I asked a question on Twitter a little while ago. It (both) was and wasn’t meant to be rhetorical as many of the thoughts I put into the ether are. Sometimes you get responses. Helpful suggestions that may or may not work for you. Or comments from those who feel the same and have no answers. Or there’s the proverbial deafening silence.
I crawled out of bed (for the second time today, with diet coke in hand this time) and decided to write about this but it encompasses soooo many things I’ve talked about ad-nauseam I don’t know where to start. Not to mention the fear of being judged or pitied.
I’m struggling with motivation. To do anything. A short story competition I was going to enter closes in a week and my draft is open in a tab on my computer. I’ve decided to enter this competition for at least 4-5 years but am yet to do so. Or enter ANY competition. Let alone pitch any writing to websites or articles. Despite saying that’s my dream work/job.
It’s easy to say I’m afraid of rejection, of trying and failing. Perhaps even of succeeding and having to then repeat those efforts. But I really keep coming back to the fact that I can’t be arsed.
I had some surgery a month ago. When I got out of hospital it was glorious. I was recovering so could wallow in bed morning and afternoon. I needed the rest time and spent much of the day sleeping.
In reality I want to do that all of the time. And yet, while lying there – unable to sleep, with many thoughts buzzing through my mind – I feel deeply depressed. Annoyed with myself that I’m not doing the many things on my to-do list. Or even my ‘want-to-do’ list.
When it comes to self-motivation my therapist tells me I should be pursuing things I’m passionate about. Things that bring me joy. In sessions with her I agree I’ll do more writing. I really do have some great ideas with potential. But the reality is, I can’t bring myself to do any of those things. And joy? I vaguely remember her.
I read the online articles and advice:
Set small and manageable goals. Get outside and go for a walk. Be one with nature. Get dressed. Be grateful and count your blessings.
And yet… I get up. Spend a bit of time at my desk doing stuff. And then go and lie on my bed. I stay there for a few hours and then…. rinse, repeat.
I tell myself it’s depression or just a phase I’m going through. I keep thinking things will change and I’ll suddenly become more hopeful and motivated to do the things I want to do. (Which includes everything from writing, exercising to being more sociable.) And yet the days, weeks and months pass.
The obvious answer is that the things I often write about here – namely issues around identity and sense of self-worth relating to my work and employability having slowly degraded over the nine years since I made my seachange – being the thing that’s dragging me down. And certainly my therapist and I talk a lot self-worth and how I’m perceived by others. You know… the usual stuff for someone who first developed an eating disorder in the mid 1980s.
I know I just need to do SOMETHING. To get started. But the overwhelm feels…. well, overwhelming.
My Twitter question came after a few weeks of a temp job and what intrigues me the most is that when I’m employed or if I’ve got contracted work to do I’m extremely diligent. I mean, I’ll probably whinge about it because that’s who I am, but I meet deadlines. I don’t like to let anyone down. Except myself of course.
August 25, 2021
Firstly, I’m sorry to hear that things are feeling so blah for you. It’s crap being a dark headspace where you CBF doing anything. Things I’ve learnt professionally and personally – motivation is overrated. I remember years ago when I did 12WBT for the first to try and get healthy again after my mum had to undergo an emergency bypass surgery. One of the things Michelle Bridges said which stayed with me was JFDI {just fucking do it}. And that’s what helped me stick to an exercise routine. I was rarely ever ‘motivated’ at the start to do it but I set an alarm, kept an accountability partner and did it. Some days were harder than others but a habit formed. When I got depressed a few years ago, my habits were the first thing to give way. But it was by slowly rebuilding habits, I got better. And of course, practising gratitude, doing the little things, and getting therapy. I tell clients too it’s about knowing what works for you and still, it’s building things bit by bit.
Motivation is overrated. If we had to always be motivated to do things, we wouldn’t get a lot done. I’d recommend building routines and habits and maybe having an accountability partner for things you really want to get done (e.g. writing). I think Allison Tait says that too a whole bunch of times about her writing on the AWC podcast. Accountability works well for me to start a new habit because yes, it’s harder to let someone else down. Once you achieve a little, you will feel good about yourself, have more energy, be more motivated and are more likely then, to do more things. Bit by bit, it all adds up. That said, there will be down days and on those days, it’s important to be compassionate and forgive yourself rather than beating yourself up and thinking it’s the end of the world and there’s no point in trying anymore. Always happy to chat and send resources your way if you’re keen to read more.
August 26, 2021
Oh yes… 12WBT and JFDI… that takes me back (well, to 2011 and 2012!).
I seem to be struggling with routines at the moment. It feels like so much is ‘up in the air’ and that’s not even Covid related. I feel like I’m in some holding pattern, waiting…. but for what I don’t know.
August 25, 2021
Thanks for your honesty here Deb and I refuse to tell you to go for a walk or show any pity as you don’t need that!
