The ghosts of christmases past

Wednesday, January 4, 2012 Permalink

I recently spent Christmas at home with my mother. It was just the two of us, following the passing of my father two months before… and I have to say, it was very pleasant and mostly quite restful.

On a couple of evenings, in the absence of anything decent to watch on television, we pulled out home movies – although not those from my childhood, which we’ve watched far too many times. Rather, we found some old videos (yes, actual videos) of my niece. Miss E is now 15 years old and the movies in question were filmed throughout her first five or so years.

My niece was an extremely happy child and delighted in staging ‘concerts’ for family and friends (even then). As a result there were many many (many) LONG dance performances and hilarious renditions of the Sound of Music chorus, which featured regularly… and by 5 years of age, my niece STILL didn’t know the words and would mumble nonsensical lyrics sending mum and I into hysterics each time.

Other than dance performances, there were also many unwrapping-of-presents scenes, from birthdays and Christmases over the period. Although I was living overseas for part of the time I’d often coordinated my visits home for such occasions, so could remember nearly all of them.

NO'T PHOTOGRAPH [Tickets Done!]But what I was most conscious about last week when watching them – although they were predominantly of my niece opening her gifts, or presenting them to others – was me. In particular I cringed at a scene at Christmas in 2000 where I literally fled from the prying lens of the video camera. You can hear my sister-in-law reassuring me in the background that I’m not in view. Nevertheless, there are naturally glimpses.

I was at my previous heaviest at the time (at about 120kg). I was working overseas (in a South East Asian developing country) as a diplomat and I’d lost a bit of weight when I’d first gone there over a year before, but – unsurprisingly – it’d found its way home again (it followed me there… just like the proverbial lost puppy!).

Having sat through the vision of that Christmas, and knowing ‘how the movie ended’ (well, having been there at the time), I was keen to see the next Christmas.

I knew you see, that during the following year, I’d gone to an expensive health retreat (as opposed to the oft-mentioned fat camp) because I was stressed,  unhealthy, and unhappy. I was also well aware that the experience was (at the time, anyway) life-changing for me. EVERYONE back in my o/s home commented on the change in me when I returned. My less-than-caring boss even became conscious of the inordinate pressure we’d been under. Not only had I lost quite a bit of weight (and girth) during the 3 weeks, but apparently my face had changed completely! Like a black veil being lifted. In fact, there was an occasion when someone who knew me fairly well didn’t actually recognise me – just over a month after I’d seen her last.

My time at the Golden Door Health Retreat made me rethink my work-life balance (for the first time) and ultimately resulted in my decision to leave the Federal Government when my posting finished, to be closer to family. In addition however, I became more health-conscious (for some time) and kept exercising after I left the retreat. It wasn’t easy. In my then country-of-residence there were no gyms or exercise classes, so it meant walking before the South East Asian sun overwhelmed the day and dancing about (plus doing weights) my air-conditioned spare bedroom. As a result by the time I got home to Oz at the end of 2001 (for good) I was back into double digits. I still had a way to go, BUT I knew I looked better, and I certainly felt better.

A young girl hidingAs a result I was keen to see what I looked like on 25 December 2001; and if my lower weight had any impact on my behaviour, or whether I remained apologetic and self-conscious in front of the camera. And watching the video ten years later, it was obvious that I did in fact shy away from the camera less. I didn’t exactly pose for it (I barely acknowledged its presence) but as I was assisting my (then) 5 year old niece in reading names on cards, I featured regularly on-screen.

When mum and I watched it I told her there was just ‘something’ about me in the footage. I don’t know what. I still needed to lose weight and I was dressed in unattractive exercise gear, but it was significantly better than the train wreck of the previous year… although I couldn’t place my finger on exactly what it was. My hair was long and quite blonde and I was tanned from regular outdoor walking, so perhaps it was my colouring. I’m not sure. I just looked different. If pushed I’d say ‘healthier’. More ‘vital’. If that makes sense.

In the lead up to this past Christmas I did an Avatar envy post in which I commented on the number of new Twitter and Facebook profile photographs popping up about the place. At the time I said that I was far from ready to adorn my blogs or Twitter accounts with the ‘real me’. In fact, I was far from ready to feature in any photographs at all.

Unfortunately there were some moments over the Christmas period during which I was given no choice. I caught up with old school friends and phones and digital cameras were pulled out for the obligatory reunion photographs. I naturally cringed when I saw them later appear on Facebook and wondered how long I needed to wait before I subtly untagged those of me.

This face is a scrap book dedicated to who I am, dammit! And by God, I'm gorgeous.It depresses me that I can’t just pose for a photograph without worrying how fat I will look, or how embarrassed I’m gonna be when I see it, or who else will see it. I don’t want to be like that any more. I want to be someone who doesn’t literally run away when they see a camera, or forbid their friends from taking photographs. I WANT to be that person. I WANT to get there. But, to lose the weight required to NEVER look ‘fat’ in photographs is going to take some time. I mean, I know I’m slowly getting there and already I’m LESS aghast at the celluloid outcomes than I was a year ago.

