I wrote a while ago about the TV documentary series 7-up (14-up, 21-up…. etc) and commented that I liked the idea of looking at life in summary format. It makes the negatives less dire, and allows me to focus on the positives. But more recently I’ve been pondering about how differently those years can pan out. They can reflect periods of consolidation or of significant change.
It’s my brother and sister-in-law’s 30th wedding anniversary today. Thirty years is a bloody long time and I can’t believe sooooo much time has passed since I participated in my first bridesmaid duties.
But – as it happens – I’d already been struggling with the time / space vortex thingy as East Timor (Timor Leste) one of our neighbours, is celebrating 20 years since the country voted for its independence.
That in itself has been a mind-fuck for me. I was posted to Dili (East Timor) in 1999 during my days as a diplomat. TWENTY YEARS?! I remember much of my two years there like it was yesterday, or at least only a few years ago.
Again, that’s not my point.
What I found most strange was the fact that these two events – my brother’s wedding and my East Timor posting – took place only ten years apart.
Because so much bloody happened during that time. If I think back across my 51 years that period of time from my early/mid twenties to my early/mid thirties was a time of massive change for me.
1989
I was just finishing university when my brother got married so still a full-time student. Upon graduation, I went to the far north of the state to work for government for a couple of years (child protection and youth justice) before returning to my childhood hometown to work for local government for a few years.
1994
During this time I started pondering the meaning of life and feeling as if I needed to do ‘more’, so in 1994 I applied to the Australian Volunteer Abroad program (like the Peace Corps or VSO for overseas readers). What came next was a two year posting to Mozambique in south-eastern Africa. It ended a little early (and I was initially supposed to do a UN Volunteer stint in Angola – also in southern Africa, but to the west), though it fell through and after a few months at home I accepted a one-year posting to Phnom Penh in Cambodia.
I’ve talked about my time there before. I left in the lead up to that country’s coup d’etat just 7-8 months after I arrived. I was starting to feel a bit cynical re what a volunteer with no budget or resources could actually accomplish.
1998
On my return home I’d now finished my MBA (which I’d been doing externally) and focused on project management, so went to work for the Australian Government’s Aid Program in Canberra. A year and a half later I applied for the posting to East Timor and was successful.
Sure the previous 10 years had seen me finish high school and leave my hometown to go to Uni; and the 10-15 years from 2000 on saw me change jobs many times and eventually make my seachange… but looking back now I’m agog at how much happened between 1989 and 1999. It was certainly a time of massive change for me – a decade of development. #pardonthepun
I’ve been talking a lot recently about values and I now realise this was the time they were last tested.
I still remember, in 1993-1994 realising I probably needed to start thinking about saving a deposit for a house. But, I wasn’t ready for that. I felt there had to be something more to life. Something more meaningful. I joked at the time about my quarter-life crisis. I’d eschewed the more traditional backpacking around Europe option because travel – as an action/end in itself – wasn’t something I wanted to do. I needed a sense of purpose.
Of course when my flat in Phnom Penh was shaking from bomb blasts (not too close, so I was safe) in mid-late 1997 I was given pause for thought again. I didn’t feel I was doing work worthy (for me and others) of remaining in such a volatile situation. In fact… I recall thinking, as I raced around packing my bags… “I’m not paid enough for this shit!”
It has to be said a lot of that decade of my life was very stressful. Not fun. But I realise now how those times really shaped my life. For better and worse. (Richer and poorer etc etc)
I guess for many, a similar time (ie. their 20s – 30s) when they got married, had kids etc were their most tumultuous Or perhaps not?
Linking up with Denyse Whelan again for Life This Week.
September 2, 2019
Gosh I relate to this post so much. I refer to my 20s, when I was in-and-out of university and various postings in Bangladesh, as my ‘lost decade’. Just going round in circles, or treading water. But I feel so much more happened then (and I lived more) than in my 30s.
September 2, 2019
Yes! Most of the next decade for me (until the lead up to my seachange in 2011-2012) was just spent working and paying my mortgage. It’s hard for me to think of ‘life-changing’ type moments. I remember events and things (I tried to get pregnant, bought and sold flats and moved) but nothing that challenged my mentally as much… (I think!)
September 2, 2019
My 20s-30s weren’t nearly as eventful as yours but I did become a bridesmaid for the first time, spend a year on a kibbutz and change teaching jobs with alarming regularity. I was definitely a late bloomer because I didn’t get married, have kids, heck, I didn’t even have a boyfriend in my 20s but they were definitely tumultuous I think because I thought I was all grown up but really I was just a little kid in a young adult’s body. I have felt much more settled in my 40’s – definitely my best decade yet 🙂 Fun fact, according to astrology, 28 is the magic number when heavy or big stuff happens – like with relationships, property, sea changes etc so that’s always a factor! (I’m sure Jo will correct me if I’m wrong!)
September 2, 2019
Nope, you’re absolutely spot on Sammie! 28 and 56 are the big years (Saturn returns) & about the gaining of maturity & responsibility cycles, but also 50 for other reasons…
September 2, 2019
Gah! My birthday is on 28th December… is that why life is so tumultuous!?
