What a difference…

Saturday, June 18, 2011 Permalink

Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows that I am a bit of an insomniac. Always have been, possibly always will be. The moment my head hits the pillow each night my mind starts racing. And racing. I used to give up and come downstairs and play on the computer for a while, but I’ve tried reading, having a warm bath etc, but mostly now I just bitch and whinge (about my sleeplessness) via my iPhone on Twitter. As you do.

Last night as I lay there watching 2am come and go, it occurred to me I was doing the exact same thing one month ago.

Back then I was biding my time, waiting for this 12 week body transformation challenge to start, nervous that my expectations were so high. The program was due to start on Monday 23 May. On the Thursday evening I had overindulged in wine and felt crappy all day Friday at work. And tired. Perhaps I get over-tired; because on Friday night I couldn’t sleep. At all! I got up and watched some TV in the middle of the night, probably surfed the internet a bit and then I finally gave up at about 5am and got up, grabbed a heap of caramello koalas, 2 litres of vanilla diet coke and a book and parked myself in the bath. I still remember tweeting that I’d eaten caramello koalas for breakfast… two days before starting this weight loss program.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I had also been putting off my ‘measuring up’. So before I started scoffing (weakened by my tired state) I’d gotten on the scales. 129.1kg they said. Well, they would have if they could speak. Instead they wrote it in pretty little digital numbers. Fuck! I said. And I can indeed speak. Later that morning I did my measurements, and continued eating my way through my bag of caramello koalas before starting on my next treat. It wasn’t a special occasion. It wasn’t as if I was over-indulging because I was about to start a diet – although I suspect there¬†was a bit of ‘eat what I can now, cos from Monday I can’t’ about it. Binging on chocolate and chips and the like is what I do (did) every weekend. And eating mountains of hot chips is what I do (did) most nights. I did it all that weekend. Just cos that’s what I always did.

[insomnia]_community_24hrsI’ve written before about having to change some habits. I’m still learning. As I fantasise about delicious fillet steak and potatoes tonight I automatically think that I need red wine to have with them. Cos that’s what I do. And if I’m going to spend an hour or two in the bath reading or watching DVDs late on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, I need champagne, and junk food. Cos that’s what I do.

I’m slowly having to change my habits and I’m TRYING to make sustainable changes so it’s forever. Not just for one month or twelve weeks. I’ve done the short term thing again and again.

So all of this was running through my head last night. I remembered that this time last month I’d been nervous about starting the program. Was I going to just flick a switch on the Monday and suddenly ‘start’ dieting, or start ‘being good?’ I wasn’t filled with confidence, althoughby the time Sunday came I felt ready. Perhaps not highly motivated, but ready.

On that Sunday I gave up vanilla diet coke; a long-standing crutch for me. And, other than last Saturday’s winegate affair I haven’t had any alcohol since the Thursday night before starting the program – over a month now. But most importantly, even though I barely slept last night, when my alarm went off today I got out of bed to get dressed for today’s boxing class. Boxing is the most energetic thing I do. I have to run – a bit. And the two sessions I’ve been to are the only times I’ve pushed myself that hard in the four weeks to date. And I’m motivated to go next fortnight as well. (And, there’s been no tears or vomiting – always a good thing!)

fat-scaleThis morning, after stripping off my flannelette PJs I also got on the scales. One month after I weighed myself to start this program I have lost a massive 8.6kg. As of today I am 120.5kg. Halle-friggin-lujah! It’s the lowest I’ve been post-Fat Camp. Even doing Weight Watchers last year, I lost 6 or so kilograms and then hovered before giving up. I was stoked about my weight loss and centimetre loss when I measured up (officially) on Wednesday and today I’m even prouder. And – more important than those bloody numbers, I feel good. I feel motivated. I am a bit more obsessed (by this whole program, what I’m eating, what I’m exercising, keeping my blog) than I’d like to be, but I’m hoping to phase that into something more sustainable without my usual ALL or NOTHING attitude and behaviour.

Today’s weigh-in was just what I needed to get dressed and get myself to our boxing class. And it will sustain me over the weekend and hopefully my future weigh-ins will similarly sustain me for weeks to come. My next mini-goal is to be less than 120kg. BRING IT ON!!!

Wow, what a difference a month makes….

  • Big Girl Bombshell
    June 18, 2011

    Congratulations! Yes..that black and white thinking….keeps us in “just what I do” more often than not.

    • rockafellaskank
      June 19, 2011

      Thanks and you are SO right (re the black and white thinking). It is my natural default position and I need to try to change that!


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