A few days ago I wrote about my intent to get “Back to Basics”. I explained that I felt stale and jaded with this whole ‘dieting’ malarkey and the level of over-thinking I do; and said I planned to ‘strip it back’.
I received a comment on that post which has had me thinking. My commenter asked about ‘normal’ eating and said it sounded like I only have two extremes: I (and many others) am either dieting or binging; and they wondered if there’s anything in between.
I know I’ve talked a little about this before and my black/white or all/nothing thinking. I’m either being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ (to use the labels I’m not supposed to use) or ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ to use more socially acceptable labels.
But normal? I don’t think I’ve been there much. In fact, it occurs to me that I don’t even know what it looks like. And naturally I’m conscious that ‘normal’ for one person may not be ‘normal’ for another.
Comparisons are bad. We all know that. We shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to those around us and feeling insecure. But… I can’t help but wonder if there are times when comparisons are – in fact – a good thing.
I’ve mentioned before that on my recent weight-loss program, we were given a 6-day a week exercise regime (catering for beginners to advanced; and those who like exercising at a gym, at home, or in a park). I was gobsmacked when I read the beginners’ program as I was far FAR from being capable of completing it. Instead I hired an exercise bike and did short rides, until my weight reduced enough for me to walk and my fitness improved enough for me to join classes. It worried me though. I compared myself to those on my program doing double sessions at the gym each day and felt I was failing. Badly.
But then one day I talked to someone on the program who’d done several rounds with great success. They told me that they hadn’t faithfully undertaken the prescribed exercise program; and in fact, they barely did any exercise during one of their rounds. Suddenly my 6 days of exercise bike riding or pilates didn’t look as bad.
Even now… IF I was to eat something that one’s not usually allowed to eat when eating healthily (chocolate, rice cakes etc) I would feel bad. I would feel like I’d failed – even if I’m not on any actual weightloss ‘program’ and only answerable to myself.
Sure I read about skinny models or actresses or athletes who claim to eat healthily most of the time and have the occasional chocolate etc. But they aren’t trying to lose another 20kg. They are just having to maintain a normal weight… but I still need to be ‘reducing’ my food intake enough to lose weight – something not helped by partaking in even occasional unhealthy food.
I often wonder what ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’ means to others. I’ve stopped ‘dieting’ in the sense that I’m not tracking what I’m eating or counting calories. I possibly am keeping certain foods off-limits at the moment and trying not to obsess about them.
I’m reminded of a number of books by Geneen Roth which (essentially and from memory) recommend that we NOT limit or restrict any food from our ‘diets’ in an attempt to curb the diet/binge mentality. Although it was the early 1990s when I first read her books, I recall at the time having a particular fetish for a cherry coconut filled blocks of chocolate and I seriously contemplated going and buying dozens and dozens of the things in line with her thinking: if I had them ‘there’ and available, I wouldn’t feel the need to binge on them because I was ‘allowed’ to eat them whenever I wanted. They weren’t forbidden. I didn’t do it – buy dozens of the chocolates. I bought several and ate them and then panicked as I mentally calculated calories in my head. I know her argument was that you’d revel in the opportunity to eat formerly-forbidden food for a while, before you stopped and looked at them with a ‘Meh’ type attitude.
I’m not about to go and buy boxes and boxes of my danger foods, instead I’m going to try to avoid them. But I just can’t decide where to draw the line when on a non-diet (I really am unfamiliar with this ‘normal’ business!). I had grilled fish last night with store-bought frozen chips (fries), the latter usually being off-limits if I’m dieting. Naturally I ate way more than I should have. But, I wonder… is that normal? Is that allowed? On one hand I’m chuffed I didn’t consume any rice cakes or chocolate, but on the other I ate A LOT of unhealthy hot chips for dinner! I’m sure others overeat from time to time. Even those (trying to lose weight and be healthy) MUST eat the occasional chocolate or packet of crisps. Surely.
I know my therapist would hate me using this language, but… what I’m wondering is:
How bad can you be (when trying to lose weight) and still be good?
What is your ‘normal’?
April 22, 2012
While reading your blog, I have eaten 3 fruit scones (without butter, cream or kam) Now that is not normal for me! I made the mistake of buying a pack yesterday and today I just had to finish it! This is the first time in a while that I have been this bad. I am ok with as I know I will burn some of it off today and the rest of my day is looking good (at this stage). I am not so harsh with myself anymore. I made the decision to do it and it’s done .. Now I move forward!
April 22, 2012
Good approach Sharmila! It’s interesting to know what other do (or don’t do). I also remember finding out that someone who’d done well on my old weight loss program often went over their calorie limit – and I’d assumed that EVERYONE ELSE stuck to the limit – other than me towards the end!
Guess there’s no ‘normal’.
April 22, 2012
Writing this in the comments, rather than adding to the post or doing a whole new post.
