An old post popped up on my Facebook feed this morning. And it surprised me. I’ve been such a misery guts for the past year I’ve forgotten I was sometimes happy and pleasant to be around.
In 2016 I was catching up with someone I’d seen a day or two before I left my old life in Brisbane – one resplendent with money, respect, a sense of purpose and lots of stress – for my seachange. Her visit had me pondering the difference between my old life and new life. And apparently I decided I was a million times happier.
I still don’t regret my seachange. I cringe at the idea of my old life; long days at work, the commute, little balance.
So why have I struggled soooo much over the past year or so I wonder? I recognise that I have so much to be grateful for. My previous life afforded me my lovely house and though I’ve not had much work in the 8-9 years since making my seachange I’ve survived financially. Last year was a bit tumultuous health-wise but again I’m more fortunate than many.
I caught up with my friend Jo Tracey last week. We had a delightful lunch, and while the food was great, it was mostly the conversation I appreciated. I was talking about how I felt purposeless and directionless and Jo – who knows about astrological stuff – said it was very much a Capricorn thing.
I’d always assumed that my sense of identity was too connected to my work, to my profession. I’ve been a ‘I am a diplomat / public servant / project manager,‘ person more than a ‘I do…‘ person.
But our chat clarified for me that I’m really struggling with a lack of purpose. Because my purpose has always been connected to my work. I think I assumed it would redirect itself into my writing and I’d become a prolific (albeit possibly crappy) writer. But it hasn’t been the case. At all.
Instead I’ve felt stymied in general. Purposeless. I’m conscious this is something many retirees must experience when they finish their working lives but guess that’s usually planned – particularly in terms of finances and how time will be spent. Official retirement is perhaps a culmination of working life.
I feel like perhaps I reached my peak and I missed it.
In completely unrelated news I hurt my back and have been feeling sorry for myself all weekend. What’s happening in your world?
May 3, 2021
Hi Deb – an interesting conundrum this work transition thing. As you know, I left my job with no warning – just a huge sense of relief, and no idea about how retirement/unemployment would play out. I think it changes over time from being relieved to have so much freedom and flexibility, to wondering what to do with all that F&F and then wondering if what was in the rear view mirror was better than what’s ahead. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid, but I see it a lot in women who are 50+ because we’re all transitioning in different ways – even those still working are asking questions about whether that’s what they want to keep doing. At least you know you’re not alone – and sorry to hear about your back x
May 3, 2021
Thanks Leanne. I think it’s just a bit of a no-man’s land. Not yet able to retire but perhaps my best years (professionally) are behind me? I like to think the latter isn’t the case that I can change direction (dare I say pivot!?!) and move on but it’s not looking particularly likely. Options are limited in my local area and there’s no way I want to return to Brisbane.
May 4, 2021
I feel for you Deb as I felt a little the same when I thought I might retire. I have plenty to do in retirement but that’s doesn’t stop the purposeless feelings. I hope you’re able to work honk your way through this. Also hope your back gets better x
May 4, 2021
Thanks Jennifer and yes my back is a little better today finally!
May 4, 2021
As they sing in Avenue Q ‘everyone needs a purpose’! Maybe you just need to pivot and find yours – I don’t have any answers for you – but I will say your work doesn’t define you although it may have determined the path you’ve travelled so far. As someone who hasn’t worked full time for 2-3 years and with much younger friends with high flying careers, I sometimes feel like a bit of a failure and lacking purpose in comparison. I try not to overthink this too much and remind myself that I just have to “do me’ and that be very different from other people, we’re all younique after all. I think knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you do want. My advice is do more of what you love – that is a purpose in itself.
May 4, 2021
That’s a great approach Sammie and I wonder if it’s about finding a life that fits us. As you know I don’t have a partner or kids so while many plan their lives around their families or the legacies they hope to leave my priorities are a little different.
May 4, 2021
There is nothing like a good conversation with a friend to help clarify what is ailing us. I’m glad you and Jo had a good talk. Even if you are retired (as I am), you can still develop a sense of purpose. I’m sure you will find your direction when you are ready, Deb. I am a Capricorn too – stubborn!
Hoping your back feels better by the time you read this.
May 4, 2021
Thanks Laurie, I think I need to realise that purpose can come from things outside of work!
May 4, 2021
I love our chats and catch-ups – it always puts things into perspective for me too as I know you *get* it (and *get* me…which is actually more of a challenge!) It’s the *shoulds* that get in the way of the *coulds*…
May 4, 2021
Oh yes those bloody *shoulds*…..
May 4, 2021
I think it’s reasonable to assume purposes change throughout life though and there will be purposeless times.
May 4, 2021
That’s true. I think many people are more work-focussed until they have families and then their sense of purpose changes. It probably changes back a bit after a while and then again….
