Something’s turned lately. I’m not sure what it is but I’ve started second-guessing decisions I’ve made and thinking about my future. Perhaps my mother’s fears about my unemployment and financial situation have rubbed off on me. Or maybe I’ve been overthinking again: should I be pursuing a career and focusing on financial security; or just paying my bills and enjoying life?
I’ve actually started writing something about that. Unsurprisingly it’s “WTF have I done with my life?” themed. And a reminder I need to stop going on LinkedIn because former colleagues and those who worked for me are doing great things…. while I remain unemployed. And perhaps unemployable.
However… I had a conversation with my bestie yesterday and was reminded that, though I might have been in some sort of (contented) limbo these past eight years, from the outside looking in, my life looks pretty good. And I realise this sounds arrogant, but—fuck it—I EARNED IT! I didn’t inherit it, I wasn’t handed it. I did it all. Alone!*
When I first made my seachange I bought a nice apartment right on the beach. One of the reasons I ultimately left was because of the onsite manager who was devoid of social skills. Another resident hosted drinks not long after I arrived. I said something about not having a job but that it was okay at the moment as I had savings and no mortgage. The onsite manager commented that I was lucky and must have done well out of the divorce.
I can’t remember what I said at the time, but realised later he was the sort that assumed a woman couldn’t be successful (or at least, do okay) on her own.
The incident has stuck with me and as I’ve been feeling ‘down’ about my circumstances / lack of achievements I’ve been trying to remind myself of what I do have. Until recently I had a car I adored and I love my house. The latter brings me great joy. (And stress, but this is meant to be a positive post!)
I might not currently have any money but—in many ways—I am very privileged. It’s true but what I wanted to say to idiot apartment manager and what I need to remember when I’m feeling like I’m treading water and have let myself down is that: I worked in stressful jobs and holidayed at home for over a dozen years to focus on paying my mortgage and get ahead. I know I didn’t have kids so there wasn’t that financial burden but there was also no one to share my mortgage, rates, insurances payments and the like.
But this isn’t meant to be a moan about my singledom. I’m attempting to dig myself out of the ‘I’m a huge fucking failure’ hole. Because…
The watch I’m wearin’, I’ve bought it
The house I live in, I’ve bought it
The car I’m driving, I’ve bought it
I depend on me, I depend on me
I don’t know what lies before me. Career-wise, options are very limited where I live now. But increasingly my decisions are values-based and I’ve talked before (a lot) about freedom and life balance versus financial security.
However, although this Destiny’s Child song will now be stuck in my head for days, I’m trying to remind myself that even though my life might not look like I thought it would…. it still looks pretty good. And I did that. Me.
I’m steering clear of the: is it more expensive to be single vs a couple debate here and not wanting to shame those who worry they’ve not contributed as much (financially) in their relationships. For me this is more about trying to celebrate stuff I have achieved while still acknowledging I might not be where I want to be. Can you relate?
* Regular readers will know that my independence (singledom) isn’t by choice. Sadly it’s by circumstance.
November 12, 2020
Great post Deb. I volunteer in palliative care, and write biographies for people in the last stage of life. What strikes me with every person I meet is that they don’t talk about work. We spend so much time thinking work and career defines us (and what goes with that ie. material things, status symbols) but I see no evidence of that when it gets to the end. Instead, it’s values, relationships, what we are passionate about
November 12, 2020
It’s something I’ve grappled with since taking my redundancy and making my seachange Kate…. I think I spent so much of my life trying to ‘get ahead’ and be financially secure that it’s hard to switch that off. And though I have some regrets that I dedicated so much of my life (and time and mental and emotional self) to my job/s I’m grateful that it meant I did leave that life with some security (house, car, debt-free etc).
I think I just panic sometimes now about the coming years. And though I keep saying I’d be happy to do any old thing (to just pay the bills), I’m not sure I would. I think my ego might be too out of control. But I hope not.
November 12, 2020
Firstly, it’s not arrogant to celebrate and be proud of your achievements. (I’ve told you before, you need to Kanye it up). Secondly, you have a house at the beach, something many people only ever dream about – and what a dickhead that RE agent was. You are studying, you are on top of things (whether you see it or not). For the record, a lot of my friends are married with kids but are going through exactly the same ‘what have I done with my life’ thing. I think there comes a point in women’s lives (and men’s but it’s at a different age) where we start to feel time is running out and we’ve done nothing important. So it’s not necessarily about being single. It’s age in my opinion.
