Where I’m at

Tuesday, January 8, 2013 Permalink

Meanwhile, in other news*, I got on the scale (at my mother’s place) on Monday morning. After over 3 months.

I dumped my bathroom scale in the trash in October before leaving my last hometown. I was already worried about weight I’d gained in the first half of 2012 while grappling with the ‘not-dieting’ approach to healthy living; and unsure how I’d continue to walk the talk amidst rising panic over my lack of weight loss. I did however, hope that the change in lifestyle would – somehow – miraculously cure me of any desire to overeat and I’d emerge from this fat suit like a beautiful butterfly from a cocoon. Or something.

Fast forward several months and I’ve been feeling pretty crappy. The post on my birthday experience probably made that obvious. I felt very porky. And revolting.

I suspect there are multiple reasons for the general malaise in which I find myself – the weight gain, lack of healthy food choices, unsettled despite my fabulous new abode, lack of exercise and currently, female issues (which I’m sure I’m too young to be facing!).

I lost 20-25kg in 2011 (I give myself a 5kg window cos I yo-yoed around that for months and months). By the end of that year, however, I’d lost motivation. I blamed work issues, my father’s passing and a range of other crappy stuff. In reality I had just lost focus.

By the middle of 2012 I’d gained about 8kg (18lb) of the 25kg back. And now… in just three months (or less) I’ve regained another 9kg (20lb). So… I’m now only 8kg less than my original starting weight from early 2011.

IF I’d still been exercising – which I was until September (4-5 gym classes a week) – I wouldn’t feel as bad because at least I wouldn’t feel flabby. I’d feel porky, but strong and fit. Whereas at the moment I feel bulbous; like my body is a big zit and if you squeezed me I’d explode and gallons of fat would spray in all directions. (Oh and by the way, you’re very welcome for that visual!)

Given that I feel so crappy and perfectly poised (given my sea change) to make changes, ‘what’s my plan?’ you may ask. Indeed.

1. Panic. Don’t panic
Although I didn’t write about it I DID decide to start focusing more on my diet when the new year dawned. I tried to tell myself I wouldn’t go crazy. Just no junk and no carbohydrates at night.

As a result I spent all of last Tuesday (1 January) in a depressed funk, pondering on the point of living sans fun-food. Yes… I reverted to my old behavior – when faced with having to ‘diet’ it was like I was told my world was ending.

I took to my bed and only roused myself when I decided I was ‘allowed’ to make risotto for dinner. My new healthy lifestyle lasted less than one day.

So… lesson learned. No panicking.

2. Join a gym
I know that weight loss is 70-80% about one’s food intake, but – as my mother pointed out recently – I used to enjoy going to the gym and got A LOT from classes. I don’t think it was just the endorphins, but that sense of complacency achievement after doing my workout each day!

At the moment I’m spending my days filled with guilt because I cannot force myself out of bed early to go for a walk. Each day I tell myself that it’s cooler in the early evening and that I’ll go then. Hmph! Has. Not. Happened.

You may recall that I haven’t yet found myself a gym here and my twice-weekly Zumba classes are in the midst of a month’s hiatus. So… I have managed perhaps 4 x 20-30 minute walks in total over the past month.

On top of that I’ve done NO strength work since finishing up at the gym in September.

So my plan – get thee to a gym Deborah. And get back into a routine!

3. Food
This is the hardest for me. Cutting back on anything reeks of deprival; my defences kick in; which I cope with by binge-eating.

To start with I’m just going to try to avoid my danger foods (corn chips – yes, STILL – and chocolate) and decrease my evening carbohydrates. Going carb-free does amazing things for me when I’m trying to lose weight, but it’s also the quickest way for me to go on carb-binges. I’ve allowed my carbohydrate consumption to increase rapidly in the evening and am constantly dealing with the bloated feeling that comes with it.

