Wallowing in blahness

Monday, June 11, 2012 Permalink
Warning: this post may contain negativity, self-loathing and other depressing stuff.

 

I do seriously apologise in advance for today’s post. I was undecided about whether to go ahead and publish it, or just leave it fester with the many other drafts in my blog cellar. I’ve tried hard in recent times not to be overly negative – a Debbie Downer if you like – although I know that sometimes seepsย through despite my best intentions.

I concocted the post during several hours of tossing and turning in bed last night. And as you know… EVERYTHING seems worse at night in bed when you can’t sleep. The smallest of moles is a melanoma. The pain in your chest is you having a heart attack. The annoying bloody work colleague suddenly means your life is unbearable. And so forth.

[blackbirdpie url=”https://twitter.com/Schmiet/status/211817371114024961″]

I haven’t said as much here in this blog – but HAVE in my comments on others’ blogs: I’m struggling with the not-dieting thing. Well, not the not-dieting: I’m awfully good at that. More the mindful eating and not over-eating. Thankfully I’m actually doing well on my no-danger-food for June thing and have lasted half of the month (including this long weekend) without bingeing on my fave foods. So, in a sense, I haven’t reverted to the ‘bad’ behaviour. Rather, I’m just getting nowhere.

My weight which has gone up and down over the past few months is on the high side. 105kg and 107kg are distant memories as I’m hovering around the 109kg mark. I do realise it’s still over 20kg (44lb) less than this time last year, but the sheen of THAT weight loss has faded.

I joke a lot about my state of singledom. Indeed, I’m honest about the fact that I’d like a relationship. But I possibly haven’t been as honest as I could be about how much I’d like one. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not desperate and I’m not lonely. I’m more than happy to spend significant amounts of time by myself. But, I have a sense of alone-ness. I’d like someone to talk to about my day. About my life. I’d like there to be someone (other than my mother) who really cares about me.

Everybody deserves someone who'll make them look forward to tomorrow.This upsets me sometimes more than others. All I need are a few TV shows featuring in-love couples. Or books which include relationships that reek of intimacy… and I’m confronted by the fact that I don’t have that.

And I think it’s worse at certain times because I start to think I’m never gonna have that.

Every time I lose weight I gain hope. I know that my self-image and self-worth shouldn’t be tied to my body and my weight. But there you have it. It is. Whether it’s because I believe others won’t or can’t love me the way I am; or whether it’s because I can’t, I don’t know.

I’ve allowed myself to hope – just a bit – over the past 9 or so months. As I’ve lost some weight I’ve daydreamed about the potential of meeting someone. Falling in love. Yadda yadda yadda. I even sometimes allow myself to think that it could happen before I get to my own goal weight… while I’m still a work in progress.

Until I’m confronted by reality. The bloody not-moving scale. My image in the mirror. It doesn’t take much. Yesterday it was a photo I was trying to take of the fabulous Nicola Waite faux trenchcoat I was wearing. The one on the right is the best of the batch, but all of them were a stark reminder of the fact I’m still quite overweight! Instead of being able to ‘post’ the picture as I’d planned, I was left wondering WTF I was doing even thinking my image was social media-worthy!

And I’m growing my hair. It’s style-less and all over the place. Suddenly I’m reminded that I could (essentially) be defined as ‘middle-aged’. And I bloody look it!ย I’m no longer a young thing, full of potential, with the world her oyster. Instead, I’m forced to wonder if it’s too bloody late.

Rant over. Sorry about that.

33 Comments
  • Runa
    June 11, 2012

    W.O.W. I could have written almost every word. Well a few culteral references might be different and I’m not doing a June challenge… all in all, though, it’s like I read what was going on in my own head, but it was in black fire on paper! Black fire is some of the most powerful of all the colors of fire there are. And it is sad that I relate so well to this post because it gives no hope or direction or forward moving path for either of us.

    Today, I just saw “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”. Have you seen it? It is a remarkable film! My friend who took me has now seen it three times and she’d go again in a heartbeat. Of course, that movie ended with hope for all almost. But most importantly…it transfered to my heart that maybe there truly could be hope out there for me. I’m a soft lass, I know, but I just can’t give up all my hope! Not every last bit o’ it!!

    • Debbish
      June 11, 2012

      I haven’t seen the movie Runa, but my mother was telling me about it (she read the book and saw the film and I think they have different endings!).

