My biggest roadblock

Monday, April 18, 2016 Permalink

Kirsty’s prompt for this week’s confessional asks us to share our biggest roadblock.

I had a post all planned – about my writing – and the fact that I don’t even try. I blithered about my fear of failure and my apathy but… the post wallowed in my drafts folder and I didn’t get it finished before heading off on a long long work trip yesterday.

It gave me time to think however… and I realised, if I’m really being honest, my biggest roadblock – when it comes to life in general – is my weight.

Nothing’s changed since I last talked about it here. My BMI (at 45.8) is still ridiculously over what it should be.

I keep seeing this quote:

own bullshit

And I feel like I’m ready for change. I feel desperate for change. I cannot keep going as I am now – unhappy at how I look, my level of fitness, my health and ‘me’ in general.

I prevaricate over my options (as long-time Diet Schmiet readers would know I’ve tried anything and everything, including NOT dieting) and yet I do nothing.

But in writing this post, I’m pondering…

Is my excess weight my roadblock; or is it the fact  I can’t lose it? Or is it my attitude to my body and my weight? Or is it (h) All of the above? And #inrelatednews I’m kinda over it all and tired of thinking about it. 

I’m making an attempt to get my blogging mojo back by posting EVERY day in April. #holdme

I’m going to be using prompts from a few different challenges underway. Today I’m linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess’! And yes… I know I’m a day late so I’m also linking up with Jess for IBOT

Free image (with my text) via handsandhustle.com.

42 Comments
  • Book Birdy
    April 19, 2016

    Hey Deb. So impressed with your blog-a-day for April. That’s a huge commitment – and you’re producing some great posts. As for this particular one, I guess I question the premise – that is – we talk about roadblocks – but roadblocks to what? To happiness? Contentment? I do question the value of seeing happiness/contentment/satisfaction as ‘endpoints’ or destinations. Fact is, our emotional state is like the tide – in a constant state of ebb and flow. So, I guess question statements that begin with ‘I’ll be happy when I (insert goal here)…’ Of course it doesn’t hurt to get healthy. Eating well, exercising etc – all good things to do – but not necessarily with the sole aim of losing weight. I have friends who are super fit and healthy – and they are larger women, and very attractive ones too! I hope this isn’t too ranty. You and your writing are fabulous… That’s the bottom line. Cassie

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      I think the title was flexible. My initial idea was about writing – roadblocks to successfully pitching to editors and that sort of thing. I ended up with something more generic about happiness and contentment. Though the weight thing impacts on a lot of things because it influences how I feel about myself… something I take with me into other situations etc.. (Makes me more self-conscious in general – in situations where my weight / looks shouldn’t come into it at all!)

  • Jo
    April 19, 2016

    I adore this quote by Liz Gilbert- & it’s one that resonates a lot with me too. We have some mega changes underway at the moment- hubby is leaving his employer of 36 years for 7mths of long service leave easing into early retirement. I’m also contemplating leaving my job…again…to concentrate on writing…again. But…there’s the question…I got almost there last time, & I’m almost there again. What’s holding me back? My bullshit.

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      I think it’s exciting you’re on the brink of change Jo! One of the reasons I’m avoiding pursuing a house here that I really love is that it’d require too big a mortgage which would lock me into needing to earn a vaguely decent salary (even at the part-time rate) for a while and I’m not sure I want that. I think I’ve gotten better at moving on in other areas of my life, but my bloody weight remains a hurdle!

  • Amy Andrews
    April 19, 2016

    I’m exactly like you, Deb – so over it, tired of thinking about it.
    Sorry no grand flashes of inspiration from me. Just commiserations.

  • Emily M Morgan (@EmilyMMorganMe)
    April 19, 2016

    Great questions. I ponder them myself sometimes. But I have analysed it down to: 1) I dislike what I look like currently. 2) I love food and hate being hungry. 3) I eat healthily so am hopefully not too physically unhealthy 4) I am not fit and need to get that way because my back has been giving me grief lately. Conclusion: do more exercise and focus on feeling fit and healthy. Weight loss may well come but I’m not going to obsess about it as long as I feel presentable.