I’d planned to a gym class this morning (Sunday) but got the timing wrong and was understandably frustrated after driving 20mins and several suburbs. All of the way home I contemplated what I could do / eat… I needed to buy the newspaper, so figured I could call in at the service station which sells Vanilla Diet Coke, cos surely it would be understandable if I had a VDC given that I was dealing with disappointment. Then I decided I could go shopping and buy some crap to console myself (or quell my frustration), or something…
But then I decided I’d write about it. But… fortunately for you (NOT!) I decided to play with my iMac’s Photobooth – which I’ve never done before – and I made this short (just over 1min) video. I’m still in my gym gear and sweaty despite the lack of actual exercise, so I look pretty crappy – but I realised I didn’t really care that much (scary prospect) and uploaded it anyway. (Who knew I even had a You Tube account?!)
So, here’s my first attempt… Me in the flesh – almost!
http://youtu.be/alUyB1tVmyg
Deb
April 22, 2012
Great video, Deb! I love your accent and I think you look good on video. 🙂
April 22, 2012
I don’t wear makeup anyway, but after I watched it I wondered if I should – for future vlogs if I make any. This was mostly just a test run, but I decided to publish it (though vanity almost prevented me doing so!!!).
April 23, 2012
So good to see and hear you Deb 🙂
April 23, 2012
Thanks. In retrospect I wish I’d gone to more trouble, rather than just sat down after driving home and turned on the photobooth camera. I didn’t even know if you could film ‘movies’ on it or just take photos!
April 22, 2012
It’s a hard balance to find.
I’m lucky in that I’m just trying to maintain my weight, instead of losing, but I still often have binge days, and feel guilty for them.
I think that if you’re generally healthy, and fit, the occasional bad day is ok. Well for me it is, but like you said, we are all different.
PS tried to watch your vlog, but the kids were being so loud I couldn’t hear anything. Will try again later when its much quieter!
April 22, 2012
Jess, I do tend to think that slip-ups are okay when you’re not trying to lose weight because it’s easier to maintain the equilibrium or make up for it and I guess that’s the thing that worries me. Slip ups could become gains if I’m not careful.
But – I must confess – even though I’m writing about this (or – egad! talking about it sans makeup and with sweaty hair!) I feel a lot more zen without the SHOULD or SHOULDN’Ts of dieting-land hanging over my head!
April 22, 2012
You looked adorable! But I don’t have speakers on my monitor so I couldn’t hear you:( I wrote about my quest for normal last year here http://waistingtimeblog.com/2011/01/26/i-only-look-normal/ I think that my years of yo-yo dieting have really given me some kind of disordered eating relationship (as opposed to a classic eating disorder) and I’m just hoping that I CAN get to a new normal someday. Clearly though it has to be redefined for myself.
April 22, 2012
Karen, the ‘normal’ thing didn’t even strike me until someone wrote about it in my comments and I realised I’m NEVER eating ‘normally’. I’m usually always on a diet, but with varying degrees of success. Sometimes it’s days and days of endless over-eating before I START the diet – which doesn’t happen and so continues!
I read your post Karen and love it (it looks like the comments are closed so I can’t leave a comment now). I can completely relate to everything you are saying in it.
Deb
April 22, 2012
What a great post and question! yes, what is normal is one of those questions like what does “there”mean….but this is what I am working on…..normal are those things we do on a daily basis.. what is our normal routine? If I want different results than I just need to do something different…not good or bad…just something different…some of those things may become a normal in the future and some may not…
April 22, 2012
Jules, I was basically finished writing the post before going back and adding the line about ‘my’ normal not being anyone else’s normal (and vice versa). Perhaps that’s why we SHOULDN’T compare ourselves to others… Sigh. I guess that’s why I appreciate the blog world, I can read thoughts by others grappling with their very own ‘normal’.
Deb
April 22, 2012
I’m pretty sure people who have normal relationship to food overeat from time to time. 🙂
I remember I had a “normal” relationship with food and eating when I was a child. I didn’t think about food as good or bad and of course I was “effortlessly thin. ” 🙂 My problems with food started when I was a teen and I think that is when most women run into trouble with food.
I’m officially trying to lose weight now and I actually had two slip-up days this week. I’m annoyed but not very worried (yet). Slip-up days become a problem only if there’s too many of them.
April 22, 2012
I was a little bit overweight as a younger child but – in retrospect – not at high school. I definitely overate from time to time. I can’t help but wonder if – I’d never started dieting and become anorexic – whether I’d just be someone who’d been constantly battling (10kg / 20lb over these last 20-30years, rather than four or five times that amount!).
Deb
April 22, 2012
Lordy Deb
What is normal?? Good question – when you find the answer can you let me know please.
in a society that everyone is trying to be different, we all like to be classified as “oh that’s normal”.
So therefore I think it is “normal” to be “different”.
have a great day
Loulou
April 22, 2012
True Loulou… there is no normal as we are all different. Guess it’s funny though that we often talk about being ‘not normal without knowing what normal is. Hmm… something to ponder on!
April 22, 2012
Hi Deb! As I read this post, you are describing emotional eating, which I believe is more about the mindset of a person than it is about the food itself.<<in my perspective.
