This is what I know.
1. I don’t want to work full-time any more. It’s nothing to do with my current temp job, but as soon as I realised I would be working full-time again I became resentful. I know work / employment is a necessary evil to pay the bills but I’d prefer to go holiday-less than work full-time. Life is short. I’m tired of it being joy-less.
2. I have less tolerance to put up with shit at work. (Again, this doesn’t reflect my current temp workplace but is more of a culmination of recent jobs. I’ve always placed way too much importance on work and it’s rarely, if ever, reciprocated.)
3. Receiving thanks or appreciation (and expressing it to / for others) is da bomb!
(I recently received praise for something and have been reminded of that warm glow you experience from a kind word or two.)
4. The people you think will be there for you often aren’t. Those you least expect it of, are. #againingeneral
5. I’m tired of searching for stuff to make me happy or contented and being unable to find it. I kinda know I need to create it myself, but it’s bloody hard nonetheless.
6. I want to travel. Which is interesting cos I didn’t think I did. I do worry however, it’s more about being absent / leaving my current life than a burning desire to visit other places. (Refer to point 1.)
7. I’m tired of eating. After 35 years of binge-eating, I find no joy from eating yet I continue to do it nonetheless. Chips, caramello koalas and diet coke are still my ‘go-to’ option but they’re bringing me little joy. Marie Kondo would recommend I ditch them. And yet I have no replacements. I thought having more exciting meals might be more enticing (and limit my reliance on crap) but not sure that’s gonna work.
8. My biggest disappointment in myself is that I’m not pursuing my writing. I can’t even claim writer’s block or lack of time. I don’t even ‘open’ my draft novels. I haven’t pitched feature articles to paying sources. And I don’t understand why. Fear of failure / success / apathy all seem obvious and yet it remains my biggest regret. (Well that and having never been in love and had kids!)
9. I’m tired of blogging. I know there are people who appreciate my book reviews but it takes a friggin’ long time, takes the joy out of reading and I’m just not sure I want to do it any more. It’s become a chore. But it’s also become my identity and I don’t know how to shut that down.
10. I’m tired. I’m moody. I blamed my job. I blamed unemployment. My emotions are all over the place and I suspect menopause has something to do with it; but I’m doing the Winston Churchill thing and focussing on the other end of the tunnel. I apologise for my moodiness. For disappearing. For returning. For my existential angst. For my neediness. For my bitterness. For being so ungrateful and discontented when I have so much.
What do you know?
February 28, 2019
Hugs for you. Wish I was closer and then we could have a bing, together. You are fantastic, so hang in there.
February 28, 2019
Thanks Lilian. Hopefully I’m sounding kinda resolute and not too pathetic. x
February 28, 2019
I can relate to several of your points. The eating I fully resemble. I also ran the same scenarios or excuses through my head for why I’m not focusing on writing. I realized that I could also have a fear of success. Hugs and wishing you the best life has waiting for you. Keep your chin up. I truly enjoy your reviews. You’ve been an inspiration to me. No pressure–you must do what makes you happy.
February 28, 2019
It keeps occurring to me Debra that I could cut back on my book reviews, but the hard task for me is to do so without the guilt. I’m not good with moderation (being an ‘all or nothing’ kinda gal). There’s no reason I couldn’t just do a couple a month. I suspect I’d stop receiving books from publishers if I just commented on them on Instagram or Goodreads but having to do less prep would help. (It’d be nice to be able to read a book without having to take notes or flag sentences etc…) Sigh.
February 28, 2019
I really enjoy getting your reviews, Deb. And being a single woman with an addiction to chocolate I share some life bits with you. I have been listening to Abraham Hicks on You Tube and it has really helped.
February 28, 2019
I’ve not heard of Abraham Hicks. I keep reading and listening to the likes of Tiny Buddha, No Sidebar, Mark Manson etc but tend to hear / read what I already know. I realise it’s actually believing it / getting it to sink in that’s part of the problem.
