I shared something from A Life in Progress on my Facebook page recently. I didn’t like myself much I said. And I didn’t mean it in a glib, “I hate my thighs” kinda way. More in a, “I have weaknesses or bad habits I’m aware of but haven’t overcome,” kind of way. Indeed I’ve written before about my propensity to ‘play the victim’ and of course the whole pity vs envy thing.
I withdrew a little from an online chat group earlier this year. A friend and I sensed the group had become distant. Of course because I make everything about me (in a good and bad way) I decided it was my fault. I’d been whining too much, I decided. I was too negative and just too annoying to be around.*
At the time I knew this was both an over-reaction and entirely plausible. I’ve talked in the past about my confidence and the fact I’m a people-pleaser who assumes negativity around me is my fault. But on the other hand, my habit of sharing EVERYTHING I’m thinking means, when anxious I talk about that thing constantly.
Fast forward to a discussion with a very close (and old friend) about my jobless situation. As I mentioned in last week’s post, I’m trying hard not to remain calm about the fact I’ve now been unemployed for almost nine months. Although I’m stressed beyond belief, I also need to be able to appear nonchalant (or at least not desperate) so employers queue for my talents and see me as highly desirable. 🙄
I mentioned to the friend that a couple of positions had come up with a former employer but I hadn’t had even gotten any interviews.
It was my greatest fear realised, I practically wept…. “I’m stupid and did a crappy job and didn’t realise it. Everyone thought badly of me and no one told me what a bad job I did.”
She knew I’d been disappointed that my contract there hadn’t been extended though my contemporaries all assumed it would be (to the point it annoyed me that they reassured me so much when I preferred to remain pessimistic).
Could it have been your attitude?” my friend asked. “Were you behaving passive-aggressively about finishing up?”
Hmmm… I had to ponder. I’m usually willing to confront my own behaviour; though sometimes do remain in denial.
“I’m not sure,” I told her.
But I’ve thought about it a lot since.
I know I didn’t mean to act that way but I recently re-read a post about ‘learnings from fat camp’ and it reminded me of a lesson I don’t seem to learn… and that’s my habit of verbalising my fears. Again and again. (As an aside, at fat camp I obsessed about upcoming challenges, mostly involving mountains and hills!)
I thought back to my local friend chat group and my fear that I’d hijacked the conversation with my fears about running out of money and having no job.
I recently re-read a diary entry from this time last year which was a full 3-4mths before that full-time contract was due to finish. And yet, I was talking about how anxious I was starting to get that I ‘might’ (would, in retrospect) soon be unemployed.
It occurs to me, though I was busy at work (and stressed about one of the smaller projects I managed), I was completely obsessed by my impending unemployment and I suspect (in retrospect) I was unable to let that go.
The fact I remember colleagues constantly reassuring me that I’d be extended, is surely evidence I’d brought it up again and again.
Even now, I struggle to ‘be present’ when the anxiety of job hunting is plaguing me. I have all of this free time I’ve long desired but I’m not enjoying it.
I might not struggle with full-blown anxiety like many, but I realise I need to find a better way of dealing with anxious thoughts – other than stifling them with food or verbalising them again and again.
Of course I don’t really know how much (if any) my obsessing impacted on how people perceived me in my old job. Perhaps it’s mostly in my mind and it’s yet another case of making everything about me, when really it’s just that the jobs that have come up since haven’t been a good fit. Or – of course – that I did a really bad job when I was there and no one wants to touch me with a ten foot pole!
Do you ponder your less-likeable traits? Do you reflect on situations and regret how you behaved, even if it was unconscious or unintentional?
Linking up with Denyse Whelan again this Monday.
* I should mention I talked to another member of this group about my fears and she said they were completely unfounded…. I possibly need to add paranoia to my list of foibles.Â
June 24, 2019
I constantly obsess about my failures, so much so that when I was at the point of waiting for my final uni results to come through I wouldn’t let myself be positive about it. I really wasn’t certain if I’d passed. In the end I did. Family and friends then told me how confident they were I’d pass.
June 25, 2019
I’ve always joked that I try to be cynical / pessimistic so I won’t be disappointed, but at the same time am conscious that I’m not always ‘walking the walk’ if that makes sense. (That I let a sliver of hope in – despite saying the contrary – and then I’m sure to be disappointed!)
June 24, 2019
It’s hard NOT to obsess over the things that are causing us anxiety. I always say that our anxieties point to the things that are important to us (it’s my Pollyanna way of looking at anxiety). But how to put the handbrake on voicing those fears, every time they cross your mind…? Perhaps simply count to five before you say it? Chances are the conversation will have moved on and you’ll be able to keep your worries to yourself for half the time!
