I was about to announce that this is the final instalment in what has become a four-piece series about my move to the seaside, but I suspect there will be more to come so have given my Sea Change its own tab on this blog. (It was either that or create ANOTHER blog and I struggle with the two I have already!!!)
The first post in this series (which was unplanned) – in Diet Schmiet – started me thinking about my move to the Emerald City (Hervey Bay, for those who care) and the fact that I’m off in search of something that I will most likely find I have had all along.
In the second post – here in Debbish – I started getting excited about my move… seeing it as a chance to reinvent myself. I started with the practicalities and the important stuff, like changing the colour schemes of my new apartment and world.
In Diet Schmiet – I then started thinking about my continuing weight loss and healthy living challenge. Again, I focussed on the small things and commenced planning for some structure in my day.
Finally I need to think about what this move is all about.
I had a Skype session with US blogger and self-acceptance guru, Karen CL Anderson earlier today and we talked about my plans. I shared with her my fears: that I am doing something irresponsible and will fail – or at least not achieve success. Naturally I am the only one imposing such stringent standards, no one else is waving a yardstick around, ready to whack me over the head if I don’t achieve…. whatever I think I should be achieving.
I talked about the fact that I plan to have some time (months?) off before thinking about earning money to pay the bills and even then, whatever I do being about that rather than sating my ambitious nature.
But… this is where I start to struggle. The sense that I need to be more ‘responsible’ kicks in… and my plans for leisurely days of writing and ‘lunching’ out start to scare me.
Karen challenged me to think about the decision I’ve made and the options I had.
“I could have just gotten another job,” I said. “Stayed in my place, put my redundancy money on my mortgage and kept working.”
She asked me to describe how that option would feel to me versus the choice I made.
Although I suffer from an annoying mind/body disconnect, I was able to describe to her the physical reaction I had just a few days ago on seeing people heading off to work for the day. Simultaneously I was reminded of what it was like to be rushing to the train to commute into work for the day. (Despite enjoying my recent workplace and through no fault of my employers, I did nevertheless, feel creatively stifled and unfulfilled-in-general on a daily basis!)
Watching the worker bees rush about was, on one level achingly familiar, but on another felt completely foreign and almost made me feel ill.
And it’s only been a month since I finished work.
Then she asked me to talk about the life I have planned. I talked about my morning walk, time spent reading blogs and responding to emails. Losing hours and hours when time melts away as I write and blog.
Because she was sitting watching me from the other side of the world I didn’t hesitate to believe her when she told me that my entire demeanour changed when I spoke about the life I’d chosen. I lit up, she said.
Following my heart still seems frivolous.
But… I have some plans and when I told Karen about these she was amazingly reassuring and impressed that I’d started plotting and thinking about the opportunities which may present themselves. It was a good thing, she said.
I am building my aeroplane while I’m learning to fly, she said.
In keeping with my recent Wizard of Oz thing…. I’m thinking: I’m paving my Yellow Brick Road as I’m dancing along it!
Either way, I’m aiming to become someone who ‘goes with the flow’. I believe in destiny or fate and that’s a good thing because I need to be less of a control freak. But… I realise that I can help fate along in some instances. I can be in the right place at the right time.
I can create my own opportunities and that is what I’m planning to do.
What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? Or be judged?