One of my biggest fears is that it’s too late.
I’m 44 years old. Still single and wishing for… well, wishing for more. As each and every year passes I bemoan my continuing single status which – regular readers will know – I mostly blame on my weight. (And yes, I do know there are other things at play there!)
On top of that though, I sometimes feel that life has passed me by and it’s too late to achieve all of the things I wanted (and hoped) to achieve.
Bizarrely the first time I remember feeling like this was when I was at school and Nicole Kidman hit our screens in Oz in a movie called BMX Bandits. She featured in teenage magazines as ‘someone to watch’. And, she was my age. WTF was I doing with my life, I wondered?!
Fast forward many MANY years and I’ve often compared my life to others’ and felt dismay.
Not only might they be wealthier, slimmer, fitter, more attractive with a husband and family, but often they’re YOUNGER than me. Bitches! (Unfortunately an issue that only gets worse as one ages!)
And yes, I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others (comparison being the thief of joy and all that) but I’m a yardstick kind of gal.
In many ways I don’t feel particularly old. In fact I often feel downright immature. I used to wonder if the years in my late teens and early 20s I lost to anorexia and bulimia stunted my growth in some way. I was ready to party in my mid 20s and start dating in my 30s. Now I’m in my 40s I’m feeling a bit lost. I can’t dedicate my life to my family and career-wise I’m feeling unfulfilled and directionless.
I know those in their 50s, 60s or older would tell me I’m not THAT old. Although those in their 20s and 30s may think otherwise.
But I do feel as if life has passed me by: I feel sad about the fact that I’ll never have children. I feel sad that I won’t experience romantic love in the way that young people can and do. I feel sad that my father will never walk me down the aisle. Indeed if I WAS to have the opportunity marry at some point, a big white wedding would be somewhat strange at my age.
People my age are expected to be mature with a vast array of experiences behind them. I feel like my past offers up a big void. Missed opportunities. Unexperienced experiences. And this notion often drags me down. I wonder why I should bother at all?! Perhaps I should just give up and wait patiently for old age.
However… on the weekend I was again reminded that it may not be too late after all.
Fellow Brisbane blogger Vicki’s post featured an interview with a 47 year old woman who found health and fitness quite late in life. She says she now feels fitter and healthier than she did 10 years ago.
Then on Sunday afternoon I caught up with a former colleague – a friend from one of my overseas postings. S* is 67 years’ young and still working in the medical profession. She’s lost quite a bit of weight since I knew her. In fact, she told me that she’s now lighter that she has been for her entire adult life (yes, in her mid-late 60s)!!! She said she cannot help but wish she’d acted sooner.
Ahhh… hindsight.
So I’ve been pondering on these things. I worry I’ve left my ‘run’ too late. That it’s a case of ‘too little too late’ for me now. As I said, ‘why bother?!’
But, if I too could feel 10 years younger, or even just better (fitter and healthier) surely that would be a good thing. Agreed?
* Subtly disguising Sarah’s** name
** Fooled you. It’s not Sarah. God I’m hilarious!
September 5, 2012
I don’t think that there’s anyone alive who hasn’t had these thoughts. I wished I’d joined my running group earlier – hadn’t procrastinated because I’m too old and too slow. I wish I’d backed away from some stressors in my life before they affected my health. I wish I had some exciting goal ahead of me now that my kids are almost off my hands. But I have to play the hand I’ve been dealt and play it to the best of my ability. It’s either that or just lie down and wait to die and I’m not ready for that yet.
September 5, 2012
What a lovely attitude Char! I’m about to leave my Government job and work out what else I want to do (and can do to earn money to live!) so I do understand the notions of the stressors and making changes.
Deb
September 5, 2012
Thanks Deb! And no, it’s definitely not too late to “get fit and healthy”! X
September 5, 2012
I hope not… So much wasted time!
Deb
September 6, 2012
What Char said :). It’s never too late- well, it better not ever be too late! We do things when its right for us to do it. Yes, the words are coming out of my mouth, and I have to believe them. I’m finally just a couple of weeks away from finishing a book (Are Your Planets Keeping You Fat?) that I have been talking about writing for 5 years. I’ve set up the blog (also coincidentally called areyourplanetskeepingyoufat) & I’m putting it all out there- uncensored.
This blog of yours has inspired me that it’s only too late if you let it be. Thanks Deb.
