Last week I confessed to some recent bingeing behaviour.
I’ve since reined it in and not really binged since then. (Writing about it / admitting to it obviously helped!)
I mentioned that although I’ve tried practising self-acceptance (the kind where you decide you’re okay, even though you’re still a work in progress) I’ve felt somewhat desperate to drop a lot of weight. Quickly.
In the past, my motivation for losing weight has predominantly been about others and their perceptions: I can’t wear the clothes I want (to be seen as the person I want to be). I’m tired of being single and unattractive. I’m tired of being judged. And so forth.
I’m part of a private Facebook forum and there was a discussion about this very issue recently. Someone wondered if we were unsuccessfully comparing ourselves to others or caving to society’s expectations and feeling like we ‘should’ lose weight.
I thought about this and realised – for a change – it wasn’t the case.
“Nope,” I said. “It’s all about me.”
And it is.
I haven’t talked much about this and am hugely embarrassed that I’ve become one of those people I’ve longed judged.
In the yoga classes I’ve been attending, I’ve struggled with certain things because my stomach gets in the way. I can’t sit back in child’s pose. I can’t bend forward without widening my legs to make way for my stomach. I can’t do exercises I once found easy.
In Zumba I’m now very conscious of my body weight and movement. My fitness is slowly increasing but I really feel strain on my ankles and shins when I do high-impact moves. Bouncing on one foot alone (for more than a few beats) is just too hard.
And on top of this… I’m getting shin splints and a sore hip/back when I walk any real distance.
I know I should be more worried about my health and fitness, but… my current (somewhat desperate) need to lose weight is coming from a place of comfort and logistics.
I’m reminded that when I was around this weight a couple of years ago and started exercising as part of the weight loss program I was on (12WBT) I actually stuck to an exercise bike for most of the 12 week program. After a month or so I went to weekly boxing classes; but, it wasn’t until I’d lost most of the 19kg that I ventured into a gym. My 20 minute interval training stints on the bike and ‘diet’ meant that I started exercising more energetically at a significantly lower weight and increased fitness. Of course, those who read this blog or followed me on Twitter may remember how much I hated that bloody exercise bike by the end of the 12 weeks.
So, while I am still committed to not-dieting – knowing that the process of restricting foods/calories sends me into a binge eating tailspin – I can’t quite work out HOW I drop weight (which I need to do to function in the way I want).