    Best of luck with your own dilemmas and difficulties! And for your blog-a-day challenge! Found you on #IBOT 🙂

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      Ah yes, I’d much prefer my focus be on my health and fitness rather than my weight, but I keep coming back to those bloody numbers!

  • Lisa
    April 19, 2016

    Hmm I am not sure what your specific roadbock would be but I think mindset maybe? I have always hated exercise, the only reason I would go was for the social interaction. I have started PT training with a friend who trains me (who I pay & can’t let down) and I book her in like a set appointment each week. It is the only thing that has worked for me longterm. I just don’t have the self-discipline to self exercise hehe. Good on you for making the change

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      I’ve enjoyed exercise in the past but have had to make it part of my day and have it become a habit. And I find it harder when I’m feeling pretty crappy with myself!

  • Kanga Rue
    April 19, 2016

    I love the quote!

    Don’t know if I’ve mentioned I got a Fitbit, but I’m slightly addicted to it. Mainly the challenge against myself, but also some fun challenges with supportive friends.

    I’m not looking at it as a weight loss thing, but as an increase in activity. Which may have a similar end result.

    I don’t know if it would be a help or a hindrance to you, but something to consider. You know you’d have a supportive friend here.

    Rx

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      Thank you… I think the food and exercise things will go hand in hand for me… It’s just the getting started!

  • Jodi Gibson
    April 19, 2016

    Thats a great quote isnt it? I wish I had some life changing advice for you Deb, but instead know that you at least have my thoughts and support.

  • Jess
    April 19, 2016

    You are an incredibly capable woman and I hope you figure out a way to achieve your goals! I know it is a really complicated thing so I am not underestimating how hard it is, just confident that you can ultimately do it!

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      Thanks Jess. Your encouragement is very much appreciated!

  • Denyse
    April 19, 2016

    Hi Deb, you are the only one who can tell your story & when you are sick of telling it I think that’s when you’ll change.. Your mindset and your view!

    How do I know this?

    Because of my experience of relating my same old story to another person (yet again) why I remain stuck & struck by fear & anxiety in moving forward & embracing this “newly retired” life I thought I’d love.

    Yesterday I got heartily sick of listening to myself Explain stuff about “why” I’ve been anxious & had IBS & in that moment I knew I had to “stop the bullshit” & do the HARD work of making the best of the change I have chosen for myself.

    Word of caution: make sure you are selling/buying house for reasons not related to “distracting yourself from what you know you want to do”‘ PS not a psychologist but as a friend who’s a wee bit older

    Denyse

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      I think the house selling is something I’d do either way Denyse as the situation is pretty much untenable and kinda doing the opposite of influencing other areas of my life.

      But yes… I know I need to stop talking about the weight stuff and just bloody do something about it…

  • charliegirlteachergirl
    April 20, 2016

    I find myself wondering the same things. I am with the man who I was with before when I was at my lowest weight. We are both different people now, but it’s a noticeable change. I don’t eat horrible and I stay away from sweets for the most part. And yet, the tummy and thunder thighs hand around. I also have had a more negative attitude about my body and weight most of my life, although I do know I need to lose it to be healthier. I was also very happy at my lowest weight. I felt like an unmentioned burden had been lifted. I hope we can both find the right things for us – and the right frames of mind!

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      Oh absolutely and it sounds like you’re at the point of change (as per the Gilbert quote) as well!

  • Mystery Case
    April 20, 2016

    Is there a medical or physical reason you can’t lose weight? For me it’s the thyroid and the meds that go with my auto-immune disease that mean weight loss is near impossible and I’ve stacked on the weight this past 18 months. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror and no matter what I attempt nothing fixes it. So I suppose I can only fix how the weight makes me feel. Easier said than done because I feel even unhealthier at this weight and size. I’m also not keen to spend a fortune on clothing the next size up when I have a perfectly good, hardly worn designer wardrobe the next size down.