As I’m home all day at the moment, I’m not really into a routine. I’m eating breakfast late, and then find myself starving mid afternoon (danger time for me), then eat ridiculously late each evening (rarely before 9pm). I figure I can work on the regularity of my meals without too much angst.

So, it’s a plan of sorts.

I decided against resolutions this year because mine are almost always the same. Have you been guilty of recycling your new year’s resolutions or goals?

* I know I’m only halfway through The Happiness Code, but if I’m tired of my drivel in that respect I figure you must be as well. I’ll come back to it next week, but decided it was time to bite the bullet and talk about ‘real’ stuff for a change. 


  • Annaleis
    January 8, 2013

    We ll Deb you have a plan. I’m sure there are heaps of gyms (hopefully) for you to choose from. Its hard to not worry about the numbers but like you said the strength training and feeling fitter is much more important.

    • Debbish
      January 8, 2013

      Bizarrely Annaleis, there aren’t many gyms here in my new hometown. Three really… one has no dance classes and two have one Zumba class a week only. One of them also has a burlesque class which I’d like to do again. At the moment I’m paying to do 2 Zumba classes a week through a Zumba company but couldn’t afford to do those AND join a gym to get some strength work in. But… it seems that a gym is the only way to go for me as I can’t force myself to exercise alone!


  • Satu
    January 8, 2013

    Hi Deb!

    I started wondering about what your “diet diet” is like because you feel so deprived eating on it.. In my experience you don’t need to start eating bland low fat calorie foods and skip all (fun) carbs just because you’re trying to lose weight.

    And dieting is not all about depriving. The most important change you need to make in your diet is add more veggies and fruits (that would *cause* 10 kg weight loss in a year /for a 100kg male ). Regular eating is important too: if you eat too few calories during the day, it’s almost guaranteed you’ll overeat in the evening – and you’ll want eat your favorite binge foods, not “healthy” stuff.

    I’m off to buy some white chocolate now.

    • Debbish
      January 8, 2013

      My original plan (new year’s day) was really just no carbs at night and no junk food.

      I’m not sure why that led to such a melt down. Of course the despondency could be related to some ‘women’s’ issues I’ve been having of late.

      Really I just want to eat more healthily – more veges at night and most certainly less carbohydrates, cos I’ve gotten in to the pattern where my evening meal is mostly carbs with some protein and veges. NOT healthy for me.

      And yes, eating more regularly is something I need to think of. When I was working (and in the days I dieted) I would only consume about 500 calories before dinner time, saving the rest for night. As I was at work a light breakfast and lunch was fine. Of course, now that I’m not working things are different.

      BUT… I’m really conscious that – more often than not – I’m now eating at 9.30pm at night, which isn’t good. Will try to address that one!


      • K
        January 11, 2013

        I’m thrilled I found your blog. I started Weight Watchers one week ago yesterday. I’m down 2.5 lbs. I am now the queen of portion control and I finally think different about everything I eat. I am also getting very creative with food and points. It’s not always easy, especially since I love night time eating when the kiddies are in bed. I try so hard to save points for later on. In any case… I’m looking for more online dieters to follow and hopefully they will follow me. I need all the motivation I can get. Hang in there. K (http://waistwatchers.blog.com/)

        • Debbish
          January 12, 2013

          I’ll go and check your blog out K. Thanks for dropping by!


  • Miz
    January 8, 2013


    • Debbish
      January 9, 2013

      Awwwww, thanks Carla!

  • Dannii @ Hungry Healthy Happy
    January 9, 2013

    Don’t panic is a really good bit of advice to give yourself. You know what the situation is and you know what you have to do. You did it before, so you can do it again!

    • Debbish
      January 9, 2013

      Thanks Dannii. You are such an inspiration. I read your blog but also see your FB updates and have mindset-envy much of the time!

  • Jo Tracey
    January 9, 2013

    I’m hearing you. Loud & clear. But, you have a plan…right? Thats a pretty good start…in my book anyways…& you’ve done the hardest thing- the scale thing.

