Captain’s log – Ear Infection Day 3
10.00am Wake up. Note state of sheets on mother’s guest bed reflect sleepless night. Recall being awake until after 3am. Wonder again how I manage to dislodge fitted sheets through tossing and turning.
Attempt to move. Discover ear infection no better. In fact it appears head may well explode as a result of movement. Ear hurting even more than yesterday. If possible.
Check time on phone. Again regret deleting social media from phone and iPad earlier in week. Find news instead. Take minute to mourn first-crush Dr Spock and make note to have drink on his behalf later in the day at a time more socially acceptable.
10.15am Leave comfort of bedroom and venture into bright dining from where mother is reading papers, having already been out to replenish antibiotic supply.
10.30am Make polite conversation. Drink Vanilla Diet Coke which has been replaced by tasteless black stuff. Reject idea of breakfast. Head hurts. Take Nurofen and antibiotics. Return to bed.
1.15pm Apparently. Wake. Starving. Assist mother in preparing large breakfast planned for 5hrs earlier. Eat.
1.45pm Arrival of mother’s lawn mower man makes return to bed unthinkable. Jointly decide to head to video shop to rent movie for the night. Develop secret plan to procure chocolate while at video store.
2.00pm Brush hair for first time in two days. Brush teeth for first time in a day. Don ‘outside’ clothes. Mother drives to video shop.
Which is bloody well no longer there. The one video library we joined has closed. Shit.
2.30pm Return home. More Nurofen. More antibiotics. Return to bed despite mower man.
5.30pm Diet champagne and salt & vinegar biscuits. I hate salt and vinegar anything but at least I can taste these.
Side note: despite many conversations my mother tends to forget I hate salt & vinegar flavoured stuff. And plain corn chips. But she keeps buying them. Obviously getting me confused with her other daughter called Deborah. She did the same with candy easter eggs when I was a kid.
7.00pm Leftover slow-cooked roast & mashed potato for dinner. All thoughtfully prepared by my mother – so I don’t need to open my mouth / chew. (Which hurts.) Also permits me to forgive her for salt & vinegar biscuits and candy egg debacle.
Raise glass of cabernet sauvignon to first-crush Spock and consume on his behalf.
8.00pm Antibiotics and painkillers. Though now resorting to ‘hard’ drugs (painkillers with codeine) because:
1. Sleep is a highly underrated way to pass time when in pain
2. I hope to magically awake to pain-free ear and head in manner of bear resurfacing after cold harsh winter
3. Why not?!
8.30pm Watch something on television featuring (far-too-young-for-me) handsome vicar before attempting early night.
12.00am Inexplicably get to sleep earlier than I have for six weeks. Yay for codeine!
Captain’s Log – Ear Infection Day 4
7.00am Rise for morning ablutions. Discover—on moving—ear infection and accompanying pain no better. Attempt to moan to mother but remember she’s at church. Take antibiotics and painkillers. And f*ck it, although it’s morning, go for the codeine.
7.30am Wallow and writhe in pain. Contemplate visit to emergency room. Instead rely on Dr Google. Consensus seems to be antibiotics only real treatment. Decapitation not recommended for pain relief. Unsurprisingly.
8.00am Feel unwell, possibly as a result of taking antibiotics on empty stomach. Discover hash browns in mother’s over-stocked freezer to accompany bacon & egg. Cook all in microwave to minimise unnecessary movement. Attempt to remember joys of crunchy (grilled) hash browns.
8.30am Remain awake long enough to greet mother post-church (& associated ferrying about of old ladies). Seek sympathy and hot pack. Confirm today’s return home unlikely. Brief mother on outcomes of extensive research into treatment options.
9.00am Return to bed. Toss and turn. Feel sorry for self. Decide no one EVER has been in as much pain as I most certainly am.
11.00am Surprised to discover two hours have passed though I’m sure I’ve not slept. Undoubtedly a time-space continuum trick. Or something. Mother at movies. Oh, I know… to entertain myself I’ll write a blog post…
Are you a better patient than I surely am?