I’ve got a post written (drafted three weeks ago) about the fact I’ve been a misery guts of late. Each time I open it I’ve new fodder to add. New examples of my negative attitude and grizzly manner. New things to whinge about. New frustrations.
The post is now ridiculously long and my original point… which was about the fact I recognise my moodiness and am quick to apologise if I lose my temper (only ever with my mother I must confess) is buried in the sea of negativity.
In the post I comment on the things I’ve felt piling on top of me, I’ve felt like I’m suffocating and have no means of escape. Though at the same time, I realise things like uncertainly around employment, caring for my mother after her surgery and more recently a broken car are mild in comparison to what others grapple with. And I’m ashamed. Until I’m reminded that we all have different breaking points and I shouldn’t deprecate or dismiss the stressors in my life.
A few weeks ago I wrote about FOBO (the fear of better options). I talked at the time about stuff like work and the fact I was prevaricating BIG TIME about my car: having it fixed vs replacing it (and whether I was prepared to buy something basic to get me around, or something I enjoyed driving).
The car thing has been a biggie. It took me about six weeks to make a decision, during which time I could only use my car sparingly. I was hamstrung, not happy about the choices before me.
My values and desires were jousting in my muddled mind. I’m not really working much (only 6.5hrs this past week) so the more responsible and evolved part of me is aware my life is now about balance and not ‘stuff’ and therefore anything would do. But of course, the old me – the pre-seachange me who kept wanting more (well not in quantity, but quality) – wanted something that sparked just a little joy.
As usual, once I made my decision it happened quickly. I bought a car – unseen, un-driven – from a nearby town on a Friday afternoon, arriving early the next week (ie. last week).
I haven’t decided if I love it as much as its predecessor but it’s made a world of difference. I can (again) decide I need / want to go somewhere and or do something and simply do it.
I woke yesterday and stumbled out of bed as usual. Yet something was different. And it occurred to me. Something was gnawing at me but it wasn’t the usual sense of dread. Of hopelessness, of desire to fast-forward that day and those coming. Instead I felt a smidge of positivity. Of hope.
I still need to work on my health and fitness, think about financial security, find more work and do crap around my house. I definitely want to do something with my writing and feel less like I’m thwarting myself in that respect but…. there was a visceral sense of possibility. Something I’ve not felt for some time.
It’s weird that making changes to just one element of my life or solving one of my problems can make such a difference. But something I need to remember as I work through the other stuff.
BTW, this grumble-bum post was initially about feeling grumpy and spiteful and regretting it. Then it was going to be about how disempowering the lack of mobility / freedom (as in not having a car) can be and I was thinking of a friend’s mum who can no longer drive and how she’s coping.
But in the end it’s just me blithering. Sorry about that.
What’s bringing you joy, if anything?
February 3, 2020
Sometimes it is about just picking one thing and then feeling lighter…and sometimes it’s not. Tbh I’m not the best person to ask about joy atm as it feels like it’s work work and work and then work. I also feel very ungratefully grumbly when I complain about oing my writing work on weekends and how it would be to get a weekend off but then I remind myself that I’m doing it on weekends because I want to make it a career and at the moment I can’t pay for the things we do as a family or indeed feed us unless I work during the week and I’m lucky to be able to do so.
February 3, 2020
I had several lengthy discussions with my 8yr old godson last week about actions and consequences and used my decision NOT to pursue full-time work as an example… meaning I don’t have as much money as I’d like and need to live differently etc. I suspect it wasn’t the best example but obviously something that preys on my mind a lot.
The having to buy a new car thing was a huge unexpected expense for me (I redrew $ off my mortgage) and it made me stop and ponder the full-time work thing again for a while. Equally though I ‘feel’ as if I don’t have enough time to sit and do some feature pieces to pitch or progress my novels. (And yet I actually have a lot of spare time.)
You’re a machine and I’m envious (not jealous but inspired) of your ability to do so much and fit it all in.
February 3, 2020
Thanks for your words, but I do feel a tad out of control from time to time. I went permanent part time (finally) this year just to give me some stability.
