I was scrolling away on Instagram this past week (as you do) and came across a snippet of an interview with Australian singer/songwriter Missy Higgins on ABCTV. Now – I HATE (hate hate) watching / listening to reels or videos or similar but can kinda bear something short if I can read the dialogue instead of having to listen.
And the title ABC had given the piece really hit home.
Grieving the loss of a life you imagined.
Wow. I’ve talked about this before. But perhaps not as eloquently (as Higgins does, though specifically about her marriage break-up).
[Coming across it] was timely as I’d been away for work and met some colleagues for the first time and had a lengthy ‘deep and meaningful’ conversation with one about where we were at in our lives.She’s single though been divorced a couple of times and has kids and grandkids. I talked about the fact that I’d always been single.
We talked about how you imagine a certain life for yourself. She assumed she’d remain happily married. I assumed I’d fall in love, marry (as one did in those days) and have a family.
But in my case, time passed and none of that has happened (even though I attempted to become a mother in my early 40s). My colleague mentioned her mid 30s daughter who’s panicked she won’t find someone soon and not be able to have children.
I talked about my experience. I ALWAYS wanted kids. It never occurred to me I wouldn’t have them. Growing up my expectations were around getting married and having a family. Never about a career. Or work. Or travel. Just family.
In the interview Missy Higgins talks about being on the edge of starting life, which she assumed would come as she walked down the aisle. I could very much relate.
She said she felt like divorcing was failing. She said she had to mourn the death of a story.
I told my colleague that the death of my story had been a struggle for me for some time.
I had to rewrite my dream. To revise my story. To let the life I’d imagined go. I’m not sure I’ve ever grieved it however. I suspect instead I’ve been more bitter and victim-like.
But I realise I can now accept where I am. Thing things I won’t have. The story that I won’t get to live. Higgins goes on to say that she realised we can’t write our own stories.
I wonder if this is true. I am sure I must wear some blame (though I don’t mean that in a finger-pointing way) for my life not turning out the way I wanted. I know I have self-worth issues and many many fears that have prevented me from living in a way that so many take for granted. Of course I also believe in fate.
So… though I may have skipped over the grief part and wallowed in self-pity and anger for several years (or a decade or two), I realise that have most certainly accepted my life as it is. But it’s not yet over. Things continue to change.
I almost added (just then) that I was ready to ‘rewrite my story’ but realise I’ve been doing that already. And living that story for over a decade now.
Thoughts? Opinions? Have you had to let a dream or story die? Have you taken time to grieve its loss?
** Linking up with Denyse Whelan blogs today **
October 12, 2022
I once read a line in a book that stuck with me:
“Every accomplished goal is a dream that is dying.”
It’s such an odd line. I can never work out if I think it’s wise or a steaming pile!
October 12, 2022
Yes, I guess it makes sense… one dream dies as we realise it and we move onto the next. Alternatively, each time we pursue something we (by default) decide against pursuing something else.
October 12, 2022
I only just watched the Missy Higgins interview about two days ago on ABC iView Deb and I thought she spoke so eloquently and beautifully, really expressing exactly how she was feeling about it all. I can understand how much this would have resonated for you knowing as I do how life for you didn’t exactly go along the path you had hoped. I’m still pondering over her comment on how we can’t write our own stories. I think to some degree we can – I mean we can make decisions and choices about what we do and don’t do but then there are always some things that are out of our control. My story hasn’t gone exactly as planned but it’s not something I’ll get into here. It’s a thought provoking topic isn’t it? I think I need longer to think on it before I could contribute a comment with some decent intellect!
October 12, 2022
I had a whole bit in there after mentioning fate – that things obviously happen in the world that aren’t in our control – but that sometimes we need to act when fate presents itself. And of course how we respond is within our control.
October 12, 2022
I remember your earlier post about this, and while I find it very sad I can also see how you’ve come to accept what you can’t have. Revising and rewriting your story or life is an excellent expression! I don’t think you should blame yourself for not getting the life you wanted – some things are simply out of your control. I think rewriting your own story (whether it’s been done consciously or not) shows strength and that you haven’t given up on a good life, even if it’s different than you had planned.
In a way I’ve been grieving how my nursing career plan turned out – hospital management started cutting down and worsening our working conditions so that in the end I couldn’t do it anymore, both for health reasons and that I didn’t enjoy it anymore, and it wasn’t even worth the pay (I had a decent salary because I had specialist training). But what I have now is better, with a career plan that allows a more flexible life, and living in a country where I feel more home. I guess I rewrote my story too but more consciously.
And on a side note, how refreshing that there are others who dislike listening to videos, reels and stuff. I hate it! I want to read and see photos!
October 13, 2022
Oh I HATE reels Susanne. And I avoid Facebook / Instagram Live things as well.
I like that it sounds like you took control of the decision to leave your nursing career – recognising the impact it had on you. I didn’t include it here, but I did tell my colleague about the fact that the doctor told me (after two attempts at insemination and starting the IVF route that my chances of pregnancy were very minimal (like only a few percent). And ultimately I decided not to try the third time, so it kinda felt like the power was back in my hands and I got to control the situation. I still felt like it was unfair but I think that helped me feel less powerless.