February 28, 2019
I know you are sad. I know you are doing something by sharing this. I know, as I found, that life itself can often give us not what we expect but what we have no control over AND it can be the reason to BE. Struggles like this are oh so awful but they help us along the way to GET there. There of course is not always what we think. You cannot be who you think you ought to be or could ne. Let you happen. The struggle IS real & writing it out just for me each day in an online journal helps me see how far I have come. Please don’t think I have all the answers… i don’t but inside you there are more strengths than you know. D xx
February 28, 2019
Thanks Denyse. I’ve got something separate drafted about the whole not-working vs looking-for-a-job thing. It annoyed me that I felt so unsettled when I was unemployed (before this job) when I’d been craving free time for so long. But I think it’s very different when you feel you SHOULD be looking for a job as it feels as if you can’t just pfaff around.
I know I overanalyse this stuff. It annoys me that I can’t just plod through my days. I worked full-time for 20+ years before I took my redundancy and had kinda accepted that was ‘how it was’. Being exposed to other options (including the frivolity and fun of my Italian holiday) has reminded me there’s more out there.
And yes, I think I’ve started mourning the stuff I’ve missed. I thought I was over it… but as I finally accept the fact I’m ageing I’m feeling kinda sad.
February 28, 2019
I think you are doing what you said…grieving….and that is for much in your life. I am hopeful over time, that you will settle more. Right now unsettling IS awful and odd and you want it gone….. In terms of eating, funny thing that has happened to me. I started eating more in terms of ‘crap’ thinking I had missed it….and I did but I also found after a few mouthfuls I started to feel unwell. What the heck? Maybe this surgery of mine helped me more than I thought. I actually stood in Coles today to see if I could find a small chocolate I could imagine eating and feeling OK afterwards. There was no such thing. I drank water instead then had some cake with my coffee later. I say to my husband often “I feel like I am re-calibrating”. This is only what is working for me, D xx
February 28, 2019
Okay…I can relate to much of this – especially the day job thing. My frustration is that I’m not writing as quickly as I usually do but also that I don’t have the time to devote to actually selling my books & that irritates me beyond belief. Plus I’m moody, tired, restless & other than my morning walks not moving enough. Plus I’m drinking more than I should to decompress & need to find other ways of managing the day job stress. Then there’s this travel up & back from Sydney which throws me even further out of routine, fitness & everything else. Sure it’s about finding joy but sometimes that’s hard to see. My 2 cents worth? I think you should refind your joy in reading and story – and that might only happen if you cut back on reviewing…even for just a few months.
February 28, 2019
Yes yes yes yes, to everything you’ve said. I enjoy spending nights with my mum but often wake and can’t remember where I am. At least I’m on a different side of the bed at my place. When I first got back from cat-sitting I kept thinking I was getting out of bed in Brisbane!
Also, I think you know Jo, you’re my role model when it comes to writing creatively while working and having other commitments. I compare myself to you (unfavourably) and the fact you will write in snippets of time you get. And the comparison thing isn’t a negative for me, but a reminder it’s possible IF I REALLY WANT TO DO IT!
February 28, 2019
I absolutely think you can – but also think that fear is what’s really blocking you. I’m wondering if we set ourselves up a little virtual writing group where we have to clear diaries and write – & commit to that. The words don’t have to be great, but they do need to be written. Somehow we need to recapture the joy of that from Italy.
February 28, 2019
Yes. I keep looking online at places to rent to think about a group of us going on a writing retreat. I’m conscious though that I need to have some self-discipline and write at home as well though.
February 28, 2019
I know that you’re too hard on yourself. I know that you’re feeling down and discouraged. I know because I recognise it because I get that way too … a lot. I know that perimenopause/menopause has a lot to do with it. The hormones that help keep us feeling ‘balanced’ are declining. They’re pissing off on us! Joy of joys! I know that if blogging is not giving you joy right now then you need to take a break from it. I know that you are talented at writing and I know that you have lots of people who care about you … so therefore … I know you’ll be feeling happier again soon and that you’ll be ok. xo #TeamLovinLife
February 28, 2019
Okay, so I had a sneaky break at work to read this and now I’m crying. Fucking menopause. Seriously my emotions are all over the place. (Not to mention my body temperature!)
February 28, 2019
I relate to so much of what you said. Thanks for being vulnerable. Sounds like maybe you need to mix things up a bit. Try new things, people, places, foods, etc. Look into the work of Michelle May. Just finished being on retreat with her. Learning a lot.
