I was supposed to weigh-in today. Saturday. It is one week since I last met with my Weight Watchers consultant for my one-on-one weigh-in. I have already raved about Suzanne who is pragmatic rather than preachy. As well as reassuring me that I needn’t stress (overly) about exercise until I get my eating and point-counting in check, she also suggested I forget about the scales.
An impossibility for me although I have gone for long periods in the past without weighing myself. Usually with catastrophic results. Because I get so obsessed with the numbers I threw away my scales sometime after my 2002 – 2004 weight-loss attempt stalled. I had lost about 21kgs in 3 or 4 months, but then I reached a standstill. I became increasingly frustrated as my weight hovered around 91 – 92kgs. I continued with Weight Watchers for a while, but eventually quit. I rejoined once or twice in 2003 and 2004, but then gave up and tried other things. Including a psychologist who specialised in eating disorders. It was at this time I tried ‘not-dieting’ and intuitive eating. To no real avail. I suspect I hovered between 91kgs and 100kgs for a few years, bouncing around a little until suddenly my weight again blew out of control (resulting in my recent 130kg weight).
I quit therapy when my psychologist moved in 2005 and I am not sure if I had continued to see her, if my weight-gain would have been prevented. I don’t kid myself. I know what I SHOULD do to lose weight. I know how. The fact that I (mostly) despise myself to the extent that I do and yet still cannot motivate myself to diet is worrying. I suspect that even if I do lose weight (as I did last year, losing 20kgs – only to gain 25kgs) I may need some help to get my issues with food into perspective so that I don’t just regain that weight. Again.
Meanwhile, despite Suzanne’s recommendation to stay away from the scales I did get on once or twice earlier this week. The result looked positive. According to my scales I was a kilo or more less than my last weigh-in. Of course that was 3 or 4 days ago. I went over points last night. My parents are in town and we had pizza. And I had red wine. But no binging. Because we have a family commitment today I had to switch my appointment to tomorrow. I thought about blowing it off this week completely, but decided I should go to keep myself honest. Had I not had to go I would also indulge in some red wine tonight, but now I can’t.
I am trying not to feel frustrated with the time it is taking and the fact that I am (not even) back to where I was pre-holidays still irks me. It is (of course) my own fault. So, no one else to blame. Unfortunately. I guess I just have to keep at it. Keep plodding along and make every weigh-in count and remind myself that ANYTHING less than what I am now, is a good thing