      I was worried the post was too negative and realise that there are other things at play – am again having some existential crisis about what I want to do with my life etc… Some uncertain stuff about work all creeping in there to darken my mood. I think it’s the sense of ‘hopelessness’ that’s most depressing for me – but I’m glad you’re still feeling it. I ‘hope’ to again someday!

      xx

  • Sharmila
    June 11, 2012

    It’s never too late Deb! You gotta keep the faith. I am in a similar boat re being single and with weight issues. I am at a stand still at the moment .. I am a right handed person with no right hand. I am barely able to shower and dress myself. I feel so restricted. The only thing that keeps me going is that this is not forever! I will have surgery, I will need rehab and I will get better. It scares me that I am putting weight on but I can’t worry about that now as I need to sort out my hand first. “All will be well in the end … and if all is not well, then it’s not the end”. I have hung onto this saying since seeing Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Enjoy your soft pants day!

    • Debbish
      June 11, 2012

      Thanks Sharmila and there’s nothing worse than being unwell (or injured – in your case) and being alone. I think I’m just in a blah mood of late and just bloody want someone to help out with stuff: work out how on earth I used 6GB of data last month or deal with Telstra; change the lightbulbs that need changing (when I’m too lazy to fetch the ladder and do so)… not to mention the everyday stuff. (Not that I’d want a man around just to do chores….) The idea of having someone to lean on, would be nice.

      Love the quote from the movie by the way. (And take care of your hand….)

  • Liz@LastChanceTraining
    June 11, 2012

    Oh Deb, big hugs to you – and I don’t want to lace my posts with platitudes of ‘you’ll meet someone’. On the other shoe, one of my brothers is single (and I think good looking) and he despairs of finding someone either that fits what he’s after.
    And on the weight side of things – love the more intuitive style of eating for maintenance but if you want to lose, you do need to experience the temporary discomfort of being hungry so you can enjoy the satisfaction of the long term goal. You just don’t need to eat less than 1000 cals a day and train for 3 hours a day – there is a middle ground.

    • Debbish
      June 11, 2012

      Thanks Liz. Yes, think I need to bite the bullet, look at my behaviour and make some changes (on the losing weight front). As for the rest of it… well….

  • Jo Tracey
    June 11, 2012

    Ok. Firstly- I get it. So no need to apologise. Secondly, that trench coat is fabulous. Thirdly, whilst I’m not single, my scales are going nowhere too- much like the writing career that is supposed to be heating up with publishers queueing around the block because I’m so flipping good. Hmmm. When I feel like I am running out of time, I try hard to remember that growing old is mandatory, growing up is not- and as long as I don’t look too closely at the jowly bits under my jaw or the old bit on my neck & chest & the lines I can almost believe it.

    • Debbish
      June 11, 2012

      Jo, I think it’s the sudden shock of seeing the jowly bits or getting a quick flash of vision and realising that the middle aged person in the mirror is me is what is doing my head in!!!

      I hope you get some publishers banging your door down soon – time is our enemy sometimes….

      PS. I love the trench coat as well (hence the trying-to-take-the-photo thing. Learned my lesson there though. Big time!).

      Deb

      • Debbish
        June 11, 2012

        PS. Re the trenchcoat, the back’s long as well.. and it’s light cotton-type material!

  • Min
    June 11, 2012

    Deb, please dont worry about any posts being too negative. I love that you are real and I’d rather you be real than pretend to be or feel something other than what is real. We all have these kinda days – I know I do!! I can so relate to this post of yours – I have a 36 year old sister who is single and struggles with her weight (she has poly cystic ovary syndrome) and she would dearly love a partner and children and it breaks my heart when she has her down days and I have sat with her many times and on the phone when she sobs in despair. She would love someone to come home to, who loves her unconditionally and can comfort her when she is down or sick and who she can share the ups and downs of her work days. Also – mum is her bestie too ๐Ÿ˜‰ I so understand.

    I gotta say – that photo of you in the faux trench is fabulous!! What you are seeing and what others are seeing is very different. You are a very attractive woman! Just like you said you liked my profile pic on FB – I think I look hideous. I’ve always wanted a hollywood smile and LONG legs. I dont have those fab hollywood teeth and I’m a short ass! BUT….maybe what I see and others see are different too – someone else made a comment about how they like my profile pic too – thats two complimentary comments. Makes me think..!

    Re the weight thing – I’m losing in that dept myself at the moment so you’re not the only one that loses the plot there too. I’ve got a bloody gut on me at the moment – wish I could suck it away!! Looking for my focus to return.

    BTW – I’m not working at the moment – I’m having a break (long story) but if ever you want a friend to have a coffee or lunch with – I’m happy to do the Oxford St thing with you on your off work day one day. Also happy to remain a virtual friend (though we have met in person twice – once at bootcamp and once at 12wbt bris finale party) if you’d prefer ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Debbish
      June 11, 2012

      Min, thanks for your kind words… I was obviously in the midst of that bad day yesterday when I posted one of the comments on your photo (which I do really like by the way!). Hence the ‘I’m a fatty boombah’ comment I left!