Not sure if you like podcasts but there’s one called Change Agent that looks at various problems with left-field solutions. Not sure that any of the episodes match your specific anxieties but I love the way they think. Perhaps it will spark some ideas for you?
June 25, 2019
Kate I’ll definitely check out Change Agent. I’ve not heard of it before. My biggest problem is that I become completely preoccupied with something so counting to five doesn’t really work as the worry is still there. But, I know what you mean… holding off on verbalising it. I know (when I was at fat camp and I realised this was something I did – it was the first time I’d realised it) I was able to stop myself from saying anything. It meant I still stressed and worried but kept it inside instead rather than annoy everyone around me!
June 24, 2019
Hi Deb I can be like you and am definitely a people pleaser. I want to fix everyone’s problems and sometimes that can become annoying to them and of course I feel bad then. I like Kate’s idea of counting to five before voicing our fears. I hope you have a good week and visiting from #lifethisweek
June 27, 2019
Yes, although then I added something to this morning’s post re late-night rumination I probably could have kept to myself as well. Must get better at not always sharing!
June 24, 2019
I go round and around about my failures and my fears but tend not to verbalise them as such. I’m not sure what’s worse though as people just assume things are ticketty-boo because I pretend that they are. I wish I could be more honest with others than what I am. Like you though, I assume it’s about me. I recall when we were at conference together you seemed so confident & I felt so like no one would want to know me & I was so glad you were there. Logically you might know that the reason you were overlooked was because the fit isn’t right, but that won’t stop the over-thinking. I wish I knew how to turn the switch off for you.
June 25, 2019
I’m pretty good at ‘playing’ confident. (Why I enjoyed the diplomatic life once upon a time perhaps!) I assume people see through it but many don’t. I still remember a yoga instructor here commenting on the fact she’d assumed I had no ‘body issues’ cos I seemed confident etc… I was astonished cos… well – my body issues are DEEEEEP and very ingrained!
A shrink I saw many years ago told me that – because I was an analytical thinker – I needed to logically ask myself if ‘what I think is true’ is true? Analyse it scientifically, in a sense. Of course that’s all well and good but then I overanlalyse it to death and wonder if I’m weighting my assumptions in a certain way etc.
June 24, 2019
First off I think it’s natural to be feeling a bit anxious about the job situation – 9 months or 9 days, the insecurity is undeniably unsettling. I would be feeling exactly the same if I was you. In fact, I do relief teaching and every time I don’t get called back, I think it’s because I’m terrible and they won’t touch me with a 10ft barge pole! And when I do get asked back, I’m terrified that they’ll find out I’m no good! What’s with that?! It’s hard to stop over thinking but I think getting those thoughts out of your head is a great place to start – maybe journalling or talking to a mental health professional, because having someone to offload to who has both expertise and is impartial is invaluable. They might also be able to help you with strategies to shut down the negative self talk. And if that doesn’t float your boat, how about just talking things through with a trusted friend/s? I have a very busy (and over reactive) brain and I know that when I talk with my husband or a friend and get their perspective, I see things very differently. Anyhoo, my comment has turned into an essay but in summary, go gently and be kind to yourself. You’re doing your best – remember that.
June 25, 2019
I’m thinking of restarting journalling (Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages) as a way of getting stuff off my mind.
It was funny as when this friend broached the passive / aggressive thing I could tell she was nervous about doing so. And I must admit I didn’t react at the time but became overly absorbed in the notion (quite horrified) in the hours and days after our conversation. I do know that I was offered a partial lifeline on my last day in that job – a half-hearted offer to come back at a lower level and do some work. I was horrified at the time as I was finishing up that day and about to go to Italy for my holiday and I’d been in a state of perpetual stress for months, so the fact it was mentioned as we were doing a handover horrified me at the time. They commented that I didn’t seem as grateful as they’d expected and I was honest… that they’d known I was finishing for ages and to spring this on me at the last minute felt a little unfair.
They didn’t contact me on my return so perhaps that was my chance and I blew it by not being grateful after all.
June 24, 2019
I ruminate over failings and poor choices. It’s hard to move on from some mistakes, the ones that involve a breach of trust or that hit a nerve. I agree with you, confronting your reaction or thoughts is the first step to breaking the negative thought cycle.
