Just over two weeks ago I paid my first visit to a psychologist/dietician in the hope that I’ll start addressing some of the underlying factors contributing to my weight issues (aka, why I’m so fucked in the head and prone to binge-eating behaviour).
I wrote about my first appointment in my Mad monkey mind post and the realisation that there will be no quick fix – no light bulb moment suddenly averting my need to eat for reasons other than hunger.
I mentioned the other day that I was reading through old posts and I came across one I wrote while in the throes of my very successful weight loss attempts last year. It is one of the reasons I’m loath to be overly positive or definitive in my assertions now. In that post (To binge or not to binge) I realised I was no longer feeling the urge to binge-eat. Although, I did approach the issue with some qualifiers (HELLO, this is ME we are talking about), I was somewhat chuffed that I (along with my mindset, and inner critic, Myra) was improving.
AND WE KNOW HOW WELL THAT TURNED OUT DIDN’T WE?!
Christmas – New Year was a veritable cornucopia of decadence. My annual birthday cheesecake was inhaled in a sitting or two and I indulged in corn chips and chocolate daily. Not to mention endless alcohol. And the list goes on.
Since the initial weight loss (despite having significantly more to go) I’ve hit a wall and started to struggle – hence the decision to address some of the underlying issues.
And tomorrow (Saturday here in Oz) marks my second appointment with the person I’m hoping can help me change that. In my Mad monkey mind post (I just love saying that, so will say it in full whenever I get the chance – be warned) I mentioned that I had homework. Being the all-or-nothing kinda gal, I did that homework in the day or so after my appointment. Then I carried it around for two weeks before getting my act together and dropping it off at the therapist’s office.
As well as an intake document, I had to complete an 18 page questionnaire called a Weight and Lifestyle Inventory* (WALI). So… no, not the other Wall-e.
The inventory is fulsome. To say the least. It asks about my weight throughout periods of my life. It asks about my eating habits (obviously), my self-image, exercise routine, psychological aspects and about behavioural issues. It asks about my binge-foods. Obviously I’m not yet clear on the role that this history will play in my sessions, other than to give my therapist some detailed background information.
And it may be useful, because even as I completed a brief questionnaire in her office on my last visit, I was conscious that things weren’t as dire as they once were. Although my posts might sometimes sound like it, I’m not suffering the hopelessness and helplessness I felt just a year ago; and (at the moment) I am trying to be somewhat healthy. I’m not counting calories, but I’m not inhaling chocolate either. (Although I may well be getting ‘close’ again as my resolve is starting to wane.)
If I’m completely honest I almost felt like lying on the forms, so the therapist is aware that ‘this’ person she sees before her, is the ‘well-behaved’ version of me. I want her to know that ‘this’ is me being ‘good’; the equivalent of a ‘medicated’ me! I didn’t want her to underestimate how fucked in the head I truly have been – and possibly still am. If that makes sense. I mean, what if she thinks I’m mentally healthy when it comes to food and my body? What if she doesn’t realise there were years of self-harm contemplations and self-hatred? I KNOW that must sound ridiculous! Shouldn’t I be happy I’m ‘better’ than I was? Perhaps. Or perhaps I’m worried that this is temporary and the downhill spiral could again be lurking around a corner. Or perhaps I don’t want to be ‘well’ as I much prefer to play the victim!
So I can only guess that WALI will give her that insight. She can see that – as an adult – I once weighed 45kg and once weighed 130kg and work out what came in between. At least I hope she can.
Have you ever been tempted to lie to a physician or therapist so they don’t underestimate the problem at hand?
Do you think it’s a hangable offense?