There’s a quote by Annie Dillard that goes, ‘How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives.’
It popped into my head this morning. Or at least a related version around how I ‘spend’ my time. (Or not as it happens!)
Unfortunately I wasn’t feeling philosophical. Rather I was wandering aimlessly around my house wondering what I could, or should, be doing (other than eating).
It occurred to me that I’ve forgotten how I spend my time. Or I’ve forgotten how TO spend time.
But what does that mean I wonder? Perhaps I’ve forgotten how to enjoy myself. Worse still, how to live life.
So then, still far from philosophical, the
overthinking pondering begins…
I realise I’m bored but equally apathetic about the idea of going to ‘do’ something. I’m not sure what I could or should be doing anyway. Maybe I HAVE forgotten how to ‘live’.*
It was a bit confronting when I travelled back to Brisbane last weekend. It was my first weekend visit of the year. In the months preceding I’d seen online friends at bookish / other events and looked on in envy. But… once there I couldn’t be bothered. I caught up with my ‘best’ girlfriends for dinner. But essentially I spent all weekend lolling about. “I should do something.” I said to my mother and brother a couple of times. I had no desire to go shopping, but there are galleries and cafes. Things to do.
Instead I lay around and scrolled on my phone. Which is exactly what I do on weekends when I’m at my own place. I waste time on social media. More out of boredom than any desire to actually see what’s happening in the lives of others.
Is it just me, I wonder? Is it worse because I’m working from home every day and there’s a sense of same-ness about my days? Is it the fact I live outside of town and I’m apathetic about driving into town to do things? Is it just a symptom of depression… the apathy? ie. I’m bored shitless but too apathetic to do anything about it? Or am I just a home-body who needs to ease off on the no-reading/TV during the day rule and fritter weekends away in the same way I do my nights?
* And yes…. #firstworldproblems I realise
I also realise those parents rushing around with kids to many different sporting events and catching up on housework would envy my boredom.