February 3, 2020
I hadn’t realised. That’s great! (Sorry I’ve been so out of the loop!)
February 5, 2020
Nah, you haven’t been out of the loop, I just haven’t really talked about it… 🙂
February 5, 2020
Ah-ha!
February 3, 2020
The lack of a reliable car affects your mobility/ schedule/ freedom so I understand how it would affect your mood. I like your quote. I hope you have a fab February! #lifethisweek
February 3, 2020
Oh yes Natalie. Several times since returning home (from looking after my godson across town) I think of something I ‘need’ to do, remember I can’t. Then remember I can…. that I do again have a car and can go out etc…
February 3, 2020
Hi Deb – I think we all get a bit grumbly when life piles a series of unfortunate events on our heads. I called it my “Lemony Snickett” time in a blog post a few years ago. I think that discontent is also a joy killer – and I’m grateful that I’m the sort of person who doesn’t need a lot of material things to be happy – if I drooled over catalogues or expensive cars etc I’d be a lot unhappier with my non-working life.
Now that you’ve ticked off a big concern (the car) your load is lighter and I think perspective returns and with it that spark of hope. You have a lot of good things in amongst the annoyances, so hang in there.
BTW my mum is getting a knee replacement and coming to live with us for 6 weeks – (for the second time) and my eye is already twitching in anticipation – it’s going to be a looooonnng Feb/March in our house!
February 3, 2020
I’d initially thought we’d alternate between my mum’s house and mine after her surgery but she’s so much more comfortable in her own place… which is understandable. Fortunately for me our towns are only half an hour apart!
My original post talked about the fact that there ALWAYS seemed to be something that was gnawing at me and throwing me off-balance. It felt like there’d been no respite from it but I know it’s not the case and I really don’t have it that badly.
I should mention (and I had this conversation with my mum yesterday) I struggle with commitments. Even though I’m a big ‘to-do’ list person I hate when things are put upon me. I’m not good at committing to things in advance – time away, holidays, concerts etc. It seems so unfathomable that I’ll know what I can or can’t do in advance. (I suspect that is why I wasn’t able to book my Italian accommodation until a month or so before going back in 2018, despite knowing I had to do so for almost a year!)
February 3, 2020
I’m so glad you’ve found some positivity! I know how you feel because recently I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with all the activities/events/work coming up, but I think it’s how you choose to look at things. I’m going to be excited instead of overwhelmed and hopefully that reduces my stress a bit.
Di from Max The Unicorn
February 3, 2020
For me it’s usually the small stuff that tips me over the edge Di… I feel overwhelmed but can kinda fake it and wallow privately and then WHAM… a few things go wrong and I’m a mess.
February 3, 2020
As you say it’s all relative and you shouldn’t deprecate or dismiss your stressors – we’re all different. Clearly, the car and being mobile is important to you and yay you for following your gut and making the right choice. I think we humans often think that big changes are needed to make us happy or content but so often the little things that can make a really big difference and your car change is the perfect example of that. Side note I don’t think your post is grumbly at all and even if it was, you know what they say, better out than in 🙂
February 4, 2020
Ah yes, the car thing has been hard cos it feels like a minor thing but has really had an impact on what I’ve been able to do over the past couple of months. (And I suspect just writing some of those earlier draft posts helped with the venting… even though I didn’t end up posting them!)
February 3, 2020
With regard to stressors – better out than in, I reckon. As Sammie so wisely commented before me. For me, acknowledging my stress and being somewhat ‘comfortable’ with it makes me feel empowered. Even if I can’t find an immediate way out. Exercise and yoga help me in the interim. Yeah, I am a broken record about those two.
SSG xxx
February 4, 2020
I’ve been slack on both fronts. Partially cos of the car issues – not being able to get out to things… but I don’t have that excuse any longer. I set a small goal of 5000 steps / day a few weeks ago as a starting point and I’m basically hitting that which is good. So my incidental exercise has increased (lots of laps of my corridor and stints on my very old jogging trampoline!) but I need to increase my cardiovascular fitness next! And get back to yoga.
