I’ve talked in the past about my issues of self-worth. I’ve pondered A LOT on whether I deserve to be happy and about my worthiness. And well, quite frankly even I’m bored with that overly introspective shit.
I’ve spent much of the last two and a half years (post seachange) pondering my options—something which I realise, is a luxury. Do I opt for the scary route and pursue freelance writing; or do I find ‘some’ sort of job and write solely for pleasure?
I’m currently somewhere in between and haven’t committed to either.
I’ve been emailing to and fro with a US blogger I know (virtually) after reviewing her book. She knows I’m struggling a little at the moment and I explained I’d missed out on a job I thought I had a good chance of getting. It was full-time and not even vaguely my dream job, but they seem to be few and far between in my little part of the world. I explained my quandary.
I’m in no-man’s land at the moment, I said.
And she asked…
But are you happy now?
My first thoughts were to respond…
Of course I’m not happy! I’m unemployed, unsure of what I want to do, can do and will do! How could I be happy?!
But then I stopped. And I thought about it. Other than weight-issues which I’m ignoring in this post I realised, I am actually not unhappy.
I’m actually kinda happy. My problem is that I feel like I shouldn’t be.
My mad monkey mind went into overdrive. “How can you be happy Deborah, you’re not working. You’re not a fully functioning member of society. You have no legitimate excuse not to be working other than the fact no one wants to employ you. You don’t know where your next dollar is coming from. You may not be able to pay your bills!”
And yet again I ponder this my perception that it’s not okay to be okay if things aren’t perfect.
I remember many years ago (a decade perhaps) going to a speed dating event and meeting a guy who was unemployed. I was gobsmacked. Why on earth would he be looking for a partner while his life is in disarray I wondered? What could he offer her / me?
Fear not, I’m not thinking of dating but I am considering my habit of putting life on pause… for whatever reason. Indeed, I’ve done so for much of my life because of my weight, because of where I’ve lived, and so forth.
And suddenly I’m 47 years old. How on earth did that happen?!
Who knows what’s around the corner? Perhaps it IS okay to be happy now. Despite everything…
Do you put things on hold for various reasons?
Are you happy NOW?
Linking up With Some Grace again today.
* Image by fulafoto photography. I thought the quote was from Carrie Bickmore, but she said Asher Keddie, so…?!
May 8, 2015
You should be happy now (tho I hear you on the job thing – I went for a job that was a 5th of what I used to earn, but perfect in every other way, and I was perfect for it, and I DIDN”T EVEN GET AN INTERVIEW!!! so that sent me into a spiral!) Will tweet you something else I wrote that you might be interested in. You and I are paddling the same canoe at the moment….just different oars.
May 8, 2015
Thanks for the link Lydia and I could very much relate (couldn’t leave a comment though!).
This job was the same – paid about 1/3-1/2 of what I previously earned, and yet…. *sigh*
Fortunately it wasn’t my dream job so I wan’t too devastated. I think it’s more the rejection than anything!
May 8, 2015
Oh goodness I adore this right down to the unemployed speed dating guy It’s more than ok to be happy when things aren’t perfect. It’s fantastic. I’m so glad we’ve connected.
May 8, 2015
Thanks Carla. I’d started responding to the final email the other day but then it got me thinking. And thinking…. x
May 8, 2015
The only things that hold me back from doing what I want to do are time/money-and am bordering on ecstatic currently as we are traveling to Chicago tomorrow to help my daughter celebrate her Master’s in Art Therapy from the Chicago Art Institute!
May 8, 2015
I think I read something recently saying the only thing which isn’t infinite is time. Everything else is negotiable. (Or something like that!!!)
Deb
May 8, 2015
Oh and when I come back I get to do tons of paperwork to finish up my 39th year of working with Special Needs kiddos (preschoolers!)
May 8, 2015
Wow! That’a long and impressive run!
May 8, 2015
There’s nothing more draining than financial insecurity, well, other than coping with illness and suchlike.
