The parent child conundrum

Friday, May 26, 2023 Permalink

My mother lives in a nearby town about half an hour away. I stay with her one or two nights each week as my office is there and it saves me a commute or two. She’s still in my childhood home (my parents moved there just after my older brother was born). So it always feels like home.

She doesn’t love the busier traffic in my town and avoids it where possible but is coming for a rare overnighter tonight as it’s a public holiday for our show (town fair). And even though I’m 55 years old and probably more pedantic in terms of cleanliness and the like, I’ve been cleaning like a banshee.

So I’ve been pondering this parent child conundrum. Does one ever gets over this desire to please one’s parents? Do you grow (or evolve) out of it? The sane part of me knows my mother won’t judge me because of the state of my place, but nonetheless I’ve been ticking things off my list. Folding a nice towel on her bed and the like.

picture of to do list in preparation for a visit from my mother

I recall when I lived further away – not overseas but just in our state’s capital – I’d often ring or message my parents if I was taking a day off sick. Reporting in if you like. At the time I wondered if it was a guilt thing… needing to confess that I was absent (even if I was on my deathbed!) or whether it was something I did because I had no significant other and no one else to share that with.

I wonder how many other things we struggle to let go of, when we (the children) become adults ourselves. And even more so when we start to take on a carer’s role… our roles are reversed?

Is it just me?

** Linking up with the What’s been on your calendar gang, cos I’ve been a bad blogger of late!

21 Comments
  • Jennifer Jones
    May 26, 2023

    You’re not alone Deb. I would be the same. My mother’s standards are much higher than mine.

    • Debbish
      May 27, 2023

      My mum’s isn’t anymore. I was a pretty messy kid but as an adult I hate clutter.. though have spots in my house that accumulate it (on my desk, in my walk-in wardrobe etc). I get angsty if my floors are dirty or benches not clean so I realise much of this is about how I THINK she sees me vs the way she sees me…

  • Suzanne
    May 26, 2023

    Do we ever stop feeling like a child when we are with our parents? Yes, a strange dilemma to be in. I remember my Mum telling me not to pick up a glass bowl in case I dropped it, I was 60 and my reply to her was I could afford to pay if it happened which it didn’t. Some days it becomes less of an issue to please a parent or anyone for that matter.

    • Debbish
      May 27, 2023

      True. I do tend to zone out if she lectures me about certain things, or just say yes, knowing I won’t do something. My mum and I differ a lot in our levels of motivation / apathy. Decades ago I used to rely on her visits to force me to go and do something I was putting off. I’d tell her in advance, “I need you to make me go to buy some plants this weekend when you visit.” And she’d do it. Whereas I find all sorts of excuses. She likes to be doing things all of the time whereas I’m a great procrastinator.

  • Retirement Reflections
    May 26, 2023

    Hi, Deb – It’s definitely not just you. The parent-child conundrum is real — very real

    • Debbish
      May 27, 2023

      Phew, I was worried my people-pleasing need was off the scale on the parental front!

  • Sue from Women Living Well After 50
    May 27, 2023

    HI Deb, no it isn’t you – we are all like that. Unfortunately for me I lost my Mum when I was 29 (I’m almost 66) so haven’t had the opportunity to check in with her. I still think though when I do things ‘I wonder what Mum would think or feel about this?’. Treasure your Mum and take care. Thanks for linking up to WBOYC. xx

    • Debbish
      May 27, 2023

      Ah yes, I certainly treasure her. I’m lucky to still have her and am also really conscious of everything she did for dad as his carer over his last few years of dementia etc…

  • Denyse Whelan Hosts A Weekly Blog Link Up on Wednesdays.
    May 27, 2023

    I can tell you now I “still” think I need Dad’s approval..and I know I don’t intellectually. In fact he has been very kindly giving me praise in my 70s (he being nearly 100) that I cannot recall. He told me on a recent visit “I am very proud of you”. Wow. But here’s the thing, it IS about my lesser than kind thinking about me that is the issue most likely and I am doing a lot about that right now. Take care D x

    • Debbish
      May 27, 2023

      Oh yes, I can relate Denyse. I certainly judge myself harsher than anyone else. As you know there was some work stuff very recently and someone who ‘could’ have lessened that angst was horrified that I had held onto something said when (to them) it was flippant and in the heat of the moment, but to me, devastating.

  • Debbie
    May 27, 2023

    I also do the cleaning like a banshee too Deb, my mum wouldn’t judge me but she does have high standards! My husband often jokes that he loves people coming to visit because the house gets a good clean! It’s not just you 🙂

    • Debbish
      May 28, 2023

      Oh yes, that’s true Deb… I’m a bit the same when anyone comes to visit so perhaps it isn’t just a parental judgement thing!

  • Michelle
    May 27, 2023

    My mother now lives with us, and she’s sweet, easy to get along with, helps out around the house, and yet I still worry about disappointing her. It’s not just you.

    Michelle

    • Debbish
      May 28, 2023

      Oh how lovely that she’s living with you AND you enjoy having her there. My mother and I are close but I’m not sure we could live together… although perhaps one day out of necessity…

  • Christie Hawkes
    May 28, 2023

    My parents are both gone now, Deb, but I always wanted to please them to the very end. Neither were hard to please, so it wasn’t a difficult task!

    • Debbish
      May 28, 2023

      Oh that’s lovely Christie and so great you know and could recognise that.

  • leannelc
    May 29, 2023

    Hi Deb – as the others said, yes the conundrum is real. The bonus for me is that my mother isn’t much of a cleaner, so my house is immaculate compared to hers. I certainly feel a greater sense of obligation and the need to check in with her than either of my kids feel for me. I think our generation may be the last one to ‘honour our parents’ – the next one is like “there’s the old folks home, have fun!”

    • Debbish
      May 30, 2023

      I like the way you put it Leanne… ‘the need to check-in’ and that’s exactly what it is for me.

  • Jo
    May 29, 2023

    The answer is no – you never get over it!

  • Lisa
    June 6, 2023

    No, nothing changes – and right now it is driving me crazy, what doesn’t change is the sibling competitiveness to be the favourite! I have five sisters (and two brothers, but the brothers don’t get involved in the competitiveness nonsense), Mum and Dad both in their early 80’s have covid right now and here in NZ it is still 7 days isolation. The “look at me, look at what I’m doing, look at how much I love and therefore they love me the most” drives me insane. I’m a middle child peacemaker and avoider of conflict so I tend to stand back and end up looking like the unfeeling sister *eyeroll*. I sent a quiet message to my mother earlier to say, I’m across the road from the shops and about two minutes away from their home – if they need anything I can pop out of work very easily and get anything – and no, I didn’t then put on our family message page that I’d done so .. no “look at me” validation needed 😉

    • Debbish
      June 10, 2023

      Oh I’m so sorry your parents have COVID, hopefully they’re not too unwell. And I had to laugh at the sibling rivalry comment. I guess I’m glad I only have one brother.

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