One of my biggest fears is that it’s too late.
I’m 44 years old. Still single and wishing for… well, wishing for more. As each and every year passes I bemoan my continuing single status which – regular readers will know – I mostly blame on my weight. (And yes, I do know there are other things at play there!)
On top of that though, I sometimes feel that life has passed me by and it’s too late to achieve all of the things I wanted (and hoped) to achieve.
Bizarrely the first time I remember feeling like this was when I was at school and Nicole Kidman hit our screens in Oz in a movie called BMX Bandits. She featured in teenage magazines as ‘someone to watch’. And, she was my age. WTF was I doing with my life, I wondered?!
Fast forward many MANY years and I’ve often compared my life to others’ and felt dismay.
Not only might they be wealthier, slimmer, fitter, more attractive with a husband and family, but often they’re YOUNGER than me. Bitches! (Unfortunately an issue that only gets worse as one ages!)
And yes, I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others (comparison being the thief of joy and all that) but I’m a yardstick kind of gal.
In many ways I don’t feel particularly old. In fact I often feel downright immature. I used to wonder if the years in my late teens and early 20s I lost to anorexia and bulimia stunted my growth in some way. I was ready to party in my mid 20s and start dating in my 30s. Now I’m in my 40s I’m feeling a bit lost. I can’t dedicate my life to my family and career-wise I’m feeling unfulfilled and directionless.
I know those in their 50s, 60s or older would tell me I’m not THAT old. Although those in their 20s and 30s may think otherwise.
But I do feel as if life has passed me by: I feel sad about the fact that I’ll never have children. I feel sad that I won’t experience romantic love in the way that young people can and do. I feel sad that my father will never walk me down the aisle. Indeed if I WAS to have the opportunity marry at some point, a big white wedding would be somewhat strange at my age.
People my age are expected to be mature with a vast array of experiences behind them. I feel like my past offers up a big void. Missed opportunities. Unexperienced experiences. And this notion often drags me down. I wonder why I should bother at all?! Perhaps I should just give up and wait patiently for old age.
However… on the weekend I was again reminded that it may not be too late after all.
Fellow Brisbane blogger Vicki’s post featured an interview with a 47 year old woman who found health and fitness quite late in life. She says she now feels fitter and healthier than she did 10 years ago.
Then on Sunday afternoon I caught up with a former colleague – a friend from one of my overseas postings. S* is 67 years’ young and still working in the medical profession. She’s lost quite a bit of weight since I knew her. In fact, she told me that she’s now lighter that she has been for her entire adult life (yes, in her mid-late 60s)!!! She said she cannot help but wish she’d acted sooner.
So I’ve been pondering on these things. I worry I’ve left my ‘run’ too late. That it’s a case of ‘too little too late’ for me now. As I said, ‘why bother?!’
But, if I too could feel 10 years younger, or even just better (fitter and healthier) surely that would be a good thing. Agreed?
* Subtly disguising Sarah’s** name
** Fooled you. It’s not Sarah. God I’m hilarious!