I’m visiting my mother this morning. My childhood hometown is only about 35km away from my new place. We try to catch up at least once a week and it’s lovely to have that regular contact.
But… I’m a bit nervous about today’s visit. I’m both worried that I will and that I won’t get on her bathroom scale. You may recall that the last two times I’ve been on it I’ve been shocked about my weight gain which has spiralled me into a ‘woe is me’ kinda tailspin.
It’s been more than a month since I climbed up on the scale of judgement and – quite frankly (and happily) – I’ve been healthier (in terms of my eating AND mentally) over the past month than I have been for a year or so.
I know some readers are disappointed I’m not being more rigorous in my diet and exercise (counting calories or working out regularly), but in my little mind I’m happy with my progress… particularly given that my bingeing had increased since my move almost four months ago.
So, I’ve stopped my bingeing in its tracks. No chocolate for over a month. Danger foods avoided. Thoughts of bingeing have floated into my head and been averted.
On my most recent post about how I was doing, I said I wasn’t claiming to be ‘better’ rather that my behaviour was under control. For now. Karen Anderson left a comment saying, I was not broken and did not need to be fixed. And I was reminded that I actually agree with that. Plus, having read of the experiences of other binge-eaters, it’s unlikely I’ll ever be ‘over’ my temptation to binge-eat. There’s no magic wand. It’s not something that goes away, just something I need to ‘control’.
But… one thing I was particularly keen to start working on was the size of my evening meals. I eat too much. (There, I said it!) I eat a lot of carbs (yes, I know), but too much in general.
As I’m serving it up I know my plate is too full. I know that going back for seconds (or thirds) when I’m already full is a mistake – but I can’t help myself. It’s usually so yummy I just need to keep eating. I tell myself I can have the leftovers tomorrow, but doesn’t work. The whole deprivation mentality kicks in and I start to worry about not having ‘enough’.
But… I know I need to change that. And last night… DISASTER!
Again, I’m not cured or fixed and that was just ONE dinner, but still… some may scoff, but I’m celebrating the small wins. (Positive reinforcement etc etc!) And I’m continuing to focus on making small changes.
Which all brings me back to my original point – and yes… you were wondering if I’d get there!
Do I, or don’t I get on the scale at my mother’s?
I read a lovely post by Tony Schober (Coach Calorie) on MizFit Online recently. He suggested that weight loss should be a side-effect of a healthy lifestyle NOT our primary goal.
I love the idea that I could start making healthy choices and lose weight as a result; rather than attempt to lose weight by making healthy choices. If that makes sense. Usually weight loss is the end goal for me. It’s not about being healthy. Hell, I dream that someone will put me in a coma and drip feed me for 3mths to force me to lose weight! It’s rarely the process and usually just the result which interests me.
Of course, if I get on the scale and HAVE lost weight – it will be more positive reinforcement that I’m doing something which feels mentally healthy but is physically healthy as well. But if I get on and HAVEN’T lost weight (or lost barely any weight), I’ll wonder what on earth the point is and possibly go back to chocolate, corn chips and endless vanilla diet coke. I know the naysayers will suggest that discovering I haven’t lost weight will force me to look more closely at my diet and say it’s a cop-out NOT to get on the scale; but I can’t help but lean towards the first option… in that I continue to feel a sense of achievement and wellbeing (despite what the scale might say).
I know I’ve talked before about weighing or not-weighing (a lot!), but what are your thoughts on ‘weightloss being just a side effect of a healthier lifestyle’? Is it something you aspire to?
Do you believe we’re ever over binge / destructive eating tendencies (as opposed to the occasional eagerness to overeat, which I’m pretty sure lives in most people!)?