February 3, 2020
One thing at a time. One day at a time. I think that’s how I deal with overwhelm and that’s I got through depression too in the past. It might seem like small things but honestly, they add up. And while perspective is good it’s also not helpful to be ashamed or dismissive about your problems. Be kind to yourself to start with {I say that with the knowledge that it’s hard to do and I’ve just had to pull myself out of a spiral of self-loathing}. I think when small things change, it can change our mood and our sense of self and our outlook. But yes, one step at a time. I’ve said it before and will say it again – do reach out for a chat if you need!
February 4, 2020
We really should skype (meet in almost real life!) one day Sanch (after so many years on chatting online).
And yes I think not being able to solve ‘any’ of my problems was becoming frustrating so making just one decision (ie. get new car, which car etc) has really helped.
February 4, 2020
Haha I agree!! It’s not that hard these days when you think about it! Oh and I meant to also say something about decision paralysis.
February 4, 2020
So glad to hear you can see a sliver of hope Deb and that quote is just perfect for many of us who have been caught in bushfires for most of January and who are now starting the year all over again in February. I certainly get it! Joy for me is friends who ‘get’ me and don’t ask too much fo me when I’m feeling grumbly and overwhelmed! #lifethisweek
February 4, 2020
I tend to shut down when I’m feeling really overwhelmed so have been quieter than usual on social media etc of late. I suspect I go to post something and am conscious it’s far too negative or repetitive or something… or it feels pointless. I know I tend to share self-deprecating stuff on my public FB page etc as it’s easier to admit to faults and weaknesses with a bit of comedy attached and feels a bit less woe-is-me-like.
February 5, 2020
I understand perfectly Deb and feel that way at times too.
February 5, 2020
It’s totally ok that you are overwhelmed and over what you are dealing with – it’s 100% personal and an area where I get stabby if I have to think about those “worse” than me – it’s like reverse inspo p*rn and feels like I ‘m using someone disadvantaged or something. I’m glad your car has freed up some space for you, physically and mentally. I wish I knew what caused my brain to click in those ways but alas… I have to just trust that eventually it does.
February 5, 2020
I suspect for me it’s about a sense of control Vanessa. I was feeling as if everything was out of control and changing one thing has helped that. Of course it doesn’t make everything else okay and I realise that the overwhelm will return (as sometimes it doesn’t take much) but at least I’ve done something now so taking action (finally!!!) helped. x
February 5, 2020
I am glad you wrote about this. That’s why we blog, to share and it really helps doesn’t it? I think that being ‘car-less’ would have driven (sorry!) me nuts. I have a half a day when my car goes in for service and I am twitchy.
I need to let you know you are often in my thoughts. I reckon living alone (and yes, OK to do so) must add to the over-thinking shit that can beset us. I know it helps to sometimes say it out loud to my husband who actually just let’s it go in one ear and out the other and the fact I have let it out seems to release it…and I feel better.
This is why I also write this stuff out in an online journal. I look back too and see I have felt like that before and come out of it…and that is reassuring.
Thank you for linking up for Life This Week #174. Next week’s optional prompt is 6/51 Interesting 10.2.2020. Hope to see you again there too. Denyse.
February 5, 2020
I very much used to use this space as a bit of an online journal and I’ve contemplated committing to writing daily to get my practice up again as I’ve felt a little stale creativity-wise of late. I realise I disappoint myself more than anyone with the things I want to do but don’t, or say I’ll do but don’t.
And thank you for your lovely thoughts! I once used to vent about everything (good and bad) on social media. Mainly because there was no one else to tell (with any immediacy anyway!) but I’m getting better at holding off. (A little, anyway!) xxx
February 6, 2020
I’m glad to hear you got the car sorted, I’m sure it was weighing on you in more ways than you knew. I’m also glad you wrote this, because that’s what blogs great for and I always need reminding of that. To write and feel, to process what’s happening and hopefully find for ourselves something to take away from it. Onwards now to the next thing on your list, Grumble Bum. Haha. 😉
February 6, 2020
Thanks Melissa. I wondered later if Grumble-bum was an Aussie saying. I’m hoping it’s not something I made up!!!
February 6, 2020
Nope, not just you! We use it around here too. Haha.