About six weeks ago I shared a post in which I celebrated the fact I’d successfully ‘sat with my feelings’ rather than fed them with copious amounts of food.
I don’t think I was overly smug at the time but in the intervening weeks I became somewhat emboldened by this mysterious change. It was as if planets had aligned and suddenly everything made sense. In fact, I was almost astounded that I had ONCE thought that eating everything in sight would help me feel better. Less angry. Less unhappy. Less. #fullstop.
What on earth had I been thinking, I wondered, when I scoffed bag-fulls of caramello koalas or a kilogram or more of hot chips, in the hope they would help with whatever malaise had beset my addled mind?
Angels sang and though it was one very small change, the reduction of binge-eating felt like a huge achievement in my attempts to be healthier. Physically and mentally.
I made it clear back then that I wasn’t ‘dieting’. I’d been there and done that many many times. Often successfully. But briefly. Eating more mindfully and (very specifically) reducing my binge-eating, I said, was just the first step in a more sustainable approach to my health and wellbeing.
I consumed my former binge-foods in controlled environments and the logic which once had me stuffing myself silly no longer made sense.
So I ticked that ‘sitting with feelings’ box. Again and again as the weeks passed by.
I smugly congratulated myself on something which had (after 4-5 weeks) surely become a new habit. (Or broken-habit, as the case may be!)
I should have known better.
Two weeks ago I went away and (inexplicably) the need to binge-eat has returned with me. Suddenly it makes sense again and 400g bags of chocolate honeycomb seem like the natural panacea to the ills in my world. Not to mention the hot chips I’ve had several nights each week.
I’m trying to wrap my head around what’s changed and why I seem unable to again ‘sit’ with my feelings… recognising that copious amounts of food will not actually make things better.
They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but I have my fingers crossed!
Can anyone relate?
How are you with habits?
Flogging my blog With Some Grace today.
October 30, 2015
I’m a notorious binge-eater too. I think sitting at a computer, it’s the one thing I can do whilst working (can’t exactly take a walk!), but I also do it to “treat myself”. As though I’m a canine! :/ Hope your resolve returns! xx
October 30, 2015
Thanks Peta. I’m not too bad at the computer. Usually my binges involve some theatre and I have to find something to watch on TV and set the scene a little!
October 30, 2015
Ha ha! Laughing at the familiarity of the situation, not the situation itself! I’ve gotten ‘clean’ before, thought I’d ‘out-grown’ the need to binge, the compulsion to overeat… I could look at my flatmate’s candy bar stash with calm equanimity – not with desperate longing or guilt as I wondered if I had time to eat then replace the half dozen or so bars before he got home – and wonder how things had ever gotten so desperate.
It might have been a new diet pill I was trying, or some vague positivity in my life that steered me away from that path for a short while. But then, and I’ve seriously only JUST realised there has been a huge emotional component to my patterns, something would happen and I’d slip slide back in to old habits – mostly seeking comfort and nurturing. Again, only just realised about this comfort part. Disordered eating is a way of coping. It’s like an old familiar friend. As much as we loathe it, loathe ourselves afterwards, it’s something our brains see as a one-size-fits-all coping strategy. And that feeds back in to the lack of self worth, the belief that it’s ok to loathe ourselves because we’re pretty loathsome individuals.
I’ve found, again, ridiculously latterly, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, mindfulness, self awareness, self compassion, just generally actually REALLY getting to know myself (for the first time in over 30 years, and I’m not there yet) and like myself to be useful tools on the road to a hopefully more long term recovery.
Just started yoga – cautiously optimistic!
Oh, and goddam hormones have a habit of screwing things up from out of nowhere – a couple of different stages in my cycle can see me hopelessly derailed for no other reason than the estrogen/progesterone/whatever cycle is screwing me over
Thank you so much for your honesty in all of this. It’s heartening to read. Oh, and Brene Brown has a lot of very useful and insightful things to say about failure and shame which are, I think, a huge part of the dance. Big love x
October 30, 2015
Oh yes Margo, I love Brene Brown’s work – am a huge fan of some of her TED talks. And I’m glad you could relate. I seriously hate to read back over some of my old Diet Schmiet posts where I thought I’d made some positive changes. I’m never particularly optimistic (by nature) but know I often felt like I was finally on the correct path…. only to stumble at the first hurdle!
