When I was a boy…

Thursday, November 1, 2012 Permalink

I had a post all ready to go for this evening, but just read one by Marion at Affection for Fitness, which provoked this last-minute change.

In her post Marion talked about her eating habits back when she was younger – at University and in her early 20s. When she was of a normal weight. Happily for Marion, after struggling a bit with her weight, she’s starting to settle back into old eating habits. In a good way.

She asked about our own (former) eating habits from back.

Understandably it’d be nice to think we could all reflect on a time before food, dieting and exercise ruled our worlds. But sadly, I cannot.

I’m shunted back to high school when I became anorexic and the battles with my parents over eating. Or not eating, as the case may be. Of exercising for several hours a day. To being completely obsessed about my weight and body – to the extent that (despite being pure-as-the-driven-snow), I’d skip classes at school to do sprints out at the local basketball courts, or eat biscuits out of our freezer and make up new batches while no one was home.

And then at University I ate secretly. Barely eating initially, before becoming bulimic. Discovering that powdered Milo came up easily and often bingeing on that. The occasional self-harm behaviour which accompanied my self-hatred. And then, intermittent dieting and bingeing behaviour as I tried to keep my weight in check and to stop it spiralling out of control. Which it eventually did.

It occurred to me that I cannot really recall eating ‘normally’.

Ages ago I read a post by Julia from Feed Me Daily. She talked about a session she had with her therapist and about how she binged to cope with her feelings and emotions. Her therapist asked her to revisit a time in her past BEFORE she binge-ate, and asked how she dealt with her feelings back then. Her post and the question posed was something I found quite confronting and had me pondering for days.

I use food to fill the empty gnawing void, quieten angst or stifle the anger. All of the time.

So…. I tried to think back to what I used to do. Before it was all about the food.

And I couldn’t.

So I emailed my mum to ask her how I used to cope with everyday life.

She wasn’t really sure either.

I was pretty happy-go-lucky as a youngster (like the 14-15yr old pre-anorexic me pictured left). I was sociable and vivacious. Once upon a time. Now I just have to fake it.

I think back to my eating behaviour and I was far from healthy. I loved biscuits and chocolates. I loved my ‘treats’. I ate more of the things I loved than I should. But… while I occasionally over-ate and wasn’t overly healthy, I wasn’t a binge-eater.

I do recall however, that I thought I was fat and tried to ‘diet’. But I was an amateur back then. At my pre-anorexic heaviest (left) I really only needed to lose 5-7kg to be at an ideal weight. That was nothing. I was barely chubby.

I had a shitty day today. I know compared to others with REAL problems, the things that pissed me off were nothing in the overall scheme of things. But one thing on top of another caused me to really struggle . I had the type of embarrassing tantrum that only a 44 year old woman can have in public; and then threw myself onto my bed to wallow.

Of course I was unable to calm down so ended up getting up and ‘writing’ about my frustrations. And… it helped. But, many many times I contemplated how much better I might feel if I went and bought all sorts of unhealthy foods. (And no, not just A chocolate or A bag of chips, but a lot of either and / or both.)

But I didn’t.

I vented online, wrote out my frustrations and exorcised my demons. And it helped. And that – quite frankly – is a start.

Can you reflect back on your childhood or young adulthood behaviour? How did you act around food? Did you exercise? How has that changed? 

 

 

14 Comments
  • Julia
    November 2, 2012

    It can be exciting to figure out these coping mechanisms. Trying out new things and approaching the process as an experiment helps ease the pressure we put on ourselves to get out of the diet/binge/etc cycles. It’s completely normal for children not to have adequate coping skills. Of course they don’t, they’re just ‘muddling through,’ as my Trusty Therapist Judy says of youth.

    Every day, we have the choice to just TRY something different.

    • Debbish
      November 2, 2012

      Hopefully that’s what I’m trying to do now Julia… muddle through as best I can! (Thanks for the inspiration by the way!)

      Deb

  • Marion
    November 2, 2012

    Hi Deb! Firstly, I was a little stunned to see that I had inspired your blog post and very interesting thought from you.

    Your picture up there is very teen cute. Especially in the 80’s sense, remembering what the look was then. We were all under a bunch of pressure to keep thin. I was tall too and it was hard to keep the standard of a small size, based upon shorter girls in my class. I didn’t eat treats for years, in order to be acceptable in size.