      I’d love to catch up sometime. Now that I’m not doing the program I’m not really spending time with others still on the health/fitness journey, plus we had other stuff in common, so it would be nice!

      Also, re your sister – it’s nice you can support her and I’m sure she appreciates that. She’s probably like me… hides it much of the time (or seethes with jealousy at others’ lives!) but just cracks open every so often.

      Deb

      • Min
        June 11, 2012

        You hit the nail on the head re my sister “hides it much of the time (seethes with jealousy at others’ lives) and cracks open every so often” and when she cracks open – she cracks open big time!

        I dont see anyone from 12wbt either as I’m not going to any of the organised bootcamps etc and havent been signed up since Rd3 last year. Say hi and chat a bit on FB but that is all.

        Whenever you want a catch up just send me a msg on FB – just give me a day or two’s notice ๐Ÿ™‚ It’d be great to see you and I’m sure we have heaps in common and could probably talk for hours. I mentioned Oxford St as I know you go there a bit and its not far from me and well its nice there. In fact I was there today – saw a movie and stuffed my face at lunch after haha ๐Ÿ˜‰

        • Debbish
          June 11, 2012

          Sounds good Min. Will FB you!

          Deb

  • Vicki
    June 11, 2012

    Deb .. there are times when we all think the way you are, single or not. Believe in yourself and what you are wanting to achieve and you will succeed in what you set out to do. I know I haven’t met you but I know you are a pretty strong, determined lady .. focus your strength and determination and you won’t be stopped!
    Vic x

    • Debbish
      June 11, 2012

      Aw, thanks Vicki. I’ve been trying to keep positive in these last few months – admit that I’m struggling but not be a ‘Debbie Downer’ – although sometimes I just need to get (the negativity) out!

      Deb

  • Rebecca
    June 11, 2012

    I know myself that unfortunately it’s hard to pull yourself out of these slumps but find something that you love and do it. Do it loads. And don’t wait for thin for a relationship. Be honest with yourself, how much do you put yourself out there? And why?

    I’ve had the man in my life at my lowest and biggest weight. He likes me best when I’m happy.

    Be happy at any size cause really that shouldn’t impact it at all. x

    • Debbish
      June 11, 2012

      I guess I know Rebecca… just can’t change the way I think about myself….

  • Miz
    June 11, 2012

    Ive read three times and am still left with wishing you could see YOU as we do.

    • Rebecca
      June 11, 2012

      What she said /

      • Debbish
        June 11, 2012

        ๐Ÿ™‚ xx

    • Debbish
      June 11, 2012

      Thanks Miz… me too! xx

      • Miz
        June 13, 2012

        still gotcha on the brain…

        • Debbish
          June 14, 2012

          Thanks Miz… feeling the love (though maybe not my own at the moment!!!). x

  • Marion
    June 11, 2012

    Hi Deb! Well, regarding the intuitive eating, I believe in you–but I don’t believe in intuitive eating for certain people, including you. Working with your personality traits, you’d be better off doing a very analytical approach to food. Rules have helped me *so much.* I’d weigh much more without them. My intuition is completely messed up. I’ve written posts about that.

    How much weight you’ve already lost–is a success. Don’t let yourself forget that.

    Regarding men and dating, I have many guys our age who are friends, plus my husband. We have talked about this very subject. A woman needs to be attractive, but not perfect. Your looks would *not* be a problem for most guys. Seriously. And some extra pounds, well, they mostly don’t care so much as long as the woman looks healthy, which you do. Almost every guy I know has a girlfriend or wife with some extra weight. So do not get fixated on your weight being the problem, it is not.

    What guys are looking for: They like woman to be fun. They want to suggest doing something and not get told no all of the time. They like women who laugh and have a good sense of humor. They like women with opinions, as long as the woman is not closed off to their opinions. If you genuinely like what the guy has to say, that is probably half of it, right there. They *really really really* want respect for who they are.

    What my husband and guys, and single women friends who date say about getting dates: You have to somehow get out of your circle of acquaintances, or at least let your friends know that you’re interested in dating. Friends of friends sometimes date. People meet at picnics and parties. If you take an evening class, people meet that way. Also at the gym, if you talk to and exercise by guys.

    Many people I know just can’t find people any of those ways, so they have successfully done internet dating. I know a favorite gym buddy who married someone he met through internet dating. She’s not skinny, and I guess, very opinionated, and apparently has a really big butt (gosh, this guy friend is honest! But he also has some gut to lose.) but he loves her. She was in her late 40’s and he in his early 50’s when they married. My husband suggest that you try a “quality” internet dating service.

