I’ve actually been feeling much better since my ‘a-ha’ moment a few weeks ago. I’ve felt a sense of relief. Or release.
I felt weird publishing that post. I was reminded of talking to my mother about quitting blogging and mentioning I’d need to announce it (on the blog) and she asked why write about it? Surely I’d just stop.
My mum is good like that. Down to earth. It can be confronting – the notion that no one will notice or care, or that lives will continue on despite the disappearance of Debbish.com – but, I know it’d happen.
Nevertheless, I wrote the post because I was trying to explain that I felt I’d been trying to live up to some expectations I had of myself that… well, were about some dream I no longer wanted to pursue. Perhaps I’d never wanted to pursue it but, all I knew at that point in time, was the pressure I was putting on myself to do ‘SOMETHING’ with my writing and blogging was sucking the life from me. My entire life was spent in some guilt-ridden angst, alternating between a dreamy wistfulness and gut-wrenching regret.
My current lack of employment didn’t help. My ‘default’ has been the concept of making a living from writing. Somehow. As a plan, it was actually really confronting as it meant I needed to work out how it would pay my mortgage or rates or electricity bills once my savings run out.
The realisation that I really didn’t want to spend my life pursuing ‘a book’ or similar has been freeing. I’ve not had to spend all day at my desk trying to force words to come or work out what I want to write. I mean, I’m mostly bored shitless quite frankly because (weirdly) I still won’t let myself read or watch TV during the day when I ‘should’ be working, but whatevs.
Boredom (to an extent) is better than gnawing guilt.
Instead I’ve focussed my attention on applying for what few jobs there are. #Spoileralert: There aren’t many. Just a couple in these last few weeks, both closing this week: one at a similar level to my last position (manager level); and one an entry-level position.
Interestingly the lower-level position was the more challenging application. I’ve talked before (years ago) about the challenges of applying for job when it’s assumed you’ll be overqualified.
Interestingly my recent navel gazing has helped clear something else up in my thorny mind… that (at the moment) financial security IS more important than freedom and creativity. The idea of earning a good wage and working full-time isn’t as unpalatable as I thought it might be.
I think what I’m realising is that I’m willing to sacrifice those things if I get (at least) some enjoyment from my job and a vague sense of being appreciated. I’ve made the mistake in the past (well, for about 20yrs) of letting my career define me with almost nothing outside of it, but that’s changed. These past 6-7 yrs of intermittent employment have given me the chance to see both sides of my perennial financial security vs freedom values dilemma.
Of course I may be deemed unemployable and I’ll be broke and crying over my keyboard in a few months, but at the moment there’s a sense of relief or release. A sense of hope. And that’s not a feeling I’m altogether familiar with.
Linking up with the ‘lovin life gang again.
*Both pictures from Instagram. First from No Sidebar; the second a repost via @sissybearla
May 2, 2019
The thing that I’ve found is that if I feel financially insecure, I can’t be creative anyway. I don’t create well from a place of scarcity.
So while I still have plans and books and business stuff… I’ve never wanted it to be my full time thing. Super uncool in the internet world where somehow only full time is legit but I won’t go off on rant about that full time= only way to be legit BS right now haha.
I’m glad you’ve found what you want and need in goals. That’s important. And it sounds like a weight off.
May 2, 2019
Yes, I think worry about money and bills etc means it’s hard to focus on other stuff as it continues to lurk in the back of your mind.
I just worry I get my hopes up when it appears something has come along but I’ll crash back to earth when it doesn’t happen.
May 2, 2019
It’s all practice at breaking habits though – making sure you do a good job in your next job but define yourself less by it, that kind of thing.
May 3, 2019
Right and I think slowly I’m getting there in that respect. I’d always fantasised about not-working / being a lady of leisure etc but I think it’s one thing if you’re retired and have enough $ to do stuff and are ‘allowed’ to skive off all day but another when you feel you SHOULD be working / earning money. (And have bills to pay and no other income!)
May 2, 2019
Hi Deb – as another “gainfully unemployed” person, I totally get a lot of what you’re saying. The blessing for me is that I’m debt free, so the pressure to find another job isn’t hanging over my head. If it’s any consolation, the job market here in WA is pretty thin on the ground too – I haven’t seen a job to even apply for since I left work nearly 2 months ago. I’m using this time to decide what I want to do next and work is looking less appealing by the moment.
My brother (who is unemployed and too unwell to probably ever work again) has just decided to sell his house, pay out the mortgage and find a little place out in the back blocks of nowhere that costs next to nothing and gets rid of the mortgage payment pressure. He plans on living a quiet life and not stressing over money and bills – I figure if he can manage that on the dole, then maybe all this business we create in our heads about finances is a self-inflicted problem?
Good luck with the job hunting and I hope you find your sweet spot soon x
May 3, 2019
When I first moved up here I’d downsized and didn’t have a mortgage but struggled with the lack of privacy in my lovely apartment across from the beach. So, I upgraded again and have a mortgage! (Mind you it’s about the same as my exorbitant old body corporate charges!)
But I have to admit Leanne I’ve increasingly thought about ‘the rest of my life’ in that, most people aim to leave something for their kids or want to help them out. My niece won’t need anything from me in that respect so really I don’t necessarily need to have anything at the end of my life. I know that it’s impossible to know when that might be but that realisation is kinda confronting – the fact I ‘can’ spend everything I have. I guess that’s the point of having worked for the first 20-30 years of it.