SSG xxx
June 25, 2019
You’re right, all I can really do now is learn from it. I’m in contact with colleagues from back then and they seem to think I’m not a complete cow or utterly inept, but I guess I do worry that there were things I should have done and didn’t. Or should not have done and did.
June 24, 2019
It’s funny how we see ourselves. I see you as honest, forthright and brave, which seems to differ from your perception of yourself. I really admire how you openly put voice to your fears, and I don’t see that as ‘whiny’ or being a ‘victim’ at all. You often voice things I’m feeling myself but haven’t had the courage to say.
On behaving like a fuckhead – I have very recent experience with this. My fears and insecurities recently led me to behave like a complete idiot with one of my dear friends. Luckily she is a better person than me and seems not to have taken my fuckwittery to heart!
June 25, 2019
Isn’t it weird, that self-perception thing?! I think I’ve written here about the fact I’ve always seen myself as really irresponsible and frivolous and mentioning it to my SIL once (back in the mid 1990s) and she was shocked and said I was the complete opposite. I’m not sure she’d say the same thing now, but it was interesting to me at the time that I’d very much assumed people thought something about me when they didn’t.
I love the fuckwittery comment. Wonder if I should email my old boss and apologise for my fuckwittery if they think that was how I behaved! 🙂
June 26, 2019
Be kind to yourself. xx.. some say over achievers are over thinkers…or perfectionists. who knows but I over think. I learnt a while ago that if something is really stressing me I try to think – it was a really good day, the MRI wasn’t too bad, the flight was amazing. I try and put myself ahead of time, for instance yesterday I had to have a MRI…petrified wasn’t the word. as I was laying inside the clunking machine with my insides cooking from within…I kept saying over and over again…I had a good day the MRI wasn’t too bad. did it work…well i survived it…a whole 45 mins inside that tiny capsule of a machine…visiting from MLSTP…midlife share the love party xx
June 26, 2019
I hope the results of your MRI are okay. And yes, I need to get better at focusing on the good stuff. As I mention in the post, I’ve spent most of my life in full-time work and dreamed of having time off. And yet, now I have time off and I’m not appreciating it because I’m stressing about a job and money. I should feel grateful I have these days to myself (not to mention the fact I’m not living on the street, have a nice house, car, friends and family and not yet broke!).
June 28, 2019
Thank you. Yes I hope so too, Im sure if there are any issues I will hear soon enough.
June 26, 2019
Anxiety is an awful experience, I find it can creep up on one and so it is no wonder that it ‘leaks out’ in conversations. I mostly experience it as body ailments – shallow breathing, raised heart rate etc. so I guess that protects me from verbalising too much, but it still isn’t nice. I have become increasingly anxious over the years, I don’t think I knew what the word meant when I was younger.
June 26, 2019
I guess I’ve always found it hard to differentiate between stress and anxiety. I’ve only ever had a couple of full-blown panic / anxiety attacks… for me it’s more a constant lurking beneath the surface meaning you can’t do / enjoy anything because it’s there.
June 26, 2019
Something I learned when I was in my most anxious state (when we moved here & I had no idea how much it would affect me psychologically) is that our brains/minds lie to us. And we believe those lies and so, perpetuates the cycle of dislike and truth not being true.
I found an app which is helpful for writing down the situation, emotions, feelings and score as is…then looking at what is driving me to think that way and then re-writing etc. It’s called Thought Diary. Have you done anything with anyone based on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT?) or Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT?). Both have helped me considerably to change those lies…and I continue to need to draw on them from time to time.
Dr Russ Harris book called The Happiness Trap is a great starting point. He also has an app called ACT Companion. Mostly when it’s what’s inside our heads, it is wrong or faulty. These strategies help right those wrongs. Email me or chat if you want to know more.
Thank you for linking up for #lifethisweek and next week’s optional prompt is Worst Job. Hope to see you link up again. Denyse.
June 26, 2019
Ah yes, it’s hard to know what to believe. I guess I tend to assume I’m pretty self-aware but I was shocked when my friend asked about the passive aggressive thing. I suspected everyone knew I was worried about the end of my contract (though equally excited about my Italy holiday!) but it made me ponder if – by raving on about it so much – I was trying to make everyone feel bad. Or something.
I have done CBT but haven’t heard of Acceptance Commitment Therapy. I’m not a big fan of non-fiction books but will google the App you mention! x
June 26, 2019
I feel you Deb! It must be incredibly scary to know you have a mortgage and all the normal bills etc and to not have a steady ongoing job. It sucks big time when you have so much to offer, but can’t nail that last thing that gets you through the door. I completely understand the re-hashing and overthinking – it’s something I specialize in too (and I know I’ve done it on my blog numerous times since I left work). My poor husband was sick to death of me after a couple of month’s worth of me going around and around the subject and what I should do next.