    So, if you really want this, it’s going to be outside your comfort zone. You blame weight and looks, but I really see this as primarily a comfort zone issue for you, Deb. <<Just my 2 cents. Disregard if you want. ๐Ÿ˜€

    ๐Ÿ™‚ Marion

    • Debbish
      June 11, 2012

      Hi Marion… I’m not opposed to the online thing and have done it a couple of times in the past – always when I weighed a bit less. My last attempt wasn’t very successful. I had thought I’d try it again when I’ve lost more weight. I also did speed dating etc a few years ago. It’s harder as you get older – as you can imagine – and more of more of my friends are in relationships and hang out with other couples etc.

      I certainly do blame my weight for lack of partner, but also realise that it could be ‘me’ as much as them – if that makes sense. I know that I have to like myself more before I can expect anyone else to…

      Deb

  • KCLAnderson (Karen)
    June 12, 2012

    I’ll say this (and I haven’t read all the other comments, so maybe I am repeating): do not, I repeat DO NOT, think that you have to wait until you’re thinner (or any other adjective) to be loved. I met the love of my life when I was heavier than I am now (but not as heavy as I would eventually get). Love is love is love…finding it within will help you find it outside. Find it within yourself to believe that you deserve to be loved and cherished…because you SO do. We ALL do.

    Also? Make a list/description of that perfect man and put it in the back of a drawer or something. Be meticulous is creating it and make sure you use positive statements. Then put it away and forget about it.

    • Debbish
      June 12, 2012

      I remember trying the list thing before Karen – almost 10 or so years ago – writing the list and then burning it. I did it on a New Year’s Eve with some friends (when we were quite drunk!)… it didn’t work at the time obviously. I suspect my priorities will have changed over the past 10 years though!

      However, I think the issue is – as you say – finding it within myself first.

      Deb

    • Satu
      June 15, 2012

      I’m loving Karen’s comment and couldn’t agree more. For some reason, being thin has become a precondition for being in a relationship.

      Also it’s too bad that you obviously see something very different from what I see when I watch your photos of yourself…

      • Debbish
        June 15, 2012

        If only….

  • Satu
    June 15, 2012

    Hi Debbie!

    Like you see from the comments, you’re not alone in how you feel. I’m just surfacing after a rough week myself. I could’ve written the following sentences myself:

    “Iโ€™m more than happy to spend significant amounts of time by myself. But, I have a sense of alone-ness. Iโ€™d like someone to talk to about my day. About my life. Iโ€™d like there to be someone (other than my mother) who really cares about me.”

    • Debbish
      June 15, 2012

      Sorry to hear you’ve had a bad week Satu! Hope things get better.
      xxx

  • Kerstin
    June 18, 2012

    Hi Deb, found you via Karen and love your blog! So much in here that truly resonates with me and so happy to find someone so articulate and funny who is on a similar quest to lose weight while learning to become an intuitive eater (I just start this journey).

    As for dating, oh my, can we meet and have a good chat about this? I am married now but it took me about two decades of lots of trials and errors and soul searching to find/be found by him. I also ran an online dating site for a few years and still think this is a great way to meet someone. It requires lots of perseverance but I know it can work! You might have to keep an open mind with this, though, because when I met my husband online I lived in England and not in my wildest dreams did I think, or intend, to meet an American who would eventually whisk me off to the other side of the big pond. We were both in our 40s when we met.

    But here is the thing and I think this is also very important: it is not the end of the world to stay single. And I am not trying to be smug here because I am obviously not single anymore. But I know this more than anything: before I met my husband I had reached a point where I was perfectly ok with being on my own. Even loved it and had delightful visions of becoming the old spinster who lived in her seaside English cottage, surrounded by seven cats and great friends. That vision was lovely and comforting to me. And yes, perhaps that’s where I needed to be to meet someone. But that’s not my point. My point is that I know I can live on my own and be happy and fulfilled. But I can also be with a wonderful man and be happy and fulfilled. I can do BOTH.

    In my experience the most important thing, whether single or in a relationship, is not even that you need to love yourself first (although that helps) but that you just *BE* yourself. Warts and weight and all. Not perfect. Just very lovely, witty, moody, dark, light, pissed off, delightful, unsure, lost, interesting, interested, great writer, REAL.

    So nice to meet you! Kerstin

    • Debbish
      June 18, 2012

      Hi Kerstin. Welcome and thanks for your lovely comment.

      I am really interested in your point about becoming ‘okay’ with being single and reconciling oneself to that… and then meeting someone. It’s like the ‘you meet someone when you least expect it’ adage. And you are so right about the loving myself first thing – I think that’s been a key sticking point for me in the past (and – well, now – quite frankly). Although… I am trying to work on that! (Albeit slowly!)

      Thanks again for visiting! (And sharing your story. I read it on waking this chilly Monday morning here in Oz and it was just what I needed to motivate me to get out of bed and start my day!)

      Deb

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