September 6, 2012
I guess the work-related changes before me will also be forcing me to think more about my future. Congrats on finishing your book!!! A great achievement.
Deb
September 6, 2012
I don’t think it’s ever too late to start. And I totally get the whole comparing myself to others my age. I hate doing it. Because it makes me sad.
September 6, 2012
Yes Tina, it can be so depressing. I think also because we have no control over the age-thing that makes it worse!!!
Deb
September 6, 2012
I don’t believe its ever too late….and if you want a big white wedding when and if that day comes I say go for it! A wedding is for you! And other than Keith Urban I dont think Nicole Kidman has seemed to ‘have it all’ until now.
Deb many of us think your wonderful and inspiring…you just need to believe it too
Annaleis xxx
September 6, 2012
Oh Annaleis, you are so sweet. I have to admit – I was never a Keith Urban fan until The Voice recently appeared on our TV screens. Mostly I think I just loved NK’s etherial beauty and talent (well, back in the day anyway – before she had a bit of ‘work’ done!).
Deb
September 6, 2012
Ugh, I’m a lot like you in this. I don’t worry about not having children of my own or a husband but I do worry about not having a life. 🙂
Whether I’m fat or fit has really nothing to do with it (i.e. having a life) . If I’m not satisfied with my life I will not get slim no matter how hard I “try”.
September 6, 2012
I’ll probably talk about this in a blog post soon but I guess I’ve been confronted recently by some people my age (ish) or 5-10yrs older who’ve had major health issues etc and it makes me stop and wonder what I’d do if it was me. I’d have so many regrets. I don’t want to be that person – on their death bed, bemoaning their life – and I guess I’m kinda doing it now!
I also see your point – that it’s a vicious circle – being unhappy makes it harder to be positive and motivated about your future and focus on getting healthy and being unhealthy makes you (me) unhappy. I’m hoping the upcoming changes I make to my life will have some impact on that. Though can’t promise that will be the case!
Deb
xx
September 6, 2012
It’s never too late to have a crack at it. Never.
Thanks for linking up to The Bloggiest Loser Blog Hop. xxoxx
September 6, 2012
Hi Jac, will try to fix the link-up thing tomorrow! Thanks for dropping by and… I certainly hope you’re right; that it’s never too late!
Deb
September 6, 2012
Although I am a little younger that yourself, I know exactly how you feel. I look at people younger than me who have achieved so much and I wonder where I went wrong. I have a degree in subject that I have no intention of using and the career I want seems a long way in the future and something I should have started working on many years ago.
I also feel like I wasted a long time being overweight and unfit – missing out on so many things normal teenagers did.
But, then I just remind myself that it is NEVER too late. There are so many people that start out late in life. Whether that is career or relationships – there is always time to find happiness 🙂
September 6, 2012
I do understand what you’re saying Dannii. On one hand I’m regretting SO much; on the other I remind myself that I may well have half of my life left. And that’s a long long time!
Deb
September 6, 2012
Deb – the more time you spend wishing you’d acted sooner, the farther away you get from acting! Just DO IT. Do what you want to do! Do it now! I can’t say it any other way. I think the same thing, too. I wonder, uh if I hadn’t gained weight, if I hadn’t chose this career, etc. etc. My friends are all doing really well and are married, but I’m struggling to finish my degree, with very little money and am not yet married. But I’m doing all the things so that I will finish, that I will have the life I want. I can’t change the past – I can only go forward. You, too! Think about all the things you have and use them to amplify your life. Take what you’ve got and make it bigger and better. There is NOTHING STOPPING YOU! Just take one day at a time, say today I’m going to be awesome and DO IT. xoxoxoxoxxoxoxooxoxox
September 6, 2012
Thanks for your positivity and encouragement Julia. As I said in a response before, I guess the changes before me now (leaving my job etc) are giving me the opportunity to make some changes and I just have to make the most of it. THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS. (I hope!)
And in your case… you’ve definitely got the world ahead of you. You’ll be finished your PhD in no time!
September 6, 2012
Although our circumstances are not quite the same (I never wanted kids…but am married), I often feel that I have just very recently “grown up” (I will be 50 in November). It feels like the years from 0-44-ish were a waste in a lot of ways and then all this stuff happened and life was fantastic, and now BAM, I’m “old” and it’s all over. And then I remind myself that it really is up to me to make my life what I want it to be. And it’s freaking scary sometimes…but also exhilarating. I think, dear Deb, that the best is yet to be for you! Really and truly.
