Meanwhile, in other news*, I got on the scale (at my mother’s place) on Monday morning. After over 3 months.

I dumped my bathroom scale in the trash in October before leaving my last hometown. I was already worried about weight I’d gained in the first half of 2012 while grappling with the ‘not-dieting’ approach to healthy living; and unsure how I’d continue to walk the talk amidst rising panic over my lack of weight loss. I did however, hope that the change in lifestyle would – somehow – miraculously cure me of any desire to overeat and I’d emerge from this fat suit like a beautiful butterfly from a cocoon. Or something.

Fast forward several months and I’ve been feeling pretty crappy. The post on my birthday experience probably made that obvious. I felt very porky. And revolting.

I suspect there are multiple reasons for the general malaise in which I find myself – the weight gain, lack of healthy food choices, unsettled despite my fabulous new abode, lack of exercise and currently, female issues (which I’m sure I’m too young to be facing!).

I lost 20-25kg in 2011 (I give myself a 5kg window cos I yo-yoed around that for months and months). By the end of that year, however, I’d lost motivation. I blamed work issues, my father’s passing and a range of other crappy stuff. In reality I had just lost focus.

By the middle of 2012 I’d gained about 8kg (18lb) of the 25kg back. And now… in just three months (or less) I’ve regained another 9kg (20lb). So… I’m now only 8kg less than my original starting weight from early 2011.

IF I’d still been exercising – which I was until September (4-5 gym classes a week) – I wouldn’t feel as bad because at least I wouldn’t feel flabby. I’d feel porky, but strong and fit. Whereas at the moment I feel bulbous; like my body is a big zit and if you squeezed me I’d explode and gallons of fat would spray in all directions. (Oh and by the way, you’re very welcome for that visual!)

Given that I feel so crappy and perfectly poised (given my sea change) to make changes, ‘what’s my plan?’ you may ask. Indeed.

1. Panic. Don’t panic
Although I didn’t write about it I DID decide to start focusing more on my diet when the new year dawned. I tried to tell myself I wouldn’t go crazy. Just no junk and no carbohydrates at night.

As a result I spent all of last Tuesday (1 January) in a depressed funk, pondering on the point of living sans fun-food. Yes… I reverted to my old behavior – when faced with having to ‘diet’ it was like I was told my world was ending.

I took to my bed and only roused myself when I decided I was ‘allowed’ to make risotto for dinner. My new healthy lifestyle lasted less than one day.

So… lesson learned. No panicking.

2. Join a gym
I know that weight loss is 70-80% about one’s food intake, but – as my mother pointed out recently – I used to enjoy going to the gym and got A LOT from classes. I don’t think it was just the endorphins, but that sense of complacency achievement after doing my workout each day!

At the moment I’m spending my days filled with guilt because I cannot force myself out of bed early to go for a walk. Each day I tell myself that it’s cooler in the early evening and that I’ll go then. Hmph! Has. Not. Happened.

You may recall that I haven’t yet found myself a gym here and my twice-weekly Zumba classes are in the midst of a month’s hiatus. So… I have managed perhaps 4 x 20-30 minute walks in total over the past month.

On top of that I’ve done NO strength work since finishing up at the gym in September.

So my plan – get thee to a gym Deborah. And get back into a routine!

3. Food
This is the hardest for me. Cutting back on anything reeks of deprival; my defences kick in; which I cope with by binge-eating.

To start with I’m just going to try to avoid my danger foods (corn chips – yes, STILL – and chocolate) and decrease my evening carbohydrates. Going carb-free does amazing things for me when I’m trying to lose weight, but it’s also the quickest way for me to go on carb-binges. I’ve allowed my carbohydrate consumption to increase rapidly in the evening and am constantly dealing with the bloated feeling that comes with it.

As I’m home all day at the moment, I’m not really into a routine. I’m eating breakfast late, and then find myself starving mid afternoon (danger time for me), then eat ridiculously late each evening (rarely before 9pm). I figure I can work on the regularity of my meals without too much angst.

So, it’s a plan of sorts.

I decided against resolutions this year because mine are almost always the same. Have you been guilty of recycling your new year’s resolutions or goals?

* I know I’m only halfway through The Happiness Code, but if I’m tired of my drivel in that respect I figure you must be as well. I’ll come back to it next week, but decided it was time to bite the bullet and talk about ‘real’ stuff for a change.