The ‘m’ word

Sunday, May 13, 2012 Permalink

I just read a blog post written by someone who’s desperate to have children but has not – as yet – been successful. It’s Mother’s Day today so she was talking about the difficulty she was having when so much love, attention and effusive appreciation is being bestowed on women around her.

I completely get this, having been unsuccessful in the trying-to-be-a-Mother game myself. Many who know me will know I can be quite bitter and twisted about my lack of success about this, especially when it comes to others so easily. They know that I lived my life just ‘expecting’ that one day I too would have the fairytale – partner/husband and children… a family of my own. I mean, isn’t that what we are all raised to believe?

But it wasn’t to be. Any of it. I bitch about friends who tell me I’m lucky I can loll in the bath with champagne and a book, claiming I’d happily forsake my baths for 15-20 years if given the choice. I tell them I read entire books in an evening because there’s nothing else to do.

But… I’m becoming increasingly conscious that I also need to own my own feelings. I can’t begrudge someone else’s joy (or smugness) over their good fortune. But it’s hard. I constantly read joyous tweets about ‘cute things the kids did’ or bitchy ‘I hate my kids’ status updates, or I see parent/child television commercials that make me cry.

Friends have become pregnant easily, or with difficulty, in recent times and I know I need to be happy for them. I need to be able to think of them without being overcome by my perception of the ‘injustice’ of it all.

I like to think I’m slowly getting there: planning for a life alone; and not begrudging others their happiness. They have what I want. I’d be happy too. They have a right to their joy and contentment as much as they have a right to (hopefully only) sometimes wishing their kids had never been born. I know I also have a right to be envious, but I can’t let that envelop me.

Jokingly I sometimes think I need to focus more on those with problem-children, or the negatives (supermarket tantrums, sleepless nights and the like) so I can move to a position of some sort of ‘relief’ at my childlessness. Or at least somewhere in between.

To all of my female friends – have a great day… kids or no kids.

xxx

10 Comments
  • Kerri Sackville
    May 13, 2012

    What a moving post. I can only imagine your pain. I totally understand your envy of your friends who are pregnant/have kids, and how desperately hard it must be to be happy for them. The fact that you’re even trying, the fact that you are empathic and thoughtful enough to want to be happy for your friends, shows what a caring person you are.
    I hope you find your happiness, in whatever form it takes xxxx

    • Debbish
      May 13, 2012

      Thanks Kerri. I like to think I’m SLOWLY getting there….

      Deb

  • Lou Lou
    May 14, 2012

    Oh I am so sorry to read this post. I know some of what you are going through, I went through hell getting my daughter and lived many years super pissed off at anyone pregnant. Those status updates used to drive me insane and if it’s any comfort, they still do! You are just in all your emotions and thoughts…

    • Debbish
      May 14, 2012

      True Lou Lou… Though I do realise I have to move on at some point (sadly!). (Although I can see myself as a bitter and twisted ‘old maid’!!!)

  • KCLAnderson (Karen)
    May 14, 2012

    I applaud your awareness and not wanting to be bitter…hugs! Have you ever considered adoption? I hope that’s not an overly asked, insensitive question.

    I wish I could say, “I feel your pain”…I never wanted kids (and to this day have not even come close to regretting it), although I ended up becoming a stepmother at age 35 and am now able to be a grandmother to my stepdaughter’s son. But it doesn’t feel like it comes naturally to me. In fact, I’ve got a blog post brewing about it. I used to think I wanted the recognition of being a stepmother, but I really don’t. What I want is to recognized for being me, a person with various relationships, without the titles. It takes the stress out of these sort of holidays.

    • Debbish
      May 14, 2012

      Hi Karen, adoption is pretty hard here in Australia… long waiting lists and intercountry adoption is also hard. It ‘may’ have been something I’d considered if I was still living overseas (I lived in Africa and Asia for a while years ago) but not sure I’d do it if I had no connection to the child’s country of birth… (but that’s just me!).

      Would love to read your post when you get around to it!

      Deb

  • Eating as a Path to Yoga
    May 14, 2012

    OH wow. I have a lot of grief and unfullfilled dreams about this issue. You see, my dream for my entire life included a husband a children. And I don’t have either. It’s really tough some days. And. It’s really great some days. Trying to find joy in the pain. Still having hope for the future.

    • Debbish
      May 14, 2012

      Hope is important! xx

  • Louise
    May 16, 2012

    You made me cry Deb. All I know is everyone carries ‘something’ that want different.. sometimes this is well known to everyone (eg anyone on a reality show!), more often not disclosed to even their closest friends. I think sharing your ‘stuff’ is what owning it means, so celebrate another achievement – you own your ‘stuff’ !! Hurray!! More importantly when are we going to have coffee????

    • Debbish
      May 16, 2012

      Thanks Louise… yes, we must catch up. I’m pretty sure it’s been over a year! Will email.

      xx

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