One of my fave blogs – although I NEVER leave comments – is that of happiness doyenne Gretchen Rubin. Her posts – more often than not – resonate with me. I particularly love the way she encourages us to examine our behaviour in ways that aren’t typical and don’t include the usual psycho-babble. Are you an abstainer or moderator? she asks. Do you prefer the simple to abundance? Are you a finisher or an opener? And so forth.
In a recent post Rubin reminded readers that – those things that irritate us in others are often behaviours, habits or characteristics that we ourselves exhibit. I’ve long believed this, although in true superficial-me style it’s usually about noses rather than behaviour!
The Rubin post in question however, was actually about the fact that she is an ‘over-explainer’. It’s something she hates in others, she said and something she realises she does herself.
Rubin provided some examples of her over explaining and I thought, “Oh shit. I do that!”
I know I’m long-winded. Anyone who’s ever read my blogs would not debate this fact. I can be brief, rest assured; but in line with my black/white and all/nothing behaviour, I’m either ridiculously succinct or frighteningly blithery.
I over-explain. Like Rubin I can’t just apologise for being late. I have to explain. I have to offer up a reason. It occurs to me I feel obliged to justify stuff. I’m overly apologetic. I’m reminded again of my fear of being a nuisance, putting people ‘out’ or taking up space.
I realise that over-explaining is akin to justifying our / my existence, and that’s not what I want to be doing. Anymore.
Even now I feel compelled to offer examples of my over-explaining so… although it’s killing me, I won’t. Instead I’ll leave you with one of my favourite Thoreau quotes. And… it’s brilliant in its brevity.
Are you an over-explainer? Or perhaps you leave others hanging for more?
July 21, 2013
I’m definitely an over explainer! Never thought about characteristics that annoy me being my own but you are spot on!
July 21, 2013
My dad and I were very similar and I knew that the things that irked me about me were things that I also did. (Or vice versa, what I hated about myself were things I saw in him!)
July 21, 2013
Yeah, I think I’m an over-explainer. I can never just say sorry for being late. I have to give a full explanation. I’ve been trying to practice not giving excuses when I’ve been invited to something that I can’t or don’t want to attend. I realised that I’m quite happy with an ‘I’ve got a prior engagement’ response so I should be happy to give the same. But it nearly kills me to not explain in minute detail why I can’t come.
July 21, 2013
I used to always over-explain when I was sick and away from work. I’d go into great detail about whatever was wrong as if I wouldn’t be believed and had to justify my illness. In reality no one really cared unless I was away excessively – which I never was. But still…
July 22, 2013
Oh my! I think I’m an over explainer too. And I too often get annoyed when people over explain. I need to go read her blog…
July 23, 2013
Oh yes. I’m a fan of Gretchen’s blog. I can relate to SO many of her posts. I currently have a draft of the simplicity vs abundance thing which has been sitting in my drafts folder for a while. (It’s particularly relevant while I’m mother-sitting as she’s a big fan of abundance and clutter and I’m all about clean spaces etc!)
July 22, 2013
Except that people who are stingy, inconsiderate and/or tardy are those who annoy me most. And I think I’m self aware enough to know that I’m not those things. Soooo, I don’t know.
July 23, 2013
Yes, those things annoy me too (homophobia, racism and the obvious stuff) but I suspect it’s others habits which irk me a bit – often things they do that they’re not aware of (which I may also be not aware I’m doing!!!). #eek
July 22, 2013
My mum and I are over explainers, although I call us “details conversationalists”. We like to give a back story, go on tangents and then maybe get back to the point. It drives some people crazy. I’ve learnt through corporate education programs that the best communicators communicate in a way their audience listens rather than how they like to speak. If you know what I mean. Which is probably why I don’t have a huge blog following. My posts are well past what is considered acceptable for web reading.
V.
PS. I know you turned comments off your last two posts, but the one before last really resonated with me. I’m there with you, sister! Gained half of all the lapband weight I’ve lost in the last six months since I’ve fallen back into depression. I’m in a pit of self flagellation through overeating and I don’t know how to get out. I wish I could inspire you as much as I wish someone could flick the switch in my head. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone!
July 23, 2013
I do know what you mean Vanessa. I often go off on such a tangent when I’m story-telling that I completely lose my train of thought – or the tangent becomes more interesting. It happens a bit with my blog posts as well and they become really long. I TRY to tell myself to STOP and write about the issue in a separate post, but it doesn’t always work.
And, thanks for your comment about the bingeing post. I had a couple of twitter comments from people saying they could relate. It’s hard to talk about without the fear of being chastised. I had a sort-of falling out with a US blogger friend who is more of the ‘suck it up sweetheart’ school of thought and I just couldn’t explain HOW / WHY I couldn’t find the motivation etc I needed to not-binge, or not feel like my life is over when I restrict food. I don’t mean to say that – unless you’ve had disordered eating you don’t get it… but I know from my own family and friends that they often don’t.
xxx