Things I need to get off my chest

Tuesday, December 3, 2013 Permalink

So, it’s been nearly two months since we last caught up. I wish I could say I’ve missed this place, but… in all honesty I haven’t. But I’ve been writing in my Debbish blog regularly and local (Fraser Coast) blog less-regularly and I’ve been working… so keeping busy.

Part of my master plan included absorbing Diet Schmiet into my Debbish blog and the diet-ish stuff would become one topic of discussion (like books, TV and the like). HOWEVER… I’m yet to work out how to do that, AND I suspect there are still things I really don’t want to share on my mainstream blog – that I would share here. Some of you read both and know me anyway, but… there are others in my life with whom I’d prefer NOT to share my innermost thoughts and feelings (and I’ve written about some of those people in Debbish today!).

So, in the meantime Diet Schmiet will remain but I’m planning on posting less often (definitely not daily, for example). So, if you haven’t subscribed, click one of the buttons on the right sidebar and do so via email, Feedly, Blog Lovin etc to save you desperately opening my site day after day hoping in vain for a new post. (Cos I know you all do that! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) Actually, come to think of it, the hits would be good for my stats, so feel free to check several times a day if you so desire!

preparedI emailed a friend the other day, about a few bits and pieces. “Things are going well,” I told her. I now have some regular contract work and don’t have to resort to trying to pursue business opportunities myself (I can continue to sit back and let them trickle in!); I’m still enjoying my beachside locale; I’ve made some nice friends here; and I’m enjoying being close to family. I told her.

However as this was my best friend, I felt I had to be completely honest. And, because I don’t feel I can restart Diet Schmiet without getting some stuff off my chest, here we go:

1. I’m not happy with my weight or body. I’ve put on the weight I lost a couple of years ago and perhaps more.

2. After 30 years of dieting I ‘know’ dieting doesn’t work for me long term, or at least I haven’t found a way of reaching my ‘ideal’ weight and keeping it off.

3. While I get the ‘mindful’ eating approach and support ‘not dieting’ I still find myself hovering between over-eating and binge eating – without the occasional restricted eating / dieting to balance it out. Sure, I do binge less (rarely) if I’m not trying to diet… but I’m still eating way more than I should. I haven’t conquered mindful / intuitive eating. AT ALL.

4. The self-love / self-acceptance thing continues to evade me. I’ve tried and I’ve made progress. I mostly like the rest of myself nowadays. I know it should be possible to ‘accept or love’ who you are, while recognising that there’s still room for improvement.

But… I’m still waiting to become the person who I feel and believe is worthy of love – from myself and others. WHEN I lose weight… etc etc.

I still cannot imagine (at this point) that any man would want to be seen with me, let alone want to ‘be’ with me.

5. Other than the aesthetics and usual superficial reasons… I would like to lose weight to feel more comfortable. I hate to admit it but the shin splints I get when I walk (for exercise) are unbearable. Plus my back and hip ache. I’m not willingly doing ANY cardio exercise. And it’s hard to believe that just over a year ago I was gymming 4-5 days a week. In addition, my stomach continues to be in the way at yoga (and in life in general!). Indeed, my constantly bloated belly is probably the thing I most hate about my body.

6. Despite all of this: despite the fact I’d love to be in a relationship; despite the fact I feel uncomfortable and awkward; despite the fact I feel unhealthy; and despite the fact I’m hating what I see in the mirror more and more every day; I CANNOT bring myself to do something about it. Each time I decide to ‘start’ a diet, I immediately start bingeing on my ‘Last Supper’ (the last hurrah before a diet which never comes). I’ve thought about sensible weightloss options, like Weight Watchers but just can’t pluck up the momentum I need to ‘start’.

It makes me second-guess myself and my motivation.

I start to wonder: Perhaps I really don’t want to find a partner and feel better about myself and my body? Perhaps I could be happy and just as fulfilled by spending each night eating whatever I want in front of the TV and not having to stress about exercise.