    Would joining weight watchers or another support type group or even finding a weight loss buddy help or hinder? What do you honestly think is holding you back? Why did you put the weight on in the first place? No need to answer these, just something to think about. Perhaps starting with your GP and getting a plan of attack in place with lots of support might be a good place to start.

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      Yes, I’ve got a few auto-immune diseases as well – hypothyroidism, coeliac and this other stomach thing… but mostly I’m just overweight cos I eat too much crap and don’t exercise enough. Alas.

      I’ve done weight watchers a few times in the past (most recently last year I think) and a few other programs. I kinda know the answers but just struggle. My GP doesn’t give me too hard a time which is a relief and I guess she knows about the anorexic and bulimic history so suggests small changes – which make sense.

      I just can’t understand how I can be so unhappy with myself and yet still do nothing about it!!! Argh!

  • Stormi D Johnson
    April 20, 2016

    I know I blame my weight on a lot of things, for being shy and not putting myself out there, for not trying for that dream job, for hiding away in my home and not being social. It’s the reason I am trying so hard to lose weight and even though I have lost about 20 pounds I don’t see any difference, but I keep going in hopes that one day I will look at myself and say, damn, girl you got skinny. 🙂

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      Great work on the weight loss Stormi if that’s what you’re wanting. I know I’m so overweight now I need to lose 30lbs or so before it’s noticeable. Last year I lost 12kg (27lb) on WW and no one noticed. And then I gained 20kg.

      But yes, I blame everything on my weight – but mostly the fact I’m single and have no family etc… And also the things I don’t try cos I feel self-conscious and struggle with confidence. I can ‘play’ confident but don’t really feel it!

  • Kooky chic
    April 20, 2016

    It’s baby steps with exercise. Just go for a walk around the block or for 10 mins then just build up from there. I know of a few very overweight women who started running to the first driveway one day, the second the next etc etc. You just have to start. Baby steps that’s all it is. And don’t get caught up in the whole outfit thing, it’s a farce. You’re out there to get sweaty not look fabulous. You can do it, anyone can.

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      Nah…. even when I used to go to gym classes every day (before my seachange) I was more of a big tshirt and leggings kinda person.

      And yes, small steps. I’m carrying so much weight at the moment I get shin splints from just a few minutes of walking. But that doesn’t mean I can’t do water aerobics etc…

  • Johanna
    April 20, 2016

    Oh, I feel for you. We all have roadblocks and we just have to dissemble them brick by brick or sign by sign. Mine is generally a feeling of inadequacy which I constantly work on telling myself I’m okay, doing okay, and just try to keep on top of things. For weight and general health my absolute biggest awakening was to start doing something I enjoy, not because I have to. I found a route by the river, with lovely views, where the trees and flora change colour each season, which takes me 40 minutes. I can’t wait to get up everymornign to see if there are swans or pelicans on the river, and if the lemon scented gums are letting of their scent or not. I LOOK FORWARD to it and it is not in any way stressful. My time. Alone. With nature. With a controlled diet, my weight went down and has remained stable, even though I now have treats more often. #iBot

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      When I first moved and was still fairly fit I used to go for walks along the esplanade and pier near where I live. I often did so to have a break or if I was stuck on something and I always enjoyed it. It grounded me a lot and reminded me how fortunate I was…

  • Janet Camilleri (@middleagedmama1)
    April 20, 2016

    Great quote! Just a thought … have you tried seeing a psychologist to help you work though the issues that are preventing you from losing weight? No, I haven’t done it myself, but I do a lot of web work for a psychology firm and I know there are some that specialise in this very area …

    • Debbish
      April 20, 2016

      Oh yes Janet. I’ve seen quite a few including one who specialised in eating disorders and another who was also a dietician. I suspect I know the answers but struggle to follow-through nonetheless!

  • EssentiallyJess
    April 21, 2016

    I’m sorry Deb, but I have no real ideas for you. I’m not unhealthy but I’ve got 3kgs I’d like to lose. Which is not a lot, but I’ve been talking about those 3 for a couple of years now and not really done anything about it. But I’m also not motivated enough to change it, and so I just whinge. So I get what you’re saying. I guess getting to the point you are at is maybe a good thing? If it motivates you enough, that’s got to be positive.
    Just wanted to add that I love that you are so real about your challenges. I hope I get to meet you one day.

    • Debbish
      April 21, 2016

      Awwww thanks Jess. I’m aiming to go to Problogger this year if you’re thinking of going?

  • Tory
    April 22, 2016

    Good luck with blogging every day in April! I’m sure you’ll do fantastic 🙂

    • Debbish
      April 24, 2016

      Thanks Tory. So far so good and only a week to go!

  • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
    April 23, 2016

    Ah the weight battle. Sometimes when I have no motivation to start or I lack the commitment on my own, I try and hold myself accountable to someone. That might be joining with some friends on whatsapp or FB and discussing our exercise and meals for each day or signing up for a program at my gym. Accountability works for me. If that’s something that works for you, I’m happy to be an accountability partner — I’m due for one too 🙂

    • Debbish
      April 24, 2016

      Awww.. thanks Sanch. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do. I really need to make some changes but just not sure how I want to go about it. (And yes, I know I just need to start!)

  • Newcastle Stafford
    April 23, 2016

    I’m so with you on this topic. We know what to do, we know how to do it, what we don’t know is why we’re not doing it. Have you ever thought about blogging every day on this subject. I’m thinking about doing that and incorporating my weird little doodles over at Recovering From Myself. Of course I’ve been thinking about a blog/podcast for years now so we all know it’s not coming anytime soon!

    • Debbish
      April 24, 2016

      I used to blog about it every day when I had my Diet Schmiet blog. Not sure the writing helped as the first year or so I didn’t do anything. Attempted various things and failed. But then when I did start losing weight I suspect the blogging helped a lot.

  • Suzy Que
    April 24, 2016

    I’ve always had a weight “problem”. My sports teacher wrote in my school book “don’t think of your weight as a handicap. Bring in your will power and see what wonders you can do”. Since then over the last 40 years I have lost weight put it back on in a never ending cycle. But I no longer think of my weight as a handicap, a problem or as a roadblock because it no longer defines me.
    dropping by from I Confess

    • Debbish
      April 24, 2016

      Oh great approach Suzy! Of course now that I’m bigger than ever I can look at my lesser weights and realise that – even though I was overweight – I was still healthy or fit or at least had potential to move to my ideal weight easily… less so now sadly!

  • Trish @ Between My Lines
    April 24, 2016

    I read this during the week and meant to comment but I never got back to it. I am a yoyo dieter and I’m trying to get this under control for once and for all, which isn’t easy as I’m trying to break habits I’ve had since my early teens. I think my biggest tip is be easy on yourself. It’s not easy to get overeating under control. Just take it day by day and forget about everything that happened in the past. I could get mad at myself for gaining, losing, gaining weight but what’s the point. It’s better to just focus on today and try to make tomorrow better. I also found that understanding my personality better has helped my weight loss. For example I listen to the Gretchen Reubin podcasts and I am an Obliger personality. Knowing that I work better when I feel accountable has made me add elements of that into my weight loss efforts. I use snapchat to document my journey (the good and the bad) and knowing that I have support and eyes on my updates keeps me motivated. That’s just one personality, Reubin defines 4 different types and it really helps when trying to form healthier habits.
    Sorry for the long comment but I know how you feel about being held back by your weight. Another thing that resonated with me was a quote. ‘being overweight is hard. losing weigh is hard. choose your hard’. I repeat it like a mantra whenever I’m feeling out of control.

    • Debbish
      April 25, 2016

      I love the ‘choose your hard’ quote Trish and I do follow Rubin and think I’m an obliger as well…

      I also need to remember to take each day at a time. I have such a lot of weight to lose it can feel overwhelming!

I'd love to hear your thoughts