I have well and truly fallen off the wagon.  Obviously.  Otherwise I would be proudly posting news of my success and virtuousness.  I have to admit that I can’t even remember why or how it happened.  I suspect one day I just didn’t count my calories.  Then another, and another.  I started acting in my boss’s job a month ago this week and so that possibly coincided with my topple from the wagon.

I realise I should exhibit more guilt or at least some remorse, and I do feel bad.  Kinda.  But I should feel worse.  I still worry I am in some state of denial that my weight problem is as grande (I decided to add the ‘e’ for effect!) as it is.  Hello, I am 125-126kgs?!  WTF do I think I look like for god’s sake.  I mean, I am sure I realise I have a weight problem.  I think about it and talk about it all of the time.  But I don’t actually do something about it.  Just recently I have noticed feeling a bit short of breath after bending over.  I have become one of those people.  You know… those people you smugly scoff at when you see them panting after tying a shoe.  The kind of person that used to make me feel better cos I was far more virtuous than them.  And nowhere near as big.  But that is perhaps not the case now.

I have mentioned before that I have absolutely no concept of what I look like.  Years ago (before I was big, though perhaps post-anorexia when I was starting to gain weight) I would constantly point out people and ask my mother, “Am I as big as that lady?  Or her?  Or her?”  And my mother would generally dutifully reply “N0.” Because at that point I wasn’t.  She isn’t as polite any more.

I am trying to work out what to do next.  What to try.  Of course I know it doesn’t really matter what I try because it is all about motivation.  I need to actually WANT to lose weight and believe I can do it.  Otherwise I will stuff about and my willpower will go up and down with my mood.

I have to admit that I am almost contemplating a pre-Christmas no-carb or ‘shake’ type diet.  My parents will be visiting shortly as my father has to undergo radiation treatment for an aggressive type of cancer.  His treatments are nightly (so my brother or I can drive my parents to the hospital and save mum worrying about driving through the city).  I am thinking that evening outings are a perfect time to break my ‘sitting in front of TV and eating’ nexus.  Currently my evenings are all about TV, food and alcohol (and not working).  Perhaps I can have a shake or a non-carb dinner in between the evening commitments.  (Having said that I am wondering about still actually drinking wine post-nightime hospital visits.)

Anyway… it is almost embarrassing to write down my plans because I have failed before.  I have a friend who was always big on ideas.  You know the type, “Next year I’m going to go and study X.” Or, “I’m thinking of quitting work and travelling to X to do Y.”  She was full of ideas but I used to tune out or offer platitudes because I knew she would change her mind 20 times and possibly do none of those things.  That is me in the weight loss arena.  All talk and no action.

I have, however, kept up these new pilates classes and walks with a friend.  I am doing 2 pilates classes each week (3 on occasions) and 1-2 walks a week, depending on the weather.  When I am with my friend I am shin splint-free.  In fact my only recent pain has been in my knee after walking, or during sometimes, but I figure that is self-inflicted (because of my hefty weight) so not anything I can complain about.

Earlier this year I was going to a personal trainer twice a week and working REALLY hard.  My 60min session on a Saturday morning often burned off 1000+ calories.  Unfortunately I was eating a lot of crap at the time so I actually gained weight over the 3mth period.  Then I quit and eventually started dieting.  But I wasn’t doing any exercise.  Now I am doing ‘some’ exercise but not dieting.  Hmmm…. if only I could get it all together at once the result might be a bit better!