As for ‘shoulds’, only you can make the should. Societies rules don’t really work for people. I would say if you are enjoying life, you are a success. In Mel Robbin’s Kick Ass, she says if you’re at cross roads for work (or taking a quantum leap), ‘go back to what you found easy or energised you’. I would say, what energises you and gives you pleasure is probably the thing to do. There’s no report card when you die. You self-assess so make sure you’re using the right rubric.
November 12, 2020
Love the Beyonce btw. Practice that for your confidence.
November 12, 2020
So many great points Lydia. All of my working life all I wanted was time off. I envied anyone who didn’t work full-time or work full stop. I fantasised about being able to do what I want during the day and go out to lunch etc. And yet – I know I don’t have the money to frivolously lunch out often etc – I feel guilty being at home and doing nothing. As you probably know I don’t allow myself to read or watch tv during the day because of some insane sense that I SHOULD be more productive.
Thankfully study has given me some purpose again, though of course I’m conscious I’m wracking up some hefty student loans / debt which may not pay off if jobs aren’t in the offing.
November 12, 2020
Deb, You are not in a failure hole. You’ve achieved a lot on your own. It takes strength and multiple skills to be an independent woman. You’ve got this. I’m sure you’ll figure out your next steps and yeah, don’t believe everything you see on LinkedIn. #lovinlifelinky
November 12, 2020
Ha true Natalie. I often worry I’m doing it ‘wrong’ as I tend to undersell myself rather than act as if I’m doing fabulously well – particularly when I’ve pursued my own freelance writing stuff. I know people who struggle but sound like they’re not.
November 12, 2020
You’re far from a failure! As you’ve pointed out – you have done everything on your own! The clothes and shoes you wear, the food you eat, the car you drive, the house you live in, the furniture and contents within it and more have all been brought into being by you! The interesting thing is that I have the very same dialogue go on in my head – I feel like I’ve been floundering around these last 8 years. I feel like a failure and that I’m wasting my life. I think it’s a common thing to start questioning our life decisions and our current status quo as this phase of life maybe? Anyway – the point is – you’re not a failure at all. You’ve done incredibly well and yep – stay off LinkedIn!
November 12, 2020
It feels a bit wanky to have to remind myself of what I have…. (although I realise I’m distinguishing it from what I’ve achieved!) and that it’s not ‘luck’. I often think of myself as lucky but realise I have ‘earned’ what it is I do have. (Which sounds stupidly self-congratulatory or self-satisfied or something. Not sure I’m properly conveying the sense that I feel like I should be allowed to take a break / rest on my laurels for a while… or ever. If I can afford it.)
November 12, 2020
Yes you deserve to enjoy what you’ve got and you’ve worked hard for it all Deb. Well done you on articulating this and celebrating it. Everyone does things differently and you’re in a good place despite your concerns.
November 12, 2020
Thanks Deb.
November 12, 2020
Hi Deb – I know exactly how you feel – while I may have had a husband to help bring in the bacon, he and I have both worked in random jobs doing random hours and probably most of the time pulled in an average full-time wage between us. Despite earning very ordinary wages, we focused on paying off our mortgage and spending wisely. And it’s paid off. Like you, I doubt I’ll be working much in the future, I’m getting older and less appealing to employers these days. People assume that we must have had some big $$ to be where we are, but it’s just from frugal living and wise spending – and I totally agree that we deserve to reap the benefits after all the years of putting in the hard yards.
I may not have lived the high life, but what I have now is pretty darn fine – and I won’t apologize to anyone for living life on my own terms – and I also intend to relish the absolute luxury of not having to answer anymore to the a***h**les that I’ve worked for over the years – life is very pleasant and we don’t know how long we have on this earth – so enjoy it my friend – because others would kill to have what we have – and you earnt every penny of it! xx
November 12, 2020
Yes. In reality I was lucky I didn’t have any desire to travel over the 10-15yrs I focussed on my mortgage. And I was happy to holiday at home and just have time off work or head to my parents. When I was growing up we never stayed at hotels or motels (other than for basketball tournaments) on holidays. We always holidayed with family so travel hasn’t been a priority for me. Of course I was lucky that I lived overseas for a while and travelled while there.
