I’ve talked in the past about my issues of self-worth. I’ve pondered A LOT on whether I deserve to be happy and about my worthiness. And well, quite frankly even I’m bored with that overly introspective shit.
I’ve spent much of the last two and a half years (post seachange) pondering my options—something which I realise, is a luxury. Do I opt for the scary route and pursue freelance writing; or do I find ‘some’ sort of job and write solely for pleasure?
I’m currently somewhere in between and haven’t committed to either.
I’ve been emailing to and fro with a US blogger I know (virtually) after reviewing her book. She knows I’m struggling a little at the moment and I explained I’d missed out on a job I thought I had a good chance of getting. It was full-time and not even vaguely my dream job, but they seem to be few and far between in my little part of the world. I explained my quandary.
I’m in no-man’s land at the moment, I said.
And she asked…
But are you happy now?
My first thoughts were to respond…
Of course I’m not happy! I’m unemployed, unsure of what I want to do, can do and will do! How could I be happy?!
But then I stopped. And I thought about it. Other than weight-issues which I’m ignoring in this post I realised, I am actually not unhappy.
I’m actually kinda happy. My problem is that I feel like I shouldn’t be.
My mad monkey mind went into overdrive. “How can you be happy Deborah, you’re not working. You’re not a fully functioning member of society. You have no legitimate excuse not to be working other than the fact no one wants to employ you. You don’t know where your next dollar is coming from. You may not be able to pay your bills!”
And yet again I ponder
this my perception that it’s not okay to be okay if things aren’t perfect.
I remember many years ago (a decade perhaps) going to a speed dating event and meeting a guy who was unemployed. I was gobsmacked. Why on earth would he be looking for a partner while his life is in disarray I wondered? What could he offer her / me?
Fear not, I’m not thinking of dating but I am considering my habit of putting life on pause… for whatever reason. Indeed, I’ve done so for much of my life because of my weight, because of where I’ve lived, and so forth.
And suddenly I’m 47 years old. How on earth did that happen?!
Who knows what’s around the corner? Perhaps it IS okay to be happy now. Despite everything…
Do you put things on hold for various reasons?
Are you happy NOW?
Linking up With Some Grace again today.
* Image by fulafoto photography. I thought the quote was from Carrie Bickmore, but she said Asher Keddie, so…?!