A ‘memory’ from 2010 popped up in my Facebook feed on the weekend. In it I was commenting on the excellent service we’d had from a Brisbane hospital while my father was having six weeks of radiotherapy.
My mum and dad alternated weeks with my brother and I, and the hospital arranged night visits so we could take them there. My mother was comfortable driving around Brisbane at the time but the hospital is in the inner city and with new tunnels and bypasses it was a bit confusing to reach
When I think back to that time I’m struck by one particular memory. At the time I was working as an Executive Officer to a deputy head of a government agency and it was an always-frantic role.
Although the hospital did its best to accommodate us, on one occasion they had to reschedule one of his appointments to an afternoon. It was last minute and my mum was a tad panicked about getting to the hospital. We decided they could get taxis. (This was before Uber.) But I could tell they were nervous about the logistics.
It made complete sense for me to take the afternoon off and drive them. But…. I was busy at work. I was actually doing my boss’s performance agreement, to be signed by the Director-General which was due the following day. Of course it’s ridiculous that I was writing it in the first place, rather than him, but he’d left it to the last minute and as I was responsible for our reporting and strategic planning I knew what he was supposed to achieve that year.
Eleven years later I recall being consumed with angst. In tears. Guilty that I wasn’t able to help my parents and frustrated that I felt obliged to put my job first. Worse still I felt I was working on something I shouldn’t have had to do.
In the end I took the afternoon off and worked that night instead but I remember the inner turmoil vividly.
I didn’t have kids or a partner. My parents had health issues but nothing that had me choose between my personal life and work. I always put work first in my old life. I’d rarely travel on holidays, choosing to just take time off, so I’d allow myself to be flexible agreeing to ‘wait and see’ how busy things were before taking leave. I recall MANY times texting my parents or friends on a Friday afternoon as I travelled home via bus to tell them that nothing had come up at work and I was indeed taking the next week off.
I moved into another job not long after this incident. But when I look back I think it was the beginning of the end for me. Or perhaps the beginning of the beginning. I started questioning my priorities and my future.
As I’ve gotten older (and wiser) I’ve realised that – unless we work for ourselves (and perhaps even then) – our efforts for our employers often aren’t appreciated. And if it is at the time, then it dissipates as memories of us fade.
I think nowadays I would just ‘tell’ my workplace I needed to take time off for a family or personal emergency. Because of the way I’m hardwired I’d feel terribly guilty and selfish about it, but over time I’ve come to better understand what I should be prioritising.
And sure… I need to pay my mortgage and bills, but there are certainly things that are more important.
I should mention that I suspect if I had kids I would have certainly been forced or chosen to put them above work commitments. Have others found that to be the case I wonder, or grappled with the need to choose?
December 20, 2021
Yes, it’s all about priorities. No kids here either but I’d always put my mum, my partner and now my pup, first. To be fair, I’ve never held a senior position either so it’s made it a bit easier to skip away from my responsibilities but nothing and no one is as important as my people. I’ve also had some health scares and seen my loved ones face some serious health issues and like the situation with your dad, there’s nothing like a medical drama to make you evaluate what’s important.
December 20, 2021
I think most of my reticence to put other stuff first says more about me than my jobs in reality. And I suspect the people pleaser in me struggled with the need to do ‘right’ by my colleagues and bosses etc and seek to impress them, vs manage other expectations. It was always a huge issue for me. I recall almost having a nervous breakdown over the possible need to take a few hours off work to have airconditioning fixed. I think in the end I had to leave complete strangers in my house doing it so I missed the bare minimum of work.
December 20, 2021
Isn’t it funny what stand out from our memories Deb? You did the right thing but why do we put ourselves through all that angst and turmoil in the first place? I know it was hard for me to do too when I was working but I made sure I tried to have a balance and know where my priorities were – as it turned out I was made redundant so all that ‘being a good girl’ and trying hard to please was a bit of a waste!!!
Wishing you well for the year ahead. #lifethisweek
December 20, 2021
This post (as usual) got really long Deb so I’d taken out a bit about the fact that I went and ‘acted’ in another role just after this until my redundancy in September 2012. And it was from the role mentioned here that I was made redundant. Well, my whole agency was dissolved after a change of government. The DDG I’d worked for got 2hrs notice to leave the building etc…
December 20, 2021
Oh I can soooo relate to this Deb – the overcommitment to a work ethic where you sacrifice what’s important for what you think you “should” be doing. Our daughter got married in our living room before her wedding in Bali. It was a Friday and I was working – I raced home in my lunch break, watched them make their vows, and then raced back (all in pouring rain) so I wouldn’t mess up anyone else’s work day. Now I just look back and think “What the Hell was I thinking????”
I’m so grateful for the flexibility I have now – and for finally coming to realize that I can occasionally put my own needs first and others will just have to accommodate that – I just wish I’d figured that out 20+ years ago!
December 21, 2021
Oh yes, I recall so many occasions that I was beyond stressed about work and being available etc and know now very little of that was important. Also the benefit of hindsight means we’re able to see how little our sacrifices were often appreciated by others. And even if they were at the time – as you said – years later they’re not…. only by us and what we sacrificed.