September 6, 2012
Oh, I hope so Karen… And I agree with you that only WE can make our lives what we want them to be and it’s my responsibility to do so!
Deb
September 7, 2012
We all have those “if only” thoughts at times, and it can be easy to get dragged down into thinking that your life sucks – especially when you start comparing it to others’. I’ve written a number of times about how I’m still waiting to feel grown up, or like I have everything all worked out. I think the reality is that nobody EVER feels that way. We’re all just faking it like mad.
That said, I made some pretty drastic changes relatively late in life. I changed careers at 39 after 20 years with the same employer. Man, that was scary. Then I started the whole healthy lifestyle/weight loss thing at 42. I returned to study and qualified as a fitness professional at 45, then started my own business.
Life isn’t all smooth sailing; I have huge doubts about what I’m doing and where I’m heading a lot of the time. But I forge ahead anyway, because what’s the alternative? Doing nothing and then regretting missed opportunities? No thanks. I’d rather be DOING than sitting around WISHING.
Just remember the saying: If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, that’s because it’s fertilised with bullshit. 😉
September 8, 2012
Love the quote Kerryn! And with my upcoming changes I ‘like’ to think I’m going to finally be DOING instead of WISHING. Guess failing is better than living with the regret!
Deb
September 7, 2012
Hey Deb
Great post. I am always worried I’ve missed the boat, left things too late. Sometimes I get so caught up in the fact that I’ll be 40 in just over two years and that I must do everything before then (eg find a partner and a career) or my life will be over or my options will run out, but of course that’s not true. I went through the same thing at 27. As if 30 was going to be some great turning point!
On the other hand, I always remember what my 98 year old grandfather said to me before he died: “you’re young for such a short time and old for a very, very long time. Enjoy your youth”. That’s if you live to 98 though!
I partied til I was 33. I did everything to avoid the realities of adulthood and to sustain my adolescence for as long as possible. I was waiting for my knight in shining armour to whisk me away from the pub and into the stability of coupledom and eventually family life. It didn’t happen because if I wanted that back then, I had to do it for myself!
People think I should regret the decisions I made, but I don’t. What’s the use in regrets? I can’t make it go away.
I do agree with what was said early about just effing do it! It being whatever you want it to be. I just don’t know why sometimes that seems so much easier said than done. When it comes to health and fitness I think the earlier the better, but it’s never too late.
Great story. Awesome conversation starter.
V.
September 8, 2012
True Vanessa. I guess the only alternative to NOT acting soon is having this same conversation in another 10 bloody years time – when I’ll be moaning about being 50 overweight and still single etc.
Deb
September 7, 2012
Hi Deb! You’d better not give up at age 44–because I’m that age too! 44 is young, I tell ya! Stop this nonsense!
I am reminded by cleaning up my husband’s extremely greasy big mess in the kitchen that relationships are not such of dreams. Guys have many annoying traits. Further, my husband is balding and has a rounded gut. So if you’re after someone with this many imperfections, guys are out there. But they don’t match up with dreams of youth. On the other hand, they are funnier and more realistic with how they view their girl, which is a good thing!
44 is not old! I have an aunt who married in her late 40’s. We thought she’d never marry and then she met a guy who was made just for her–all the same quirks! They are still quirkier than you’d ever believe and have been married for about 20 years now.
So never say never. If you really want it, you have to go out and put a lot(!) of energy into meeting new guys. The more eligible guys you meet, the better the odds of finding your match.
🙂 Marion
September 8, 2012
Hi Marion and I like to think when I feel better about myself I’ll be more open to meeting someone. Fingers crossed… guess I also need to get onto feeling better about me too!
Deb
September 7, 2012
NEVER too late. Ever. Look at S (whatever her name is ;). And if you should find yourself getting married, you go right ahead and have whatever sort of wedding you want!!! Yeah, 40 seemed old when we were in our 20s & 30s. The problem is, we only *ever* have a younger perspective to work from. Those young’uns will figure that out soon enough 🙂
HUGS. Never too late to change. Never too late to make healthy choices. Ever.
September 8, 2012
Thanks Sasha! I definitely hope so (guess I’m counting on it!).