There’s a song that’s been out for a while now that featured in one of my gym classes a few weeks ago called Party Rock Anthem, by LMFAO, which includes the lyrics, “Everyday I’m shuffling”. For those who don’t know it, it’s one of those bloody songs that gets stuck in your head and, for me, the “Everyday I’m shuffling” line has latched onto some creepy part of my brain* so I’m constantly hearing “Everyday I’m struggling”. Which I am. Struggling, that is. Not shuffling. Although if I attempted to run right now I may well do that. Shuffle, that is.
But… back to the struggle. Which I am SO over. I apologise for writing endlessly about my current lack of motivation, which I possibly do in the hope that I will be sufficiently guilt-ridden to overcome. And today, having procured a 200g bag of corn chips and consumed half (overshare alert: and licked the flavouring off the rest and threw them away -and yes, I know I’m 43 years of age, not 3!!!) I’m STRUGGLING (there’s that word again) to find something ‘un-maudlin’ to blog about. I’ve had some suggestions (and endless encouragement) from my Twitter friends and I thank them (you) all for that. One suggestion was to force myself into being a bit more positive. It’s something I’ve tried before and so I’m going to try again. I’m reminded of how my depression yesterday, at the result on the scales, was buoyed by my not-as-fat-as-usual reflection in the mirror. So… I will endeavour for the rest of this post to use only positives as I come up with ten good things about me and my life. (Deep breath!)
1. Despite my recent behaviour I am still 20+kg less than I was on 21 May 2011 when I commenced the first round of my weight loss program. So… yay!
2. My exercise has increased a million-fold (I’m sure that IS a tangible number!) since that same time.
3. I’m able to do some gym classes I enjoy, like Zumba and a Body Jam / Hip Hop type class, which I wouldn’t have tried before.
4. I followed through on my intent to put my place on the market. Sure, it hasn’t sold (yet) but I actually did something I said I would and learned a lot from the experience.
5. I’m really enjoying my current job. I haven’t been able to say that for a long time. I love the place and the people, who I find to be energetic and passionate. Many people there don’t realise it but the place feels young and vibrant and full of potential to me!
6. I’m blessed by many old (and close) friendships. I’m still in touch with a group of girls I went through school with and – though we (and our lives) are quite different – when we catch up it’s always comfortable and easy. I also have close friends from my University days and working life since then. My closest friends now have been in my world for over 20 years of my adult life, and know me well (and like me despite that!!!)
7. I’m even more blessed to have devoted parents. I wouldn’t say my brother and I were ‘spoilt’ growing up, but we were loved and there was NOTHING our parents would not do for us. We didn’t get the latest games and expensive clothing (no iPods and Wiis in those days), but they sacrificed a lot for us and ALWAYS put us first. I do not doubt my parents’ devotion to our family. Even now.
8. That my father has had over 10 years with us that he may not have had if he had not received a donor heart in December 2000.
9. The rest of my family: my brother, sister-in-law and niece. Emily is a beautiful and intelligent young woman now. I had the opportunity to almost live with them for six months after she was born (between stints overseas) and she felt almost like my own. We’re still in each others’ lives fifteen years later and hope we continue to be. (And – frankly – as I won’t have children of my own, it may well be Emily visiting me in the aged-care facility and wiping the drool from my chin… Thank god she doesn’t read this!)
10. As I sit here deciding what random factoid to include next I look about me. OMFG! I am VERY lucky. Despite its un-sold-ed-ness (new word I’ve invented: will advise Websters – the dictionary people, not the biscuit company – obviously!) I have a BEAUTIFUL three bedroom, three level apartment in a fantastic position. I am surrounded by stuff I wanted and I bought (cos I could), like my iMac, my TiVo, hundreds (and hundreds) of books, clothes, housey crap. And so forth. And my walls are adorned with memories thanks to fabulous wall hangings and baskets and thingys I bought while living overseas.
So… there you have it. I must confess it was WAY easier to come up with the 10 things than I imagined and I could have kept going – but didn’t want to bore you anymore than I was (possibly) already doing. Perhaps I will continue making my list, so when I next think ‘poor me’ I can slap myself around the head a bit (again!) and wake the fuck up to myself (again!). I sense a theme here….
*Note that I’m not disrespecting myself by calling my brain creepy. My aversion to the brain (and its aesthetics) isn’t limited to my own. There’s just something creepy (insert shudder here) about it. Perhaps I have some phobia: I can’t eat cauliflower or broccoli because they remind me of parts of the brain. (Another shudder!)