Bugger!  I thought I had prepared myself.  I had hoped I had ‘evolved’ a little, so that when yesterday’s weigh-in result wasn’t all I had wanted, I would take solace in the fact that I had been ‘good’ all week.  I had hoped I would take it in my stride and not worry about the numbers.  Alas…

I weighed myself after brunching with friends and I was about a kilogram up from the previous day (meaning I was about half a kilogram heavier than last weigh-in).  Sorry to offer up too much information, but it is ‘that’ time of the month and with my period starting yesterday just before weigh-in I knew it might have some impact.  Having said all of that, the 600g weight gain could have been from anything so I shouldn’t keep making excuses.

What annoyed me was how much it affected me.  I thought I was prepared (given the pre-weigh-in weigh-in), but I got there and chatted away to fave Weight Watchers consultant, Suzanne.  We trawled through my Journal where I record what I eat and daily points, as well as exercise (if you do any!!!).  Unsurprisingly she suggested I focus less on saving points for wine (or popcorn) at night and have something other than soup every day for lunch.  I already knew this.  I consume very little points during the day.  Most days when I arrive home from work at 6.30pm, I have only had about 8 of my 24 points.  We agreed my goal for this week – as well as less alcohol – would be to focus more on ‘what’ I spend my points on and ensuring I have some dairy, fruit etc each day.  So, all good.

Then it came time to get on the scales.  I had been chatting away happily and flagged that I was retaining some fluid, but I suspect I had hoped for a miracle.  It isn’t uncommon that the scales surprise me – and I guess I had hoped it would be one of those occasions. I steeled myself for only a slight loss.

So the 600g gain let me forlorn.  I wanted to try to stay peppy and upbeat but I couldn’t.  Thank god we had all but finished the consultation because I could barely mumble responses let alone engage in any conversation.  I wanted to cry.

Why on earth was I so upset? Suzanne OBVIOUSLY realised and tried to be encouraging…. I was obviously retaining fluid, I would have a better result next week.  Blah blah blah.

Of course I continued with my post-weigh-in pig out.  Although I was quite full from my usual corn chip splurge (and I had some chocolate) I didn’t really want dinner.  I cooked it anyway as I had planned on the fillet steak and mashed potatoes to go with my red wine…. but – thank god – I only ate half of it.  Once upon a time I would have eaten it all until I felt so sick I could do nothing but lie in the bath.  Last night I stuffed myself past fullness but not to the point of illness.  Still not good though.

Suzanne gave me a tracking sheet for this week and I am to plan my menu out in advance and mix it up a bit.  I guess I can do that.  She talked at length about just having a glass of wine a night, or small snacks and building them into my days.  I listened and nodded but realise she doesn’t know me.  I am either being ‘good’ and sticking to points and not / barely drinking and eating no non-dietary food, or I am being ‘bad’ and eating anything.  No middle ground for me.  Not yet.  I know it is something I need to change.  I know I shouldn’t stuff myself to the point of being sick.  Not even to the point of being ‘full’.

But as yet, I am just not sure how to get there.  Instead I will be ‘good’ this week.  This afternoon I will draw up my eating plan for the week and stick to points.  I might even try to incorporate some exercise again after several weeks of nothing but an hour of pilates.  The screwy thinking and habits will have to wait…