I haven’t been writing about my non-diet stuff for a while and have probably been internalising it a lot more. It seems I never learn the lessons and keep writing about the same things again and again!
October 31, 2015
I know, right? Remind me of the definition of insanity again??? I’ve also found Phillip Moffitt’s stuff very helpful – he has a pleasingly no-nonsense way about him. This was a post on my FB feed this morning and I think it’s very pertinent!
http://dharmawisdom.org/teachings/articles/getting-past-fear
October 31, 2015
Oh, will check that out Margo, thanks.
October 30, 2015
Unfortunately I can totally relate to this post. If I know I have something in the house such as chocolate or crackers, sweet or savoury, doesn’t make a difference, I simply have to eat it. If I’m emotional for whatever reason, I eat even more!
October 30, 2015
Oh yes Ingrid… I can very much relate – as can many others I’m sure!
October 30, 2015
I can relate! I’m a binge eater and a nail biter. I thought I’d kicked both habits about a year ago when my old jeans fit again and my nails looked lovely but NOPE! *sigh* Let’s try again, again, shall we? x
October 30, 2015
I think that’s all we CAN do…
October 30, 2015
Binge eating is such a consuming thing, or at least that is how it always felt to me. And I would go back and forwards between phases. Until finally I went so long that when I binged again I could stop the phase starting. I think your long stretch is a positive step. If you can break from it once you can definitely break from it again.
October 30, 2015
Thanks Jess. At the moment it’s frustrating that my mindset has changed so suddenly after such an improvement. I’m thinking that there’s a helplessness there which I’d overcome (briefly).
October 30, 2015
I can totally relate Deb. I eat when I’m bored, down, happy, to celebrate. I’m an emotional eater. I can eat a whole box of savoury biscuits. If I know there is chocolate in the house then I can not rest until I have eaten it. It is a constant struggle for me. Food is a comfort to me unfortunately. My husband on the other hand drives me nuts – he eats his 3 meals a day and rarely snacks nor feels the need to. Not fair! 😉 x
October 30, 2015
I know. Even before I binge-ate I was never one of those people who could eat two squares of chocolate and put the rest away. Perhaps that predisposed me to eating disorders…
October 30, 2015
Darling, just remember that relapse is part of the recovery process. Keep plugging away at the positive xoxo
October 30, 2015
Ah yes, thanks. x
October 30, 2015
Oh, yes, that sounds all too familiar. And for me, the shame cycle exacerbates the desire to binge eat. I find it is also linked to my sleep cycles and hours. Too little sleep and being unable to sleep at night, only falling asleep in the early, early morning hours, tends to increase my binge eating cycles.
October 30, 2015
Oh that’s interesting because my sleep patterns have deteriorated in the last week or so. In reality nowadays I almost only binge-eat at night and I assumed going to bed overly full was causing me problems.
October 30, 2015
I never used to be a binge eater but now that I’m at home {or rather not at work} during the day as a SAHM I have more opportunity to do it because the kitchen is so close. I eat much more junk food now than before. I wish I had the answer for you Deb, but I’m afraid I don’t. I just hope you can get back into your groove again 🙂
October 31, 2015
Thanks Toni!
October 30, 2015
When I first gave up smoking, I didn’t sit on my back patio for months. It felt too much like smoking with a wine and probably some cheese. The habit had to be broken before I could tackle it again. I always wondered to myself how the heck you do that with food. Abstaining feels too much like a binge waiting to happen. So I wonder and wonder and nothing changes with my relationship with food. It’s my plan to be more mindful about everything that goes into my mouth. Food, drink, whatever. And to think, I only reaffirmed that today and here your article was! Perfection.
October 31, 2015
Fate Suger, or kismet. Or something.