May 4, 2021
I would ask you – what was it about your roles that gave you that sense of purpose? That left you fulfilled? That filled you? I think that can then be translated into other areas. I understand how our work identity can intertwine with our overall identity. If anything, having a think about your values and attempting to do things in line with them can help and give you a sense of purpose/meaning that you are looking for hopefully even during retirement. I know you don’t read much nonfiction but I highly recommend The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, any of Brene Brown’s work and more recently, Emotional Agility by Susan David. Both Brown and David also have TED talks that might lead you down a rabbit hole 🙂 Also, more than happy to chat of course!!
I hope your back starts to feel better soon!!
May 6, 2021
Thanks Sanch. I have to think about this…. I was going to say it gave me purpose because it felt like I was ‘good’ at something. But I struggled with confidence. People said nice things however so I suspect that external validation had something to do with it. And the fact I always chose interesting and edgy jobs rather than focus on climbing the ladder seniority-wise, I jumped about to take on things that seemed interesting or high profile. Having said that it occurred to me at one point – by moving into Executive liaison I was always the ‘behind the scenes’ person, supporting the Deputy Director-General or CEO. It probably also says something about my need to be in control.
May 4, 2021
I get it Deb. Being made redundant from my very rewarding and enjoyable job when I was 56 after a stellar 22 year career, I felt a lot of things, without purpose being one of them. It has taken me quite some time to come to the conclusion that I still have a purpose all these years later and my life is even more rewarding but in a completely different way now. At the time you couldn’t have told me that would be the case. I’m so glad you and Jo had a chat and you managed to outline your thoughts with her. Hope your back is feeling better now and take care.
May 6, 2021
Thanks Deb. Thankfully when I got my redundancy I knew it was coming and I kinda offered myself up as a sacrifice as I realised my life needed to change. But I definitely didn’t expect opportunities here would be so limited. And yes, it was lovely to catch up with Jo again.
May 5, 2021
I completely understand how you’re feeling Deb – well at least I think I do. I feel purposeless too. I never have found my purpose like we’re told we’re meant to. Some people are lucky and know what theres is all their lives and never waver. I have lots of interest and I explore and dabble in them all but not one is my sole purpose. I left work unexpectantly with no plan in place. No preparation. So I’ve been floundering around for nearly a decade now! So yep – I kinda understand how you’re feeling. I know though that I am very very hard on myself and you probably are on yourself too so we both probably need to give ourselves a break and look at all that we ‘have’ achieved over the years! xo
May 6, 2021
I like to think in 5yrs I’ll be able to feel as if I’m sauntering towards retirement – almost able to access my superannuation etc, whereas at the moment I still feel like I should be earning an income. (Paying the mortgage and bills and stuff.)
Also you’ve got a busy life with family etc so don’t forget that’s important.
May 6, 2021
I have read everyone’s comments before coming to do mine. Every person here has an understanding of some kind based on their life experiences and seem to ‘get’ exactly what you are saying. I understand the title being the purpose for work life…and then without family of your own then, who are you …the kinds of self-centred questions we ask. I offer this…if you took the “shoulds” out of your inner dialogue what would you life look like now.
Thanks so much for linking up for #lifethisweek. I am always grateful to see your blog post there. Next week my guest poster is ready to comment…I have done one training session with him…and I will be there too. Cheers, Denyse.
May 7, 2021
Oh Denyse, that sound interesting. And yes…. I know I focus too much on the SHOULDs. I need to pull myself more when I catch myself doing it.
May 7, 2021
I’ve struggled with both purpose and legacy. For years, my purpose and legacy were tied to my work identity! I’m now retired, I don’t have kids (so no grandkids), and while I tried both the part-time work and volunteer stuff, neither felt “purposeful”. Where I have come to be is…do I have a vision of the lifestyle I want, a vision that is based on my values and my strengths, and am I actively executing that vision? So each day, with intention, I feel like I am doing something “purposeful” in achieving my life vision. I am not saving the world (no grand purpose or legacy), but I am learning to live my (authentic) life. Am I past my “professional work peak”? Yup. Am I past my “authentic living peak” ? No… working on that!
May 7, 2021
Oh I love that and you’ve certainly given me something to ponder as you’re in a similar position with no kids etc. I sometimes think about not-blogging or book reviewing. But then I wonder who I’d be without that? Even if I got a full-time job where I was fully occupied I think I’d struggle with that sense of purpose. It’s funny – all of the years I worked all I wanted was to not-work. And in reality, if I had some other source of income (or a partner who’d happily be breadwinner) I’d not-work and for some reason that would make me feel more-free. So perhaps the issue is more about the fact I feel I should be / need to be working that gives me that sense of disenfranchisement. Hmmm…