I did it again.

I know I should know better. But… alas… Having committed to doing without chocolates or rice cakes or corn chips for the month of June, on the evening of 31 May I consumed a large amount of rice cakes and chocolate. Gah!

Although… the internal conversation before doing so was different. And that alone gives me hope.

Naturally I decided sometime during the day that I would partake (that night) in the forbidden fruit before it was forbidden. Also Thursday is my Friday so it was part of the whole celebrating-the-week-is-over thing! All day I looked forward to it and had the details meticulously planned. There would be ONE packet of cheese rice cakes, some sour cream (for the dip) and probably a bag of 12 caramello koalas.

After five o’clock came and went, I left work in dark drizzly one-day-before-winter weather. I needed some soda water for my diet champagne, so called into the corner store at the train station. I knew I could get some when I went on my forbidden-fruit buying foray, but had time. And there…. as I queued at the checkout with my $1.49 bottle of soda water, I saw them – Easter Eggs, almost two months after Easter. Seemingly from nowhere. And they were my favourites. Red Tulip bags of caramello and solid eggs.

Of course I picked up a bag from the ‘on-special’ basket as I went to the checkout. 400+g of my favourite chocolate (only available once a year). It was surely a sign.

But this is when my story gets interesting (and I know you were thinking it had to happen sometime. Right?)

Like I said, it was a crappy night. The train ride home on the too-full train was not particularly pleasant or comfortable. But the drizzle held off during the walk from the train station to my place which allowed me some time to ponder.

I realised I really didn’t want to get my car and go out again. I really didn’t feel like cheese rice cakes. I wasn’t in the mood to cook (not even my fave fillet steak and mashed potatoes – a perfect winter feast), but I felt more like pizza or takeaway Chinese. But… I can have them anytime. They aren’t on my ‘things I shouldn’t eat cos I eat too much of them’ (binge) food list.

I went into my apartment. Stuck the soda water into the freezer and kept pondering. It occured to me then that the inner voices had almost switched sides. It was the logical part of my brain telling that I HAD to go and buy the rice cakes cos I’d planned it all day. The devious part of my mind (my mad monkey mind, or inner critic Myra) was saying “I want pizza. I want garlic chicken.”

It got to the point that I realised the insanity of having to convince myself that I needed to buy the planned binge food. So I almost didn’t. But then I did. No chocolate (cos the Easter Eggs served that purpose), but rice cakes and dip – yes.

I’ve long been a Last Supper kind of gal. And have recently written about it here! When I decided in my last post to ‘do without’ my danger foods for a month, I thought it wouldn’t be as scary as ‘never again’. And, quite frankly – I must confess that it isn’t. And I wonder if that’s why I wasn’t as compelled to binge.

The rest of the evening unfolded. I had some rice cakes and dip. And Easter Eggs. Full, I lolled in the bath with a book and some red wine. A couple of hours later I got out to eat the remainder of my feast. But… I felt full and uncomfortable. I had a pile of little Easter Eggs left. Even stuffing them down unthinkingly wasn’t very satsifying. So I gave up and went to bed.

I’m still trying the ‘not-dieting’ approach – in case you were wondering – but because I’ve realised I CANNOT control my consumption of my danger foods I am restricting them for a while. I know that cutting out certain foods isn’t sustainable but I really need to break the habit I’ve gotten into. At the moment I CANNOT go to the supermarket without buying things I shouldn’t be eating regularly. (My ‘sometimes’ foods.) Until I can, I probably need to limit them.

I’m hoping that by only cutting those foods out, but not having other rigid rules means that I don’t feel overly deprived, which is something I usually do if ‘dieting’. Similarly, I’m hoping that the ‘I’m not eating them for one month’ thing also doesn’t feel as catastrophic as ‘never eating them again’.

I must confess I’m not sure what last night’s effort tells me. The fact that I spent all day planning my Last Supper, is not a good sign; but the fact that I had to convince myself to go through with it, surely shows some growth. (Doesn’t it?)

It’s 1 June today. The day I start my 30 day challenge. And I’m ready. Believe it or not!After I got up this morning I tweeted this:

[blackbirdpie url=”https://twitter.com/Schmiet/status/208344579005620224″]

I’d tipped the remainder of my chocolate Easter Eggs into my rubbish bin and they needed to go. Although they didn’t interest me last night, I would have eaten them for breakfast without blinking.

I’ve mulled over last night, and even when first in bed and then this morning, it occurs to me that the thing I enjoyed most about the evening wasn’t the rice cakes; it wasn’t the caramel-filled eggs; and it wasn’t even the wine or new episode of ‘Law & Order SVU’. It was the book I read in the bath. That was what gave me the most pleasure last night (and the thing I enjoyed most in my entire day). I’m pretty sure there’s a lesson for me there. If I’m prepared to listen!

Meanwhile, like I said, the 30 day challenge begins. Check out my Facebook page for my first #photoadayJUNE!

And, until later, I’m hoping my current mood continues cos I feel a bit like this…