Regarding high calorie treats (including desserts, seconds, and high calorie meat) a blogger friend Jane (who lost 150 pounds and now weighs much less than I do) has a rule of a certain amount of treats per month. Any excess food is logically categorized in that "dessert" category. I think Jane is smart about this, and she has proven results.
As far as "normal" eating goes in general, I've seen many statistics about what is "normal" in the US. Ugh!!! I'd rather not do that.
As far as "normal" eating goes for fit lean people at my gym, nearly every fit person I know carefully watches their weight and makes very strict rules about consumption of high caloric treats of every type. The very slimmest guy and lady I know at the gym both carefully watch their weight. <<That really gave me food for thought! It isn't easy for anybody.
🙂 Marion
April 22, 2012
Very true Marion!
April 23, 2012
Here is my most recent post on what “normal” eating looks like. http://www.kclanderson.com/practicing-normal-eating
In your post, you also asked, “I often wonder what ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’ means to others.”
This is an interesting question on many levels. It could also be asked, what does ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’ LOOK like to others.
But there are many factors at play, including the current definition of “overweight” (or “obese” or whatever you want to call it) and the Western culture’s take on what an ideal, attractive body LOOKS like. Somewhere along the line, actual health has been relegated to something that will only happen once someone loses weight. I think that healthy bodies can exist at a broader range of weights than is currently accepted.
The current way our culture focuses on weight/appearance (even when couched as a concern about someone’s health) tends to shame people and people who feel shame are less likely to care for themselves or to seek care, especially if every time they try, they’re told to lose weight. It was only when I found a medical practitioner who wanted to focus on my health (in totality…holistically) and not just my weight that things started to change for me. I had a number of issues like Lyme, thyroid/hormone imbalance, and some viruses that were causing fatigue, anxiety, high cholesterol, and a whole lot of shame. When she addressed those issues (including the emotional component), the weight took care of itself. I am still technically overweight according to current BMI standards, but I am healthy!
I believe that maintaining a healthy body shouldn’t have to be an obsessive undertaking…it should come easily and if it is not, then perhaps there’s some other issue (emotional and/or physical) going on (and I don’t mean laziness or lack of willpower ).
April 23, 2012
Karen, I enjoyed reading about your time at Green Mountain at Fox Run and the link you gave me the other day (have now subscribed to their blog!) – I can relate to so much of what they’re saying about emotional and binge eating.
I’m with you on the need for maintaining a healthy weight and body to not be obsessive. My own ‘goal’ weight is about 10kg (20lb) above the official BMI maximum for my height (and still 17kg less than I am at this very moment!).I’ve been that weight before and know it’s doable – but getting to less would take a lot more focus on exercise and food that I don’t think is necessary.
Deb
April 23, 2012
I struggle with this constantly, too, Deb. What is the difference between ‘bad’ and ‘good’ eating? Why do I place a value on what/how I eat exercise. Isn’t this just another moment in self-judgment? However, I can’t NOT think about things this way. It is time to change the conversation, but as you know, I’m struggling with that, too.
April 23, 2012
Yes, I know Julia and (as you know) I can relate to so much of what you’re writing about in your own blog at the moment! I’m ‘hoping’ I’m taking the right steps by thinking about NOT being on a diet, and really just focusing on restricting my really bad danger (binge) foods, rather than anything else. Of course, it may not work… but ….
April 23, 2012
For me, normal eating is what honours myself and my lifestyle. It means 95% of the time eating foods that are considered to be high in nutritive value. Then there’s the 5% where there’s a bit of randomness and a slice or two of cheesecake. But like Jane, I have my own personal values. http://lastchancetraining.com.au/2011/06/18/eating-manifesto/
April 23, 2012
Yes Liz, it’s the balance that’s important!
April 24, 2012
What a great question to ask yourself, and an excellent post, Deb! For me, normal = balance. Normalcy is sticking with a healthy lifestyle, but allowing myself to indulge on occasion. Life isn’t fun without that! But I make myself realize when I need to put down the chocolate and pick up a piece of fruit. Balance is key.
Enjoy your day!
April 24, 2012
Yes…. the overwhelming consensus is that there appears to be no normal, but that balance is key (but that’s also different for everyone!)
April 24, 2012
Hi there, just wanted to say g’day and ask if you have read ‘The Good Enough Diet’ by Tara Diversi. It’s very good esp on the subject of black and white eaters.
I reckon I need a program to last a lifetime. A generally good eating plan, with a bit less when I need to lose a kilo or two. It doesn’t matter if it takes 2 years for 10 kilos to come of, or 20 kilos or 10 years… just getting into the good enough patterns is the thing. Don’t you reckon??
April 24, 2012
Hi Seana, no I haven’t read that book – it sounds perfect!
I agree that sustainability is very important. I’ve lost and gained 20+kg MANY times – well, usually gaining more than I’ve lost. And, yes… I need to be less impatient about ‘losing’ the weight! You’re right… as long as it comes off eventually and stays off!