I was supposed to weigh-in today.  Saturday.  It is one week since I last met with my Weight Watchers consultant for my one-on-one weigh-in.  I have already raved about Suzanne who is pragmatic rather than preachy.  As well as reassuring me that I needn’t stress (overly) about exercise until I get my eating and point-counting in check, she also suggested I forget about the scales.

An impossibility for me although I have gone for long periods in the past without weighing myself.  Usually with catastrophic results.  Because I get so obsessed with the numbers I threw away my scales sometime after my 2002 – 2004 weight-loss attempt stalled.  I had lost about 21kgs in 3 or 4 months, but then I reached a standstill.  I became increasingly frustrated as my weight hovered around 91 – 92kgs.  I continued with Weight Watchers for a while, but eventually quit.  I rejoined once or twice in 2003 and 2004, but then gave up and tried other things.  Including a psychologist who specialised in eating disorders.  It was at this time I tried ‘not-dieting’ and intuitive eating.  To no real avail.  I suspect I hovered between 91kgs and 100kgs for a few years, bouncing around a little until suddenly my weight again blew out of control (resulting in my recent 130kg weight).

I quit therapy when my psychologist moved in 2005 and I am not sure if I had continued to see her, if my weight-gain would have been prevented.  I don’t kid myself.  I know what I SHOULD do to lose weight.  I know how.  The fact that I (mostly) despise myself to the extent that I do and yet still cannot motivate myself to diet is worrying.  I suspect that even if I do lose weight (as I did last year, losing 20kgs – only to gain 25kgs) I may need some help to get my issues with food into perspective so that I don’t just regain that weight.  Again.

Meanwhile, despite Suzanne’s recommendation to stay away from the scales I did get on once or twice earlier this week.  The result looked positive.  According to my scales I was a kilo or more less than my last weigh-in.  Of course that was 3 or 4 days ago.  I went over points last night.  My parents are in town and we had pizza.  And I had red wine.  But no binging.  Because we have a family commitment today I had to switch my appointment to tomorrow.  I thought about blowing it off this week completely, but decided I should go to keep myself honest.  Had I not had to go I would also indulge in some red wine tonight, but now I can’t.

I am trying not to feel frustrated with the time it is taking and the fact that I am (not even) back to where I was pre-holidays still irks me.  It is (of course) my own fault.  So, no one else to blame.  Unfortunately.  I guess I just have to keep at it.  Keep plodding along and make every weigh-in count and remind myself that ANYTHING less than what I am now, is a good thing