It sounds like your 20s and 30s were times of upheaval and change. Interestingly a lot of my closest friends didn’t meet their partners and have kids until late 30s and early 40s. I don’t know if I’d say my 40s were my best decade… perhaps that’ll be my 50s?
September 2, 2019
I think the stressful types of changes stretch us more and therefore make us remember more of that time as development. And yes, time is quiet but quick to pass by. A decade sounds like a long time but not really.
September 2, 2019
I’m only just realising I’ve been here (in my post seachange life) for 7 years Natalie and it’s weird as there’s no way it’s been 7 years. Part of me wonders what the hell I’ve been doing all of that time. I worked full time for one year. Part time for a couple of years and did a bit of contract work for another year or two, but…. ?!#@!
September 2, 2019
For some reason my comment timed out but I pretty much said that if I were to ever regret anything it would be the living overseas thing – I didn’t really travel much at all when I was younger & it didn’t occur to me to take time out & backpack. That decade for me was about fiishing uni, moving out, the career stuff, the house stuff, the commitment thing, responsibiities, mortgages, yadda yadda yadda
September 2, 2019
I was the same re backpacking. I couldn’t afford it when I first finished uni. Then was paying off a new car and then got to the point that I did the volunteer thing instead. Weirdly – going off overseas backpacking with no job options and limited money seemed way too irresponsible, but going to live in an non-English speaking country for 2yrs, having never travelled overseas before and living on a volunteer wage seemed like the right thing to do.
I think my priorities and responsibilities have been similar since. As you know – I didn’t do any overseas travel from 2002 to 2017. I wasn’t working full time for the last few years but the first decade of that time was spent paying my mortgage. Any spare money went on house stuff. And each time I made headway on my mortgage I tended up upgrade.
September 2, 2019
I think my 20s were very different to most. Certainly a lot more responsibility. You know when people have those “yay I reached 40 I finally don’t care what others thing” type posts/memes? I feel like my 20s taught me that. Unsure if being ahead of the curve is good or bad in that context.
September 2, 2019
I was definitely a late bloomer. I think I’ve mentioned on the blog before (if not I’m now oversharing) I suspect my anorexia from 15 – 20 or so meant that I delayed that transition from teenager to adulthood for longer than most. Having said that I also remember announcing to colleagues that (at 34yrs of age) I felt I was ready to now start dating and they thought I was hilarious…. (I wasn’t joking!)
September 2, 2019
Those years might have been quite tumultuous Deb, but they definitely would have shaped you and your life forward from there. The decisions and lifestyle we choose in our 20’s have far-reaching outcomes down the track. A lot depends on whether you tie yourself to a career, or a partner, or children, or travel etc – each is a fork in the road and sometimes one choice precludes another – and has it’s resultant regrets. I was never brave enough to tackle living overseas in 3rd world countries – and lived a less exciting life as a consequence, but I have no real regrets – we make our choices at the time – I wonder what we’d choose if we knew then what we know now???? Food for thought!
September 2, 2019
When I took my redundancy I considered getting back into international development work and doing short-ish stints in developing countries but – in all honesty – I remembered what it was like to live there and decided against it… even for just a few months at a time. I longed for normality (and normalcy) when I settled back into Australia in 2002.
September 4, 2019
I’m a big fan of life in Australia – 3rd world countries frighten me – especially if I was a woman living alone in one. I’m glad you’ve decided to play it safe these days.
Thanks for linking up with us at MLSTL and I’ve shared on my SM 🙂
September 5, 2019
It’s funny. When I was in Italy last year a lot of people I met were surprised I was travelling alone. I was told how brave I was which was weird given the relative safety of such a country. I guess there’s a lack of camaraderie and I certainly enjoyed the time I had with other writers while there!
September 2, 2019
I kinda envy the travel and excitement that others had in their 20’s and that the young people today have. I was married in 1985 at 20 (5 months before I turned 21) and then it was all about saving for our first home etc. By 23 I wanted to start a family but it wouldn’t happen and so then I wasted years being depressed and jealous about that (all my friends were having babies). Then at 28 I had twin boys and at 30 (nearly 31) I had my daughter … so by 1995 I had 3 kids and my 30’s were spent raising babies and children and eventually trying to juggle working as well. Times have changed – my daughter is horrified by how young I was when I married. It was quite normal back then! lol
September 3, 2019
I was certainly far from settled in my 20s… though when I was at high school am fairly sure I assumed I’d go to uni, work for a while, get married have kids, return to work etc… all by my 30s. Of course that didn’t happen.
I know there’s often discussion / debate over whether it’s best to do the wanderlust thing BEFORE settling, or have kids, raise them and THEN travel. I suspect everyone is different and a lot of it happens by circumstance rather than planning.
September 3, 2019
My 20’s probably should feel like big years – married, 4 of 5 children, but I think I muddled through my 20’s and 30’s just doing what I expected to do, what was expected of me to do – when I hit my 40’s, I actually said at my 40th that this decade would be my decade – and it was, back to work full-time, started studying, lost weight, ran marathons – really found “me” and my confidence.
