third day blues

Wednesday, December 1, 2010 Permalink

I have really struggled today.  Though not with motivation.  I feel quite motivated.  Still.  My visiting parents have some chocolate in the refrigerator, but while I am SUPPOSED to be dieting I wouldn’t think of having any. Why I then devolve into a flour, water and sugar-eating imbecile at other times I have no idea.  But, as I said… at the moment I am motived.  Keen even.

I am, however, hungry. Tomorrow I am going to have some protein for breakfast (rather than yoghurt – and my only calcium servings for the day).  I am constantly ravenous in the morning.  I mean, I know I have only suffered through the low-carbohydrate diet for 3 days, but mornings have been the worst.  After a very small amount of yoghurt this morning (my container was almost empty!) I had to eat one of my frittatas late morning and the other only about half an hour later.  I was ravenous.  And tired.  I don’t know how much of my tiredness today was drawn from the fact that I have my parents visiting and the hospital radiation treatments kicking off; versus the change in diet, but whatever it was… I was friggin’ exhausted this morning.

And then I had a meltdown.  I was tired… and had taken on some additional stuff to alleviate others’ workloads (out of the kindness of my heart) but then I got extra work lumbered on me.  Then my dad’s treatment (cancelled tonight because of an ancillary workers’ strike) was rescheduled for today and I had to leave work just after midday to get home and get my parents back to the hospital at a time when I had a lot of work on my plate…. needless to say I freaked out at work and there were tears.  Of course I ended up leaving work and NOT leaving my parents in the lurch.  I also did 2hrs of work after getting back from the hospital which made me feel better and less guilty.  I hate that I am so paranoid about my working hours.  Yesterday I left work at 4.45pm so I could get home in sufficient time to take dad to his first treatment.  I had started work at 7.30 (and didn’t have a lunch break to allay the guilt) and yet, I found myself at the bus stop hoping no one saw me in case they thought I was one of those people who worked minimal hours and ALWAYS finished at 4.45pm…. Stupid stupid stupid.  Even today, I hated having to leave at 1pm and feeling stressed beyond belief because of that.  If I was a mother and had a sick child I wouldn’t think twice, but because I don’t have kids or other commitments normally, I NEVER have to take off.  So – and I am sorry – my venting is because… as a single female, I feel I have no excuse NOT to work as long as required or as long as I think I should because it is perceived by others – and obviously by myself – that I have no other commitments.  Grrr….. My fault as much as those I worry about judging me.

Meanwhile… I got through the day without consuming any food I shouldn’t, although I succumbed to some diet champagne and red wine.  But let’s face it, I had a fucking awful day and needed something to celebrate its passing!

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