I had popcorn last night. The night before, Monday night, I had some wine. I realise it is important for me to get out of the mindset of needing a ‘treat’ or something special or exciting at night. As I live alone I have no one to keep me honest at home. I also relish ‘home-time’ so think I feel the need to celebrate my time there. This translates into making my time at home as good as possible. Which translates to eating and drinking as much crap as I want. I am at my happiest (the literal pig-in-mud) when sprawled in my armchair in front of good TV or DVDs, wine beside me, along with my latest food obsession. Obviously to anyone reading this regularly, this is currently corn chips and dip. I don’t even need to read that last sentence back to realise how pathetic it sounds. Surely I would be happier spending time with family and friends or – God forbid – a man???? Nope. Well, not at the moment. And not in this headspace. I am sure this says something about me. I suspect it is because I cannot imagine a different life.
In fact I regularly justify my almost-obsessive need to be alone. My role requires me to be nice (and helpful) to people ALL DAY, so in my down time I don’t want to see or speak to ANYONE.
I keep thinking that weight loss will change everything. It will certainly change some things. I will feel more confident which will translate into more than the physical. From previous experience, I feel less self-conscious; I dress differently and act differently. I feel less disparaged and more ‘in charge’ at work. I know I will feel more attractive to the opposite sex and less judged by my own. But what about everything else? I have been thin before (although now this was a LONG time ago!). It didn’t change everything. In fact I was confronted with things I didn’t want to be confronted with.
My desire for alone-ness has grown over the years and I sometimes wonder IF I want to spend time alone to hide my unhealthy eating behaviours, and / or wallow in the post-binge guilt trip; or if I really do prefer to be alone and in order to occupy myself, eat more than I should? Which is the disease and which is the symptom?
Worse-still is the fact that I get belligerent when I am robbed of my alone-time; when I have regular visitors or a lot of commitments, I feel deprived. Deprived of my freedom. In the same way I feel deprived when I am dieting. I suspect if I had children or a partner I wouldn’t be like this. For a start, I wouldn’t have gotten into a lifestyle that all-but precluded others.
I know I need to un-link some of my unhealthy behaviours. I need to do things OTHER THAN loll in front of the TV at night if I associate it with eating and drinking. I need to eat dinner at a table with no distractions other than the act of eating itself. And I have tried. I swear. Hours spent reading in the bath at night is a healthier habit for me (although I sometimes do it with a bottle of wine next to me!). But I don’t eat as I do it. So that’s a good thing. Right?
So, I am going to devise some non-eating-related goals… but I will start small and achievable. Firstly, I am going to be more sociable on weekends. I enjoy seeing my friends and – although you may not believe it – other than my antipathy towards being out and about (rather than at home), I care about my friends and they know this. Already I have plans for this weekend (brunch with the gals…. on Saturday before weigh-in).
And…. Secondly, I will try to book in an activity on one night each week, to try to break that nexus between TV and eating. Or rather, staying in and eating. Early last year I committed to Burlesque dance classes one night / week in an attempt to keep myself busy (and get in a bit of incidental exercise!). As the end of the year is drawing near I may keep it flexible and use that night to catch up with friends, or see a movie.
Small steps again, but hopefully achievable ones!