Wall-e and me

Friday, March 16, 2012 Permalink

Just over two weeks ago I paid my first visit to a psychologist/dietician in the hope that I’ll start addressing some of the underlying factors contributing to my weight issues (aka, why I’m so fucked in the head and prone to binge-eating behaviour).

Wall-eI wrote about my first appointment in my Mad monkey mind post and the realisation that there will be no quick fix – no light bulb moment suddenly averting my need to eat for reasons other than hunger.

I mentioned the other day that I was reading through old posts and I came across one I wrote while in the throes of my very successful weight loss attempts last year. It is one of the reasons I’m loath to be overly positive or definitive in my assertions now. In that post (To binge or not to binge) I realised I was no longer feeling the urge to binge-eat. Although, I did approach the issue with some qualifiers (HELLO, this is ME we are talking about), I was somewhat chuffed that I (along with my mindset, and inner critic, Myra) was improving.

AND  WE KNOW HOW WELL THAT TURNED OUT DIDN’T WE?!

Christmas – New Year was a veritable cornucopia of decadence. My annual birthday cheesecake was inhaled in a sitting or two and I indulged in corn chips and chocolate daily. Not to mention endless alcohol. And the list goes on.

Since the initial weight loss (despite having significantly more to go) I’ve hit a wall and started to struggle – hence the decision to address some of the underlying issues.

And tomorrow (Saturday here in Oz) marks my second appointment with the person I’m hoping can help me change that. In my Mad monkey mind post (I just love saying that, so will say it in full whenever I get the chance – be warned) I mentioned that I had homework. Being the all-or-nothing kinda gal, I did that homework in the day or so after my appointment. Then I carried it around for two weeks before getting my act together and dropping it off at the therapist’s office.

As well as an intake document, I had to complete an 18 page questionnaire called a Weight and Lifestyle Inventory* (WALI). So… no, not the other Wall-e.

The inventory is fulsome. To say the least. It asks about my weight throughout periods of my life. It asks about my eating habits (obviously), my self-image, exercise routine, psychological aspects and about behavioural issues. It asks about my binge-foods. Obviously I’m not yet clear on the role that this history will play in my sessions, other than to give my therapist some detailed background information.

And it may be useful, because even as I completed a brief questionnaire in her office on my last visit, I was conscious that things weren’t as dire as they once were. Although my posts might sometimes sound like it, I’m not suffering the hopelessness and helplessness I felt just a year ago; and (at the moment) I am trying to be somewhat healthy. I’m not counting calories, but I’m not inhaling chocolate either. (Although I may well be getting ‘close’ again as my resolve is starting to wane.)

My Life Story (Draft #2)If I’m completely honest I almost felt like lying on the forms, so the therapist is aware that ‘this’ person she sees before her, is the ‘well-behaved’ version of me. I want her to know that ‘this’ is me being ‘good’; the equivalent of a ‘medicated’ me! I didn’t want her to underestimate how fucked in the head I truly have been – and possibly still am. If that makes sense. I mean, what if she thinks I’m mentally healthy when it comes to food and my body? What if she doesn’t realise there were years of self-harm contemplations and self-hatred? I KNOW that must sound ridiculous! Shouldn’t I be happy I’m ‘better’ than I was? Perhaps. Or perhaps I’m worried that this is temporary and the downhill spiral could again be lurking around a corner. Or perhaps I don’t want to be ‘well’ as I much prefer to play the victim!

So I can only guess that WALI will give her that insight. She can see that – as an adult – I once weighed 45kg and once weighed 130kg and work out what came in between. At least I hope she can.

Have you ever been tempted to lie to a physician or therapist so they don’t underestimate the problem at hand?

Do you think it’s a hangable offense?

*The WALI was developed by Thomas A Wadden and Gary D Foster. I won’t include any links to the document as when I googled it I got a lot of hits to the PDF but wasn’t sure of the original source, so will leave you to find it if you want further information.
 
20 Comments
  • Chubby Girlfriend
    March 16, 2012

    Maybe you’re not giving yourself enough credit… Why do you want to hold on to being f*ed in the head? The problem can still be big, even if it isn’t as big as it once was.

    Maybe you are afraid that if you let go of some of the baggage and realize you can manage it, you might have less to write about? Have you heard of women who lose a bunch of weight but can’t see themselves as thin, and they hold on to all of their old hang ups because they are afraid of what being healthy means? While I know you feel you have a way to go, it is possible that you are holding on to a lot of this old stuff because you are afraid of change, afraid of what it will mean if you live in the present moment.

    I only suggest this because I myself have had to let go of some of my hang ups and realize that I’m not a victim, and that I was holding on to a lot of the hold hang ups so I could blame something else for moments of bad behavior (victim behavior). Also, being happy is often boring reading – are you holding on to that old stuff so that you’ll have drama?

    • Debbish
      March 16, 2012

      Great comment Julia… it’s probably the fear of success thing more if I think about it (I’m sure I can find all sorts of inane things to write about – I wrote about a shelf outside the ladies’ loo at work in my other post!!!). But you’re right… I am clinging desperately to the ‘old me’ and I wonder why. (Something to mention tomorrow in my appt!)

      Deb

      • Carol Hess
        March 17, 2012

        Don’t know about you, Deb, but I think I cling to the “old me” because that’s the person with whom I’m most familiar. I don’t really know this woman looking back at me in the mirror who actually makes good food decisions a lot of the time. Plus, if I relapse, then I won’t be so disappointed in myself because I never thought I wouldn’t relapse. And, yes, I know how incredibly screwed up that is.