I love Sanch’s reply, it says it all really well (in my honest opinion). I know I’m so out of routine and so easily distracted, it’s not funny, but having started an exercise class (online) recently has given me some of that accountability and not wanting to let my friends down. I know that being retired and in lockdown I should be able to get so much done but at times I can’t be bothered and so I don’t.
Can I just say I always enjoy your writing and your reviews and you shine a light for me when I read something that you’ve taken the time to share.
August 26, 2021
Thanks for your regular encouragement re the book reviews Deb as it does give me some sense of satisfaction to know they are of use.
I feel like I’m in some holding pattern at the moment and I think a lot of it has to do with the work / how-I-earn-money type thing. Every time I think I’ve made a decision, something happens to make me less certain.
August 25, 2021
I can relate so much to what you write about in this post. Especially what you say about employability – I feel exactly the same because I’m 40+, not expert at anything (except in a field I don’t want to work in) and have quite some requirements on my working conditions, I definitely do NOT want a “fast paced environment” as all companies seem to brag about these days, which makes me have to exclude most work opportunities. Now I’m working on a graphic design business idea so we’ll see what happens with that.
Depression is very real, have you talked to your therapist about this? But sometimes temporary episodes of low mood/lack of motivation/inspiration etc can be equally debilitating.
I believe motivation is very overrated, you can never count on it, it isn’t there when you need it. Forget the thought of motivation as a driver and instead make routines to get things done. And not only chores or work, put feel-good things into your routine too. Write something every day, it doesn’t have to be long and brilliant.
I suffered from burnout before moving to Ireland and then realised that if I didn’t make self-care and feel-good activities a part of my daily schedule, I wouldn’t do it because I wouldn’t think I “had the time”. I’ve been very bad at following my own schedules and to-do lists but this summer I’ve been so miserable that I had to do something about it so I’ve dropped a lot of unnecessary things I used to do or things/thoughts I used to dwell on, and to focus on a few things only. I always take some time during the day to practise guitar.
I’m so sorry you feel this way and I hope you find a way to get out of it.
August 26, 2021
Hi Susanne and weirdly it’s not something I’ve talked about on my website (though is probably obvious) I do suffer from depression – major depression my doctor says as she requests double doses of medication when I see her. It’s usually manageable but I wrote a little while ago about the fact that constant disappointments can really mess with our resilience and I think that’s where I am about life in general. And it certainly sounds like you understand that – particularly from a ‘work’ point of view. I realise it means my life (before now) has been far too defined by what I do…. rather than who I am.
And that’s part of the problem I think. I wonder if I’m struggling with motivation to do certain things because I don’t actually want to do them. Write the short story. Enter a competition. Pitch articles to paying websites etc… Perhaps it’s not that I’m apathetic, but that I’m just not that interested?!
August 26, 2021
Something that stands out to me in this post Deb is that you might be an Obliger like me. In The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin, an Obliger (I’m one too) is able to do things for others, but not themselves. If I know someone is waiting on me for something (work, other commitments etc.) I always choose to do those things first. Perhaps if this is you too, you need to find ways to keep yourself accountable on the things that are just for you. That book changed how I see myself and others and there’s a free (and short) quiz to find out your type. Then you’ll know how to go about motivating yourself.
August 26, 2021
Oh yes Tracey I am an obliger. I haven’t read her book(s) but used to follow her on social media as I liked her abstainer / moderator discussions as well.
August 26, 2021
Firstly, love the meme!
Seems to me, you’re saying the things you think your therapist wants to hear. That will only be unhelpful & frustrating to you both. (Said with love). Being upfront & honest with yourself & her will be the only way to make some real shifts
As the others have said, building in helpful routines. Doesn’t have to be big stuff. For my own health, I’ve found morning yoga stretches helps my physical stuff, and having morning coffee/breakfast by my pond helps on an emotional level. It’s finding what works for you.
August 26, 2021
Yes, very much struggling with routines at the moment.
August 30, 2021
On that meme level, I swear I’m going to throw something if I hear a specific someone talk about yoga again.
On a writing-ey level – what helped me was realising that the systems of it all (pitch, get an agent, blah blah blah) made me not want to write. So I chose to self publish and it helped remove the weight of creating. You might be the same as me or 180 degrees different – but I do think that’s a variable that writers don’t talk about much but can’t not impact on how we see our work.
Things I’ve been reading from other people with chronic health stuff/disabilities are about unlearning capitalist expectations of “productivity” – I don’t know what it looks like for me or to what degree I agree with it or anything, but it’s something I try to keep in the back of my mind when I’m being mean to myself about getting things “done”.
August 31, 2021
Yes, there’s certainly some unlearning to do around expectations for me I think. And I agree re the yoga thing, but also re meditation.
August 30, 2021
I have to agree with what Sanch says – she knows what’s what!
