Spiralling

Wednesday, March 9, 2022 Permalink

Dear Diary

Entries like this seem to have become increasingly regular over the past 3 or 4 years. Any resilience I once had seems to have diminished to the point that the smallest thing can send me over the edge. I’ve always been a catastrophiser, but usually know better and rein in my overthinking. I can logically work my way through the dark thoughts or sense of overwhelm and even laugh at myself for being such a drama queen.

I know you see…. that my life is good. I’m fortunate. More fortunate than most. Privileged I think is what the ‘woke’ folk call it nowadays.

And yet I find myself spiralling into a world of negativity and doom that it’s increasingly hard to escape. Of course the sane, logical me knows those feelings and thoughts will pass. That I’ll methodically do what needs doing, and – at least momentarily – experience the sense of accomplishment and relief. Perhaps even happiness.

spiralling

But at the moment those moments are short-lived.

Embarrassingly it’s not even war on the other side of the world, floods and weather events in my part of the world, or the plague engulfing everything before it that’s stressing me out.

Nope.

It’s garden stuff that needs doing. Trees trimmed, weeds killed, bamboo removed. Things I could do if I was motivated enough to deal with them.

And then there’s the handle on my laundry door that gets stuck and requires me to use a knife to lever it open. In fact I have a list of things needing doing for the handyman.

I did – at least – back in February contact an electrician to look at my non-working solar hot water and ceiling fans. They fixed the latter, but the former needs replacing. Apparently. Alas, since they were here my bedroom airconditioner has stopped working so I need to get them back out.

My house is disgusting. I mean, not hoarder TV show scary, just needs a good clean. I seriously don’t understand how I can  lose so much bloody hair and still have some on my head?! And where, where does this dust and crap come from?

I’m behind in my reading and book reviewing and struggling with the motivation to do either.

And I need to chase up my mother’s broadband installation which will only take a call or two and some patience.

Not to mention some fucks. And it’s so easy not to give any. Although in saying that it’s probably pretty obvious that I give too many.

spiralling

I used to be laid-back. I mean, angsty about minor stuff, but not as easily discombobulated as I am now.

I thought I’d become more zen as I got older. Perhaps it’s not an ageing thing. For a while I thought it was an ‘identity’ thing. A lack of purpose. I’ve talked here about how much of my sense of self was wrapped up in my work and what I did and the years of unemployment post seachange completely eroded that. I no longer knew who I was. I wasn’t needed. I served no purpose. But I’m working again now, so shouldn’t I be feeling more… useful?

I wonder if what I’m going through is normal. Amplified of course because I ALWAYS HAVE BIG FEELINGS and overthink everything. (Worry I worry too much about my worries. Etcetera.) Perhaps the past few years have been my mid-life crisis and it’s not just a cliche but a real thing?

10 Comments
  • Larraine
    March 9, 2022

    OMG, I could have written that about how I feel (it wouldn’t have been so well written though ) I don’t know what to suggest, I’m terribly sorry you are feeling this way. ☹️ My thought are with you.

    • Debbish
      March 9, 2022

      Thanks for your comment Larraine. I was actually going to go in and delete the post as it felt like too much of a rant. It started from a ‘to-do’ list that then almost became an Instagram post and it kept going so I put it here.

      Anyway, I worried about it after posting and would have deleted it but for your comment, so thanks for that. x

  • Larraine
    March 9, 2022

    It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this and I think other readers would think this too. I hope you are feeling better soon.

  • Vanessa
    March 9, 2022

    Relatable. Very.

    • Debbish
      March 9, 2022

      I tend to sometimes worry it’s just me – feeling so overwhelmed – as if I’m not achieving / doing what non-apathetic people do, but perhaps my expectations of others are too high/unrealistic.

  • Debbie
    March 9, 2022

    Hi Deb, you are not alone (if that helps at all), but you probably don’t want to hear that! I’ve written about similar things in my last two posts and that feeling of overwhelm plus all the uncertainty. I’ve also read others who have been saying similar things so I can’t help you at all except to say hang in there!

    • Debbish
      March 9, 2022

      I’ve not been doing any blog reading at all Deb, but will go and check them out. Perhaps it is normal and some of us just talk about it more. It’s hard though of course to share how we are feeling (which can be of comfort to others to know they’re not alone / weird / a drama queen) but not wallow too much and I worry I do too much of the wallowing. Perhaps the venting part is okay. This started as a feeling of overwhelm as I came in from my exercise class during which I’d overheated (very humid at the moment and non-aircon community hall). I’d gotten stuck at brand new traffic work, then pulled up in my garage and spied the bamboo. I actually got advice from my brother a few weeks ago about a chainsaw thingy to get from Bunnings so I could trim it but of course I’ve not done that yet. So, immediately I was wallowing in guilt that I’ve been slack and don’t go into town and follow up on stuff. Like the broken door handle that’s been broken for ages but now not working.

      It doesn’t take much – just a few ‘undone’ things and then it feels like the rest is too much and that’s when I start getting annoyed at the person I’ve become… (and the list keeps growing – underperforming at work, lazy with my writing, not enough exercise, not enough socialising etc).

  • Lydia C Lee
    March 9, 2022

    I think there’s a lot of uncertainty and chaos in Australia at the moment and most people are worn out. The woke/privilege comment I hope is just something coming from your nasty voice in your head not something someone said to you. Yes you may be more fortunate than some, but you still also feel your pain. There will always be someone worse off than you but it doesn’t mean you don’t need help if you are feeling bad.

    • Debbish
      March 10, 2022

      True re the uncertainty. I often feel unimpacted but tend to doom-scroll on my phone and absorb way too much news on social media (though avoid it elsewhere).

  • Denyse Whelan Blogs
    March 19, 2022

    I’ve just come to read now, sorry Deb. I hear you on so many levels. The angst and uncertainty as we enter the third year with covid hanging around is really feeling pretty darned ordinary. Things I am doing to so call keep me going one foot in front of the other are sort of working. I am 72, other medical things are popping up…just as I am getting over cancer, and my GP very abruptly told me “its about ageing”…so, you are not alone. Things around us all are not great. I do not watch anything to do with OS and the war etc. I can only handle so much and the flooding and rains recently were also something I had to stop. I hope you have had a good change of scene and pace with your trip to WA. Pics you shared looked good.

I'd love to hear your thoughts