February 28, 2019
It occurs to me my honesty usually only comes via self-deprecating confessions. I overshare A LOT. But often not about the stuff that really matters.
February 28, 2019
I know that we, your readers, don’t ask anything of you. You give what you want and we enjoy that, end of story.
I’m avoiding putting my therapist hat on here (because I try to have a work/ life divide!) but the best way to identify what brings you happiness/ joy/ contentment is to ask yourself this question when you are doing something that you DON’T like – “What would I rather be doing right now?” Sometimes that’s tricky because, for example, you have to go to work. However, if you were lying in the bath reading a book (for example!) and you thought “I’m enjoying this but I’d rather be reading without having to make notes for a review…” Well, you know what to do Deb.
Kate xx
February 28, 2019
Yes, I’ve changed ‘identity’ a heaps of times in my life (career-wise mainly) so I don’t know why I’m reluctant to let go of the book-blogger / reviewer thing.
February 28, 2019
Also, have you read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin? I’m not into self-help books but I did find this one interesting. And also, to remind us to be easy on ourselves, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brenee Brown.
February 28, 2019
I actually read The Happiness Project years ago (and used to follow Rubin’s blog). I still follow her on social media now, as well as Brene Brown but haven’t read The Gifts of Imperfection.
February 28, 2019
Hi Deb – I think Jo’s suggestion to set up a virtual writing group is a good idea. If you’re tired of doing book reviews and blogging about them, do less of it or stop for a while. In their place, you can read for the joy of reading, and write for the joy of writing stories and post them on your blog if you like. They don’t have to be long or elaborate, I think at the beginning, it’s more about forming a habit of writing consistently. I know you’ll feel better again soon. #LovinLifeLinky
February 28, 2019
I know on a few occasions when I’ve cut back on my blogging / reviewing I end up wanting to write, so perhaps the same thing would happen if I didn’t allow myself to blog / review – I might write other stuff.
February 28, 2019
You sound like me on a good day! I spend so much time trying to find a balance between work and life it can be exhausting. I am sure there is a path through for you (and me) but it probably takes a leap of faith! Good luck x
March 1, 2019
Thanks Emma!
March 2, 2019
I know that I enjoy catching up on your writing and I know what grieving is like, it also feels endless at times and in a way it is. You sound tired and fed up and maybe you are. I have no answers for you but it is good to share these thoughts and get feedback – all of us doubt ourselves and I know what a blogging slump feels like. I can relate to much of what you ‘know’ and you aren’t alone. It doesn’t help you much to know that but taking steps to change things is the first step! Take care 🙂
March 2, 2019
Thanks Debbie. It’s comforting to know I’m not being overly precious and that others can relate. I think sometimes it’s hard to actually be honest about how we feel because of the point I include at the end. I’m very lucky compared to most so feel guilty for that unhappiness. But then I’m reminded that seemingly famous and happy people suicide and from the outside we wonder why on earth they’d want to leave their (seemingly) blessed lives.
March 3, 2019
Sometimes I think the existential crises are the worst. I hear what you’re saying about some regrets, about the fears and about being stuck and unable to change. To be honest, I fear if I stop ‘doing’, I will most definitely spiral into the depths of darkness. I think it’s okay to feel like that some of the time and we have spoken how we could write it down and then tackle it one at a time. But then again, it can all seem so overwhelming, you end up freezing. I don’t know if there are necessarily answers to the existential questions unless we make meaning out of things that occur. Sometimes it helps to ask a ‘why’ in life but at other times, the same question can be paralysing and depressing. I do think we try and ascribe to a certain social narrative in terms of what life needs to look like by a certain ages and consequently, we beat ourselves up when we don’t meet those ‘milestones’. I don’t have any wise words of wisdom but I am here if you need to vent or chat and want someone to listen
March 3, 2019
Sanch, that is very much appreciated. Thanks so much. I can’t work out if it’s a good thing… this current struggle with life and being in my own skin. It’s at the point that I no longer really even know what would make me happy. I guess I’m ticking off the things that don’t (make me happy, or make me extremely unhappy) by going through this current antipathy to / with everything.
Am trying to focus on what I can learn from the experiences of my last six months (or year) and see it as a positive thing.