This is what I know.
1. I don’t want to work full-time any more. It’s nothing to do with my current temp job, but as soon as I realised I would be working full-time again I became resentful. I know work / employment is a necessary evil to pay the bills but I’d prefer to go holiday-less than work full-time. Life is short. I’m tired of it being joy-less.
2. I have less tolerance to put up with shit at work. (Again, this doesn’t reflect my current temp workplace but is more of a culmination of recent jobs. I’ve always placed way too much importance on work and it’s rarely, if ever, reciprocated.)
3. Receiving thanks or appreciation (and expressing it to / for others) is da bomb!
(I recently received praise for something and have been reminded of that warm glow you experience from a kind word or two.)
4. The people you think will be there for you often aren’t. Those you least expect it of, are. #againingeneral
5. I’m tired of searching for stuff to make me happy or contented and being unable to find it. I kinda know I need to create it myself, but it’s bloody hard nonetheless.
6. I want to travel. Which is interesting cos I didn’t think I did. I do worry however, it’s more about being absent / leaving my current life than a burning desire to visit other places. (Refer to point 1.)
7. I’m tired of eating. After 35 years of binge-eating, I find no joy from eating yet I continue to do it nonetheless. Chips, caramello koalas and diet coke are still my ‘go-to’ option but they’re bringing me little joy. Marie Kondo would recommend I ditch them. And yet I have no replacements. I thought having more exciting meals might be more enticing (and limit my reliance on crap) but not sure that’s gonna work.
8. My biggest disappointment in myself is that I’m not pursuing my writing. I can’t even claim writer’s block or lack of time. I don’t even ‘open’ my draft novels. I haven’t pitched feature articles to paying sources. And I don’t understand why. Fear of failure / success / apathy all seem obvious and yet it remains my biggest regret. (Well that and having never been in love and had kids!)
9. I’m tired of blogging. I know there are people who appreciate my book reviews but it takes a friggin’ long time, takes the joy out of reading and I’m just not sure I want to do it any more. It’s become a chore. But it’s also become my identity and I don’t know how to shut that down.
10. I’m tired. I’m moody. I blamed my job. I blamed unemployment. My emotions are all over the place and I suspect menopause has something to do with it; but I’m doing the Winston Churchill thing and focussing on the other end of the tunnel. I apologise for my moodiness. For disappearing. For returning. For my existential angst. For my neediness. For my bitterness. For being so ungrateful and discontented when I have so much.
What do you know?