November 12, 2020
Oh what a refreshing and realistic post Deb. You so are not the wanker. I think you, like us, live in a community which does not quite ‘get having a profession’ as a career nor being an independent woman. So, trust that. You are not alone. I rarely bring up what I did for a career (the principal bit) unless I need to these days but I still enjoy that others might know as see me as an educator because I have not lost that passion. I like reading your words. Don’t stop!
Denyse.
November 12, 2020
Yes, the onsite manager was in his early 70s at the time so a different generation. And I’m glad you’re still passionate about your old career Denyse. I certainly cannot say the same but struggle a bit now to know what that was…
November 13, 2020
Great post! I think most of us can relate to your feelings of “I should be doing more”. I retired 3 years ago after teaching for 31 years. I sometimes feel guilty about not working but I’m enjoying my laid-back lifestyle. And I get to spend time on blogging, where I have met so many interesting people. Don’t allow someone else to take your happiness away. That manager was probably dealing with his own baggage. If you’re living the right life for you, don’t worry. If not, you can always make a change! My 2 cents! 🙂
November 13, 2020
Hi Laurie, I’m starting to realise that I need to consider more whether I’m feeling disenchanted or guilty because of my own feelings, attitudes and values or those of others… x
November 14, 2020
I think that knowing everything you have is from your own efforts in awesome. Honestly Deb, I find it inspirational, how you do everything on your own. Am drawing on it at present!!!
November 14, 2020
Awwww… thank you Theresa. That’s lovely. Last week was one of those weeks – my water bill didn’t make sense and I needed to follow up and look for leaks, I had stuff happening around the house and I’ve hurt my achilles tendon so I really just wanted someone else to do some shit for me. But of course… that’s not possible.
One thing I do miss about working and being more financially sound is being able to outsource stuff that I couldn’t do or that I preferred not to do. I think it used to save my sanity when I worked long hours. I had a cleaner even though I lived alone because I didn’t want to spend my precious free time cleaning, for eg. Now I have a mower man who comes when my yard gets out of control, but if I had more $ I would get him more often and get him to tidy my out-of-control gardens and lop some trees, kill some bamboo etc.
PS. You’ll be fine. Exciting times ahead for you. Stressful I’m sure, but also exciting.
November 16, 2020
Those are incredible achievements and you need to celebrate. As you said, you earned it! Also, this comment “I was lucky and must have done well out of the divorce.” made my blood boil!!! As a fellow-single, albeit at a different life stage, I empathise and understand a fair bit. I remember when the job situation happened and my role got made redundant (along with other state team leaders), everyone else had the option of taking the redundancy because their partners/husbands all still had jobs. I didn’t have that fallback option and therefore chose the demotion over quitting. Because if I don’t work, no one is going to pay my rent and mortgage and bills. Spending your money on what brings you joy makes perfect sense as you’ve worked hard for it. Some day, I hope to be there too with my mortgage paid off. Good on you for all you’ve done and if you’re not working right now, that’s fine!
November 17, 2020
Thanks Sanch. It’s a matter of rethinking how I define success I suspect…
November 19, 2020
I think what you’ve achieved is amazing!! I look at your house and location and ability to work or not work … and think “hell yeah! She’s amaze-balls”
It’s always different from the outside looking in though, isn’t it.
I’m having my own “what the F have I done” moments with the new house, the new mortgage, a job with a salary LESS than I was earning 15 years ago (despite inflation) … and now (while I’m extremely proud) the fact my daughter will potentially be earning more than me in her first job because I’m starting again as a mature age lady 15 years after the first career. Eek! Kind of like you looking at your Linked In friends. I’m looking at my colleagues – those I used to oversee and mentor – and realise they are earning almost double what I’m earning now.
Then I remind myself, I chose work/life balance. I chose that my work was not going to define me and my worth. I can’t have it both ways.
Anyway, didn’t really want to write a novel. But I did want to say I hear you … and while my situation is very different because I’m part of a partnership …. I do have some of the same feelings.
Cheers to us!
xoxo