I was struggling a little on the weekend. There was nothing major, just a few things colliding Bermuda Triangle-style making me edgy and irritable. The ongoing unemployment thing is obviously ever-present… as it’s almost a year since I finished my contract. Interestingly a similar position has come up with the same government agency but my confidence isn’t quite what it was, and I continue to ponder on how I was perceived.
And of course the full-time job vs having to make money doing freelancing and contract work remains something I can’t get my head around and the notion of financial security and life balance continues to vary from day to day.
Anyway… my patience was kinda tested on Saturday with a longer-than-planned outing and by the end I was feeling anxious about work I had to finish at home. And of course I don’t do well with lengthy periods in shopping centres. (As in, I avoid shopping centres at all costs and when I do need to go I’m very targeted in my approach. In and out.)
I skipped yoga Sunday morning as I was feeling a bit sore and wanted to get some work done for someone I was meeting and by the time I got home later I was hungry so scoffed a heap of unhealthy food. I felt full and unwell after the first batch, but went back a couple of hours later and had more. And then more.
The guilt raged within me. My weekend wasn’t as productive as I’d hoped. I felt confused about the job stuff. I keep telling myself I’ll join a gym and start doing some proper exercise. (Or at least walk.) And then there’s the unhealthy eating habits.
Everything felt very hopeless. And I was tired of feeling helpless and unable to be more in control of myself and my life.
Although I’m having a social media break, I’m still checking Facebook (off and on) on my desktop computer and this appeared via A Life in Progress. I like a lot of the stuff Krista shares and this (from Whole Self Wellness) about self-care was perfectly timed.
It appeared as I berated myself for eating a bag of chips and later a heap of chocolate.
I reminded myself I hadn’t killed anyone. I hadn’t hurt anyone (though possibly myself). And in reality, the pressure I tend to put on myself only comes from me.
Can you relate?
Linking with Denyse Whelan whose (timely) theme today is self-care.
August 26, 2019
Can definitely relate. I’m always my own worst critic, always putting too much pressure on myself in every way. I need to take a step back often and cut myself some slack and realise I’m actually doing okay.
August 26, 2019
I was really wallowing in guilt when I saw this quote and it gave me some perspective. A jolt almost.
August 26, 2019
I love A Life In Progress and get their quotes in my FB feed too (along with stuff from several other Unbusy and Simple Living pages that I follow). It’s always good to be reminded that we’re our own worst critics and to give ourselves a break. I think the occasional food splurge can be forgiven – that being said, I try really hard to not have anything in my pantry to tempt me in my weak moments – but if I do then it’s probably because I needed it (nothing like a bit of comfort eating).
The whole work situation is another huge issue and knowing that you need to support yourself but not wanting to sell your soul to do so – that is a quandry and a half. The part of me that has put all that aside is so relieved to not be dealing with job hunting etc so you have my deepest sympathies. I still think something part-time and not as full on may be the answer for this stage of life for you – then you’d still have enough headspace to pursue the things that really interest you. Hang in there and it’s a new week ahead! xx
August 26, 2019
Oh yes, I keep flip-flopping around on the work thing. I think I just get excited about possibilities and then reality hits. There’s been very little (basically nothing) to apply for locally so this other thing has come up at a good time but I really really can’t get my hopes up about it as I might not have a chance.
August 26, 2019
I can understand, chips and chocolate are my comfort foods, too. Hugs
August 26, 2019
Thank you. I hate that I’ve got such a short memory and no willpower. After the chips I was full and uncomfortable and told myself I had to remember that feeling as I hated it. But nope, not long later I was at it again…
August 26, 2019
I can definitely relate. What a perfect thought to see at that exact time. I think we’re so tied up with perceptions and expectations it’s no wonder we’re hard on ourselves.
August 26, 2019
Yes and it does occur to me that wallowing and feeling worse probably pre-empted the continued eating. Whereas if I’d shrugged off the first unhealthy snack and forgotten about it I might not have felt the need to keep going down that spiral!
August 26, 2019
Hang in there, Deb! I can relate. Sometimes it is one foot in front of the other… and remembering to love and forgive ourselves as we do so.
SSG xxx
August 27, 2019
Ah yes, for me this came as a reminder to get some perspective! ‘Twas quite confronting at the time given where my mind was going.
August 28, 2019
Ah where is that crystal ball when we need it. I find it hard to live with uncertainty and I am getting loads of lessons in this thanks to cancer and wondering IF we will ever get a house of our own again. What I find helpful is to acknowledge these then reassure and get on with something else. I might go out, or do some art stuff or just change the inner conversation topic. It gets v v boring!! For me.
Thank you for linking up for Life This Week. Next week’s optional prompt is 35/51 Share Your Snaps #7 2/9/19 and I hope you will join in. Denyse.
August 29, 2019
Oh yes, I’m really tired of the conversation as well Denyse. Part of me wants to slap myself around the head and say “Just do SOMETHING already!”
I’m in a fairly fortunate position (though would prefer not to be) in that I don’t have kids / family… so basically my intent is to just spend what I have. Of course I can’t predict when ‘the end’ might come so… I wish I did have that crystal ball.