Here’s just a thought, have you thought of challenging yourself in a different way? Maybe by getting a part time summer job working at something completely different. I did that once, mornings I cleaned hotel rooms, evenings I worked in a cafe. Other than doing the jobs as well as I could, I had no responsibilities, and as it was so far removed from my usual career it was so refreshing! I actually learned Some useful skills and met some lovely people. Not much money, but keeps you going while you plan your next step.
May 8, 2015
Oh yes Bec I’ve been looking at a lot of things which have been very different to my career in government and as a project manager. And you’re very right… Doing something completely different is very refreshing.
May 10, 2015
Just caught up with the posts here, when I’d done with waitressing and chambermaiding ( if we can still use those job descriptions which I doubt, but don’t care) I went back to uni and did my masters degree, for a girl who left school at 15, that’s not bad. I put it down to rebooting my brain!
Sometimes we just have to kick our own backsides. I know you will find your feet
May 8, 2015
I really relate to you on the job front. I’m between a rock and a hard place and going back to uni. Thanks for your honesty as always Deb xx
May 8, 2015
You’re welcome Liz…. And back to Uni – I’m very intrigued!
May 8, 2015
Wel from a women who is pushing 47 (so my partner continually reminds me). I am all for finally accepting that I hadn’t planned to be here in my life yet I am quite enjoying it.
May 8, 2015
Oh that’s wonderful Sally. I’m not where I thought I’d be or like to be so was also surprised that I was happier than expected.
May 8, 2015
That guy must have had some serious inner confidence to be speed dating when he was unemployed. Good on him. I wish I had that chutzpah! There’s your answer. Do the opposite of what’s conventional as long as it makes you happy!
May 9, 2015
Yes, though sadly most of us worry too much about what others think…. #alas!
May 8, 2015
I love this! I think I often think I can only be happy when I have x, y and z in a line. But you are right you can and should be happy with where you are now! I think your seachange was such a wise decision! Had to laugh at the speed dating guy!
May 9, 2015
I’ve always been the same Jess. I thought it was mostly to do with my weight, but it seems it isn’t!
May 9, 2015
Absolutely enjoy the happy, Deb! I think we seem to think we need all these things, but do we really?
I bet if you just go with it and let yourself be open, opportunities will start presenting themselves.
Wonder what happened to the speed dating guy?
May 9, 2015
He’s probably happily married with kids Lisa and I’m sure there’s a lesson in that!
May 9, 2015
This is really insightful Deb. I reckon that you recognising your happiness in the midst if imperfection is ‘perfect’, because we can only move forward and be happier when we are already content and accepting of our situation. But it does suck the job stuff – I fear that is what happens all to frequently once we hit mid-forties.
May 9, 2015
Yes… thankfully I don’t regret taking the redundancy and making my seachange Kathy. I just underestimated how hard it would be to find part-time work in my new world!
May 11, 2015
Awesome post, really makes me think about my own situation and how I think about things. Thank you!
May 11, 2015
I’ve talked a lot about this issue with my middle son. I do think it’s possible to be happy even though life isn’t quite where you want it. As long as the things that you’re dissatisfied with don’t outweigh the good stuff then I figure the scales are weighted on the side of happiness.
May 11, 2015
I had the conversation with my mum this morning… given that it was Monday and I could potter about her place before returning to Hervey Bay without the stress of Monday work. I know I can’t continue to exist as I am (no money) but it reminded me of that trade-off—having more time vs having more money. I’d started to slip back into thinking the latter was important (again), but am reminded that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I know I’ve only worked FT for 25 or so years, but that kinda feels like long enough!
May 13, 2015
It is more than okay for you to be happy now, Deb. I think society conditions us to believe that if we’re not of a particular social stance (employed, with assets, a mortgage) then how could we possibly be happy? But I guess it’s up to us to make our own standards and by doing that we have the liberty to define our own sense of happiness. Big hugs x
May 14, 2015
Thanks Grace.