I’m not a rabid photographer and not one to collect ‘things’ like photographs, but my dread of photographs (solely because of my weight) means there are entire chunks of my life undocumented. And I seriously regret that.

But you know something else… and perhaps even more than wishing I hadn’t been (wasn’t) too overweight to appear in photos; I wish I was someone who didn’t care. I wish that I felt comfortable enough in my own skin, that when someone pulled out a camera, I stood and smiled confidently knowing THIS IS ME. This is who I am. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. But sadly I’m not there yet either.

I’m thinking though, that I could fake it. So here’s a personal challenge to myself: next time I’m at something when someone points a camera in my direction I will NOT run. I will NOT hide. I will stand and smile.

It occurs to me that the photographer knows what I look like anyway. It also occurs to me that the person I’m probably not wanting to see that photograph (ie. to be confronted by reality) is, in fact, me!

14 Comments
  • Julia @ Boyfriends Make You Fat
    January 4, 2012

    I understand your camera shyness. I feel the same way. In time, I’ve accepted the “this is me” but now I feel like that acceptance has made me complacent. I want to love myself AND look better… the question is, “how?”

    • rockafellaskank
      January 4, 2012

      Indeed. I understand the complacency especially as it relates to dieting and body image. I think I wrote a post saying that: when I’ve lost weight I’m a tad chuffed and feel a bit smug… but I have to be careful because often I still have an equal amount of weight left to lose and I need to remember that!

      As I was writing the post I thought that (unless you’re a supermodel) you probably are never ALWAYS happy with the way you look in photos, but I guess the thing for me is I don’t want to look ‘abnormal’ if that makes sense. I don’t want to stand out for the wrong reasons!

  • lizzyaimee
    January 4, 2012

    Deb, another brilliant post! And I WANT you to be that person too! I may have mentioned it before, but my mum didn’t want to be in photos – most of the shots I have are of her running away from the camera. Sure I have a few good shots, but funnily enough they seem to be when she is thinner and she was obviously more forgiving of herself. My mum died when I was 11 and I wish I had more photos of her. I don’t ever look at the photos I have and think about her size… I loved her for the person she was – not for how much she weighed. Be kinder to yourself and know that your loved ones want to have those snapshots of your life, regardless of your size. Lizzy xx

    • rockafellaskank
      January 4, 2012

      Thanks Lizzy. I know I used to feel a bit sad when I was closer to my niece and I rarely had any pictures of us together. And then with my dad (who passed away a couple of months ago)… I don’t have many at all (one or two) from recent years because I’ve refused to get my photo taken.

      Deb

  • Runa Martinson (@Lose4Good)
    January 4, 2012

    I can totally relate to your feelings of camera shyness. There are also entire sections of my life that I have no pictures of for the same reason. And, of course, one can’t go back in time and change their mind!! I will continue to push myself and hold myself accountable to move out of that mindframe no matter how uncomfortable I may be with the resulting photograph. I will remember that this is temporary and it will later mark a time of when I was like that back then.

    Thanks for sharing so openly & being so raw and real!! Much appreciated 🙂

    • rockafellaskank
      January 4, 2012

      No worries Runa and thank you for your comment. I need to remember that in future – how sad it is not to have pictures from certain times of my life!

  • Sharmila
    January 4, 2012

    Ditto Deb! I am the closest I have been to goal weight in a long time (& still a way to go) but I can’t help feeling the same way! It certainly is a mindshift and will take a while!

    • rockafellaskank
      January 4, 2012

      How wonderful that you’re near your goal weight! Have you had to lose much?

      And yes… definitely a mindshift!

      • Sharmila
        January 5, 2012

        I haven’t been my current weight for over 10 years. Still have a bit to go and plan to get there half way through the year.

        • rockafellaskank
          January 5, 2012

          That’s great news! Well done!

  • Liz@LastChanceTraining
    January 4, 2012

    I’m not keen on photos either – I never feel like I look like myself

    • rockafellaskank
      January 4, 2012

      That’s a shame Liz. I never used to mind them, in fact I was one of those kids and teens who loved having their picture taken… my issues are solely weight-oriented.

      Deb

  • snowangel12wbt
    January 5, 2012

    I really love this post Deb – I think it strikes a chord with all of us! For me, I still find myself incredibly self-concious in front of a camera. I have relaxed a bit more since I have lost weight but I still find myself being incredibly critical of any photos that I see of myself! I wonder sometimes if I will ever be 100% happy with what I see. I think my challenge is not so much having the photo taken, but to stop picking on every little flaw next time I see a picture of myself. After all, there is no such thing as perfect.

    • rockafellaskank
      January 5, 2012

      Yes, I think the actual problem is the outcome, rather than the taking of the photo itself (which is quite painless!).

I'd love to hear your thoughts