May 2, 2019
As you know, I’m not gainfully employed either and haven’t been for some time, apart from the odd earnings here and there. I’m not sure what I want to do. I don’t want to go back to the life I lived before. Apart from not wanting the stresses that go with it, I wouldn’t cope with the commuting and the long hours anymore. I want to be able to work from home, work my own hours, and be creative. I do feel guilt that I don’t earn the money I used to but I also am proud that my salary put our kids through school and contributed to paying out the bulk of our mortgage so I try to instead be grateful that I now have the ability to dabble and ponder what I want to be when I grow up! I feel for you that you don’t have this same luxury, however you should be so proud of the gorgeous home you’ve made for yourself. Good luck with the job hunting. I hope you find something that you’ll really enjoy and that still leaves you with the energy for your writing. xo #TeamLovinLife
May 3, 2019
Yes, a friend and I have had that discussion a bit. She’s been unemployed off and on for a couple of years, but her partner’s continued to work so bills can get paid. She feels bad about not contributing when she’s not working but it takes the pressure off a little.
For me the length of time I’ve found myself unemployed is probably a bit confronting. In a bigger city I’d look at temp opportunities and the like but they’re a rarity here. I think if I could work a few months and put money aside so I knew I was fine for a few months of doing nothing it’d be okay. Luckily towards the end of my one-year gig I prepaid about 6mths of bills (as well as my Italian trip) IN CASE my unemployment went on (which it has).
Similarly in the 5wk temp role I was able to squirrel away a bit and pay some bills… so the fact it’s been 6-7mths since my job finished hasn’t been as dire as it could have been.
May 2, 2019
I can relate to parts of this! I also don’t allow myself to read or watch TV during ‘working hours’ even though I’m not getting paid to write blog posts and post on IG (except for the very occasional ad). It’s so weird how we put pressure on ourselves. I’m glad you now have a sense of relief.
Di from Max The Unicorn
May 3, 2019
I know. I don’t earn any money from my blogging (although I do get a bit of money – about $10-20/mth) from affiliate sales on Booktopia if people buy books via my links, but it ‘feels’ like a job much of the time. For a long time I wanted to try to make money from my blog but I’ve realised I like this being ‘my’ space. I’d love to write elsewhere (other websites / magazines etc) and get paid but it’s nice I get to be ‘me’ here.
And yes, it’s weird re the TV / reading during the day thing. When I permanently worked full-time (pre-seachange) I’d often binge watch DVDs (rentals, back in the day) on weekend days /public holidays but when I stopped working full time my rule was no daytime TV / reading. (That can wait until retirement when I’m allowed to sit back and live a life of leisure!)
May 2, 2019
This post makes me sigh with relief for you. Only you could decide about all this.,..and you have. It’s applause worthy too now I reckon. I have had the biggest transition time of ‘who the heck am I without a title related to work’ and I still do in some ways but now I use the words “retired educator” and that works. Whatever happens next really does not matter much because you have broken the back of that thought pattern that kept you chained to where you now find you really did not want to be! Hooray! Denyse
PS my husband enjoys my AH ha moments as I have had quite a few and he thinks (I imagine) “about bloody time”.
May 3, 2019
I think I’ve been struggling with the idea of a job vs a career. A friend of mine was recently applying for jobs and looking at a new field. She started talking about the direction her career might take. She’s my age, 51 and all I could think was…. that I felt I was on that downhill trek. I realised I was no longer ambitious in that sense and that work was no longer the focus of my life. I felt bad about that, as if it was wrong – that I SHOULD be more ambitious, that it was a cop-out on my behalf and I was ‘giving up’. I think as a female there’s been this expectation for me that I continue to pursue a career (given I don’t have kids / family) without other distractions so I feel I’m letting the team down by saying, “I’m 51 and I’m ready to quit.”
May 3, 2019
I’m glad you found clarity and relief. No point of pressuring yourself to write if it doesn’t bring you joy. I hope you find some work that you like. It’s hard to be creative when our basic needs like food and shelter are not fully met. #lovin’lifelinky
May 3, 2019
Yes very true Natalie. I think while I’m struggling with guilt and frustration and uncertainty I can’t be creative in other ways. I’m stuck in this place (hence the posts about it all I guess – I’m channelling my creativity into pondering too much about it!)
May 3, 2019
I’ve dropped my blogging right back to about once a week … and you’re right, nobody notices (except my daughter!). Just too darn busy with PAID work which is nice!
May 3, 2019
I’ve been having a chat on a Book Blogging FB page about the fact my stats have dropped dramatically on the blog. It doesn’t really correlate with me writing less as when I first cut back (18mths ago when I started full time work) I still got the same number of hits / people looking for book reviews, but the last 6mths have seen a significant drop and when I see the tiny numbers some days I wonder why I bother.
But yay, re all of the paid work Janet – that’s wonderful!
May 4, 2019
I hear you – I think I need to be employed to still be able to be creative but sometimes I wish it wasn’t as emotionally draining. I think my ideal is working about 3 to 4 days a week for hopefully a similar pay {yeah, I’m dreaming!} but at least feeling like I’m valued and contributing while I write on the side. I don’t think I could just write because the work I do does add meaning to my life. I just need to figure out a good place to do it.
Also, I think like you, it’s hard when you can’t depend on another income to pay bills etc. It’s almost like you have no choice.
May 5, 2019
I know what you mean about balance Sanch. I’ve found it almost impossible to date. Sometimes even if my work isn’t time consuming it’s mentally draining enough that I don’t have the headspace to do creative stuff on my time off. I just want to bury myself in solitude and nothingness.
And yes, the lack of choice is something I’m becoming increasingly confronted with.