October 13, 2022
This really resonates with me Deb. My life is really great but I often think about how different it has tuned out compared to how I thought it would be.
October 13, 2022
True Jen. Of course in some ways those deviations turn out to be good things. I know career-wise that some odd choices in my 20s sent me off onto an entirely different career in international development that I couldn’t have imagined when I thought I wanted to be an accountant. (Or later, a journalist.)
October 13, 2022
I think it’s really important to talk about all these things. The more we hear, the more we realise life just sort of happens. It’s complicated and messy and difficult. Why we were raised with “You do this at school and then this happens and that happens’ is so weird, as for most people, it’s not how it happens. Even sometimes the people telling us that. I think talking about this stuff makes us realise how life is really quite arbitrary…will seek out the Missy Higgens thing. sounds interesting. (On a different tack, I think it’s like when people say “I would never do that” – I always think that’s just the story they’ve told themselves but in the right circumstances and conditions I think most of us would do pretty much anything but we like to think otherwise…)
October 13, 2022
True. We never know how we’ll react to something. And I guess we’re often surprised at those reactions – to bad news, change, a death etc. I used to be fine with change and have certainly done a lot of different things, changed jobs a lot, moved a lot but now I feel less resilient. I’m not sure if I feel that’s a short or long term response though. (And think I’ve written about how our resilience [or our ability to rewrite our stories I guess] can be diminished over time. Worn down if you like.)
October 13, 2022
I found this very thought provoking Deb and often wonder why things happen the way they do and how our expectations play a part in our lives. I like these insightful wonderings.
October 14, 2022
Thanks Debbie. And yes… those expectations can be pesky if we / our lives don’t live up to them.
October 13, 2022
I read your post earlier and I have been mulling over its content because of something you said “about always wanting to have kids/be a mum”.and sadly I know you couldn’t..because recently I was asked was I happy to be a mum (words like that) and to be honest, I was not that much at all. I was in love with the idea of babies and kids when I was mid teen to late teen…and then boom pregnant with child, then marrying now husband at 21 and life for me changed irrevocably. I could write and write more but I did cover much of it in Telling My Story. What I love now about my 70s is my “freedom” from day today responsibilities like work, caring and more. I know it’s got its lonely times too but I think more than anything I never felt I had “me time”. All that aside, when you write from the heart I find it so very interesting and I so understand “grieving the life I thought I might have had”. Thank you for sharing your post in the Wednesday’s Words and Pics link up for this week and being part of the #WWandPics Community.
Hope to see you next week too.
Denyse.
October 14, 2022
As an outsider I sometimes think it’s obvious who’s naturally maternal / paternal or revels in parenthood (their children are the centre of their universe) vs those who become mothers and fathers and love their children but don’t ‘live’ for them, if that makes sense. I don’t think one is better than the other and sometimes wonder how it plays out in adult parent-child relationships.
October 16, 2022
What a powerful post, Deborah. I suspect none of us has the life we thought we would have. I am divorced and now happily remarried, but I certainly couldn’t have imagined all that happened in between the first wedding and my life today. I also left the religion of my youth, which figured heavily into the life I imagined. I’m not sure I ever properly grieved some of the losses I have experienced, but I do feel like I’ve accepted that my story is full of twists and turns and all of them contribute to the richness of life. I’m happy for you that you can now accept where you are today. I agree that where we find ourselves is a combination of fate and choices we’ve made along the way. Good luck to you in this next chapter!
October 17, 2022
Thanks Christie and I guess I do wonder if anyone is able to properly grieve the loss of their dreams, as opposed to just being forced to move on. Or perhaps some grieve too long and wallow. I feel like I was at risk of that but thankfully made some big changes so have been forced to do so.
October 16, 2022
Hi Deb – I can feel your heart in this post and want to give you a hug. I think that the majority of us have stories in us that didn’t play out the way we’d expected. We make adjustments and live really good lives, but we know deep down in our hearts that we wish for something “more” (and feel like we’re being a bit greedy wanting it?) I know I’d expected that my children would go to the city to study and then circle back home – neither did and neither ever will. I expected to be a part of a blossoming family unit, but our daughter and SIL have decided not to have children (he just had a vasectomy to seal the deal). The losses aren’t as deep as yours, but they still bring a little grief with them.
You’ve made a wonderful life for yourself, and I hope that you’ll figure out how to let go of the losses and start celebrating the beauty of what you created in their place. xx
October 17, 2022
Leanne I came back to be near my hometown in my early-mid 40s so your kids might return closer to home yet! And one of the reasons I did that was because I was conscious mum was ageing. My dad had just died and she’d been his carer and I felt bad she’d had the burden of that over the years. She knows I’ll stay here now while she’s with us but perhaps not after that. And that will be another turning point for me as I’ll essentially be alone and have to make my way in the world with no safety net or supports. (Which will be scary, terrible and weird.)