September 3, 2019
Ah yes, if I’d successfully gotten pregnant when I tried in my early 40s I would have been doing things in a completely opposite way. ‘Tied down’ essentially until I was 60. I love that you’ve now made time for yourself though.
September 4, 2019
As we look back on our life we often think If only I had done that or not done that. Whatever we did shapes the way we are. I believe that no matter what we did still brings us to where we are. There are paths in life that all get to the same point. We can think if we had gone down that other path then we would be in a different place. Just imagine for example 3 paths….we pick number 1….and then later on wish we had gone down number 2 or 3….each path ends at the same point….. #MSTL
September 4, 2019
Oh yes I like that… I often think about that ‘sliding doors’ / alternative universe thing and wonder how things might be different but I guess even if our lives ‘look’ different (more / less money etc) we probably end up with the same feelings of joy or unhappiness.
September 4, 2019
Isn’t it hard/strange whatever to look back?
I got married at 21, had my first child later that year, was already a full-time teacher and with my husband and child we taught and lived in remote communities all over NSW until the last year of our 20s. My husband became unwell so we needed to move to Sydney (my family was there too) and to buy our first house. Had our second child after some health challenges of mine in the year I turned 30…and then kept on career wise, doing degrees, etc and emotionally supporting my husband who was made to medically retire at 30. I won’t add more, because I have told some of this already.
However, I think “decades” like ours became different with say our daughter’s generation. She went to Uni, and had part time work, then married (HS boyfriend) went into teaching and by 25 was pregnant with her first child. So I became Grandma at 46. My daughter is now 48 and her 3 eldest all still live at home, aged 22,20 and 18, They have part time work or no work and one has a degree.
Life sure is different for everyone …as it is for you. Comparison is not helpful I feel…as I tell myself that because we don’t have a house of our own (yet) and we are 70.
Yours will continue to unfold as it does and I like reading your updates very much.
Thank you for linking up for Life This Week. Next week the optional prompt is Taking Stock, I hope you can join in again. Denyse.
September 5, 2019
I think I’ve mentioned before that my closest friends didn’t have kids until their late 30s, early 40s or another at all… so their (our) older years will look very different to others I suspect.
September 5, 2019
Hi there. You surely do have a gift for writing – I enjoyed every sentence, but the reading really made me realize what a tiny life I’ve lived. I can’t wait ’til your next post.
September 5, 2019
Oh thank you so much… such a lovely thing to say. x
September 5, 2019
Since retirement, I’ve been spending time thinking about my life… also in the decades approach. (In an effort to identify some put-aside dreams or passions, really.) Recently I shifted to thinking about my life journey via significant turning points. I’m struggling with finding for me (as you found for you) when/where values were tested and when/where there were significant personal insights. (Your “backpacking wasn’t what I wanted to do” insight.). I’m coming to realize so much of my life was meet societal/parental expectations, taking the default path, and being afraid of risk (opting for security). Now I wonder if it’s too late to change. Thanks for a thought provoking post.
September 5, 2019
I’ve always opted for security Pat. Even when I went to work in Africa I ‘knew’ I had a job (of sorts) to go to. And though I’ve changed jobs a lot, until my redundancy I’ve always had other things to go to. When my redundancy became likely and I contemplated my seachange my SIL asked if I’d do it even if I didn’t get the redundancy but I said that I couldn’t have afforded it (without a job to go to) otherwise.
September 5, 2019
Thank you for sharing your adventures! You are way braver than me! I think it’s interesting you knew the “regular” life wasn’t for you in this period of your life and you did what you wanted! I was married in my 20’s (regretfully) and I’ve always felt I missed out on this time of my life. Cheers to you!
September 5, 2019
I think others who were settled earlier are perhaps free-er in later years to do more. I know I often talk to friends who talk about the ‘travel before kids / family etc’ vs the ‘travel after the kids have left home’ but they’re still young enough to travel with minimal fuss. Certainly if I’d successfully had a child when I was in my early 40s I wouldn’t have been able to afford to travel for 20 or so years after that, maybe never again.
September 6, 2019
Wow, you’ve had an interesting career trajectory and life 🙂 I think we make decisions based on the information we have at the time – and in later years they might not seem the right decisions because we are different by then. We’ve lived in 11 different countries due to work, and sometimes I feel a sense of regret at not having had stability and constant friendships, but at the time we made the decision to be expats time and time again due to work, need and ultimately choice. I’m glad we travelled when we did, and as a nuclear family – though I know now that we broke the hearts of our extended kith and kin regularly. #MLSTL and Shared on SM
September 6, 2019
Yes, I know a lot of people from here who’ve settled overseas and I know at one point I imagined I would. I’d do it now, but not until my mum’s no longer with us. And maybe not FOREVER… I think it’s more a question for me of ‘what’s keeping me here?’ if there are other options.
But you’re certainly right about making the best decision we can with the info we have at that time!