        • Debbish
          March 17, 2012

          Carol, I tend to be naturally pessimistic / cynical so I’m not disappointed, so tend to always expect the worst (in the hope I am pleasantly surprised) so perhaps I’m a bit the same in this respect. If I don’t expect much of myself I won’t be disappointed.

  • deb roby
    March 16, 2012

    Did you read this Scientific American post on Binge Eating that came out yesterday?

    http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-cognitive-roots-of-binge-eating

    • Debbish
      March 16, 2012

      Hi Deb, no I hadn’t seen that, will check it out! Thanks!

  • KCLAnderson (Karen)
    March 16, 2012

    First, I have to say a big huge WOW to the link Deb Roby posted. I can definitely relate to that. And second, I have to second CGF’s question about holding on to being f*ed up in the head (although I can relate to that too).

    And finally, yes, I have felt like lying (and maybe even have) to physicians and therapists, both so they wouldn’t underestimate my problems AND so they WOULD underestimate my problem. But here’s the thing, if you’re not sure about your level of okay-ness, you can indicate that, as well. If this person is worth her salt, and I bet she is, she’ll know this isn’t an either/or scenario.

    • Debbish
      March 16, 2012

      Thanks Karen.As I’m reading comments I’m realising that – yet again – I’m worrying about what others think and whether I’m sufficiently f*cked in the head to be ‘worthy’ of seeing a therapist. God! I’m paying for the privilege so it’s not like she’s going to throw me out if she thinks I don’t need to be there!

      (Big sigh!)

      Deb

  • Melly
    March 16, 2012

    I think your therapy sessions & homework sound fascinating!

    You are being a little hard on yourself. You’ve been steadily improving; in your habits (exercise & eating) and in your mindset which is evident through your blog posts. And now you’re seeing a therapist to address all the other stuff in your head (& fridge!), so I think you’re going great guns Deb!!!

    • Debbish
      March 16, 2012

      Thanks Melly. I guess I am – it’s hard to notice when it’s so gradual. Reading back through some old blog posts recently was interesting… I was SO unmotivated and desperate initially, and then I got all enthusiastic and hyper on 12WBT (I still remember my ‘Feelin’ Groovy’ post!) but have (emotionally) sagged quite a bit since then. But – I’m still in a far better place than I was a year ago when I was contemplating weight loss surgery.

      Deb

  • Holly at 300 Pounds Down
    March 16, 2012

    I can realate to this dilemma about what and how much to share with the therapist. I’ve actually had this exact same fear before when in the therapist’s office. That I will not accurately convey the reality of how things were at some point in the past so that they can adequately take it into account. That b/c it’s a lot better now that I won’t accurately depict how horrible it was say a year or two ago. And then they’ll underestimate like you said the real deal. And somehow that will affect the feedback they give me. But I have to admit I overanalyze everything to death and I finally decided not to worry about it! Because if for some reason I don’t think they’ve connected the severity of what an issue is/was I just say it again! lol…I mean I guess I am paying for the hour so I get to say what I want!! Anyway I really relate to this!

    • Debbish
      March 16, 2012

      Thanks for your comment Holly… I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks like this. But you’re right… we’re paying for the pleasure of their advice so I guess it isn’t like she’s going to throw me out on my ear for being too sane!

      Deb

  • Marion
    March 16, 2012

    Hi Deb! Well, I think I answer questionnaires quite differently depending upon my mood. If I’m having a great day, I usually mark that I’m capable, friendly, helpful, etc… If I’m having a streak of demoralizing stuff at work, I mark that I struggle, that I’m as much as leader as is needed, that I should a little cooperate more, etc… So about honesty of questionnaires, which is the honest one: the great day, the horrifying day, or something in between?

    🙂 Marion

    • Debbish
      March 16, 2012

      Marion, I think that’s what worries me… that I can be so changeable. I could certainly relate to some of the questions, but didn’t necessarily feel that way right then (or hadn’t felt that way in the last week – which was the criteria in one case!). I felt like I needed to add pre-cursors to a lot of the things I was saying in the survey. I guess I get that chance in my actual appointments…

      Deb

  • Maureen
    March 16, 2012

    You are incredibly brave. I would love to learn why I eat everything but the paint on the wall but baring my soul scares the shit out of me.

    I wouldn’t pay money and then lie. I wouldn’t make the first appointment. 🙂

    • Debbish
      March 16, 2012

      Hi Maureen… this will only be my second appointment with this therapist, so it should be interesting. I’ll let you know how it goes!

      Deb

  • jules - big girl bombshell
    March 16, 2012

    Yes…those fears of being found out…yet wanting them to find out …

    Yes.. I have not necessarily lied to doctor’s just not been capable of digging deep enough to tell the whole truth…if that makes sense…

    But as I have found…it all comes out one way or another…whether I voice it..or act it out…good or bad…

    Good post….thank you

    • Debbish
      March 16, 2012

      Thanks Jules and thanks for dropping by. I find it hard in such situations… to know what’s important enough to share. Before and after I think of things I SHOULD have said, but at the time I just chat / blither! I guess they need to be skilled in eliciting the right information! (Hopefully!)

      Deb

  • Sasha
    March 17, 2012

    Oh Deb, I really need to keep up with my reader (as much as I need to keep up with my writing – neither has done all that well in the last month or so). I am looking forward to hearing how this approach works for you. I haven’t followed up on something similar only because I figure I’m prone to binge-eating simply because I’m fucked in the head and there’s nothing anyone can do about it :P.

    • Debbish
      March 17, 2012

      Me too Sasha – mostly (ie. why I binge-eat)… I expect it will be this way forever, but I hold out some hope!

      Deb

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