For me there’s never any time more exciting than just before starting a diet.  The world is full of hope and promise and I can believe its bleakness is behind me.  This of course also has something to do with the fact that the hard work has not yet started.  And because, logically (of course) one can only start a diet on a Monday, or after holidays, or next week, I am also usually feasting on evil goodies which will be forbidden once the aforementioned diet starts.

Now I know that in my last post I had all-but-decided that lap-banding was my last hope.  I haven’t undecided this.  It took me about 3 weeks to get an out-of-hours appointment with my GP (from whom I need a referral for lap-banding).   This appointment is next week.  In the interim I am feeling like I need to do something.  Sadly this isn’t a I’m at my wits end need to do something, although it should be.  I haven’t been on the scales for a few weeks, but when I was last on I was about 128kgs.  I cut myself some slack about that because I’d been eating a lot of hot chips the night before.  I actually found myself relieved I hadn’t gone over the 130kg mark.  But, having said that, I haven’t been eating normal meals for several weeks now.  Instead I am feasting on (frozen) hot chips almost every night.  And, as this is my favourite time of year, I have been buying easter eggs and eating them as well.  My alcohol intake hasn’t been bad during the week, but other than that I have been completely devoid of any willpower at all.  I haven’t wanted to go to pilates and have only walked once a week (though would have done more if my walking partners had been available.)

I’ve wondered if this downward spiral has been because I had decided on the lap-banding option meaning that soon I would be saved from myself. Someone else would take control of the situation and I would be set free from this torture. Or something.

In all honesty I’m still torn about the lap-banding idea.  On one hand I cannot help but think of it as cheating (just like I said, someone else FORCING me to minimise what I eat… though it is an improvement on my idea of someone putting me into a coma for a few months and drip feeding me!).  On the other hand, having done some research, I realise I will be just as confronted by the same issues with the band AND there will be some additional issues given that I may not even be able to eat the healthy things I like (fillet steak for eg).  My most difficult time (in diet-world) now is my evenings.  I currently am unable to eat healthily at night as the idea of not having something exciting to eat or drink to get me through the night is unbearable. I mean, how else do I get through my evenings; what else is there to live for? They are the only enjoyable bits of my day, and yes I know how pathetic that sounds…

The only other thing I like doing (that I get to currently do – cos I’m sure if sex was an option available to me, I would be partaking!) is take long baths. This involves my another love – reading.  I easily read 3-7 books a week, depending on what’s on television.  I do a lot of reading in the bathtub.  Although my bathtub is a good size, it is a bit of a squeeze for my butt.  The last week – almost suddenly – the squeeze is tighter.  I have long had this fear that I put on mammoth amounts of weight quickly (and I have done in the past) so of course I am concerned that I have suddenly ballooned out (even more) in the last few days.  Now… perhaps the fit has been getting tighter for a while and I am only now noticing it.  I don’t know; but it has led me to wonder if I should attempt (again) to do something about it.

My lack of confidence in my ability to pull it off is astounding, but nevertheless I am going to try to diet again.  This time (again) counting calories.  Because I want to drop weight quickly I am going to keep my calories pretty low – maybe 1250 calories/day.  I hope.  All I can do is attempt the AA mantra I guess – one day at a time.  And it will tell.  Time, that is.