So, it’s been nearly two months since we last caught up. I wish I could say I’ve missed this place, but… in all honesty I haven’t. But I’ve been writing in my Debbish blog regularly and local (Fraser Coast) blog less-regularly and I’ve been working… so keeping busy.
Part of my master plan included absorbing Diet Schmiet into my Debbish blog and the diet-ish stuff would become one topic of discussion (like books, TV and the like). HOWEVER… I’m yet to work out how to do that, AND I suspect there are still things I really don’t want to share on my mainstream blog – that I would share here. Some of you read both and know me anyway, but… there are others in my life with whom I’d prefer NOT to share my innermost thoughts and feelings (and I’ve written about some of those people in Debbish today!).
So, in the meantime Diet Schmiet will remain but I’m planning on posting less often (definitely not daily, for example). So, if you haven’t subscribed, click one of the buttons on the right sidebar and do so via email, Feedly, Blog Lovin etc to save you desperately opening my site day after day hoping in vain for a new post. (Cos I know you all do that! 😉 ) Actually, come to think of it, the hits would be good for my stats, so feel free to check several times a day if you so desire!
I emailed a friend the other day, about a few bits and pieces. “Things are going well,” I told her. I now have some regular contract work and don’t have to resort to trying to pursue business opportunities myself (I can continue to sit back and let them trickle in!); I’m still enjoying my beachside locale; I’ve made some nice friends here; and I’m enjoying being close to family. I told her.
However as this was my best friend, I felt I had to be completely honest. And, because I don’t feel I can restart Diet Schmiet without getting some stuff off my chest, here we go:
1. I’m not happy with my weight or body. I’ve put on the weight I lost a couple of years ago and perhaps more.
2. After 30 years of dieting I ‘know’ dieting doesn’t work for me long term, or at least I haven’t found a way of reaching my ‘ideal’ weight and keeping it off.
3. While I get the ‘mindful’ eating approach and support ‘not dieting’ I still find myself hovering between over-eating and binge eating – without the occasional restricted eating / dieting to balance it out. Sure, I do binge less (rarely) if I’m not trying to diet… but I’m still eating way more than I should. I haven’t conquered mindful / intuitive eating. AT ALL.
4. The self-love / self-acceptance thing continues to evade me. I’ve tried and I’ve made progress. I mostly like the rest of myself nowadays. I know it should be possible to ‘accept or love’ who you are, while recognising that there’s still room for improvement.
But… I’m still waiting to become the person who I feel and believe is worthy of love – from myself and others. WHEN I lose weight… etc etc.
I still cannot imagine (at this point) that any man would want to be seen with me, let alone want to ‘be’ with me.
5. Other than the aesthetics and usual superficial reasons… I would like to lose weight to feel more comfortable. I hate to admit it but the shin splints I get when I walk (for exercise) are unbearable. Plus my back and hip ache. I’m not willingly doing ANY cardio exercise. And it’s hard to believe that just over a year ago I was gymming 4-5 days a week. In addition, my stomach continues to be in the way at yoga (and in life in general!). Indeed, my constantly bloated belly is probably the thing I most hate about my body.
6. Despite all of this: despite the fact I’d love to be in a relationship; despite the fact I feel uncomfortable and awkward; despite the fact I feel unhealthy; and despite the fact I’m hating what I see in the mirror more and more every day; I CANNOT bring myself to do something about it. Each time I decide to ‘start’ a diet, I immediately start bingeing on my ‘Last Supper’ (the last hurrah before a diet which never comes). I’ve thought about sensible weightloss options, like Weight Watchers but just can’t pluck up the momentum I need to ‘start’.
It makes me second-guess myself and my motivation.
I start to wonder: Perhaps I really don’t want to find a partner and feel better about myself and my body? Perhaps I could be happy and just as fulfilled by spending each night eating whatever I want in front of the TV and not having to stress about exercise.
And so I have to ask myself: “Would you be happy if this is what the rest of your life is like?”
So…. this is where I’m at. Kinda happy, but kinda not. Kinda moving towards the life I’ve dreamed of living, but kinda not. Just kinda stuck between what I could / should do; and what I want / need to do.
Would you be happy if ‘this’ is what the rest of your life is like?
Can you relate? Have you ever been stuck?
Today I’m linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT!