June 2020 check-in

Monday, June 29, 2020 Permalink

I’ve got a million posts partially written. About important things. Unimportant things. Feelings. Life. You know… the usual. But for reasons unknown I’m not in the mood to delve deeply today.

Instead, this will be un-insightful and newsy*. So, take a seat and enjoy the ride.

Purpose / direction / passion

The hours of my contract gig decreased a lot this year. Opportunity-wise there aren’t a lot of options out there for 50-something year olds who are feeling increasingly redundant. So… as pondered a month or so, I’m returning to study.

Of course, when I say “returning” it’s not entirely true as it’s over 20yrs since I did my MBA. And I don’t think the internet was readily available in 1997 so I suspect things will have changed. I’ve enrolled in the Graduate Certificate of Writing, Editing and Publishing at the University of Queensland (35 years after I first went there as an undergrad!). I’m excited cos I like learning new things, but scared shitless cos I’m a poor scholar and not very academically inclined.

Health

I’ve had some heart stuff happen. It’s kinda boring and I’m still unsure if it’s a big deal or not but I’m going to be taking several medications to slow my heart rate and minimise atrial fibrillations. I’ve had a heap of tests and am apparently almost constantly in fibrillation. I think.

check in

I’m conscious I need to make some lifestyle changes as well. It’s been ages since I’ve exercised properly and I’m feeling kinda confronted by how much I feel and look my age at the moment.

Hope

I suspect those who’ve followed me for a while get a sense of my moods. Although I’m wretchedly honest (on the whole) here and on social media I have a line in the sand I don’t cross and it’s generally mental health related. I’m still not willing to go ‘there’. But feel it’s apt to mention that I’ve been struggling. A lot. Off and on. I keep thinking things will improve: waiting for the magic elixir; the thunderbolt; or the revelation that will fix everything… but it continues to elude me.

Instead I plod along—stumbling here and there—like so many other people.

Whether the coronavirus has made things worse, I’m not sure. If I’m really honest it kinda feels as if it’s levelled things out… given everyone an understanding of the uncertainty, helplessness and hopelessness many of us experience every single day.

* I did mean to talk about what I’ve been watching (a lot) and stuff, but meh… I’ve got some book reviews I need to finish.

How’s your week looking?

Pic from Instagram.

42 Comments
  • Jo
    June 29, 2020

    We are so overdue a zoom or FB or something call… I’ll message you privately…

  • Min Write of the Middle
    June 29, 2020

    I have the atrial fibrillation thing too Deb. It’s a perimenopause/menopause thing – just one of the things we can get. Usually it’s short lived but one night it went for hours and hours and hours and I was scared. It also made me nauseous. It’s not gone as long since. It’s worrying that you are almost constantly in that state. I hope you get some answers on how to treat it or improve the situation. As for your mood – I’m in the same boat – so please, if ever you want someone to talk to I’m always here for you. It’s different for us all but I do understand. Hope this is a good week for you! xo

    • Debbish
      June 29, 2020

      Thanks Min. I’m tired of the overwhelm and mostly of the guilt because I know I really don’t have stuff to complain about compared to others, so I feel so petty. And I gather if the AF is not ‘usual’ they can shock you to get you back to a normal rhythm but mine seems to be constant. They had two different attempts (fortnight apart) to do the angiogram but my heartrate is too irregular. They did get enough clarity to see there are no blockages though. So, I don’t actually think it’s a big deal…

  • leannelc
    June 29, 2020

    Hi Deb – sorry to hear that life is a bit sucky atm – with the heart and the head. Sometimes when we’re not in the place we’d hoped/expected to be, our innards reflect our disappointment/uncertainty. Hopefully some medication, some pleasant exercise (does that even exist?) and starting your new course – which you’re going to love – will help boost your spirits and get you fired up again. xx

    • Debbish
      June 29, 2020

      Oh I hope so Leanne. Every so often it feels as if there are glimpses of hope, or positivity and I think I can see some purpose to existing or something to look forward to but then the overwhelm reappears and it all seems kinda pointless. But yes… fingers crossed.

      • leannelc
        July 1, 2020

        Hi Deb – back for #MLSTL and to say that you’re def going to enjoy the challenge of the study – although it may strain your poor little brain a time or two!

  • Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid
    June 29, 2020

    I saw that pic on Insta and I thought it summed things up nicely! Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling – is there such a thing as a thunderbolt? I think it’s more like a dripping tap that eventually fills your cup. Plodding is good though and it sounds with your course that you’re going in the right direction. Yay you for starting studying again and that course sounds like it was made for you! Hope you get some answers about and some relief for your ticker too! Call me nosey but now I want to know what you’ve been watching! Have a great week!