And so I have to ask myself:ย “Would you be happy if this is what the rest of your life is like?”ย 

So…. this is where I’m at. Kinda happy, but kinda not. Kinda moving towards the life I’ve dreamed of living, but kinda not. Just kinda stuck between what I could / should do; and what I want / need to do.

Would you be happy if ‘this’ is what the rest of your life is like?
Can you relate? Have you ever been stuck?ย 

Today I’m linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT!

19 Comments
  • Char
    December 3, 2013

    Interesting question. Sometimes I’d say yes, that I love my life. Other times it’d be a definite no. Like yesterday when I wanted to kill (or at least maim) half of my family. Although I do think PMS had something to do with that.

    • Debbish
      December 3, 2013

      At least there’s some good. I think the same thing – there’s some stuff that sucks – but also some good stuff.

  • Jess
    December 3, 2013

    This is such a real issue for so many women. They are unhappy with their weight, have tried all kinds of things and feel stuck in the contemplation phase not knowing where to go with it all next. I struggled with binge eating and trying to be an intuitive eater. It definitely put a dampner on my general happiness. I did eventually overcome it but it was slow.

    I’m sorry for your frustrations. You have actually achieved a lot since youve moved despite your troubles. It takes guts to overhaul your life and really make huge changes. Even though it was what you wanted I’m sure it has not been without its stresses. It will get easier to work on the other aspects of your life as you settle into your new life even more. ๐Ÿ™‚ Sorru that was a long ranty comment.

    • Debbish
      December 3, 2013

      Thanks for your comment Jess and no it wasn’t long and ranty! I think I also need to remember to focus on the good, as well as the negative!

  • Satu
    December 3, 2013

    I can certainly relate, as I’ve felt very stuck during the last 5-6 years. I honestly wouldn’t be happy if this is how my life would go on and on. I’m changing things but the process is V-E-R-Y slow. It will probably take years. And I don’t even know where I will end up.

    If I can offer guess, I think you genuinely want a relationship but are also afraid of starting one. That is how I feel myself, even though I offer different reasons for not being able do do so. ๐Ÿ™‚

    (This is the unsolicited advice department) I think it’s also a possibility that it will be very difficult for you to become a normal eater just on your own. I follow a Finnish blogger (nutrition scientist by training) who works with people who have binge eating disorders (his biggest client group) and he wrote that it usually takes 2-4 years to solve the issue and that therapy may be needed on the side because ~50% binge eaters are depressed.

    Anyway, the process is very long like Jess said.

    • Debbish
      December 3, 2013

      The worst thing is that I like to think I’ve been trying to resolve my eating issues for the last 20-30 years now… although to be honest, it’s probably really only for the last 5-6 years I’ve tried to break the binge / diet cycle.

      I don’t know that I’ll ever become a normal eater Satu, and that’s scary.

      And on the relationship front, I know a lot of people suggest putting yourself out there ‘as you are’ and not waiting til you lose weight, but….

      • Satu
        December 5, 2013

        I’ve put a lot of effort to fixing my own eating issues during the last 4-5 years. I’ve managed to create a diet that is much healthier (at a bit more relaxed) but I haven’t managed to lose the extra weight yet.

        Trying to “muscle” it doesn’t seem to work, so now I’m just aiming to stop overthinking my weight and eating.

  • Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me
    December 3, 2013

    I’m a wee bit stuck but not really as kids make my life forever changing. I have over committed to work, but we need the money so MEH. I have to say please please please accept your awesome self for what it is, life is hard enough without being tough on the way we look! Hugs and strength to you lovely! Em xx

    • Debbish
      December 3, 2013

      Thanks so much for your lovely comment. I really am trying to be more accepting and forgiving of myself, but it’s really a struggle for me.

      xx

  • jules
    December 3, 2013

    great post….as you have followed my path…My honest answer: To expect to be happy if โ€˜thisโ€™ is what the rest of your life is like…..is seeking perfection. We are complex people living in a complex world seeking simplistic answers….

    Would I be happy if “this”…whatever the this might be….is simply settling. We always seem to want more, want some things we don’t have, while cherishing some we do have.

