from the perspective of what it is we don’t want. Just like you I like the idea of working for myself but not selling myself (I never realised that until just now!) sounds like this part time job has come at the perfect time for you!
February 26, 2016
True Sarah and it wasn’t til commenting elsewhere today I realised that the reason I initially thought I might consider copywriting etc was because no suitable part-time jobs seemed to come up. Fortunately I then fell into some regular contract work and didn’t need to worry for a year or so. But then last year things changed again and I wondered about working for myself. It was more of a last-resort for me but I wondered if it would be a good fit. And it wasn’t!
February 26, 2016
Great post Deb! I was a bit into freelancing too and I think I might’ve learned to become better at it and probably even enjoy the selling part of freelancing. What drove me batsh*t crazy though was the loneliness. I’m an introvert but it definitely didn’t mean it was good for me too work – and live – alone by myself. So I gave it up and now I’m studying for a new career..
That said, I also think there’s a serious weakness in the “elimination method”. It’s way too easy to avoid doing important things because they make you feel anxious and uncomfortable. So there should be some method to counter that tendency. I wonder if there is anything about that in the book?
February 27, 2016
I’m pretty sure the book covers that Satu, but must read through all of my old posts (or re-read the book, which is probably timely… though I have SO many new books to read!).
It is very isolating, isn’t it… working at home? I found the same thing. I also found it exhausting on my first 3 day week back in an office environment as I had to be ‘up’ and nice all day!!! 🙂
February 27, 2016
I think I realised what I didn’t want about thirteen years ago. It’s a good philosophy. Sometimes we can’t know what we actually want because things we haven’t even dreamed about could happen. Great to hear your doing well in your new job 🙂
February 27, 2016
Very true Michelle!
February 28, 2016
Love this!
One thing I had to come to terms with when I left the Public Service was that my work is not my worth. I was so empowered at work and everything I did was so “important”. Of course it wasn’t. When I left I didn’t know who I was anymore. It took me a while to realise my work is not my worth and that it was just a small part of me, not the sum total of who I am.
February 28, 2016
Yes, that was a biggie for me too Leanne. As I didn’t have a family or partner, work was kinda everything for me and very much defined me. Leaving that was a big change!
February 28, 2016
This is wonderful! Any book that can make you think about your goals is a good book to me. I love being inspired by my reading. I think I am really motivated by what I don’t want. It wasn’t until I laid out my ideal mate that he actually showed up. I mean I made a list of what I don’t want and he fit the criteria. Before that it was me making major exceptions for romance in my life. I think at least identifying what you don’t want can help you zero in on what you really want.
February 28, 2016
Great idea to use it to identify what you don’t want in a partner Karen. I hadn’t thought of that!
March 1, 2016
Chiming in a bit late Deb but this makes perfect sense to me. We work our lives into the centre of what feels good – not a sweet spot but a broader zone of what we are comfortable with by getting rid of negatives as much as embracing positives. And your thought process has really paid off. So glad you are enjoying the part-time gig and that it is taking pressure off paying the bills through freelancing – hope you can enjoy your writing and book reviewing more as a result. I’m like you – wondering whether I have the sales bravado in me to make a go of freelancing/business and so I haven’t really tried. The truth is our job and our passion/s don’t have to be the same thing as long as we can balance both.
March 1, 2016
That’s true Kathy and I think I’ve realised it’s the case for me! I like to enjoy my work but I’m passionate about reading and writing!