    • Debbish
      June 29, 2020

      I suspect there’s no thunderbolt and no answers. Just living what what there is and doing the best we can.

      As for TV… sooooo many things: Fleabag, The Sinner, The 100, The Woods, 365 Days, Sweet Magnolias, Snowpiercer, After Life, Into The Night, Feel the Beat, Nanette….

  • Sydney Shop Girl
    June 29, 2020

    Sending positive thoughts about your health, Deb.

    All the best for your new course of study!

    Take care

    SSG xxx

    • Debbish
      June 29, 2020

      Thanks. Am nervicited about Uni I think. It’s been so long and I assumed things have changed so much I don’t know what to expect.

  • Vanessa
    June 29, 2020

    Exercise is a struggle for me at the moment. I’m very limited in what I can do and then I have a bad day when I can’t do any which feels like a big set back. Not so much in loss of fitness cos ha I have none, but in loss of habit, which makes it harder to get started again.

    • Debbish
      June 29, 2020

      I’m the same Vanessa. I’m not even making 5000 steps most days. When I’ve stayed at mum’s I’ve done some walking as there are easy walking options from her place but I’m at the top of a hill so I’d need to drive somewhere…. (and yes, I’m just making excuses!).

  • Sanch @ Sanch Writes
    June 29, 2020

    Sorry you’re struggling emotionally Deb. Happy to line up a chat this week if you’d like that. The physical health scare probably compounds a lot of the emotional stuff too. I hope things get better but also know I’m around for a chat if you want.

    • Sanch @ Sanch Writes
      June 29, 2020

      Also, yay on the course!

    • Debbish
      June 29, 2020

      Thanks lovely. I think I’m just annoyed with myself as rationally I know better and that my life does not suck. There are just moments of hopelessness that pervade everything else longer than they should. The ‘good’ rarely seems to outweigh the ‘bad’ but I know I need to create the positives myself. I can’t rely on anyone else (and shouldn’t) to do it.

  • Debbie
    June 29, 2020

    I get the plodding along – so much!! Take care and do what you can. I love that pic too!

    • Debbish
      June 30, 2020

      There are quite a few funny memes out there about this year Deb… I guess that’s how we cope, by having a laugh – I know it’s what I usually try to do. (Not here though obvs!)

      • Debbie
        July 1, 2020

        I actually used this meme in my latest post, so thanks!

  • Laurie
    June 29, 2020

    I love your posts, Deb. I always feel as though I can relate. I think we all are feeling a bit raw right now. Add any misfortune to that and it is easy to get into a mental health struggle. I am with you! Good for you for enrolling in school again! Any trip outside of our comfort zone is a good thing.

    • Debbish
      June 30, 2020

      I’m hoping it gives me some sense of purpose Laurie. I read something the other day (I couldn’t then find again) about having a reason for getting out of bed each day and I was stumped. When I was working it was a no-brainer. I had to do it to pay the bills etc. I mean, I still have to pay the bills but work (then vs now) has a different place in my life.

  • Natalie
    June 30, 2020

    Deb, Sending positive thoughts about your health. I hope talking to your friends and doctor help. All the best with your study, too. #lifethisweek

    • Debbish
      June 30, 2020

      Meh, radio silence from cardiologist who forgot my prescriptions last week and I was supposed to get them yesterday…. I’m kinda tempted to ignore it. I’ve obviously had this for a while but it went unidentified until I took myself to the emergency dept a month or so ago.

      (Although my nana died of a heart attack at my age, so I guess reaching 53 would be nice!)

  • Greg
    June 30, 2020

    God luck with going back to school! Hope it goes great. And with the atrial fibrillation as well. It seems to run in my family and I’ve had it too. When I had heart surgery they zapped (ablation I guess they call it) an area and said that might or might not eliminate it- I do monitor it and have been better- but I know the feeling. Just as background, I had my first episode of it in my 20’s (which is pretty rare I guess as it tends to manifest when you’re older) and it would pop up off and on. Went to the ER several times. so I can relate. Hope you have all good results going forward with it.

    I love that graphic about July! 🙂

    • Debbish
      July 1, 2020

      There’s talk of multiple ablations I think, but will play it by ear. Good that you’re able to monitor it now. I was a bit obsessed with the heart-rate monitor on my Fitbit for a week or two but tend to ignore it again now unless I feel breathless or any pain.

  • midlifestylist
    July 1, 2020

    Hi, How exciting to be going back to school! I would love to do a course like that. Best of luck. As to your heart – please don’t ignore! I just wrote about my heart issues this week and you really shouldn’t take it lightly. Take care, regards Christina

    • Debbish
      July 1, 2020

      I’m off to read it Christina in case I missed it last week.

  • Helen
    July 1, 2020

    Your post hits home Deb. Life, transitions, physical and mental heath. and then COVID, which casts a dull light over everything. But I believe there is light on this journey. My contracts have also dwindled away, everyone seems to think I’m retired (I’m not!) and then out of the blue someone called me last week wanting to hire me! And good luck on going back to learning – I’ve just finished some courses and am exploring a new passion that I think may even make me some money! This is a wonderful age despite our aches and pains and mental health issues! I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    • Debbish
      July 1, 2020

      How great to have the new contract Helen and it sounds exciting that you’re exploring some new passions. I don’t quite know where I think this new study will take me yet but it will perhaps help me feel as if I’ve got more legitimacy in that field!

  • Samantha
    July 1, 2020

    Hi Deb, nice to virtually meet you, (through #MLSTL). Sorry to read you are feeling a little blue a the mo, but I love your honesty! Take Care and yeah – come along quietly, July!

    • Debbish
      July 2, 2020

      Hi Samantha, lovely to virtually meet you as well and I’m off to check out your site now!

  • Denyse Whelan
    July 1, 2020

    I hear you and try to see that this is…for so many a very uncertain time. Add a potential health concern to a financial one and it adds up to more stress…and I think that you don’t need that. I have heard COVID has brought more uncertainty & lack of motivation to many. You are not alone, but as you live alone it feels heightened for you. Sending my best for better days ahead.Thank you so much for linking up. We are more half way through the year now. Next week it’s time for: 27/51 Taking Stock #3 6.7.2020 so I look forward to seeing you then, on or off prompt. Denyse.

    • Debbish
      July 3, 2020

      I think the uncertainty means it’s hard to plan ahead and feel safe and secure in our futures. It’s not catastrophising exactly but I guess most of us worry more than we used to.

  • endardoo
    July 1, 2020

    I, for one, can relate so much to what you’ve written … I do think the lingering Covid thing has been damaging for mental health, it’s been going on for so long, and no cure yet … and we do seem to out this pressure on ourselves to be upbeat, or at least not to pay enough attention to our inner negative voice. In the sense that we can’t just drown it out, we have to address the issues and try to deal with them in a real way. It’s okay to be a bit iffy, but your health worries are very real. Good luck. #MLSTL

    • Debbish
      July 3, 2020

      I guess there’s some low level PTSD type thing everyone will be experiencing after this. Something our predecessors experienced after wartime and the Great Depression and similar worldwide upheavals.

      • endardoo
        July 4, 2020

        I believe you are right … a lot of stress to deal with Debbish

  • patwdoyle11
    July 2, 2020

    I too can relate to the up and downs. It seems like everything is now the “straw that broke the camel’s back”. I don’t seem to have a lot of emotional resilience for the little things going wrong. I’m trying to exercise, get outside more, and pick something to study on-line. Note the “trying”…today was only 3000 steps and I just cannot find anything that is tapping into my learning desire. Ugh. I also know I should not complain… there are many people who are much worse off with this Covid-19 situation. Sending positive thoughts your way, especially on the physical side of things. I personally had a catheter ablation back in my early 40’s and haven’t had any blip since… one of the better surgical outcomes in my life. Everyone is different and I hope whatever they recommend for you does the job.

    • Debbish
      July 3, 2020

      I think that’s the thing isn’t it at the moment. Everything seems so much harder and I’m exactly the same and feel really bad for worrying and feeling stressed when others have it so much worse than I do.

  • Sue from Women Living Well After 50
    July 3, 2020

    Hi Deb, life can be crappy at times can’t it? However, look at you go with returning to study and I’m so pleased for you because I think it is something you can really get stuck into. Hopefully the health issue will be resolved but take care and thanks for being so honest in how you are feeling. Have a lovely weekend and thanks for linking up to #MLSTL

    • Debbish
      July 3, 2020

      I’ve actually switched the location of my study so starting in a week – earlier than expected.

  • Cheryl
    July 7, 2020

    Sorry to hear about your health problems, not good. But hopefully your medication will keep things under control. Way to go with study! I think it’s not something I’ll ever do (formally, at least) again. I’m at a bit of a loss right now as to what direction my life will take, just have to wait and see what happens. Hope you have great July! 🙂

    • Debbish
      July 8, 2020

      I must say Cheryl I’m really shocked I decided to study again and I think part of it is because I feel directionless. It’d never really occurred to me to do some study in an area that interested me so we’ll see how this goes?!

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