    What struck me most was the reference I havenโ€™t conquered mindful / intuitive eating. AT ALL…..Oh my dear Deb I SO remember that feeling! For me, realizing the whole basis of that eating thing is NOT something to conquer. It is something to FLOW with. As in the flow of our breath in and our breath out….that rhythm changes as do our eating flows. I think of it more as bodyful, instinctual fueling.

    Working on our thoughts, our stress levels, and focus on things inside my body,, learning to flow with the river of life rather than push through the currents by paddle boat or motor boat, has been the biggest steps for me to move forward….. xoxo

    • Debbish
      December 4, 2013

      Thanks for your comment Jules. You’ve made me think a little about the happiness/ contentment thing. On the whole I’d be happy if THIS was my life forever more. I do just need to get past the ‘waiting for….’ (perfection / things to be better concept.

      xx

  • KCLAnderson (Karen)
    December 4, 2013

    I am with Jules 100%. 1000%.

    Flow. Fluctuation. Peace. All of the gray areas. Both/and. Relax. Surrender.

    I am imagining you lying on your back on a soft mat on the floor, with a comfy pillow under your head and another under your knees. You are supported and perfectly comfortable. You close your eyes and you focus on allowing each and every bit of yourself to relax, one bit at a time. You quiet your mind. And you breathe in a way that feels easy and natural…you notice your breathing but you’re not trying to control it in any way. Allow yourself permission to just be without any stress or judgment in your head or body.

    • Debbish
      December 4, 2013

      I have to say Karen, the thing I’ve enjoyed most about getting a bit more into yoga over the past few months is that it does help me connect more with the ‘now’. I’m not a huge follower of ‘The Power of Now’ and the like, but do realise I spend much of my time (mentally) in the past or in the future (if… / when…) rather than just sitting with my thoughts and feelings and being more accepting of who I am. NOW. (I almost said ‘DESPITE’ everything…. but know I should think, “BECAUSE’ of everything…)

      Deb

  • EssentiallyJess
    December 4, 2013

    No, I wouldn’t be happy if this was all there was to my life. Not because I think my life sucks, but because I think it’s important to grow and change and have purpose. Having said that, I’m well aware that my life is how it is going to be for a while, and that I have to be content with that. It’s a hard balance to find

    • Debbish
      December 4, 2013

      Very true indeed. I suspect there’s a balance between acceptance / satisfaction / improvement and perfection. Or something.

  • Kerstin
    December 6, 2013

    Totally get this. You pretty much sum up how I’ve been feeling for a long time. Even though I have complete control over my own thoughts and actions I just don’t trust myself to make the changes I need to make on a permanent basis. Resistance is my middle name and for now I am just accepting it for what it is because there is too much else going on in my life. I don’t think though that I would be happy to be as overweight as I am now for the rest of my life, mostly because I feel so damn uncomfortable and it’s affecting my health. I often feel like such a loser for not getting a grip on this issue that’s been haunting me for most of my life. But I have also learned an important and somewhat surprising lesson: my size has nothing to do with my ability to love and be loved. Nothing at all.

    • Debbish
      December 7, 2013

      I love that sentiment Kerstin (about size not being a barrier to love) but just can’t bring myself to believe it. I know bigger people who are in relationships or married and their partners seem quite normal (ie. they didn’t have to settle for JUST ANYTHING because of their size – which I assume to be the case). I do realise part (most?) of my issue is my own… ‘How could anyone vaguely decent be attracted to me? To THIS thing that is me?’ type of thing…

      xx

  • Lou
    December 13, 2013

    Well now I am at home with the dreaded Swedish Winter Vomiting Disease, so I truly hope that the rest of my life will be like this ๐Ÿ™‚ And I am also in Sweden, so I don’t think I can see this day being like the rest of my life. Here’s hoping anyway. I’m sorry to read you are struggling with things, I hope you can find a way out for yourself.

  • Jackie
    December 24, 2013

    Merry Christmas, hope you have a wonderful one ๐Ÿ™‚

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