December 20, 2021
I was the same. I always felt guilty if I didn’t work and work always took priority. Then I wore myself out to the point of exhaustion. I have never felt so I’ll. I swore on the other side I wouldn’t do that again. Now, every time I slip into old habits, I remind myself of how bad it was. Putting yourself first is a huge step and the right one, better to be happy and healthy and enjoying life than working yourself to the bone for people who don’t appreciate it.
December 21, 2021
Oh yes Emma. I had an occasion a couple of years ago though when I proactively pulled out of a job opportunity that I could see was problematic but… I was grappling with my mum in hospital for a hip replacement and twice daily visits etc. I was already doing some contracted work, but not enough hours so accepted another contract. (Well, when I say that, part of the issue was that I’d worked for 2-3wks but the contract wasn’t forthcoming!) The job itself was messy and fraught and the person I was working for kind-of unforgiving. I still remember being up at the hospital with my mother and just thinking, “This is the wrong time to be starting something like this!”
The $ would have been handy (particularly when the other contract finished) but I don’t regret my decision – particularly when they then refused to pay me for the 15-20hrs I’d worked for them already.
December 21, 2021
I also think when you are younger, you put work first because of insecurity. And I think people our age had it drummed into us. Then a little further along in life, you realise it doesn’t really matter. The cogs don’t stop and most deadlines are arbitrary. So don’t beat yourself up about it. We always make much better decisions with hindsight.
December 21, 2021
Yes, my parents (dad in particular) was of the mindset that NO ONE likes their jobs or work but that it’s a necessary evil. Both mum and dad stayed in the same jobs their whole adult lives and I still recall the first time I resigned and changed jobs (I was in my early 20s) and my dad was horrified as it was something he’d never thought about doing. Given I’ve had a gazillion jobs since then I guess he got used to it.
December 21, 2021
Deb I was an employer for 34 years until we sold our business. Until I started my retirement job I had no idea how difficult life could be as an employee. If I wanted time off I just took time off. I really didn’t appreciate at the time how lucky I was. I can see how you felt you were being torn in all directions
December 21, 2021
I think Covid has also offered some flexibility people didn’t have previously. I’d always wanted to work from home but my jobs (workplaces) had never allowed it. And yet, I email more than call etc so there was no reason I couldn’t do everything from home on occasions. Particularly given I always lived alone and if I had tradesmen coming or something it was always really stressful to try to arrange time off.
December 21, 2021
Hi Deb, I was the same even though I had children, I still always gave 110% or more to the company I worked for and then in the end it really didn’t count for much. A new executive team came in and I found I wasn’t a ‘good fit’ anymore. All the hours I had spent getting in early, leaving late,missing some of my children’s events were things I would never do again. Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing. My daughter is an executive with two young sons. She works for a global company who surprisingly put their employees first. She is able to go to her son’s school and daycare events, the company gave every employee and extra bonus because of the ‘stresses of covid’ plus each employee was given a half day for Christmas shopping. I do think some companies have come a long way since I was working full time but it does come down to us to ensure we keep our priorities front and centre. Merry Christmas to you and your Mum and hope that 2022 is happier and healthier for us all. xx #lifethisweek
December 21, 2021
Oh Sue, I remember being in a job (2004 I think) in which I worked really long hours and was sooooo stressed. Then a new boss came in and replaced me with two people.
December 21, 2021
Deb, I can very much relate to this. I often put work ahead of everything. I recall spending Easter overseas for work and therefore missing the last family gathering with my MIL. But it didn’t stop me from continuing to work long hours, ignoring my health and my relationships. It’s taken me years of being retired to realize how wrong it was… and to start breaking habits that formed in all those years. I do think for some people, it’s the way we are wired… or programmed early in life. I do think some things are changing in the workplace, but I still see old colleagues working long-hours where everything is urgent. I’m just glad I’m no longer living that way!
December 23, 2021
I’ve recently started a new full-time job and I can still feel those tendencies creeping in. Yesterday I was out exercising early and had a missed call from my boss and had planned to do some chores etc but raced home to start work and get things done. (And it wasn’t even 8.30am, but I still felt bad that I hadn’t been working when he called!)
December 22, 2021
Wow…we are all people pleasers arent we and end up never pleasing ourselves. In my principal role it was ‘as if’ I did not have a family and a life…and that is a perception in the public service and in some communities. It IS actually getting worse and teachers are now ‘expected’ to be 24/7….that is now somewhat managed by schools actually able to sign off and have ‘out of office’ messages but it is still hard. I realised I was not able to handle my role as a busy teaching AP of a large school when my son then 7 was severely affected by chicken pox. My boss took one look at me, and said ‘home is where you need to be’…and he was right. Sadly fewer bosses seem to be like that. I so hear you on being so busy/needed that you put family second. Not right but we do live in kind of fear in the workplace.
What a great way to end the Monday Link Up Life This Week with your post! Thanks so much for joining in and I look forward to starting 2022 Life This Week on Monday 3 January 2022. Warm wishes and stay well! Denyse.
December 23, 2021
I remember trying to explain to my GP why I couldn’t take sick leave when they were giving me a certificate for at least a week’s leave. I’d just come back from the Solomon Islands (for work) and had stuff to write up and finish by a set date and – as often was the case – I got really sick after I returned. I did go to the doctor but had to go into the office each day to get stuff done.
Of course nowadays you’d be able to work from home in those conditions.