Prone to (over) self-analysis as I am, I’ve been trying to work out how I feel now that I have finished work. (Albeit temporarily. Unless I find myself that Sugar Daddy!)

I’ve always worked, since my Uni days. Work has grounded me. It’s made me who I am. With no partner or family, it’s defined me.

And now… here I am… unemployed. So… who the fuck am I?

I’ve had heaps of emails, texts and messages from well-wishers – all telling me that I can expect great things – and for this I am grateful.

It’s the little things I’m weirded-out about: like having to hand in my work security card. I mean, I have no ‘pass’ to get me into a building, no identification telling people who I am. For the first time in… god only knows how long!

Although I’m (beyond) relieved not to be driving into work each day or catching a train or bus, it feels strange that there’s nowhere I have to be. And the notion of not having to worry about what-to-wear-to-work? Also perplexing.

The last two days have been a bit angsty. The sale of my apartment fell through yesterday and then today, overseas development opportunities I was going to apply for were closed down early. I realise these are hiccups in the overall scheme of things, but… with nothing grounding me I was thrown more than I usually would be. (Never fear… that angsty post appeared in my other blog!)

When I worked out my being-made-redundant budget (making assumptions about the sale of this place and purchase of my next place) I planned to have enough money leftover to not have to work for a while. Months and months even.

When people have asked what I’m going to do… I say ‘write’. Well, actually I say ‘blog’ but to those outside of the blogging world it means little, so I explain I just like to write. Mostly I say that I just don’t want to work. At least for a while. And when I do work, I don’t think I want work to be central to my existence. Not anymore. There has to be more to life than that.

So… now that I’m floating about my for-sale apartment I’m already thinking about what all of this means. Obviously I don’t feel as if the next stage has started yet – at least – not until I move and start afresh.

The notion of not-working-for-some-time hasn’t really sunk in. On my last day at work I kept getting asked how I felt. I’d shrug and explain that I wasn’t sure. And I’m still not.

Other than the strange feeling of being cast adrift, that is. The feeling of being untethered.

Naturally I’m falling back on my control-freak ways. I have a ‘To-Do’ list and have already been stressing about ticking stuff off. (And yes, it’s day 2!)

However… on that note, I’m determined NOT to fritter away this precious not-working time. I am determined NOT to become someone who spends their days in front of infomercials and Dr Phil and the like (no offence to those who enjoy daytime TV, it’s just that I watch enough evening television not to spend my days in the same vein).

I’m also determined NOT to fall into the bad habits I am prone to on weekends or on holidays: ridiculously late nights and sleeping away most of the morning. Although I’m not planning to get up at 5.30 am (as I did this morning – damned garbage truck!) I’m keen to get up and start the day at a decent / normal hour – as if I was still a productive member of society (and yes, I am joking… I know I’ve NEVER been a productive member of society!).

I’m excited by the not-working notion (assuming I can finance it for a while) but want to be a lady of leisure who lunches out and does fabulous things, not someone with her hair in rollers still wearing her crumb-covered dressing gown while glued to The View at 2 o’clock in the afternoon!

Once I’ve moved I want to get into a routine that involves exercise and being more creative… and that will take some discipline and planning; but for now I have my ‘To-Do’ list and I’m trying to work through it slowly so I can feel a sense of accomplishment; and (quite frankly) so I can move the fuck on with my life!

I DO know it’s only been two days but is my ‘To-Do’ list angst understandable? (Or should I still be kicking back drinking things with little umbrellas in them?)