    I agree with you in thinking that a lot of overeating regards poor coping because that has been my overeating pattern. I am learning how to value doing other things higher than eating now. And I’m trying to have more fun things to look forward to. If everything goes right, Teen son and I will be seeing Pres. Obama speak on Saturday (with singer Katy Perry too). If I am coping less, I am eating less.

    I also have found it to be a small miracle to food journal–especially after poor eating because it mentally cleans the slate and helps me to quickly get back on track.

    For many years, I couldn’t remember how I ate back then either! This has recently come back because the memories were triggered by very similar eating and feelings that went with it.

    You’re thinking so thoughtfully about this now. I think something very good will come out of it.

    🙂 Marion

    • Debbish
      November 2, 2012

      Marion, I did mean to go back and leave a subsequent comment letting you know that your post had me thinking (and thinking and thinking….!)

      I like the notion of finding fun things to look forward to (other than food, in my case). It’s something I’ve been trying to work on and I’m hoping my new life… with mostly stuff I WANT to be doing, helps. Journaling must be helpful. As I said in the post I wrote about my frustrations yesterday and writing about them really helped. (Perhaps it’s like journaling… getting it down and out of your head, or being confronted with it on paper/screen might help. Not sure, but it certainly worked yesterday!)

      And yes… I’m starting to feel like I’m moving to a better frame of mind!

      Deb

  • Char
    November 2, 2012

    I can’t believe how similar your story is to mine. I had such a dysfunctional relationship with food as a teenager. It started around 16 and went through till when I got pregnant with my first child. I was border-line anorexic then became bulimic for three years. You found Milo came up easily – for me it was ice cream. It came up easily and soothed a sore throat. I was so miserable all those years. Everything revolved around food and eating or not eating and exercising. The pregnancy gave me permission to eat like a normal person – I was going to get ‘fat’ anyway and I had to nourish my little fetus. I learnt to eat without guilt again.

    • Debbish
      November 2, 2012

      I tried to get pregnant a few years ago and have to say I’d hoped that a side effect would be that I’d look after my body (for us) better and develop a better relationship with food. I know I’m not as bad as I was (obsessing about food) in my late teens, early 20s, mid and late 20s and even early – mid 30s… but I regret all of those years wasted.

      Deb

  • Deb
    November 4, 2012

    I was actually thinking about this yesterday- how was my relationship with food as a kid? I remember there being certain dishes as a small child that I would eat (every time) until I vomited. I remember as a teen coming home from school to eat something, then walk across the drive to my grandmother’s house and eat again. Then two hours later eat dinner, which probably involved seconds of everything. I remember a short stretch where I toyed with anorexia. But I can’t ever remember having a health relationship with food. Even now, 45 pounds down, I struggle every day to make good choices, and if not good choices, to execute good portion control, but every day its a battle.

    Thanks for writing this post. 🙂

    • Debbish
      November 5, 2012

      You’re welcome Deb and thank you for your comment. I think that those who haven’t ‘battled’ eating issues don’t really understand what it’s like for those who have… as you said – even years later every day can be a challenge.

      Deb

  • Julia
    November 5, 2012

    I finally got caught up on your last several posts. It seems like you are doing some really wonderful stuff (outside of having bronchitis!).

    You write about wanting to write for a living, and in this post you write about writing as healing – why don’t you try and write a book? You could write letters to yourself – or make fake “dear alice” letters and answer them from your perspective. This could just be a writing technique at first, but I bet it could turn into a wonderful book that would also be healing.

    • Debbish
      November 5, 2012

      Oh Julia… what an interesting idea. It’s almost like I could ‘cure’ myself. Hmmm…. I love it!

      Deb

  • Carly Schultz
    November 5, 2012

    I have just read your November post. Your history sounds so complex I admire you for telling it this way, and feel inspired.

    I have weight problems as a side affect of medication, but my eating patterns were problematic even before then. I sympathise with anyone who experiences these issues and feel part of the cure is knowing we aren’t alone. Also bouncing ideas off one and other can only help. I look forward to your next post.

    • Debbish
      November 5, 2012

      Hi Carly. Something I really get from blogging (and Facebook and Twitter) is that we’re not alone. No matter how crazy or strange we think we are…. there are always others feeling just as strange and crazy.

      Welcome!

      Deb
      x

  • Miz
    November 5, 2012

    I LOVE YOUR WRITING.
    would you ever consider a guest post for MizFit?

    xo

    • Debbish
      November 5, 2012

      Oh Carla. Absolutely. I’d LOVE to do a guest post. Give me a topic and I’m all yours. (Hmmm… did that make me sound too desperate?!)

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