    • Debbish
      January 9, 2013

      Yes, relieved I did it. The news was both worse and better than I expected.

      Also happy that I did it at my mum’s so I won’t be on and off the scale HERE but can monitor my weight. (Though I don’t want to start dreading visits to my mother’s place! That happened when I let my pilates teacher weigh in for a while. I didn’t want to know the numbers so she’d tell me if I went up or down, BUT it got to the point that I dreaded going to pilates so we had to stop it!)

  • Jess
    January 9, 2013

    I think don’t panic is definitely really important! And if you have a day/s where you do, don’t beat yourself up about it.

    I always feel better when I’m fitter, even if I’m fatter. I’d rather feel strong and fat then slim and sloppy, if that makes any sense…

    Moving is stressful, even if you’re pleased about it and it definitely takes a toll. I find when I’m struggling with food, the more I focus on it the worse it gets. I think having loose goals in the back of your mind is better, less pressure. Usually when I get exercise and life back on track it is easier for healthy eating to follow.

    I’m sure you know all this. I’m just gibbering on, probably to work through it in my own head. Haha

  • Marion
    January 9, 2013

    Hi Deb! Well, I have to agree with Dannii. You know how to do this because you successfully lost weight before. So you can and should coach yourself, and then take orders from the coach. 😀

    🙂 Marion

    • Debbish
      January 9, 2013

      Yes, very true. I’ve done it before (again and again, sadly!). I don’t know why ‘starting’ sometimes is so hard!

  • Char
    January 9, 2013

    I think you hit the nail on the head with the lack of routine. I’m always so much better when I have a routine in place. I fill up the day so there’s less time to think about eating. I’m always pretty good when I’m at work. I’m on holidays at the moment so I’m not that great – letting myself have little treats here and there – but I know once work starts again I’ll improve.

    • Debbish
      January 10, 2013

      Yes, I’m yet to get myself into a routine and hope that when I do so things will improve.

  • jules
    January 9, 2013

    I agree with Char….changes bring about the feelings until we develop new routines. the lack of scheduled “work” throws a lifetime of routines based around going to work right out the window. We have all the time we wished for but the routine is gone. That is what I am working on.

    • Debbish
      January 10, 2013

      Yes Jules, I had a conversation with someone (Jo, who commented earlier) via skype last week and she shared some suggestions she used when taking some time off work to write – going out to write and setting certain time periods each day. That’s something I need to start doing.

  • Julia
    January 12, 2013

    Deb – you blog, you read, you think about where you are at – these are all really positive. There is so much emotional baggage that comes with weight gain and loss, and you are processing these things for yourself, and quite frankly, for the rest of us. Thank you for being consistently honest.

    I’m sending you some good vibes from Virginia! xoxoxox

    • Debbish
      January 12, 2013

      Thanks Julia – your support is very much appreciated!!!

  • Neen
    January 13, 2013

    Oh it’s all so bloody hard isn’t it?? I wish the world could be corn chip free. I mean it would just be a lot easier.

    Hope you find your food and exercise mojo again soon. Mine seems to have reappeared. Not sure where it came back from but I’m not asking it any questions!

    • Debbish
      January 13, 2013

      Yes, just accept it! I’m actually hoping to join a gym tomorrow. (Just get frustrated with the ‘hard sell’ etc). I know I’ll be terribly unfit at the moment (and at first) but hopefully that will improve in no time.

  • Lou Lou
    January 17, 2013

    Don’t panic. I like your style. It’s a good motto to have for all of us facing daily challenges!

    • Debbish
      January 18, 2013

      Yes, the panic made me revert to old behaviour! THIS (being overweight) didn’t happen overnight so can’t be ‘undone’ quickly either!

  • Gaurav Raghav
    March 20, 2013

    Thanks for this post. Those tips are really motivating.

I'd love to hear your thoughts