For me there’s a bit of a nexus with binge eating and TV. It’s not the same if I can’t ‘set the scene’. I found I was reading a lot more when I reined in my bingeing and spending less time in front of the TV.
At the moment I know I feel too easily swayed by the promise of exciting food but really need to rediscover the thinking that assisted me in realising that excessive amounts of food were really not going to help me feel better. Even in the short term!
October 30, 2015
I have a lot of bad habits. Some I live with. Some i’ved tried to fix over time. Like others have said not beating yourself up when you fall off the wagon is the big thing. We all try and stumble. We can all get up again x
October 31, 2015
True Emma. Sadly I’m big on the self-flagellation thing, but it’s something I need to improve!
October 31, 2015
My biggest issue is procrasti-eating. I’m usually pretty good at work, but once I’m released, it’s almost like all my boundaries disappear. The worst thing about habits is apparently you have to keep doing them.
October 31, 2015
Damn! Don’t you hate that?! I had an entire paragraph in there about my old gym habit – which I thought was very much embedded given that I’d been going to classes for 1.5yrs 4-5 days a week. And then I moved and that went out of the window and now (35kg later) I can’t even bring myself to go for a walk!
October 31, 2015
Going away broke your routine and this new habit still wasn’t embedded enough to really be a habit. But having done it the once you can do it again. And it should be a bit less of a struggle this time. BTW massive amounts of honeycomb is never the answer – I know cause I’ve tried it a few times.
October 31, 2015
I know… must stop buying 400g bags of choc-coated (gluten-free) honeycomb from Woolies! #notetoself
November 1, 2015
Geneen Roth, I hadn’t seen that name in a long time, a friend of mine used to read her books. I had gained 2 good habits since July : exercise each morning, eat only when I’m hungry. The amount of work and the family stress got rid of that pretty easily, I’m afraid. Well, I’m giving myself time – if those new habits went down, there were good reasons, no need to feel guilty about that. And if I have acquired those habits once, I can do it again 🙂 I haven’t gained much weight back, which is good. There are times of day when I eat more than others, so when I binge eat in the evening, I’m usually not hungry in the morning so I don’t. Today is a beautiful autumn day and I’ll go out for a walk in the evening to remember how good you feel when you exercise some. Small steps 🙂
November 2, 2015
What a great approach Izabel, particularly to exercise (and not seeing it as exercise!).
PS. I’ve got a few Geneen Roth books from sometime in the 1990s and loved her approach, though struggled to implement it. I follow her on FB now and she shares some fabulous quotes.
November 1, 2015
I can definitely relate to this post, Deb. For me, binge eating is always associated to emotions. I go up and down with my night snacking. I know it’s soooo bad for me but I get so tired at the end of the day, I go, “Eff it. This is my treat!” But who can resist chocolate???
November 2, 2015
Oh yes… I try to avoid feeling the need to binge – prevent getting too hungry, don’t go shopping when I’m feeling maudlin etc… but usually I plan binges ahead and specifically go out and buy the stuff I need. I might not be thinking and feeling much when I’m in the midst of one, but am very mindful in the lead-up!
November 2, 2015
I can sugar binge on a packet of lolly snakes, so the key for me is not having them around. Hope you get back to your good habit you were forming. I tend to nibble too, but I try to do a plate with lots of different things – so a bit of cheese, some olives, cherry tomatoes, a bit of smoked salmon, crackers, celery and carrot sticks and a bit of dip. That way I’m not eating too much of any one thing and some of the healthier things balance out the less healthy things. It feels satisfying but not like a binge on one thing (like you do with hot chips). Maybe that could be an approach?
November 2, 2015
I struggle with moderation Kathy – way too much an ‘all or nothing’ person. I’m not a big snacker – my danger time is more in the evening instead of / as well as dinner… and never about hunger. Alas.
I really wanted to go and buy chocolates yesterday but resisted the temptation. Not because I could logically understand they wouldn’t made me feel better, but because I wouldn’t let myself. I hope the former returns though. I think I just need to break the habit of bingeing (and thinking it’s okay) again as well as I’d basically started doing it every day in some form or another. That’s probably my first step. *sigh*