I still churn the “to work or not to work?” question over in my head – I want a job so I can say “see I’ve got a job” but don’t want a poxy, poorly paid, sucky job just so I can say I’ve got a job. I’m also worried that if I do get a job I’ll regret leaving this lovely flexible and peaceful time behind.
Overthinkers Unite! Hope you get some clarity and that a really lovely part-time perfect job comes along for you soon xx
Thanks for linking up with us at MLSTL (welcome to the party!!) and I’ve shared on my SM 🙂
June 26, 2019
I’m at the point where a poorly paid sucky job might be necessary and I feel really despondent that it’s come to that.
I actually had a call about something today but it was in Brisbane. I have actually indicated I’d do a month or two at a mid-level government officer job but not a low level one as it wouldn’t be worth me having to find people to stay with etc… And this person was really nice about my skills and experience which is something I’m starting to doubt. I guess there’s also the question of relevancy. My last senior government roles were now 6-7yrs ago so slotting back in might be more of a challenge than I expect (for something in that line of work).
But yes, mortgage, electricity, phone, soon it’ll be my rates then house and contents insurance. I’m actually lucky I’ve survived as long as I have without any income.
June 27, 2019
What an absolutely honest and open post you’ve written. Maybe you could look at this as a strength and not be so hard on yourself. Good luck with the job hunt.
#MLSTL
June 27, 2019
Thanks Lorraine! And yes… I did feel better having written it – or at least ‘owned’ those feelings.
June 29, 2019
Good luck with whatever your next step is Deb x
June 29, 2019
Thanks Lorraine! x
June 27, 2019
Hi Deb, how lovely of you to join us at #MLSTL and I always admire how honest your writing is. Sometimes you are too hard on yourself but I suppose that is the way we are aren’t we? It is a difficult time trying to find a job that is satisfying rather than wanting to just have something to pay the bills but in the long run doesn’t make you happy. Good luck with the job hunting and again lovely to have you join us. xx P.S. I tried to add the comment directly to you website but kept getting the message ‘Invalid security token’.
June 27, 2019
Hmm… this went into my spam filter so not sure why. And I’m definitely at the ‘something to pay the bills’ rather than ‘something to enjoy’ stage now I think. Which is kinda depressing.
June 27, 2019
I received an Invalid Security token message when I tried to comment through your blog. So I did it through wordpress. Maybe that has something to do with why it ended up in spam x
June 27, 2019
I suspect that you connect with a lot of people on this topic, but some like me are afraid to verbalize it. Thank you so much for discussing this type of anxiety. It helps people like me who have the same feelings. Good luck with the job search. I can tell from your post that you are a very intelligent person who feels things deeply. That can be a hindrance for people like us, but I think it also makes us more empathetic towards others. thanks for sharing.
June 28, 2019
I overthink everything so much Christina! I actually ran into an old colleague today and commented to her that perhaps my reputation in that last job wasn’t okay etc… and she reassured me, saying I’d done a good job, (yadda yadda yadda). I know she’s hardly going to tell me everyone thought I was crap, but I think as one’s confidence erodes it’s increasingly easy to doubt oneself!
July 8, 2019
I’m slowly catching up on your posts and I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to comment earlier. I know what you mean re needing to manage worries in a different way – I go through phases of seeking reassurance from everyone despite knowing I’m not really managing the worries appropriately. The reassurance-seeking is negatively reinforcing and all we learn is that it is the only way to calm the anxiety. Alternatively, avoidance through eating, self-medicating, distracting etc is also short-term. If there’s one thing I learnt professionally and which I try my best to apply personally, it’s about allowing those worries to come and go without necessarily getting hooked on to it. There’s a difference between worrying and problem solving. If it’s an issue we can actually ‘solve’ or come up with solutions for, we are better off trying to figure it out on pen and paper. Else, it’s about being mindful about those worries and catching ourselves before it spirals completely. I made use of a Worry Time app as well to help a bit. I can talk to you more about this as it did help me with a particular worry a while ago. But I do hear you re how difficult it can be and how the worry then, can spiral into self-loathing and depression
July 9, 2019
Ah yes, I’m terrible when it comes to ‘sitting with my feelings’ Sanch. I mean, I know I should and I know they’ll pass or I should find some way to distract myself (that doesn’t involve food and wine). I must check out the Worry Time app because that sounds like something I could use!