My psychologist posted a great thing on the gram today and it’s about things that can be equally true – “you were sure and things changed,” and “you are resilient and need a break.”
I think you need to be kind to yourself because you’re going through a tough time now and it’s hard. I think if you really want to do something you’ll do it so maybe it’s like you said in reply to one of the other comments, maybe you’re just not that interested and that’s OK.
August 31, 2021
Thanks Sammie. I think that’s the challenge… knowing what’s apathy versus what I’m really not interested in doing.
August 30, 2021
Deb, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. You mention you have a therapist and it looks like you’ve read/ known a lot of the ‘how tos’. My thoughts are to identify what’s important/ compulsory to you and start building small habits from there. Everyone has a different list of what’s important to them, and it’s OK if your list is totally atypical and changes over time #lifethisweek
September 2, 2021
I think I’ve been struggling to identify what IS important to me Natalie. As if I don’t know my own mind or trust myself. I suspect that’s because I’m overthinking it all!
August 30, 2021
Those are great thoughts to hold as equal truths.
August 30, 2021
Oh Deb…. I’ve got nothing I’m afraid. I think you’re doing everything right – seeing a therapist, taking meds, acknowledging what’s going on, being honest, being authentic….. I just want to say that I’m sorry you’re feeling flat and miserable and out of sorts. So all I can do is send you a virtual hug and tell you to be kind to yourself – and hopefully things will brighten up for you in the not too distant future xxx
September 2, 2021
Thank you Leanne. Your virtual hug means a lot. xx
August 30, 2021
Hi Deb, you do what is right for you and I can honestly say I know how you feel. I’ve just pressed ‘pause’ on a few things in life because I’m feeling overwhelmed and it is bloody hard to keep being positive and upbeat when you just aren’t feeling it. Sending you love and hugs and you know you are surrounded by friends, especially in the blogging world who are here for you if you ever need a chat. xx #lifethisweek
September 2, 2021
You’re right Sue, it’s hard to be upbeat and peppy when you’re not feeling it and even though it’s often suggested you ‘fake it’ cos you’ll become happier as a result, it sometimes feels like we’re not being honest with ourselves as well as others. x
August 30, 2021
Hi Debish, I came to you by way of Denyse. I can thoroughly identify with your feelings. Losing mobility for a few weeks, was a game-changer for me and I talk about it a little on the post I’ve linked today. I noticed that you write and enter competitions. I have an ongoing event each month called Story Chat. I am currently lining up authors for next year (October -September. It doesn’t pay anything, but it’s a lot of fun. Here are the guidelines if you are interested. https://alwayswrite.blog/story-chat-2/ I hope your depression passes soon.
September 2, 2021
Will check out your post but also Story Chat as well Marsha.
September 3, 2021
Thanks Debbish. Where did you get your name?
September 3, 2021
My name is Deborah Marsha and when I was at uni (in the late 1980s) my friends and I had a habit of adding ‘ish’ to everything so I got called Debbish for a while!
September 3, 2021
It’s super cute.
August 31, 2021
I am normally one to bounce in with the pep talk but lockdown has sapped my motivation and my focus, and while not depressed, it’s something I’m watching as I’m directionless and stagnating. Sooooo, perhaps depression is a little like a mental lockdown?
When I crack it for me, I’ll come back and gee you up.
In the meantime, can you set one ‘must do’ each day – pref a must do in the sunshine with a friend? And some exercise? Those two things will build some sort of momentum at least (which is what the job did too – a place to be at a certain time)
Hang in there!
September 2, 2021
Of course everyone in lockdown has a very good reason to be struggling with motivation – life is so unpredictable and fraught for you all. I hope you feel better soon as well. x
September 2, 2021
I read every comment and response as well as the post. Of course, I did. I can only add “depression is real and it sure sounds like you have the bits of it that make it hard to DO or FEEL anything”. My 2c? Try ONE thing outside each day. Even if it is getting onto your balcony and looking at the view. I made myself do this in my worst years 2014-2017 and it helped. I now do it so I don’t go backwards. Love to you. Think of you often. Thanks for sharing the post for Life This Week. Loved reading yours. Next week’s optional prompt is Self Care Stories. Hope to see you there too. Denyse
September 3, 2021
Thanks Denyse. xx
September 3, 2021
Hi Deb, I’m really late reading this, as we’ve had no internet service for 8 days. I’m sure you’re very honest and vulnerable post would resonate with many. All that Sanch says has worked for me over the years, but I do get that what works for me may not work for you. All is I’d say is can you set yourself one very small thing to get done each day. Would that help. But most importantly do try to be kind to yourself. I’m really pleased I popped in today. Your posts always make me think.
September 4, 2021
Thanks Jen. And yes, I need to put together some teensy goals. Weirdly I’m actually working on some that are nothing to do with writing etc but some decluttering at home.